Wednesday, April 30, 2014

inclement morning, rain beating down the suburb of woy woy where everyone looks like they are involved in crack deals, suspicious whispers in cafes over tepid half drunk cappuccinos and lonely figures standing with hands in pockets in water drenched side streets, a localised zombie apocalypse. 
i slip through the second hand book shop where a helpful bibliophile assists me locate a certain book i have been tracking, it's called 'sacred mushroom and the cross' by john marco allegro and the youthful assistant actually had a well worn copy but it was so expensive i had to leave it sitting there near the elaine pagels gnostic writings. it's much cheaper on the net so perhaps next pay day i will buy a copy from amazon and have it delivered by drone to me.
the rain makes my garden grow, the weeds i pulled out the other day are grown back but at least my fern looks vibrant and healthy after my killing of it with kindness, never again will i water my garden. i never knew the chemicals in tap water kill ferns.
as i sit down to file my report the sun begins to pierce through dense cloud, some blue skies appear as the curtain of nimbus clouds part.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

go for a long walk and swim, the beach all windswept, lots of washed up stuff, shells, strange shining rocks and seaweeds of all shapes and sizes, the water is cool but okay, i like that sudden shock, the palpitating heartbeat as i acclimatise, no waves, just still water. 
later i scan the papers, it's all the same old stuff, lying politicians, corruption, unrest, one side says this, the other says that, stupid really. i drink a coffee and contemplate my navel.
jake travelling through mexico, living in a tree town, eating fruit and coconut drinks, sends me some pictures, looks nice, we swap a few mexico tales. i miss spawn of mission, he's a cool character a real individual, a fashionista in the fashion world whatever planet that is.
i get back to libertaria, start rummaging around the garden pulling out weeds, clearing fallen palm fronds, fix a fence.
its not even 9am yet and i've put in my hours, kick back reading my robert ferringno novel some pulp fiction, fast paced thriller for travelling on planes, sitting on beaches, frittering away hours. 
my karma broker rings me, she wants to come over for a visits and go through some stuff with me. i feel nervous, i probably should have been more kinder, noble and virtuous but i was selfish, stupid and reactionary, bit disappointed in me old self. fuck!
later some friends from brighton in the uk skype me and we chat a little about various international intrigues.
it's a 'rabbit hole' is our shared conclusion. yeah that's exactly what it is down there which is why i don't like attaching conclusive statements to these things, only that politics is no answer, religion is no answer but liberation is only attained in spiritual practice. death and taxes await us all, there is no escape no matter how hard we suffer, we all suffer.
these politicians, all of them have played a game with us, it's a very complex and clever chess like strategy because whatever path you take with them will lead to the same place.
i cant think of anything worse, a one world government, it's everything i despise but its inevitable now.
i wonder how far after its official debut people will begin to regret it. 
the imf, the world bank, the un, kings and queens and knights, the pieces are in play, the checkmate is not far away. it's not a matter of black or white winning because pawns are sacrificed by both sides and guess who the pawns are?
fighting against it only ties you to a side. detachment is the only way out but that's a very hard call, even for me whom is well versed in the art of non attachment. 
i remember some people i was chatting with said they were observers on the deck, the observation deck of a titanic, 'waiter, i'll have some more ice,' i said, trying to be funny, but we are not on the observation deck, how can we be, there is no observation deck only duty and even that is very confusing.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

