baptism of fire at mission control as flames burn their way through the virgin fireplace and coal embers shine bright in amber, lava like stillness as we run out of wood to burn. she has gone through two bags, elegantly creating heat as she dances and spins around like a fire butterfly sometimes towards me but often away.

three days, pass quickly, speeding into fast and slow time within each moment, everything shifts fast, one moment we are laying in bed liquidly entwined the next we are heading down a country road talking about an amityville horror from childhood. 

the mescaline experience was not what i hoped and perhaps the information we desired will come later but for now this is an equivalent sacred time, and all of it is precious to me. 

she heals in giant large chunks, while mine trickles out like a leaking tap. i take the perspective it's good as we get to see one another together healing and assisting ourselves pass-through process. it's taken a toll on us, i recognize the post-trauma syndrome.

it feels good to finally say whats needed to be said, her words hurt and i could go deeper into it but choose carefully not to, it's time to let it go, swallow pride and be responsible for it all. it was my failure not hers.

the worst is over i guess, i know this now. i have changed so much, no more straight lines, no more certainty, no more knowing, grounding takes all that away, it replaces magick with mundane and puts me in my place by limitation.

i struggle with it but accept it, this period is important to balance myself, my earthing is painfully sad but she does know best and i trust this as she has always been right.

slowly things are revealed, and i'm uncertain if they are necessary. i never saw details only the big picture, i guess we are equal but different in complementary ways.

whatever can be said we do have a great love and it will grow, i feel this in myself but i can't trust her to feel the same. so everything comes with it's opposite, i begin to prepare for the reality, she will leave me here and go overseas, and that will be that. i know this will happen, and encouraged it early on, but now it just leaves me feeling defeated and sad, nostalgic for a beautiful vision i never got to realize. 

after she leaves i clean up mission control and do my inner work.