i'm back from overseas, very sick with pneumonia which has smashed me completely. was it worth it i wonder in the deep stretch of my illness. for the first time doubt hits me and in my feverish state i see the new truth. all i have been met with day after day is a defensive mechanism that will lure me in and then repel me, an uncertainty principle that had beaten me to a pulp with it's consistent polarity. 
i begin to feel anger resentment and disappointment and wonder if i should really give it all up and find  another. 
when i wrote the spell i had no one specific in mind, i just wrote it as i would any spell, no agenda in my alphabet, i used the brokerage service available to me. my prayer was answered, it's rude to send things back so i kept my faith but now, today i feel different. 
obviously this has been a long time coming and ironically in my state i feel remarkably strong, after all i am the one who made the effort in this experience. it's mine to withdraw, mine to chose. who could blame me, i gave it everything, and the payback was sabotage and indifference. i let it go, i let it all go and suffered my punishments alone, why should i imagine i would ever have her as a friend when all i have experienced is a form of hate. 
when morning arrives i get a message about her dream. it's significant but it makes me think about our strange connection and how much i really know it to be something true. it makes me breath better she seems to feel the same way, despite all her actions. 
logic determines the fact, if you repeat the same action and expect a different result it defines a form of madness. so i ponder my abdication with great seriousness and contemplation. i want a better return, a quality i feel and experience. love is conditional. it has to be or else it's just a fickle fleeting dalliance with no real meaning or significance, anyone can just love anyone, love reduced to commodity  i love you becomes 'would you like fries with that.'
i can't pour my energy into something that offers me zero, that's not even a feedback loop.
but she is my wife through alchemical processes, ayahuscia delivered us, the universe has intervened despite her refusal to acknowledge it, despite all her defensive strategies, despite the sabotage and the influence of people around her i remain. loyal to a fault. it's my weakness.
i wake up looking and listening for a fat lady singing but only see tee shirts which words that confirm the truth.
hong kong is weird, i'm still laid out like a dead man in a morgue, however i do take one amazing trip up a mountain called the peak where i notice a spectacular graveyard on the steep overgrown edge. ancient graves of pirates, over run with bush, it's a sub tropical gothic resting place with a view. i feel at peace here, amongst the dead pirates. 
the peak is really quite worthwhile and wander around like a tourist at the top, enjoying my time travel back to the pre structural days of the island. i would have sailed these shores, smuggled opium, fought the chinese and the british, stateless as we searched for our own libeteria, my crew of beatniks, philosophers and poets, artist and mystics, we were nocturnal, under the moon, our movements were night, obscured and silent from the sight of man. we sailed for the goddess, we sailed for freedom and truth and liberation.
the next few days i sleep, in and out i drift, dreams where i am in love as i see it unfolding, dreams of romance and hot flesh and whispers of passionate words, far removed from the reality of now. 
back in sydney i feel empty again, alone, and i wonder if i have made a mistake returning. there really seems like nothing here for me now. an emptiness.
it's good to be back, i didn't really have a good trip, all i did was sleep and fight illness. i still cough, splutter and have a heavy heart. what a pointless exercise. i am without hope, dante wrote, 'abandon all hope ye whom enter here' for this is hell, but for me its become purgatory. i'm a long way from where i need to be, subjected to test conditions and the insane influence of others.
we speak on the phone, yet more obstacles, more hurdles, more attacks, all completely unconscious and i can feel myself slipping away. was it ever meant to be this hard. do i deserve this? 
it's difficult for me not to question everything again. why would i put myself through such drama and hardship. i do believe, but i'm not insane enough to continue being treated with such fucking indifference.
then i get a phone call from my cousin who seems to think i should move to denver with him.
it seems to be a great idea, a place i always loved despite the winters. colorado, a smart state, new opportunity, a new life, an escape from this farce i have found myself trapped in.
my prayers are always answered, i ponder this.
god gives and sends us what we want, it happens to me all the time. it would be rude to return these blessings.