they gave me a suit, it was completely reflective (a silver sheen when viewed in isolation) a black mirror suit, light material, transnano weightless so i could move with ease through the crystal zones at the epicentre, the geeks had speculated gravitational fields may be unpredictable.
the drop was a few hundred yards away, in dense jungle that was once a vast city, now over grown with vines, fabulous blooms, flowers of several vivid intensities, mutated orchids towering up the size of old buildings from before the catalysm. a number of old crumbling skyscrapers wrapped in thick vines, exposed floors, offices and bedrooms carpeted in tall grass, moss and fungi.
i look upwards, sunlight filters through the canopy, beams becoming shafts of light exposed by density. an infra red filter slips down, protecting my eyes and revealing some tiny life forms, bugs crawling along the giant leaves, butterflies with glorious bright wings fluttering high up in an elaborate dance, a massive reptile skin gleaming basking on a branch. 
i look ahead, towards the epicentre. 
my vision adjusts and i clamber over some rubble and debris, leaping across the uneven ground. 
once there were roads and pavements, schools and shopping malls, monuments of civilization lost to swift nature and the blast zone.
the scientists had been playing with neutrino's sending them through various crystals in a collider, altering their tau value. it all seemed harmless on paper, but something went dramatically wrong. there were several theories but little fact.
for ten years the zone was unobservable, nothing could penetrate the radius. nothing left or entered and when it cleared, exposed a completely new landscape, the city was mostly swallowed by jungle but at the centre was a crystal area. 
a few drones flew over the area but mostly the operators found it hard to navigate, even the advanced spider drones found it impossible to traverse. then they send human teams, six went in, six disappeared. no information returned, radio contact stopped after a few hours and there was no sign of what had happened to them, not one person could even speculate. the video feed went from clear to static all signals frazzled. 
i'd entered the zone at dawn, i had at least six hours to get to the crystal field and the epicentre. i called up a map and checked for references, main street was now a trough of about 70 meters, overgrown with dense foliage, some of the side streets were still intact, but there was nothing to get a fix on, the buildings were unrecognisable. it was as if liquid metal had been poured over all the structures and they had warped and shifted into strange massive sculptures penetrating the jungle. 
i moved forwards, clambering through some vine. the sun was still behind me, i needed to make as much progress inwards as i could before it reached its zenith, at which i would have to travel back.
it was remarkably silent save for the gentle hum of my air filters and my breathing. i was aware the whole area would be teeming with life forms, my screens could pick up any erratic movements but nothing significant seemed to identify itself.
there was something meditative in working through the growth, hopping over branches and root systems, leaping across the rubble and looking out at the vivid fractured landscape. the suit made my movement fast, and offered me an unnatural agility and strength. 
as i approached the epicentre i could see a sudden contrast, the trees and some vines became crystallised in a significant curved demarcation, almost as if a circumference had been detailed into the landscape. this was a blast radius.
these crystal trees were magnificent, they towered up into the sky, even the leaves had become crystal refracting light everywhere.
my suit adjusted reflecting the glass environment back at itself. it was perfect camouflage.
the previous teams had reached this point and then transmission was broken, i checked all my instruments, waited before stepping out onto the crystallised ground, suddenly my connection feeds died. it must be the crystal interfering with signals, somehow generating a field of energy.
my foot crunched upon the glass like sand and when i bent down to grab it my hands clutched billions of tiny crystal forms, some interlocking with others. i noticed some were moving, like iron filings, they were forming a pattern, following some invisible force. they were alive, but that was impossible, crystal was inorganic.
i let the tiny fragments slip from my fingers and fall in a small puff on the floor. the filter was still assisting me to have clear visuals and i could make out several large structures ahead. i crunched forwards until the crunching stopped and i found myself upon a white glass like surface. i looked around me at the large crystal figures, human. they had been turned into crystal, almost unrecognisably trapped within a crystal shell.
i started to move away, retreat back, tactically it was a good move but the crystal sand had crawled up my legs and was slowing all movement until i was trapped, it very quickly encased me and began to attack the suit.
the vision flared into a white washed out sheen, a filter dropped down to keep my sight and everything went monochrome.
the crystal began to penetrate the suit, i don't know how it did, but i guess it was at a sub atomic level, i began to feel it upon my skin, as it flowed into my pores and flooded my blood stream and i could feel it climbing up through my spine into my brain.
i was outside my body, in a clear void. there was no sound but i could hear a voice, a silent voice inside my head.
whatever this crystal was it was intelligent, it was inside me, could read my mind and alter my thoughts and emotions. it was music, it was love, it was bliss, it was infinite and it was good.
what are you? 
