Wednesday, July 31, 2019

digging in the dirt - peter gabriel

deep healing as i look deeper inside and discover the fracture. my job is one of repair and restoration. i can feel things shift, inner alchemical processes kicking in, the synaptic centers in my brain begin to grow, forwards into new terrain, onwards open and vast. my mind meets the universe, it repositions itself. a new relationship as integration continues. i see now how i move deeper inside the child aspect i also move deeper inside the future man. this is a new kind of healing for me, a new experience but it required a certain vulnerability i was unprepared for. i've lost sight of the shore now. it's all unknown again. 

i am not your nemesis
captain mission

i am not your nemesis
i am not your enemy
i’m not the shadow that you
claim me to be
i know what I am
though you may run
if you are my moon
i am your sun
i’m not your nemesis
i am your liberator as you are mine
i am your space
you are my time
i am not your nemesis
neither are you mine
i’m not the past incarnate
to open up your heart
and penetrate and violate
i am the truth 
that sets you free
and you are the truth
that comes for me

fade out into a dim glow, my light expired as she caressed my head and told me she loved me. her soft fingers sweeping across my brow, her mouth whispering promises in my ear and the more she spoke with conviction the more i realized i was dying a slow death in her arms.
i attempted several times to make an escape, sometimes i made it to the cold country but only became very sick and had to return. sometimes i just thought if i sabotage it there would be finality and escape. however close i became to ending it, destroying it, corrupting it there was an intervention that dragged me back into her loving arms. 
she always said the same thing, and the result was always the same. i felt myself becoming weaker, moment by moment slipping away. 
i could never voice it, my need to escape because the pain was to great, my inadequacy at this whole process, my frustration at her unconditional love which strangled me like a noose around my neck.
then one day i arrived home to see her in the kitchen.
'i fucking hate you,' she screamed. the vase came hurdling towards me and i managed to move from its path with agility i don't possess. the plates came one after another, smashing crashing exploding around me. one hit my shoulder blade and bounced away. another hit my forehead and left a bloody gash across my face.
'you bastard, i hate you fucking bastard.'
each throw was matched in a line of abuse, the projectile and its sonic equivalent.
i looked at her, face crimson with rage, anger dripping from her nostrils, her teeth bared in fierce aggression and her eyes ablaze with fixed certainty i was the target of her seething cumulative hate. it was tidal, it was brutal, a barrage of shards, splinters and chunks. each left its mark and wound, deep inside i was hurting as i understood there was no escape.
eventually, she said something that changed everything, 'i rather be alone than with you.'
and i knew then i was deeply in love and could never be apart from her.

now in clarity i see through the fabrics, veils and the glamour into new orders of existence. i penetrate the dimensional extremes to glimpse new perspectives. 
i look around at the evidence, there's clearly something amiss in my environment, for this is how it is in the mirror universe where everything is reflective but therefore inverted. mirrors are deceptive, we always forget the inversion and never calculate it's distortion as it is so subtle our senses are fooled but the truth always penetrates the lie. you are a truth, i am a truth. we are the truth becoming. 
the only way out is through.
i'm so exhausted by the process, so very disenchanted yet all i have is a truth, a knowledge i should never possess, and it is truth itself. it is my light burning low but still burning true. 
i will go to my grave knowing.
i will return knowing to source.
i will never have another life but i will know this beyond death.
i eventually met myself and she was everything i ever wanted in a woman.

