Wednesday, December 11, 2019

the lunar powered zap gun - blasts lunar cosmic rays, moon light-saturated from reflected sun inherent through the powerful ambient super cathode amplifier that shoots the light in the one single electron/ positron, that was postulated by wheeler. 
you can't possibly fathom the single electron universe without some parts of your mind imploding, it's the bizarre proposition that all electrons are just the same single election. that all observations are points in space-time that the observer fixates upon thinking they observe an independent electron.
as each electron has the same mass and charges it stands to reason they could be the same single unit that is observed. the same would apply for the positron which moves backward in time.
my self inflicted moon powered zap gun blasts it's way into my heart and changes its antimatter field, changing everything. altering time, space and all the conditions it operates within, new realities are born, some warp the dimensional axis and splits infinity beyond the limit of possibility from the moment i seem trapped within.
conditions shift, laws are broken and karma absolves itself into fragments of binary code which is easily hacked. (must speak to my karmic broker about this new development)

i open my eyes, the surf conditions are unchanged, a gentle wave breaks at my feet, slightly cold but comfortable as my toes feel the sand wash around them, i gaze at the moonlit horizon and the negative ion bridge i wade into. spectral forces leer down into my soul as it travels in the moonlight bath. i recreate my physical vessel, leaner, healthy, more muscle and bone density, exceptional flexibility and resilience. this time heart will be whole and there will be no missing beat.
the entities are glamour beings, all tempt me towards lust and glittering prizes. the slim female forms all beckon me to their whispers, promises and lips that keep them, eyes that allure with endless pleasure and sensation. i move passed them all. prizes fame, glory, ambition, materialism cast aside, i move towards the full moon tomorrow at 12. 12. 12. 12. 12. for there is only you and in that moment time will cease. 
     


   

Thursday, December 05, 2019

i had to think fast, despite the slow time thinking fast was like walking through treacle, a thick sluggish synaptic spark leaping across to a neuron at a fraction of the speed it usually takes, but let's face it conditions were different now. everything was different now.
i pulled out my moon powered zap gun, it had not been drawn in over one year and the charge was depleted but still potent enough to get me out of any trouble. well not quite but it would offer some illumination in the slow creeping darkness that was descending.
yeah yeah, it's my mental landscape, confused, burnt out, wounded and disappointed with the whole fucking year. a year of drama, chaos and loss. a year where my self-esteem and self-respect were shattered in one act of despicable nastiness and cruelty.
'pull yourself together, lighten up, change the story, get over it.'
yeah easy for you to say i thought, the words echoed through my head like a bell ringing out at midnight.
i wade forwards through the murk, my feet seem leaden, my heart beat a rhythmic thump, the engine that keeps me going. i just don't trust my brain and the mind is deceptive in this state. only my zap gun will set me free and its charge is lower than i would have liked. yet it has never failed me.
oh, i never told you that story, how i acquired the zap gun, it will have to be written in the afterlife.
a woman in tee-shirt smiles at me as i drift passed her wake, what's with all these smiling people, am i on some strange tv show no one informed me about. she's nice, soft and feminine and i want to ask her if that smile was for me but i'm afraid of her reaction. it's just me, alone, i'll figure it all out one day but right now i need to take affirmative action.
i find a quiet spot somewhere, the waves look magnificent and i watch the energy dance. majestic. a beautiful sight, a wonderful thing to behold. i sigh, it's strange to hear such a sound escape my lips, depression has a certain beauty, a certain pathos. it also makes me very sick. very calmly i bring the gun to my chest and pull the trigger. 

lunar rays saturate my heart, and everything changes.

Wednesday, November 20, 2019

well well well, there's a surprise, a turn up for the books, just when i thunk it impossible. just at the 12th hour as the clock that ticks and tocks finally come towards its final tock.
i'm sleeping in my deep state, at peace. i have let go of it all. and at 0230 it's hardly surprising as there's nothing but the promise of REM sleep and the some delta programming on channel zzz...

i am awoken to bright white light pouring in through the windows, aliens i think. spectral forms move past the perimeter, i see humanoid shapes and whisperings. then a loud banging at my door. i search for my telephone, it's switched off and lays by my bed. i notice a stream of missed calls and texts from ms mission. i respond and she says, 'has the ambulance arrived?'
at the door stand two concerned medics, 'i'm okay,' i whisper and they leave quickly disappearing into the strange smoke-filled night as though called to an emergency in the physical realms.
where am i? i wonder.
ms mission arrives soon after. 
she presents herself as concerned about me and although i am jaded and somewhat exhausted offers me commitment.
have i already moved through her?
did we have our moment and did it pass or is this a trap?
is this bit real?
is this another test for me?
some sort of clever manipulation, some sort of weird set up.'
i am so damaged from the last year i don't know what to think and words pour out from my fragile head that i don't understand.
time seems to skip and i end up down the beach with her looking at a blazing red ball of sun, it's quite spectacular as it comes up over the water and creates a pathway straight to us.
i don't know, is this bliss now?
am i in ignorance?
it feels so good. is this the fork on the end of the steak. did the glamour infiltrate me completely utterly and am i selling my soul to it in female form.
we say a long goodbye, a tantric event occurs but it's a cycle, and we both feel it, overwhelming sensuality, a deep profound love. i have to heal from whatever damage i have sustained, this is me time now, it's a matter of survival. 
the hit i have taken is terminal, i was to dumb to see i have been bleeding out for the last 8-9 months.
bleeding out!
that's what has been happening. 



