i see the particle accelerator this morning, as i incarnate into dr. when and shift my focus away from the mission to the mission.
i must travel into the future to save the past. i prepare my mind for this, a slow methodical silence penetrates and meditation is just letting go.
the methodology for forward traveling is more complex than traveling back. travelling back is about memory and traveling forwards is about forgetting. 
in time i will forget it all, and then i will have moved to my future and be able to complete this part of the mission. to remind my past self to win the war within by traveling forward, the moment is ineffective. there is no power in the moment unless it is attached to its future moment, therefore the power in the moment lies in the next and the one that follows it. the future.
dr. when must address this and correct his mistake of thinking the moment would assist progress, it only leads to inertia. 

THE VERVE - sit and wonder

strange fear confronts me, mortality and all that jazz, i get a result that shocked me and i feel rebellious about the whole thing, give me my death i scream silently because life has just disappointed me. 
weird space. 
then i get a call from my friend who offers me perspective and to hold my hand during the procedure. 
well i guess i don't feel so alone now. but do i want to submit to a medical model? 
no, i can't, this is about more than medicine, this is transformation and i must go it alone because that is the way it is now. alone.
i was always a loner, love just reinforces this. 
the day falls to its knees, the hours and minutes and seconds all march onwards and i become content at the situation being a metaphysical one rather than a physical one. my body has a history of pyschosomatic transformations, this is just another at my atomic structure seems to know what it is doing before me.

the spectacular revelation hits me through the sexual energy field, i'm plugged inwards and tuned inwards, turned on and dropped out from the past few months trauma. change occurs in rapid sequence as i understand my twin sun and the dogstar connection, inner child work integrates itself, outer mission work integrates itself in tandem, processes are working in the magickal universe as i break out from the prison i was entrapped within. 
the past cannot hold me, it cannot be allowed to leave its residual friction upon my future, i will not allow it.
that phase is over, i hung in it immobilized for far to long, it was not my fault but i am responsible and have chosen to meet this process halfway now, no surrender.
i am a strange impulse, resonating higher frequencies and 'earthing'
maybe exactly what i needed but it is not where i choose to stay.
i operate on different dimensions, i need to be free to do this. 
the instant i make my revelation reality everything changes. i can move forward now.
she comes towards me, which surprises me greatly, last thing i expected. i'm finally happy again.
death and rebirth. i am reborn.
now i must explore my own integration, what has changed?
what remains?
what i am capable off now in these new conditions.
she says, with great power comes great responsibility, well i never seek power, power does not interest me. yet it is flowing through my blood cells and bone marrow. 
the psychosomatic loss of blood must be the release of old power, corrupt and impotent. the new blood will taste much better, it will nourish and feed, it will have potency and power. 
the body will transform quickly aligning itself to spirit, captain mission has changed again. 
bring it on.
make it happen
unleash your power unto the world!

in a lift she deals with her circumstance, lost credit cards, banking institutions and bureaucracy, the man near me starts complaining as if people in lifts would not use their phones.

'some people have no idea.' he says to the handful off passengers.

i react swiftly, 'oh she has more ideas in a single second than you could ever imagine in your lifetime, therefore it's you who has no idea.'

he shuts up and exits.
looks are exchanged between myself and the old couple who look at me with a sparkle in their eyes.

on what should be the happiest day of my life i am deeply saddened by circumstance and my failures, feeling rejected and neglected, feeling so alone. everything now slips away, it all just goes from me, i didn't really ever stand a chance against such irrational hostility and circumstance. i believed, i gave it all but all i received was some weird form of anti-love.
all i got was the opposite of what he got, the inverse. i can't ever understand why, only that it felt like being crucified and i have been defeated. defeat is inside my soul, it is inside my spirit and now it is despair.

baptism of fire at mission control as flames burn their way through the virgin fireplace and coal embers shine bright in amber, lava like stillness as we run out of wood to burn. she has gone through two bags, elegantly creating heat as she dances and spins around like a fire butterfly sometimes towards me but often away.

three days, pass quickly, speeding into fast and slow time within each moment, everything shifts fast, one moment we are laying in bed liquidly entwined the next we are heading down a country road talking about an amityville horror from childhood. 

the mescaline experience was not what i hoped and perhaps the information we desired will come later but for now this is an equivalent sacred time, and all of it is precious to me. 

she heals in giant large chunks, while mine trickles out like a leaking tap. i take the perspective it's good as we get to see one another together healing and assisting ourselves pass-through process. it's taken a toll on us, i recognize the post-trauma syndrome.

it feels good to finally say whats needed to be said, her words hurt and i could go deeper into it but choose carefully not to, it's time to let it go, swallow pride and be responsible for it all. it was my failure not hers.

the worst is over i guess, i know this now. i have changed so much, no more straight lines, no more certainty, no more knowing, grounding takes all that away, it replaces magick with mundane and puts me in my place by limitation.

i struggle with it but accept it, this period is important to balance myself, my earthing is painfully sad but she does know best and i trust this as she has always been right.

slowly things are revealed, and i'm uncertain if they are necessary. i never saw details only the big picture, i guess we are equal but different in complementary ways.

whatever can be said we do have a great love and it will grow, i feel this in myself but i can't trust her to feel the same. so everything comes with it's opposite, i begin to prepare for the reality, she will leave me here and go overseas, and that will be that. i know this will happen, and encouraged it early on, but now it just leaves me feeling defeated and sad, nostalgic for a beautiful vision i never got to realize. 

after she leaves i clean up mission control and do my inner work.