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

'fuck you'
i went to bed with one woman and wake up with another.
this pattern continues and it becomes predictable but nonetheless disappointing every time it manifests itself. however, i am immune now to the war paint mask and the powerful persona that seems to put everything else before love. i don't like her much but she's obviously the persona that controls your heart, and i think she needs to meet an aspect of myself to understand herself, it is interesting and strange, our counterparts are on a collision course.
the woman in the evening and night was clearly feminine and receptive, the one in the morning masculine. there's no value attached to these, there was no weakness or vulnerability, only great beauty, both personas have roles but they are far from integrated.
the male aspect hides behind war paint. the female needs none.
this is where you're healing... 
...mine continues. i do my work with diligence and conviction. i will change within. 
every day in every way i get better and better. every minite and every second and every moment i am better than the one preceding it.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

the edge of the cliff i wandered, the fool into the unknown
the person i was is now the one from which i've grown
the circle is completed, although not at the beginning,
as time itself tells us all, the revelation is revealing.
knowing me is endless, i think, therefore you are
you can never get to know me, unless close not far.
for your truth is clear and precise, it runs upon your time
whereas i flow according to, the 8 division sky.

i let it all go now, again and again, i surrender, that's what i have mastered in this life. my mistake was holding on, i really didn't want to let it go. it was such a deep soul truth, beyond time, it was so very deep i just couldn't let it go as though i would be returning something sacred that had been offered by the universe. you don't sacrifice a baby. that's how i felt.
a very rare thing for me to come across and it was beautiful. but you can't hold beauty no matter what form it takes. i've always understood it but she was the exception in my life. i guess there has to be exceptions on the path else it's just one long journey nowhere.

the morning is clear, crisp and cold. stillness speaks as i understand the light messages, they flow in from the space between photonic pulse, i feel the information enrich my spirit once more, i connect it up and open my heart again. it was brutally damaged but if feels okay now. the rest of my psyche needs a little work.

i often wonder about my brain injury, everyone said i had changed dramatically. moved from hard into soft. i wonder if this has actually made me weaker in love. i never considered it until now, because i'm consciously addressing my own psychology. a science i have really ignored when it came to myself. my neurologist said i would be different and personality change would be part of my healing, they said it's very common but then when i drank the vine i felt i was rebirthed anew. all things really began there. neural networks completed an evolution, an upgrade. i left all the psychology and physiology behind. now it returns, in the realm of physicality. 

light information begins to nurture a fragmentation, the essence of who, what i am is undiminished. the process is working out itself, i am the process. another core truth.

i return to the late doctor who once told me i was my own laboratory. he showed me a lot of lessons in magick although he never used that term. he was a funny guy, he invited me to join his institute and i accepted out of respect but then when he died i dropped out. i still have the book he suggested i read, 'the unconscious mind of the unborn child.'

i am in 8 division sky time again. 


time, that inescapable condition of life had me in its cage for a long time, i watched the tick move to the tock and every moment in between an eternity. desire had me in its grasp, and all i knew to be true was lost to the lie.
ms mission has always known this, incredible woman that she is, she knew it. saw it, understood it and had to deal with it. 
it must have been very hard for her but she has compassion and patience and inner strength. 
so we move towards the empty path, where nothing is promised and we indulge in a joint operation to let go of the recent void between us, the chasm that swallowed everything we are. independently we are powerful, together we are more. 
there is a force that has always kept us apart, a weird energy that we have struggled with as it sabotages us over months and months. 
at the moment it is impossible to say exactly what it's motives are, it has attacked me deeply by operating through ms. missions family and friends, and now it is making itself known upon physical reality. 
paintings fly from walls
crystals fly from pockets and snap into two
lights bend
technology stops working
the blinds above our head is marked by what could be sumerian cuniform or claw marks from an angry demon.
the worst of it is people speak through ms. missions family and friends and have me marked as a danger to her.
she must navigate this her own way, the only way but it has left me feeling very alienated and estranged. 
i've lost expectations, maybe loosing attachments now, maybe next i will acknowledge the truth of my situation.
i have daily practice to attend to.
i have healing to address.