  


  

Sunday, November 17, 2019

magic and loss
lou reed

When you pass through the fire
You pass through humble
You pass through a maze of self doubt
When you pass through humble
The lights can blind you
Some people never figure that out
You pass through arrogance, you pass through hurt
You pass through an ever-present past
And it's best not to wait for luck to save you
Pass through the fire to the light
As you pass through the fire
Your right hand waving
There are things you have to throw out
That caustic dread inside your head
Will never help you out
You have to be very strong
'Cause you'll start from zero
Over and over again
And as the smoke clears
There's an all-consuming fire
Lying straight ahead
They say no one person can do it all
But you want to in your head
But you can't be Joyce
So what is left instead?
You're stuck with yourself
And a rage that can hurt you
You have to start at the beginning again
And just this moment
This wonderful fire started up again
When you pass through humble
When you pass through sickly
When you pass through
I'm better than you all
When you pass through
Anger and self-deprecation
And have the strength to acknowledge it all
When the past makes you laugh
And you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there's a door up ahead; not a wall
As you pass through fire, as you pass through fire
Trying to remember its name
When you pass through fire, licking at your lips
You cannot remain the same
And if the building's burning
Move towards that door
But don't put the flames out
There's a bit of magic in everything
And then some loss to even things out

Tuesday, November 05, 2019


I am a dead man who walked into a dead hotel on a dead-end road.
The hotel was old and made of ancient bones, some human, some animal and some alien-looking shapes I would never have recognised if it was not for my extra-terrestrial adventures. There was piped music playing as soon as I walked through the big swing door, a tune I recognized, Talking Heads, ‘Heaven.’
Sweet, I thought, nice ambient touch, soft candlelight flickered to give the air of a séance. Lush plush velvets and burning incense. The woman at the front desk was a dead ringer for a woman I once knew, she was older with grey hair and looked sadder than a country and western song. I offered her a gold coin and she beckoned me to sit down for a reading.
The hanged man.
Death.
And the lovers.
She looked into my eyes and whispered, ‘I only ever seen eyes that black in one man and he’s long dead.’
Her gaze penetrated but she couldn’t see past the wounded history she was recalling.
‘What do the cards say?’
‘You are a ghost.’
‘Am I?’
‘You come to haunt me?’
‘Is that why I am here?’
‘I don’t know, yet. I got a feeling you and I have unfinished business.’
‘Am I a memory or a disembodied spirit?’
She looks at me shocked, ‘It can’t be you, you are dead.’
‘So you say but then you know ghosts very well right?’
‘I spend my youth playing with them. Then I forgot all about them until I met…you.’
I pick up the lovers card, it’s from a much worn and frayed deviant moon pack.
‘These look familiar. Had them long.’
‘Yeah, a long long time.’
‘I remember when you got them.’
‘It is you.’
She steps down and towards me, a hand reaches out for my cheek but passes right through me.
She starts to cry.
‘Why did you return, have you come to haunt me?’
‘No. I came to liberate you.’
She smiles briefly and for the first time an affectionate look crosses her face.
‘You already did that.’
‘And now I return once more to complete unfinished business.’
‘What does that mean Mission.’
I reach out to touch her cheek and she looks in disbelief as my fingers pass through her.
She is shaking, ‘What does this mean, I can’t touch you and you can’t touch me.’
‘You always were and always will be my equal. Now I have come to take you home.’