i feel like i have been rejected, yet i'm very aware of my worth, maybe not to her but to someone who values me. whom loves me. 
she divides everything into light and darkness, i am dark whereas he was light. this confused me so much, a duality that was false as all duality is, yet it continues on and on, i am a dark energy, no one can save her from me she is warned by those that love her.
maybe i should just become the darkness, fuck people and their judgements and agendas, i bet not one of those people who call me dark have had anywhere as much experience in the human condition as i have, i bet not one of those people have chosen to widen and broaden their understanding of humanity by experiencing it. yes, i could have chosen not to work with children that have been tortured and abused, and worked in a flower shop ignorant and happy but i'm not the ignorant type, and i'm not a man who thinks being happy is the answer to life. the answer lies in evolution, and in order to evolve i must know what i am evolving from. i don't chose ignorance, i don't chose bliss, i choose life. 
i recall once being at a party and some girl asking me what i do.
'i work with sexually abused children,' i said.
later i was told by some friends i shouldn't tell people what i was doing as it was a party and not the correct place to speak of such things.
fuck that. 
is that me being a dark energy?
truth is not fucking light. it's everything that is not a lie. that's why psychedelics open the fucking mind, so we can see it all. light and darkness.
people who call me dark need to look at their own darkness, disguised as light. it's just a mask until you remove it and walk into human suffering without wearing a mask you can't fucking tell me i'm a dark energy. 
light, darkness, to me they are the same as red and green, all colours on a spectrum. i'm all those colours and beyond because i have vast experience and knowledge. i don't fucking live in a cacoon surrounded by self affirming groups of people who all reenforce one anothers reality. i chose diversity so i am challenged and can expand. i choose a wide human experience so i have grown and yeah, it's brutal and disturbing but that's just a small fraction of me. yet that's the fraction that everyone seems to have focused upon without even meeting me, knowing me or anything about me. lightworkers, these people may call themselves lightworkers but perhaps what they really are is just frightened and scared. i don't judge them for staying safe in their cocoons but who are they really serving. i bet not one of them ever volunteered their time on a suicide prevention hotline. much safer to just send a quick donation or a moment of empathy.   
fuck them. i don't care to be judged or labeled, sentenced to some sort of unimaginative polarity where things are just light or dark. when those people have a wider range of experience, when they have seen what a sadist does to a child or treated a battered wife's bruises then maybe i would take them seriously. 
i chose my career because i was good at what i did, i wanted service to the vulnerable, i excelled in it because i wanted to heal mankind one person at a time. each job became progressively more challenging and complex until i reached my limit. that's not darkness, that's experience. 
the opposite word is innocence. i'm on a spectrum between those points not light and darkness. if you want someone permanently stuck in childhood, that's not going to be me. i'd really like to be there sometimes, and i envy those that are, but i don't remain in that state for long, i get there when i get there and it passes when it passes. the rest of me moves so the fact is i'm not fucking dark or light, i don't want to be either of those things at all. i'm not limited to lightworking, you can inform your people, i'm much more than they can even imagine. so please tell them to stop fucking calling me a dark energy because all that does is show me what they are.
i've seen how people manipulate, it's so fucking frightening and requires far more intelligence than i have. that's the brain not the heart. it's all a game i don't play. i have zero interest in these types of games and drama. i was completely honest with you about my intention and then subjected to crucifixion by the horde of people you call lightworkers. i tolerated their words and influence because they meant something to you. but now i say fuck them. i'm not playing their game at all. i'm way beyond that.
i have moved through the evolution of this relationship slowly, it's hurt me deeply, wounded me and i feel battered but no more will i give myself to it as i have done. it is time now for me to experience something different other than indifference, platitudes and dishonour.
am i worthy you asked me when you were feeling powerful and mighty in your ego state. i was worthy then and it never meant anything to you. i'm worthy still, what does it mean to you now?


