Thursday, May 16, 2019

the days have burst open upon me, a new feeling, a somewhat down to earth crash from which i am emerging. no more energies except the one i was born with. no more influences or forces, i am raw, basic and this is how it feels. 
a man. 
whatever i went through fundamentally changed me. i am and can never be the same. 
is that good? 
i can't attach a value to it as it's still happening. this is just process.
an opportunity i guess. 
she says live in the moments but only part of me does that nowadays, i realise how important that can be but also how dangerous it can be unless you have anchor points, a fixed moral code or ethical foundation. it's easy to transgress the self when in the moment.
i carry a fixed identity within myself, it's not what i know, it's what i don't. it's sculpted by what i don't want to be. and i only know this because i have been that, and felt a loathing for it. only by being true to myself can i know what my self is, i am loyal, creative, loving and intelligent. i am intuitive, adaptable, open and often inhabit many realms. but part of me is damaged, my heart opened to fast, to much was revealed and it should have been slower and natural, i should never have declared myself for that just made everything more complex and me vulnerable  i should have let go early and moved onwards or just said nothing about anything. the situation killed me, it crushed me and everything i thought was true turned out to be a lie. 
so what does that mean?
it means i give a second chance. 
it means i believe in myself, and you as part of me
it means i love and it is true.
it means i am just a man now. for the moment until i become something else.
yesterday we shared the deviant moon, and your comment about black wings. these are arcane subjects, not spoken off by normal people. are we telepathic? 
there is a powerful connection, i don't know what that means but i'm drawn towards the twin flames more and more as a guide for me to navigate lest i loose belief in all things. 
proof exists in experience and i am all about the experience, i always said, whatever it is, it's energy is sacred and i wanted to honour that. i still feel that sacredness, and i don't know why it has not diminished at all, only become deeper and clearer and more profound. 
but i am a man of commitment and require that in anything i do, if not committed then why bother. so therein lays my problem that i need to get my head around.

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