Saturday, October 19, 2019

the twin flame process is one thing but we have various other layers of dimensional influence working with us, therefore the connection is much deeper, complex and richer than human. it's post and metahuman and early on when we were both in the magick of it we understood our future selves where smart enough to leave us clues to navigate our way through the maze. we were amazing in that period, i was so open-hearted and in a love state and then it all came crashing down with various bad choices, sabotage and a complex situation that became impossible. i knew this but it was like trying to stop the tide, ego and vanity have their own power. my own damage sent me soaring into healing and questioning my own worth as it was inextricably linked to my twin.
never have i been so floored by any single experience. this partly destroyed me and changed everything. 
the months spent damaged and healing have been confronting and emotionally disturbing, an extreme tension between two people who really do love one another broke us but the connection is so very deep, so vast and unfathomable, it hurts our chest, it boils our blood like a furious new passion and raging fire, it links our minds and fuses our hearts violently.
the disappointment was in love not being what we thought it would be, there was no romance, no time with her as she was with someone else getting her romance fix, me i was so seeking her love and i never got it. i just got her anger and in turn she bore mine. we came close to destruction. but something kept us going, some strange fucking thing kept us moving towards one another incrementally. 
she's a complex mix, part male, part female, past lives entwined with mine, her karma now projected upon me, her past influenced my present and our future vision seemed to fade away. her polarity shifts were fucking me up completely, what was there for me to trust, in the end nothing was left. i couldn't trust anything she spoke. one day she would say i was her one, the next she would say something ambiguous. the ground fell from beneath my feet.
i never felt so damaged, i pushed my limits, inverted myself, i went through the emotional states that crushed my spirit and unveiled my own darkness. in turn she did the same, and the last few days we have healed something together by just stopping it all and being. 
spontaneous bursts of healing occur through triggers and responses, energy aligns in time, and we share simultaneously the wonderous yet terrifying connection, neither of us have the power to break, and neither of us chooses to. this is easily confused with some co-dependent issues but the connection is spiritual, it has far to much depth to be merely phycological. the psychology is what we have healed or are healing. the connection remains and can be developed rather than destroyed if she chooses that path.
she says she is catching up to me, i understand this and reject it at the same time, therefore there must be truth within this.
instead, we have made a pact, to travel through this process together, with one another until she is ready.
that's how it has to be now. i have no will in this game, no say, no influence. as it should be. i no longer want even it. i just want my own freedom now. especially after devoting my energy to something i was denied. gravity defied, mission denied. it broke me completely that love could be denied. she created a new timeline that i resisted as the older one was filled with beauty, whereas this was pain, yet i succumb. 
i let it all go, i am back where i started yet different, my body is changing dramatically, energies are transmuting. i am not sure what i am becoming but it feels right. this process is surging within me now, and yet all i want is to be and do with her.
the pain of separation is a deep yearning, a feeling of my soul being cleaved in two. it's physical, it wounds me every day and i have to find a way out. and the only way out is through.
most of the time i just want to throw up. and the other night i did, transform. 
i could feel myself being pulled apart, transmuted, the cells in my body mutating and adapting, my mind altered as the forces that exist within me and the ones without that guide me reorganise at a cellular level, at a sub atomic state everything flows in the direction it must. it's always in the eyes, in the eyes, in the eyes.
i am the magickian once more but a different version of myself, i have a scarlet witch to whom i am deeply connected, it is no longer my magick it is ours, we are one and the same, i know this as i see it lurking in her eyes, it is there waiting to be born. she has said i will be more integrated, combined with the other aspects of my self but the truth is we will both integrate and aspects of ourselves will. the us i wanted, it's coming but different than i thought, the synergy will make us invincible if we are committed to the process and power.  

  

Friday, October 18, 2019

transformation occurs through the night, i'm dead and reborn again, how many deaths can i die, how many lives can a man have?

she looks beautiful in the morning light,  such a face steals my breath away always, those eyes are everything. i'm lost inside them, a universe of beauty, truth and wonder. she's smiling about something and looking sexy in her soft girl barbarella persona. jesus a man couldn't ask for more really, that body is incredible, it's perfectly formed for me, interesting and endless. i never really loved anyone the way i can love her.
and right at the wrong time she leaves me.
the day is perfect, i do what needs to be done, catch up with people, reassure people i am okay, that i am alive. i take myself where i need to be. my mind begins to expand again. the animals come, the trees speak in whispers, all is aligning for me.
she is out there, seeking healing, she is broken and weak where i am strong.
the next time i hear from her, i give transmit energy from my tiny waves at the beach, my charkra system is vital once more, radiant and glorious. i am watching energy spark from my fingers in sunlight. i transmit healing, i offer love and light, i offer power and strength and wisdom, i offer all i have because my cup is endless, in magnificent glory i have risen from the dead,  thus my resurrection is devoted to hers.


Tuesday, September 24, 2019

i see the particle accelerator this morning, as i incarnate into dr. when and shift my focus away from the mission to the mission.
i must travel into the future to save the past. i prepare my mind for this, a slow methodical silence penetrates and meditation is just letting go.
the methodology for forward traveling is more complex than traveling back. travelling back is about memory and traveling forwards is about forgetting. 
in time i will forget it all, and then i will have moved to my future and be able to complete this part of the mission. to remind my past self to win the war within by traveling forward, the moment is ineffective. there is no power in the moment unless it is attached to its future moment, therefore the power in the moment lies in the next and the one that follows it. the future.
dr. when must address this and correct his mistake of thinking the moment would assist progress, it only leads to inertia. 