i thought the question and was given an answer in a sweeping cinematic injection of vision. it was fire, ancient words burning in the skies and typhoons, the elements arranging themselves in front of me, there were creatures made of creatures, fabulous life in all its variety, there were ladders reaching the stars that turned in upon themselves and became dna strands, there were masses of people moving through time and space, some human, some alien all flickering across the screen, animals of all kinds, mythological and real, i could see all these things in the face of a massive explosion, times arrow expanding out into the void.
and then sucked into a crystal.
there was silence.
are you alive?
suddenly i saw the crystal pulse, i could hear it vibrate, like wind chimes, soft sounds subtle and elegant, the tremble of vibrations began to grow and i watched light refracting until it became a sun in the night skies.
this was not an anomaly, it was not an experiment gone wrong, this was first contact. somehow the neutreno's must have created a tachyonic field and these crystals entered, which means there would be an interface between worlds, earth and wherever these crystals inhabited.
can you return?
immediate retreat, time running backwards, they could manipulate time but they were staying, they were curious about our world and wanted exploration, they sought out information, that's what the crystals did, held records of information. they were storage devices, much like human beings i guess.
i can help, what do you want to know?
they were curious about organic life, about our diversity, for where we had infinite possibility with dna these beings had only crystalline.
i request that you keep your presence unknown to the humans, we would not know how to respond correctly, you would be at risk from our collective ignorance.
there was a silence.
what do we call you i asked.
there was a powerful force of words, three syllables.
i couldn't repeat the name, but i could the first syllable, elle.
elle, please you must not continue to remain in this realm, we are not ready for you, i cannot guarantee the others of my species would embrace the idea of you, we are primitive, stupid violent creatures, we are just not ready for this, it's premature for our species to have this contact.
the crystal throbbed, i could feel it inside my mind, scanning my memories, collecting the experience. i felt myself swallowed up in an ocean of pure information, the pictures continued but they took on different forms, liquid, like a tidal wave, a massive energy pervaded everything, stretching through time and space.
i remained uncertain where i was, if indeed i inhabited a physical form anymore, i floated in an ocean of quanta, and all information was accessible.
it was endless, infinity at my fingertips, life teemed through the universe, millions of planets inhabited by intelligent lifeforms, civilisations spanned the galaxies, inter dimensional beings, knowledge flooded into my mind, i shared collective knowledge with everything. i could feel the energy of the other teams, they inhabited this ocean as well, they had abandoned everything and chosen to stay here. i appealed to them to return but they were at peace, happy and free. i saw the past, the folly of our race, we had fallen into the same patterns that billions of other civilisations had, we had made the same mistakes, repeated them over and over and i came to know this was okay as time was endless and at some point in time we would collectively escape the cycle of suffering.
i didn't want to stay despite the serenity, for i knew if i did stay others would follow, eventually all humans would journey in to the crystal zone, it would become a pilgrimage, a religion would be built upon the experience, humans would control it, access would be for the rich and powerful, while the people in need are kept out. that was the human condition, i couldn't change it could i?
i contemplated what the correct action would be, what should i do. i felt the responsibility in my heart.
elle suggested i return to the human world and that it would close in upon itself forever sealing humanity from escape within the quanta ocean of crystal. i could feel it retreating from me incrementally, like a time lapse wave.
i slowly became aware of my suit, uncertainty gripped me. if i stayed i would be at peace forever, completely free and in the arms of pure intelligence, a life form so unusual and powerful but i would never be human again, i would be something else. if i went back into the world and spoke of this no one would believe me, they would want proof or they would attempt to stop the closure, capture elle, god knows what kind of weaponry they may use. if i asked elle to stay and converge with humanity only suffering would follow, politicians would get in the way, the military and secret police. they would seek to use the crystal as weaponry of a means of control instead of liberation. but then could they, could they stop a wave, nothing exists that can do that. there had to be a solution, a way of compromise, a way some of the crystal form can stay on earth, assisting people transcend. 
elle was still inhabiting me, she agreed it would be useful to remain in contact with some of the humans and she devised an option. the crystal was holographic, that meant in one tiny grain there existed the same information that existed in the massive structures of composite crystal forms, so some of it could remain but as microscopic spores. these would be absorbed by the vines in the surrounding jungles, stored within their organic structures for safekeeping. i could access them when i needed by brewing the vine and drinking it. 
i found myself laying on a small area of crystal sand, surrounded by dense jungle, the circle was decreasing, my suit came back on, normal vision returned, transmissions came in and a signal resumed. 
'i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm returning from the epicentre.'
i looked up at the sun directly over my head, plenty of time to make it back, plenty of time to concoct a story and plan a new life.
i could feel the trace elements of crystal inside me surging through my veins exploring my neural networks.