    

beautiful one, i hope this helps you in my absence. food for thought.

one charioteer, two winged horses.

the platonic ideal of the composite soul.
(see the image i use as a header is the awakened intelligence and two dragons)

one horse is the biological self, the instincts if you are romantic like me, the appetites if you are a platonist.

the other horse is thumos (courage) the spirited part of the self, the part that responds non rationally to praise or blame from others. it is guided by pressures and influence of community to which the individual belongs.

one horse represents the biological and individual self, the other the social self.

it is in thumos the microscopism reflects our social macroscopism.

to the ancient greeks thumos was not just a social construct but a real life force and once it left the body of a person they died.

eros (not the love eros but the appetite) is the other horse, a need for lower needs, the base of maslow's hierarchy of needs perhaps. food, shelter, warmth. thumos being the higher.

the charioteer is the logos, the will and intellect of the mind. 

both horses have a place within the soul and when a healthy mind holds the reigns the chariot can be driven forwards. 

logos is significant, it desires nothing but learning and wisdom and thus by this mental function the soul can balance the pulses and urges of the two winged horses.

eros- driven by sensual impressions and bodily appetites,

thumos - driven by social norms and expectations

logos - driven by the capacity of mental reflection, generates nothing except what is filtered by the two horses.

therefore the greeks were concerned about this tripartite soul as that all data was significantly altered or biased. what we touch is not what we perceive and process in the mind.  the faculties of the soul distort the ability to perceive nature as it is.

a good way to look at this is traveling through a strange land you have two translators, one speaks only of the physical appearance and desires, the other of social status and chances to improve their nobility. both are unreliable.

by the end of the journey you know more about the translators than the country.

this is where the logos finds itself. 
it depends on two functions that provide inaccurate data.

there is no way the data can be corrected once filtered.

so how can we know beyond our senses?

intuition or as the greeks called it nous. this allows us true insight into reality. the nous remains pure and undistorted. it is a higher form of knowledge and insight. understanding and intuition.

plato sees the sun as intuition, the part of the soul that has lived many lives. nous is infinite and self-ruled, it is independent. it creates meaning and it transcends all realms and it is often used in magick. it is a divine understanding.

the secret lies in co creation between the external force of the nous and the internal forces of the logos. harmony.

eventually the nous will be the conduit between heaven and yourself, it's almost easy to see how intuition can become an occult force. 
you have excellent intuition, train it, use it, trust it. i love you.

...ms. mission is probably the most beautiful woman i have ever seen, i say probably as i don't want to be accused of being biased or obsessed but she is something else. i want to show you all her face, it's magnificent to gaze upon. i could look at her for hours and often do, just watching that incredible structure that shifts between moon, feline, egyptian goddess, witch and wonder. 
i won't post her photograph here as she may get upset and disprove of such iconography so you would have to trust me when i say she's incredible. 
however without wanting to dismiss her face, i have to inform you about the space that exists within her mind. so freaking intelligent and switched on i always feel like i am in the presence of a true genius of our times. she has so much to offer this planet and has triumphed over great adversity including me. 
so hail to the heroine.
and i must confess i was blessed when she came to visit and say goodbye, wow!
despite my crazy emotional fracture, i have no idea what was happening except that weeks, perhaps months of almost zero sleep had caught up with me. every second was beautiful as she weaved her brilliant beauty and mind through my ravaged predicament. man what a woman.
there is no doubt for me, we have an extraordinary "relationship' and it is blooming into something stronger while maintaining the incredible uniqueness of our individuality. the result being when we are together we are more than the sum of our parts (despite my feeling less yesterday)
i fell into a deep sleep when she left, deeper than i can fathom, there was no end to the depths and the dreams.
one dream being we were both in a lovely convertible  a big car, old fashioned. and we were driving under blue skies, laughing and listening to some nice jazz music. ah it was lovely for me to dream like that, joyous for a change. so few dreams recently, just impressions.

well i am awake early, feeling so much better and as i drove down the freeway a car with a name we share as a faded vision reappeared and stuck with me all the way to my turn off. i don't read to much into these things but that was a nice affirmation of something.

when i'm horizontal and i think about her body, her flesh in the most explicit ways, it's an erotic tidal wave but it's not formed from anything but some strange charkra energy. 
when i'm vertical grounded to planet, conduit of gaia intelligence agencies, i understand the mission. 
solar charkra activated, bright yellow radiating outwards, it's heat baby, gonna melt your ice fortress. that green one is fucking stronger than ever, it's just pulsing out like a throbbing love gun set to stimulation mode and the blue one knows the words and the crown just wants to melt into yours and form a sexy over-mind. it's love my way, and it is a new road i follow.
  