Friday, September 13, 2019

strange fear confronts me, mortality and all that jazz, i get a result that shocked me and i feel rebellious about the whole thing, give me my death i scream silently because life has just disappointed me. 
weird space. 
then i get a call from my friend who offers me perspective and to hold my hand during the procedure. 
well i guess i don't feel so alone now. but do i want to submit to a medical model? 
no, i can't, this is about more than medicine, this is transformation and i must go it alone because that is the way it is now. alone.
i was always a loner, love just reinforces this. 
the day falls to its knees, the hours and minutes and seconds all march onwards and i become content at the situation being a metaphysical one rather than a physical one. my body has a history of pyschosomatic transformations, this is just another at my atomic structure seems to know what it is doing before me.



Thursday, September 12, 2019

the spectacular revelation hits me through the sexual energy field, i'm plugged inwards and tuned inwards, turned on and dropped out from the past few months trauma. change occurs in rapid sequence as i understand my twin sun and the dogstar connection, inner child work integrates itself, outer mission work integrates itself in tandem, processes are working in the magickal universe as i break out from the prison i was entrapped within. 
the past cannot hold me, it cannot be allowed to leave its residual friction upon my future, i will not allow it.
that phase is over, i hung in it immobilized for far to long, it was not my fault but i am responsible and have chosen to meet this process halfway now, no surrender.
i am a strange impulse, resonating higher frequencies and 'earthing'
maybe exactly what i needed but it is not where i choose to stay.
i operate on different dimensions, i need to be free to do this. 
the instant i make my revelation reality everything changes. i can move forward now.
she comes towards me, which surprises me greatly, last thing i expected. i'm finally happy again.
death and rebirth. i am reborn.
now i must explore my own integration, what has changed?
what remains?
what i am capable off now in these new conditions.
she says, with great power comes great responsibility, well i never seek power, power does not interest me. yet it is flowing through my blood cells and bone marrow. 
the psychosomatic loss of blood must be the release of old power, corrupt and impotent. the new blood will taste much better, it will nourish and feed, it will have potency and power. 
the body will transform quickly aligning itself to spirit, captain mission has changed again. 
bring it on.
make it happen
unleash your power unto the world!

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

in a lift she deals with her circumstance, lost credit cards, banking institutions and bureaucracy, the man near me starts complaining as if people in lifts would not use their phones.
'some people have no idea.' he says to the handful off passengers.
i react swiftly, 'oh she has more ideas in a single second than you could ever imagine in your lifetime, therefore it's you who has no idea.'
he shuts up and exits.
looks are exchanged between myself and the old couple who look at me with a sparkle in their eyes.




Sunday, September 08, 2019

on what should be the happiest day of my life i am deeply saddened by circumstance and my failures, feeling rejected and neglected, feeling so alone. everything now slips away, it all just goes from me, i didn't really ever stand a chance against such irrational hostility and circumstance. i believed, i gave it all but all i received was some weird form of anti-love.
all i got was the opposite of what he got, the inverse. i can't ever understand why, only that it felt like being crucified and i have been defeated. defeat is inside my soul, it is inside my spirit and now it is despair.

Thursday, September 05, 2019

baptism of fire at mission control as flames burn their way through the virgin fireplace and coal embers shine bright in amber, lava like stillness as we run out of wood to burn. she has gone through two bags, elegantly creating heat as she dances and spins around like a fire butterfly sometimes towards me but often away.
three days, pass quickly, speeding into fast and slow time within each moment, everything shifts fast, one moment we are laying in bed liquidly entwined the next we are heading down a country road talking about an amityville horror from childhood. 
the mescaline experience was not what i hoped and perhaps the information we desired will come later but for now this is an equivalent sacred time, and all of it is precious to me. 
she heals in giant large chunks, while mine trickles out like a leaking tap. i take the perspective it's good as we get to see one another together healing and assisting ourselves pass-through process. it's taken a toll on us, i recognize the post-trauma syndrome.
it feels good to finally say whats needed to be said, her words hurt and i could go deeper into it but choose carefully not to, it's time to let it go, swallow pride and be responsible for it all. it was my failure not hers.
the worst is over i guess, i know this now. i have changed so much, no more straight lines, no more certainty, no more knowing, grounding takes all that away, it replaces magick with mundane and puts me in my place by limitation.
i struggle with it but accept it, this period is important to balance myself, my earthing is painfully sad but she does know best and i trust this as she has always been right.
slowly things are revealed, and i'm uncertain if they are necessary. i never saw details only the big picture, i guess we are equal but different in complementary ways.
whatever can be said we do have a great love and it will grow, i feel this in myself but i can't trust her to feel the same. so everything comes with it's opposite, i begin to prepare for the reality, she will leave me here and go overseas, and that will be that. i know this will happen, and encouraged it early on, but now it just leaves me feeling defeated and sad, nostalgic for a beautiful vision i never got to realize. 
after she leaves i clean up mission control and do my inner work.



















