Monday, April 14, 2014

an uncertainty principle followed me home, it's enveloped me, not sure what to do but i know the surf will help, drove down to terrible beach but it looked and felt wrong so i grabbed a coffee and returned home crashed out for a few hours. outside the rain fell, my fern had sprouted two new fronds, they were blowing wildly in the wind. i was certain i had murdered that tree but it appears to have regenerated itself. the garden looks green, a bit wild, every time i look at it i see more work. 
on the radio they have been talking a lot about snakes, i heard an interview with a central coast snake catcher whom said he catches about 50 a month. in the local paper they have a few warnings about snakes, and some photos of people whom have had encounters. 
i'm not so scared of snakes, i seen a few but they just slithered away. they can move fast and one even moved sideways in a strange motion that i found mesmerizing. i contemplate having a pet python, my place would suit it well but i figure i'd have to feed it live animals which i would find very difficult although it could feast on all the wild critters that hang out outside. in one part of my mind i have this vision of a snake hanging down from the ceiling fan but the idea is rejected quickly by my much smaller rational brain. 
i am about to start reading the final book of the 'left hand of god' trilogy, it's called, 'the beating of his wings.' 
i thought i should read the first and second book again for continuity, i recall most of the story but there's a sub plot i completely forget and these novels won't take long to read but when i start looking for them i can't see them at all. i stumble around the piles of books scanning like an library android, there are so many books in here but i have a system. it's chaos to the observer but for me it works, only it didn't. three scans later and i still can't find the first and second novels. it's highly likely they may have been given away in my big cull, i was very ruthless which was really difficult for me, i get attached to books but that cull was executed with such savagery i'm still in denial. 


Saturday, April 12, 2014

i had this overwhelming desire to feel sunlight upon my face so i shaved off my beard and now i look like a fat faced pea head, and to cap it all it's rained non stop. however this did not stop me venturing out towards the city to catch everyones favourite rock legend the cosmic space rocker steve kilbey and his counterpoint the very wise and talented mr mark gable whom i have to say an unlikely pairing when you consider their musical influences, yet mark has an appreciation of steve's music that i can relate to as well, it's as though he to was caught in the spell of those songs.
well i arrived in nude town very early as i was to meet my church friend wilde childe but she was running late so i pottered around the bookshops and almost picked up a big volume of hunter s thompson's three late collections but realised i had read two off them. i was kind of frayed and exhausted, the week had been impossibly draining, it was a miracle i had made it, my bones ached with tiredness and my mind was scattered, i needed a good lie down and a cup of tea but i didn't want to miss the last of these shows, 'a stumble through australian music.'
i liked the songs they had chosen to play, great songs from australian musicians that i was vaguely familiar with yet their interpretations gave them new life, an energy that soared and was proud and graceful, you could really get a sense of what australian music was like at the time, something lacking in my appreciation. i only knew the church as australian, that was it, i discovered australian music when i got here in 1988, the rest of my education was based in london and new york.
australia had a scene, it had this great culture of songs and as steve and mark played them images and feelings of exciting possibilities flew up in my mental landscape. 
i met with wilde childe who was as frazzled as i, she bussed it, stuck in traffic, her week equally frustrating as mine. 
we had a quick pick me up coffee hit and went inside. i wanted to catch groom epoch who we had renamed groovy ewok, they were richard ploogs new band and i had liked what i had heard online, live they were great, they hit a groove after a few songs and suddenly doors opened, yeah i like that sound a lot, it was space rock with a groove. can't wait to get the cd, i can picture myself driving along the highway listening to them blasting out my speakers. 
richard remained on stage as he drums with steve and mark and i have to say he makes those songs come alive. marks guitar was amazing, it filled the room, felt like there were two guitar players on stage, i dunno how he does that, it's very effective, even dutch pierre was impressed with that awesome sound.
when they launched into the first song (i don't know what it's called) and those 'tra la la la le's' hit, man that's when you just knew it was going to be a special night. absolutely brilliant, in a class of their own these guys made those songs come alive. 
something like 'stumbling through australian music' should be on the abc as a special, steve and mark are so incongruous yet they work so well, they say it's due to their heights, but i think it's probably down to some other ingredient, whatever it is, it works and  the crowd loved it. very funny night, part rock, part vaudeville, part cabaret, part comedy, part education. 
it would be a great show abc people, get on it and make it happen!
had to split early due to train issues and ended up arriving home at 3am. on the train i noticed someone had left a book, a large hardback edition of the gita on the seat opposite me. that book always pops up in my life. i was book-less so i started into it, it's the hare krishna version, the one i grew up with in hertfordshire where my parents moved to, just down the road from the big temple george harrison built. every sunday i'd wander over and have lunch with the krishnas, they were intrigued by my background and i was into their excellent free lunches, i also liked the fact they were always happy, free from all of the bullshit, just singing and playing tambourines, eating karmic free food, doing some chanting plus they had sexy girls. 
i spent years going there every sunday afternoon.