Friday, July 26, 2019

lighter, i'm floating in space again, strange bubbles accompany me as we drift upon currents and slipstreams. there's no where to go, no propulsion or direction, nothing but movement, a slow slow glide towards another. it's calm and peaceful, it's tranquility moon base mission, it's cool jazz vibe again, it's healthy leap forwards for man and kindness. it's time for a soft landing, time for a soft touch, it's time for nurturing and healing, it's time for intimacy and affection, it's time for the people we really are behind the pain, behind the trauma, behind the damage. beautiful people, mighty people, majestic and vibrant and filled with joy and truth and beauty.
emergency manifestation occurs and rescues me with psychology, no chit chat or long winded talk, just the facts.
i'm eternally grateful and somewhat surprised at her effective reading of my situation and how she unlocks all the issues i have around love. it's incredible that an inner child could be the key to me. i didn't know this at all just felt my way along it's the strange path to love. it all makes sense now. i just didn't know intellectually, i operated on feel and energy and patterns were repeating themselves in this bizarre way that triggered me. such a brutal lesson, harsh and sad but i get it now. i guess it's a blessing but filled with a lot of sorrow for me. 
later i see ms mission and hear what she has to say, it's neither good nor bad, it's just more of what she always seems to say but this time i get some cheese and nice tea.
i don't know much anymore, weary and shell shocked i just carry on and begin the inner work. i guess these australian girls always batter their men into submission one way or another, i was lucky, i always escaped but in the end one of them nailed me to the cross, tore open my heart and ate it while i watched. ha! i'm glad it was her and i would never settle for anyone less. 


Wednesday, July 24, 2019

it happened after a beautiful evening together. i figured i would break convention and surprise her late-night as she was quite emotional, i must admit apprehension on my part, i never know these days what the right action is, it always backfires upon me. i did not know how she would take me but she was absolutely brilliant. 
i don't really know how to describe the feeling of being with the person you love and her wrapping herself around you holding tight and just beaming and happy to see you. it makes everything worthwhile, it makes it all good again. 
i always loved the soft approach in love and here it was finally and it went on getting softer all evening and into the night when it took a turn into some excellent affection and intimacy. 
soft words whispered, as usual not much sleep but something that was broken now seemed whole and whatever residual tension disappeared in the early hours as we held each other.
then in one violent swift and unpredicted moment at the break of dawn she informs me she is running away.
and she does, leaving me bewildered and shocked.
i lay there in her home waiting for her to return but sure enough, she has left me there and run away.
i been through a lot with ms mission she's put me through some heavy shit. i push her buttons granted but i never did anything like this. 
i haul myself out from there fast and stunned and hurt wonder what the hell happened. 
this is now insanity!
later she explains she felt close to me, and became scared of that feeling. so she ran away.
sabotage after sabotage. i wonder what i ever did to deserve this? 

Monday, July 22, 2019

the observer at the art gallery, appearances deceive, so i make my way through the exhibition semi-solo. i was kind of expecting this so it's not unfamiliar or surprising but vaguely boring and wasteful. 
i'm bewildered by the picasso's, wow, that guy left a mark but i also am very taken by arther boyds 'the mockers' which leaves a big impression upon me. it's very bosch-like.

later we talk, walls down, defenses down and it's productive, wholesome and real and i guess the truth slips out and my instincts are proved correct. 
we make a groovy night of it, she's amazing, i just drink her in but we push the envelope at badde mannors cafe when we order cake.
later in and out of sleep more conversations and truths and then the final revelation which i kinda suspected and have to finally acknowledge. 
tumultuous emotions, she's tormented, i'm spent. all i have left is some sort of inner peace i want to retain. i feel very much like that sad old king looking down upon chaos. 
i let it all go. a moment of knowing is better than not knowing for months and months.
then polarity girl flips again and i'm back in the mix. but she has confessed something to me which makes her feel lighter and me relieved. i have no idea whether we are moved forwards by this but it does feel better than before despite the anger and resentment she still demonstrates towards me. even she is bewildered by it.
i guess mostly because i interrupted her relationship with superman, but in all honesty, what was i meant to do? 
yeah, get back inside your box mission. that's not going to happen.
love disrupts, otherwise, it would make rom coms crap and poetry boring as batshit, love strikes when you least expect it, it's sending shockwaves and turbulence through families, friends, interested parties but at the end of the day, fuck them all. it concerns two people alone anyone else can fuck off. 
we have been through the eye of the needle, the worst part of it all is now behind us. 
i guess it's all in our hands now. 
mostly hers.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