Thursday, August 29, 2019

exhaustion catches up with me and i'm contemplating if i can actually drive home or should i stay at friends, my choices are limited and time is running out. tick fucking tock. 
ms. mission suggests a local motel and we rendezvous for a night of deep sleep as we are both on the edge of some sort of collapse. ms. mission has been a busy bee, saving people, saving souls and saving love. she is pretty amazing. 
it's good to see her, it feels like months since i last saw her but it was a few days ago and she looks spectacular in the nighttime as she emerges from her car like a beautiful butterfly from a sliver slender cacoon.
we lay in silence, both spent shapes as we fade out into whatever envelopes us. a new energy seems birthed, something very different dances between us, it has intelligence and meaning.
'what is this called' i ask?
'beauty', she whispers.
it floats around us entwined like some third force only we can manifest, it's sensual and soft sexuality does the work, we just seem to lay there like puppets, it's passive and active, it's light and yet has substance and it fills me with a new type of feeling. 
'it's old' she says between breaths.
'it's deep' i reply.
later i'm about to meet someone for lunch and i'm understanding things have changed. my feelings of love have shifted from deep to deeper and i am at peace with it all.
how strange.
it is getting stranger all the time.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

beauty and the beast- bowie

somewhere in the depths of my mind as i fall apart lays the solution to my escape from this grounding, it's popping out from my cerebellum fabric and sparking my central nervous system in waves of synaptic pain only particles can bring. grounding is okay if you seek oblivion but i seek much more than a four-dimensional potential. my requirements are outside the mainframe. 
so in my terrible situation, i seek the answer, each mental thought pushes my board against the invisible barrier i have been imprisoned within. i have to think my way out in waveforms using cosmic power.
the solution is a strange one but arrives after a gut-wrenchingly painful evening.  
i can't depend on anyone anymore, everything outside of myself is unreliable. i can't trust it at all as it cannot trust itself. so i have to move further to the outside of everything, i see the bubbles float across the periphery of my existence. my mind creates them for me. 
how many?
millions, billions, trillions all come into existence and randomly pop, they all pop at some point. i see the space between them, i see the time between them, but i also am able to shift my perspective and comprehend their significance. 
pop! 
hard to imagine i am outside the multiverse. i have been here before although i have forgotten the details apart from the pain of broken bones, it cannot hold me only delay my inevitable rapture. i should be dead but i am not.
here it is represented as foam, a collection of universes, some parallel, some alternate, some interpret dimensions and other alternative times. each universe is a bubble, each bubble a single universe in a collection of others, all represented as foam. i see it all before me and comprehend the pathway i must take. 

i'm done with the game. it becomes very tedious and stale, i'm not going to be where i do not wish to be, i don't want to live another person's life especially if i can't depend upon it. 
i must take responsibility, at least i can trust myself. i am if anything reliable.
the law of probability states, all contracting states eventually expand. so i play the long game now, somewhere a flip has been switched, i know this as my intuition informs.
karmic patterns are being manipulated but i recognize these as false or at least nothing to do with me, my karma is excellent, the account is secure so i feel okay about any significant projection upon me. i just have to take the personal out of it, it's nothing to do with me. it's glamour, it's usually clever and attacks when i am vulnerable, and love, this state, made me very vulnerable and open to exploitation. i must address this on a new level. i made mistakes, i took wrong action, yet everything was as it had to be. i have completed my part of this, it's done, just one more final phase before i see the big picture clearly.

later at the beach, i see it so clearly, as if everything conspires to reveal itself at this moment, a curtain raised and here lies the answers right before my eyes, the complex dance comes to a climax. i see it all now. all.

  

Friday, August 23, 2019

the bottom, that's where we are at, in the gutter looking at the stars. right? yeah i was in the stars and now pulled down on earth i am amongst the earthed, trapped just like the silver surfer. i will drive myself to the limit until i can break through the barrier i have been held within. there must be a way back for me, integrated or not. this is not whom i am. not where i am meant to be kept.
ms. mission said i was dangerous, maybe she is right, i can't know anything anymore, it's like being in a boxing ring, punch drunk, i swagger around like a dazed fighter on his knees, not being quick-witted enough to even know when to fall.  
every moment is painful as confusion and numbness override the tension. 
i have followed her and this is where i am.
i take my bike out for a spin, i ride here and there, i listen to my thoughts, let them go, i watch the trees, birds and energy, i look up at the blue skies, i wonder as i wander. 
in one moment everything subsides and i understand all the past, has passed, it it unimportant and i cannot attach myself to it's influence. what's done was done. all that really matters is i love this woman. it is a great love, an epic and the cosmos acknowledged us. at the end of the day, that's true for both of us. the future, well i guess that's what you make it.


i have been earthed.
it was quite a fight, ms, mission dragged me kicking and screaming, howling like a baby back from my cosmic alignment and interdimensional transcendence. i fought her all the way but she never gave up and i guess i went through the eye of the needle. 
but it feels awful, raw and exhausted, we both have been jaded by the huge stress and turbulence of it all. i need recovery. i need a moment to nourish myself and feel less depleted than i do, for my whole being is shattered from the whole process. this twin flame shit is not for the faint-hearted, it nearly killed me.
it was worth it, i'd do it again. ms. mission is truly remarkable and her talents are awesome, we do make a considerable powerful team which s why she and i know we need to be very earthed and build from there. 
if you don't know anything about the twin flame experience, it's impossible to describe but there are some good you tube video's that explain it really accurately. i fought the whole thing all the way, so i speak from experience. this stuff is real, it's accurate and true. the fact magick and plant medicine was used on top of our twin connection makes everything very intense, really intense. i wish i was just a normal guy sometimes, wish i didn't feel much at all but i guess i'm an anomaly and have to just accept that. 