when i was learning to drive my instructor (who was also my dealer) told me he was joining the krishna movement and i was deeply upset as i looked forward to my driving lessons which were really an excuse for a smoke. he disappeared and i think ended up in the usa or jail, he was involved in some murky business but i liked to think about him dancing through some chicago airport terminal.
when jake was about four i took him to the temple in north sydney although the experience was very different, it had a more corporate style by then, i think there had been some sort of big change in the whole movement but whatever it was it didn't feel right for me.
my early years in sydney i'd always go to govindas, the cinema and restaurant in kings cross, what an absolute perfect place that was. one of my favourite spots in the city, long gone. i'd always have this amazing meal then go watch a movie and fall asleep almost immediately after laying down on those big cushions. great place for a date, one could slip into a soft intimacy without really having to try. i loved it.
holding onto the book i watched the night pass me by as morning arrived my thoughts taking strange detours memories merged with landscape. 
a group of kids embark at hornsby and they start singing an 'ah ha' song, it makes me smile, i hate that single but i love almost everything else they did, that huge elemental sound, landscapes and memories. 
religions and beliefs, so many, some good some bad, some set you free while others try to control, some work for you some don't, some gods are reasonable, others aren't but at the end of the day it's the same one, just different faces, the point is, find your path, stick to it, for it is the journey that is the destination, not the destination.
some of the people you meet on the way are just yourself. 
i cast my mind to my work, always with humans, it's always been one devalued group after another, homeless disenfranchised, beaten and battered, offender and offended, innocents and guilty, the helpless and the hopeless and in the end i remain convinced all you can really do is make it safe for them to do what they have to do, which is cry, wail and howl. we all break. i don't judge, i can't even advise, i can just hold their hand and say softly, it's okay, you are safe, with me, i'm just like you.
i remember jason, a young kid i worked with who had committed a terrible crime, an act so depraved i can't even write it, but he came at me once with a knife running towards me in a blur of frustration, anger and rage. the guy didn't stand a chance, he was a kid from terrible family conditions but he liked me, or at least had moments where he did. something had sent him into a furious rage and there he was racing at me with a blade. partly out of surprise but completely involuntary i smiled and opened up myself, in a death pose and just offered myself to him with a stupid grim. (it was not bravery or even a considered strategy, it was just automatic) and i watched his face, a map of all the pains and hate in his short existence and that knife stopped a fraction of a cm from my chest, he let it go and broke down sobbing at my feet. what are you going to say, 'naughty jason, shouldn't play with knifes?'
they wanted me to charge him but i refused, instead i just held his hand until he stopped crying and told him it's okay, he's okay and, i lied, everything would be okay. i didn't know that everything would be okay, i'm not clairvoyant but it seemed like a natural thing to say. 
anyway the point is, i been there to, i been angry, hurt, wanted to lash out and sometimes lashed much to my shame. there's no difference between wanting to lash and lashing really, the intention becomes some energy on some level. a bad thought can do a lot of damage.
anyway's my point i think i'm trying to articulate is there's no separation really, you me and the devil, we all just doing our best with what we got. i count my blessings, one two, if i wake up breathing i'm winning. anything else it has to be a blessing.
so 3am i arrive home, gotta go to work soon, i sprawl out on the sofa. its been a long, long night and i'm already in tomorrow. 
and then, as i fall into some tranquil zone i remember a story i read a long long time ago, about a hero who fights a war and realises after he's killed everyone he was fighting for the wrong side. maybe that's me. how are we really to know anything about what's right?
my brain must have shut down automatically at this point, like a zen koan the gears come to a screeching halt!