forever now
by
the deep fix

see the sun send it's ancient light
and time spans the great divide
you and i are stardust
travelling side by side
we know what the story is
we know how it ends
in lovers like us the template lays
so much more than friends
from eternity to infinity
from infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

see horizons curve before us
big dividing lines dissolve
and distance that was between us
is a matter of resolve
we don't care about tomorrow
that was yesterday
and all that matters to us
is we are here to stay
from infinity to eternity
from infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

if angels can dance upon
the head of a tiny pin
open up that beautiful heart and
let me come on in
you know me now
you see me with the eye within
we think that we are seperate
but we are only orbiting
from infinity to eternity
infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

not much sleep at all but old mission did love his late night chat with ms mission, sigh....

i pottered around watched the dawn rise over the water, sparkle in the fragments of light through water, crashing surf and meditations upon the heart which to be honest get me nowhere. i am what i am.

i am not what i am not. which leaves me so that's who i am now. 

so i drop the xv off at the garage and lo and behold they offer to drive me home and pick me up, yahoo seriously, that's saved some time in which i must make preparations. i search through some drawers and find a complete new set of clothing i never knew i had, lots of japanese influenced attire, some exotic sarongs from my travels some other stuff i might take with me. 

part of me puts things in the case, it's the part that is running on auto pilot, the rest just is filled with unrequited desire, longing and wishing. that part makes me feel very vulnerable and isolated. i should not even disclose that part because it's ripe for exploitation and sabotage. that part just has such a heavy heart at the moment, filled with some sort of weird sadness and guilt. it's new to me, a new feeling and it makes me sadder than extra visionary blue.

then there's all this helplessness about ms. mission feelings of 'familiararity' and her fear. it's ironic to say the least but i'm an irony guy. 

it would be nice to just be seen with fresh eyes, as a individual unique being and a fresh page on which to build a perception but i guess we all have our histories and they often control us more in the present than we can deal with.

well the day is young still, laundry, cleaning, packing, preparation. it's all speeding up around me, does time run out for me? can i escape it? no. i think november will be the date of my liberation or sentence but i can push forwards through time, age and decay will have to play their role now, i will suffer for 6 months but no longer than i have to. i guess this is the consequence for me. a sacrifice.

who would have ever thought such a thing could happen to me yet i guess jesus always said, love is sacrifice and he knew a bit about love. i'll just do what he did seeing as though he's popping up everywhere these days.

word spreads fast amongst the people i connect with, everyone knows what's going down often before i even get a chance to speak. i don't know, maybe i'm just slow on the uptake these days, nervous to commit to anything as nothing seems interested to engage on a level that means anything. just have to plod forwards on my own, in my own way and own time. i cart myself off to see my glamorous agent who has organised everything for me, she knows exactly what i like, my accomodation needs are eccentric and precise. she knows my time tables, situation and resources. she's a smart cookie and i like chatting with her about places, faces, surf. in fact in my dull ordinary days i look forwards to seeing her light up when i walk in.
so it's done, my movements are locked in, loaded and i now have to position myself in a very tight schedule for a few days. easy, but blah, i'm so unmotivated to do anything other than enter a deep state of sleep for a thousand years on ms. missions chest.
it's the strangest feeling described only by the movie 2001 space odyssey where the monkey bone spins through space and time and suddenly it's a space habitat rotating to create its own gravity. the worlds most perfect edit. that's what my head on her chest and hearing her heartbeat feels like. go figure?
and last night she shares with me her passion for 1984 and animal farm, how incredible. my two fave books are hers. 
it's mind blowing!
i watch the amazing surf break down at terrible, the swell is magnificent and there are hoards of hardcore surfers riding them, all decked out in full wetsuits. mmm, i'm tempted but i'm also very exhausted and in these conditions a man must know his limits. 
i grab a coffee and some supplies. 
i consider the doctor as i've been bleeding badly from my nose but dismiss the whole thing. whatever it is i don't really need to know about it only know it will pass like everything else in the last few months, the physical pain is so much better than the emotional, it's almost a relief.
on return i do some cleaning, heavy domestic situation and play bellydance loud. then i consider throwing stuff in a suitcase but blah, i'm renowned for packing at the last second and travelling very light. 
seems like i can just lay down for a while and listen to the birds outside. i'm going to miss them.

what a mysterious woman you are,

the only sleep i seem to get is when i hear your heart beating in my ear and my head rests upon your breast.

why is that so?