Thursday, August 15, 2019

strange old day of disappointments as trips are canceled plans changed and various energetic challenges from within, conflict zones and grey areas presenting themselves as i meander around like a fatally wounded soldier looking for a shot of morphine.
everything is going wrong, maybe that's right. these days it's hard to know what's going down. i'm slipping and sliding into something i don't want to be, i gotta dispel that energy or work it into something useful. 
breathe captain breathe
it's okay everyone says, it's okay.
but you and i know it will never really be okay again. how could it.
so i shred the demon, do the inner work i'm nagged by love to do and it's time to face the fucking thing that's kept me emotionally stuck at age 0 to 11, my childhood. my inner child.
he's a fucking pain in the ass, and it's driving me nuts but he needs to know the truth, he's okay, he just needed some loving-kindness and to know he was special. 
captain mission's inner child is special. here's his new story.

born into londons poorest slum whitechapel hospital now london hospital he was almost put in a plastic box but his mother defied the medical establishment and took him in her arms and held him and said, he's my child i love him and i will care for him at home.
the doctors were displeased but let her have her own way as she was strong-willed and a formidable personality.
in the one-bedroom room where the mission family lived the young captain was nursed back to health by his mother and aunt. they took him out to the park every day and fed him his rusks which he seemed top like, but best of all they told him he was special. this always made him feel happy because even then at such a young age he knew he was special.

and thus he grew up into a fine captain, with the ability to love all and receive love from the people who loved him. but most of all he loved himself and the woman who dragged him kicking and screaming, into light 57 years later. 
bless you petrena fuda.


the war within is the only war worth fighting krishna said to me as we chowed down on vegan noodle salad.
he was looking good in his goldern suit and chauffeur's hat.
it had been a long time since we had seen one another and yesterday he seemed to appear on my doorstep offerring me a ride and some company.
to be honest it had been a while since i had spoken to anyone, the days had blended into some kind of weird malaise nightmare where i was wrestling with imput output signals, the white noise that was filtering into my head and the weighty affairs of the heart that had taken me out for these last 9 months. 
'9 months,' krishna said after a pregnant pause, 'you need to birth something now. seems like you are just going through the pain. i have some anesthesia if you want some but recommend you just feel it all eu natural.'
'but it's so fucking painful.'
'yeah well it's one way of looking i guess,' he says as he finishes of the last remnant of tofu.
'perception, i understand it all but applying it at the moment makes my brain hurt and i come over all foggy.'
'mmm, that's that fucking inner child mission, it's just been triggered and now it wants to be heard.'
'well it's driving me mental. it's sabotaging everything. it's not who i am.'
'ah well it's who you were at a very impressionable age, and the imprint was locked up and it is now released and you should be very accomplished at processing it. considering all your capabilities.'
'i'm stuck with this one krishna.'
'this is the battlefield. am i incorrect old friend?'
'nope, you speak truth. it's why i love you man.'
'the war is inside. it's two parts of your nature in conflict. there are ways you can all loose and ways you can all win.'
'the only way to win is not to go into battle.'
'yes, you can let it all go. but that part that has been unleashed will never get what it wants.'
'how do i fight myself, it's tearing me apart.'
'give that part of yourself what it wants, don't expect anyone else to be there for you, you were born alone and it looks like you may even die alone. so make certain you have repaired the damage and if you die alone you are whole.'
'fuck k, don't hold back hey, i'm suddenly not as invulnerable as i once thought.'
'are you going to finish that salad?'
'have it man, i've lost my appetite.'
'let's order some dessert, the cake looks really good.'
i look into his loving eyes and whisper, 'i feel so sick.'



Saturday, August 10, 2019

i'm afflicted with some sort of madness, an inner rage, it's idiotic representation smogs my judgment and disturbs me deeply. it's risen from deep within, the swords in my back grow in number, my core is damaged and i'm out of control heading into darkest space alone. 
i feel as if i'm split into two now, one part representing light the other an awful malevolent aspect of myself, a self-loathing and destructive component. is this my inner child expressing itself freely and is it the one that resents love?
i just don't know. it feels like confusion and anger.
i'm ashamed of it, the way it moves through my world now, where did it manifest from. why is it in me?
i read that the twin flames bring this out in one another but i had no idea this was inside me, a form of hate. what exactly do i hate. her?
or myself?
she is undeniably profoundly perfect even with her flaws. which leaves me.
so i must be the love that has turned in upon itself. a form of self-loathing projected outwards.
how do i heal from that?
the only way out is through. i have no choice but to go further through the process alone again. i must find my devotion, it's gone from me. i feel its loss, and i can't risk this void sprouting forth some vampyric entity like before.