sensitivity equates to feeling. one can't be sensitive in the mind, it's a complete heart space. i've always figured power came from the mental aspects of magick but this is now proven incorrect and the most powerful magick i know is love magick. it took me by surprise, but it was at its peak when i felt loved and was loving. this generated huge forces until i stopped feeling loved, and then it crashed.
i figured the crash was space for me to have respite, but also operate on a more physical plane which i called 'grace' however during the separation part 'love' seemed to disappear and i diminished.
extreme emotional states are like batteries, therefore the massive feelings of depletion and energy. polarity girl affects these shifts in our feedback loops. and i affect her. the answer has to be in harmony. working with the emotional aspects not anything else and i have been very untethered from any sense of control over my own these past months, in fact they are wild and what happens is i get to a low point and then suddenly find resources to lift me out. thus growing and building a stronger version of myself. resilience i guess but it would be unnecessary if i just felt it.
however, now the magickian is back, a newer version as it's no longer separated from the other aspects.
the other aspect that now needs the work is the most complex for that element requires one thing that i never ever saw coming and it's far to intense a dynamic to fuck with lightly. this needs a lot of consideration. 
the counterpoints now spun full circle and come back to where it began. whatever transformations are occurring it's now started to affect me internally, as the aspects that make me integrate. this is unusual as they are normally best kept separate but whatever changes i am facing the process is now out of my hands, it's happening in theta state. 
the days have been demanding and emotional, i'm weakened and vulnerable but the feeling now is shifting, i see the whole thing differently with a new perspective.
love is strange, it doesn't work the way they promise and ms mission knew this. she's amazing, a remarkable mind. i'm trusting it now, just like she always said. 
she's a strange one, sometimes soft and gentle but these days mostly in her power, her words carry authority but she's honest.
i must confess australian women are very unusual, mostly charged with male energy and often really incompatible with the europian sensibility. they have not quite mastered the art of being feminine and comfortable in that. instead, there is a need to be even more male. if they are not trying to outrace, out-think, out fuck you, they are in competition. however i am beginning to adapt and i think my resources will be nourished in sleep.

when i awake after 10 hours of solid uninterrupted sleep i know what has happened, my processes have taken over and i am indeed integrating, there is one aspect that is now outside of the self the one she is yet to meet.
strangely and surprising even myself that part of me is the one that this effects the most. the one that requires what she can never offer me. perhaps that's why the reluctance.

i'm greeted immediately by magick, it filters through almost everything, the universe reconnects itself to me, i am feeling it now, surfing the energy waves again, but this time i'm totally in control. it's happening through me again but i'm also directing it. a sequence of striking coincidences, and suddenly i understand a part of the equation i really only got a glimpse at. it's the key really and it's very significant. it explains everything and now i know it i'm free. for the first time in 5 months, i am free.  

Friday, July 19, 2019

i'm so sorry for being a prick.
again you are right about everything.
i really do love you ms mission.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

are you a king?
captain mission

yes i am a king without a country, 
a king without a throne, 
a king without a crown
a king who rules alone 

i am the king without a kingdom
and a king without a queen
a king without a parliament
a king who has a dream

i am the king who needs no measure
of worth value and esteem
i will know it all my friend
when i find my queen

i am the king of nothing tangible
the king that rearranged
the king of the dimensions
the king of the strange

i am the king who rules by intention
the king who creates it all 
i am the king of space and time
the king whos free for all 

i am the king of singularity
the king of pops and bubbles
the king who knows the truth of it
and the king who knows nothing.