Thursday, April 10, 2014

krishna krishna, how i love your colour, radiating purity and clarity, like a foxy lady of the night giving it away for free, sit be still, come talk with me.
not holy, unsaid or worthy words, not unforgivable memetic schemes, not of the brain or mind and all its myriad schemes, no map to chart territory, or heartfelt emotional plea, here lies ambidextrous logics twin, the ghostly cloak of intuition.

halfway through don webbs, 'destroying old gods' i had to skip the first half written by some weird satanist whom i couldn't understand, the book is really an interpretation of old crowelys book of the law, a completely strangely inaccessible book as far as i am concerned. he should have written it in plain english but his woman was channelling some alien and i guess in the olde days all that mumbo jumbo must have sounded sweet.
however when don webb starts explaining it, things start to fall into place, i like his understanding of it. 
i like the definitions of white and black magick, much more sensible than the old moral ones. webb says, white magick is union with the universe, merging and harmonising the magickians will with the universes, which i guess is mysticism. black magick is separating, the magickian is the universe and by transforming their will they effect change on the external universe.
to me both are identical. okay i'm not an expert but i have studied and practiced these ideas and intuitively  know that in order to be true i must put them to the test and repeat the experiment so that results are consistent. that's the scientific method. one cannot replicate the experiments exactly the same as states of mind play a large part in the process of getting desired results but i believe the magickian has to surrender to the universe in order to change it, it's not about will it's about respect. this can be seen and observed in shamanic plant medicine. unless you respect the plant spirit, the plant spirit cannot be effective in assisting you. a bit like prayer, it's not a demand.
the practice of praying is a process, it takes a while to dissolve the ego state to a point it no longer exists, by this point it no longer seeks a wish fulfilment. however the universe being intelligent, and open to receive and intervene may do this if the conditions are right. the will gets in the way, which is why chaos magickians know not to expect a result. the expectation is the problem, it sabotages a result by it's very nature, which is why training is required. 
mental training takes years, and it starts with the premise, 'try not to think of an elephant!'
those satanist cats are just frightened that there may be intelligences within the universe that are more powerful influential smarter and wiser than them. while i admire their pursuit of an alternative creative energy, i can't begin to understand why they fear ego loss, ultimately they have to die like every other life form, so why not deal with it now.
i do like their gothic fashions though, black and silver work for me.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

it's okay don't panic, i am used to people hating me, as soon as they find out my background the gates are open and it floods out. i'm a veteran. girls who have loved me so utterly and completely suddenly find me repulsive and leave, friends i have known for years suddenly abandon me, ha, even my best friend dr. crack found it paradoxical, he couldn't get over it but he stuck with me till the end cos he loved me. 
i'm okay with it, it's not my place to defend a whole civilisation, i'm not after anything from people, if you wanna loathe me, go ahead, i'm available, project it all, for what is hate?
i forgive everything, ha! i forget everything, jesus and buddha teach loving your enemy and non attachment. i'm not attached to history, to ideas, ideological memes, religious or political, all of them serve no purpose for me. but they do for you. i love my enemy, i thank them for assisting me on my path, for representing my shadow.
i understand it's something deep at work, some energy needing to express itself. let it out, its better to release it than repress it although i won't go quietly into a gas oven so expect some resistance if it comes down to that.
life is short. i want to love right, i don't want to fall under a shadow of fear, it's to vampyric for me. 
everything will come out in the wash, the lambs and the wolves and the wolves dressed in lambskins, from where i am its best to love them all.