Friday, August 09, 2019

suspended in my time constraints i waited for the moment she would unlock the door and we could escape the conditional universe but she had stuff to do first, skiing trips, holidays, work, parties, entertainment pursuits and her entourage of candidates waiting for her hand, to encourage. she was in the thrall of the glamour.
i had placed myself in the entrapment and time was closing in around me. the side effect being i could no longer move, in a state of quantum entanglement as she began to also feel the conditions i was in. she was strong-willed and deliberate, a calculated plan to defy gravity, whereas he was fearless about natural laws of this universe and bold enough to surrender to them when necessary. but the time cage was constricting each day due to her resistance.
he had used his abilities to render it incremental in restriction so it was a pace he could manage but now it was difficult to breathe, difficult to think as overwhelmingly the cage was tighter and tighter and he began to feel it against his flesh. 
he wanted her liberation, and now he wanted his own. 
in processes beyond physics he traveled through space until the nexus point existed in his own mind and outside it, the point where the cage began to return through the timeline and reverse itself.
conditions began to change, the queen would notice slight fluctuations but never fully understand the consequences. messages she picked up began to split her thoughts in two streams, two universes created by her came into existence and she could not decide which one she wanted, whereas he chose only one. thus the continuum contradicts itself and she began to experience the spirit of confusion but never know what to do with it. it began to play random tricks with her, and the universe it had no place within. the spirit was clever. it knew than once she had stepped into the spiritual zone if she went back to its universe she would be even more confused as everything becomes mixed up.
the spirit of confusion made its presence known to him, it teased him and gradually entered his moments with her. it violated time, it played dumb tricks and created chaos where there should be none, it manifested through people, but he saw through it whereas she invested in its presence and gave it meaning. maybe it was her defenses, protector or ally. she wrestled with it but it also wrestled with her, thus the spirit of confusion grew. 
due to the strange strong connection, they shared the spirit of confusion began to enter his world, plaguing him with foggy thoughts uncertainty, a strange malaise. it was as if a virus separated them, and all attempts to unite were sabotaged. 
on the occasions when they were together the spirit of confusion had no real power, it usually operated when they were apart as in the physical presence of it they grew immune but on the mental planes. it thrived. in separation it became a parasite, black and spiderlike it took from its host the one thing she needed to be free.
the polarities between love and moments of despair increased until eventually, the whole of her was no longer her, she was unrecognizable to him. no longer beautiful, no longer the queen, she was the parasite now, feeding on confusion and thriving in it. sucking from both worlds.
dr. strange knew in order to be free he had to let go, completely cut all connections with her, let her lose the one thing she should never lose. her soul. 
he undid the spell. undid himself, reordered a new reality where she was no longer in it, no memory, no attachment, no significance, nothing of her remained, nothing except a love he could never speak to her about again. 
then she was free of him, free to party, chase her wants, go on her trips with her suitors, she could do whatever she wanted to do now, it no longer mattered. nothing mattered anymore because she never really felt anything to dr. strange other than he was her nemesis and she would always wonder what happened to the soul she once experienced.
dr. strange made peace with this universe, he knew all its secrets but that 'special 'love was denied him. he was okay about this because love in his experience was overrated, it was a disappointment and he would be fine without it. alone. 
  





Sunday, August 04, 2019

vale damien lovelock.
damien lived about three doors down from me, i'd known him for 30 years, he used to be the only person who regularly donated stuff to the youth refuge at xmas. a good man and he was a character indeed.
one day he came to my place and i noticed a photo of the dali lama i had defaced with 'do not adjust your karma, tune in to the dali lama' which he loved as it was a lyric from his song. i had no idea but we laughed about it for years.
later i saw him play with the church when he jumped on stage at the venue in dee why and sang electric lash. for years i teased him, that was the best gig he ever played. he couldn't stand hearing it, he would go on and on about steve.
every year he and the rifles would play a harbor cruise to which i was always invited, he played a song for me, 'electravision mantra' as i loved it so much. damian was cool guy although i teased him a lot about his gig with the church, he got into yoga and became quite serious about it but the guy had opinions about everything, he was a contradiction, kinda hard not to love the man.  

Saturday, August 03, 2019

intention prayer
by
captain mission

you fly 
free
beauty
you dance 
free
flow
you create
free 
artistically
you 
grow
free
interdependently
you are.


Friday, August 02, 2019

uneven poem
by
captain mission

how far you must have unfallen
that's what they would say,
the writers of the truth and those that follow their unorthodox way.
i've always loved the night, the home where you dwell
charmed and enchanted, i fall to its spell
and south horizon splendor, 
ocean in space floating in zen.
we were inseparable and apart, 
that was now this is then.
unmade the great, ever the none
eclipsed by time sayeth the moon and the sun. 


without knowing why i have transversed my own magickal memory, following the 'thisharab' process. although i travel through dimensions easy i don't always understand them completely and thus i return to the past from the future.
i know the details now and why i am not in time. it's almost magickal in itself that my intuition leads me by following my own clues from the future. 
i understand it all so much better but it is difficult to write about for the process was my own and each must find their own, however the guides have left us all we need to follow ourselves into a fifth-dimensional prism, it's quite strange. this must be the fifth dimension these spiritual people are always going on about. i don't think even they understand how it looks, i guess they are enslaved by their language and ego which looks at things in terms of levels and numbers. qualitative perceptions change dramatically from higher dimensions, no one in them can speak of levels because they don't exist, that explains why i never understood all of this new age babble, i'm distinctly old age.
from an early age i was fascinated by time, and as i grew older i played outside of time, seeing it for the cage it is, for the restrictive limitation it enforces upon creation, the cause of all suffering. i operated my own process unknowingly following the pathway laid by the eastern mystics, hacking further into my brain and also the cosmos until now it's all intuitive and i trust it 100%. 
my process led me through time back as the deliverer from suffering, and the liberator of mankind, one at a time. the process was intellectual retraining the mind from it's preconditioned education, everything undone first. the universe bashed me when i strayed from destiny and now i am track with her.  



Wednesday, July 31, 2019

digging in the dirt - peter gabriel



deep healing as i look deeper inside and discover the fracture. my job is one of repair and restoration. i can feel things shift, inner alchemical processes kicking in, the synaptic centers in my brain begin to grow, forwards into new terrain, onwards open and vast. my mind meets the universe, it repositions itself. a new relationship as integration continues. i see now how i move deeper inside the child aspect i also move deeper inside the future man. this is a new kind of healing for me, a new experience but it required a certain vulnerability i was unprepared for. i've lost sight of the shore now. it's all unknown again. 
   

i am not your nemesis
by
captain mission

i am not your nemesis
i am not your enemy
i’m not the shadow that you
claim me to be
i know what I am
though you may run
if you are my moon
i am your sun
i’m not your nemesis
i am your liberator as you are mine
i am your space
you are my time
i am not your nemesis
neither are you mine
i’m not the past incarnate
to open up your heart
and penetrate and violate
i am the truth 
that sets you free
and you are the truth
that comes for me

fade out into a dim glow, my light expired as she caressed my head and told me she loved me. her soft fingers sweeping across my brow, her mouth whispering promises in my ear and the more she spoke with conviction the more i realized i was dying a slow death in her arms.
i attempted several times to make an escape, sometimes i made it to the cold country but only became very sick and had to return. sometimes i just thought if i sabotage it there would be finality and escape. however close i became to ending it, destroying it, corrupting it there was an intervention that dragged me back into her loving arms. 
she always said the same thing, and the result was always the same. i felt myself becoming weaker, moment by moment slipping away. 
i could never voice it, my need to escape because the pain was to great, my inadequacy at this whole process, my frustration at her unconditional love which strangled me like a noose around my neck.
then one day i arrived home to see her in the kitchen.
'i fucking hate you,' she screamed. the vase came hurdling towards me and i managed to move from its path with agility i don't possess. the plates came one after another, smashing crashing exploding around me. one hit my shoulder blade and bounced away. another hit my forehead and left a bloody gash across my face.
'you bastard, i hate you fucking bastard.'
each throw was matched in a line of abuse, the projectile and its sonic equivalent.
i looked at her, face crimson with rage, anger dripping from her nostrils, her teeth bared in fierce aggression and her eyes ablaze with fixed certainty i was the target of her seething cumulative hate. it was tidal, it was brutal, a barrage of shards, splinters and chunks. each left its mark and wound, deep inside i was hurting as i understood there was no escape.
eventually, she said something that changed everything, 'i rather be alone than with you.'
and i knew then i was deeply in love and could never be apart from her.

now in clarity i see through the fabrics, veils and the glamour into new orders of existence. i penetrate the dimensional extremes to glimpse new perspectives. 
i look around at the evidence, there's clearly something amiss in my environment, for this is how it is in the mirror universe where everything is reflective but therefore inverted. mirrors are deceptive, we always forget the inversion and never calculate it's distortion as it is so subtle our senses are fooled but the truth always penetrates the lie. you are a truth, i am a truth. we are the truth becoming. 
the only way out is through.
i'm so exhausted by the process, so very disenchanted yet all i have is a truth, a knowledge i should never possess, and it is truth itself. it is my light burning low but still burning true. 
i will go to my grave knowing.
i will return knowing to source.
i will never have another life but i will know this beyond death.
i eventually met myself and she was everything i ever wanted in a woman.