i am a king that sees the bigger plan
heaven is not above
this king knows the thunderbolt
heaven is found in love.

teardrop explodes treason

well destiny didn't show up, she always stands me up so therefore it became predictable but it was a good night, soft and gentle for a change, the type of night that saved old captain mission as he was beginning to detach completely into death.
ms mission did save the day / night by doing something. switching off her brain a little maybe from that 'fear' and inquisitionary approach to me. 
a moments peace but was it real? 
will it prove constant? 
i have no idea anymore. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

tonight i have a date with destiny. i guess by tomorrow i will know what i need to know and then move onwards to infinity and beyond.

more of it down the wire, accusations, projections and suddenly i realize i'm in the same old relationship that i've always been in. the one where it just goes on and on until i'm bored shitless, depleted and diminished and looking for a distraction. what a fucking nonsensical barrage of bullshit i seem to be up against and something just finally breaks inside me and i understand even acceptance has limits and conditions.
i'm completely wrong. everyone else was right. they all warned me, and thus you became very predictable.
not sure if i stopped caring or if i'm just so bored with the inevitable demands and hoops, the challenges and games, the questions, the lack of understanding, lack of effort, the endless barrage of talking about nonsense, the repetitive loops, the unnecessary shouting, the imposition that i may be a dark energy, a black magickian, a pixie with malevolent intent come to shred her shoes while she sleeps or rearrange the cutlery, the endless comparisons to golden boy with his angel wings and how perfect he is, i dunno but after a while i am just tired from the boxing match when all i wanted was something completely untarnished. this is not getting to know me at all, it's just mindlessness, a type of violence i really don't fucking want around me.
'i'm changing, i'm changing' the mantra goes, on and on like some distorted truth. yeah well you used to actually be beautiful. 
so i am about to delete it all, end it by disappearing from her life totally and the phone rings.
i fess up.
somehow all my anger and frustration just vanishes. 



Saturday, July 13, 2019

feel some strange shift inside me, beaten down, worn out from it all, the love i have may as well be just burning embers in a breeze and what i receive between defensive structures, walls, fortresses, armories, battalions, hatchet-wielding mad women, crazy fucked up angry zombie hordes, tanks, bombs, nukes and various other responses, is a momentary 'feeling' that comes close to what i actually need. it never lasts, it moves swiftly into combative states, it is brutal and hard and difficult to navigate at the moment. 
i've never felt such volatility in love, it's so angry and directed at me with every opportunity, relentlessly onwards it goes. am i really all you say i am? 
is this my fate? 
is this what i deserve as the sum of my life's achievements?
i am now her enemy because i represent something to her yet i am the inverse of her past, i am the reward, the other path. the one where it is all she ever wanted, yet i am tested and repelled, thought upon as a lab rat under observation. all my qualities are examined with critical eyes, reduced to harsh words and incorrect judgments.
we are the results of one another's wish yet all that has happened so far is she rejects me at every opportunity and now i am sucked into seeing how similar and familiar this energy feels to me, thus a loop is created and constricts both off us.
well i may be a loop but i'm making mine a strange loop and it won't operate under these circumstances, i know i'm very damaged now but i must look inwards at my own resources, the ones i can trust. i always work it out. and this is a difficult situation as she is nitroglycerine and filled with fear and some sort of loathing for me.

love won't work here, the defensive stuff is in her brain, her heart is very closed when it comes to me. everyone else she loves. everything else she is devoted to, except me. 
i know the whole situation is on her terms, it has to be for her to feel right, so i guess i accept those conditions but the cost is huge and it's killing me incrementally because it's so damaging and the opposite to healing.
we speak about this and it's like war. i'm actually shell shocked, traumatized. i need healing she says, yeah, actually i need fucking healing from her healing at my expense.
i have to do my healing alone, like a wounded animal i crawl off to lick my wounds but i'm far to beaten down to think straight. so i seek advice from the only friend i have and he's not even in this world now. he confirms what's suspected. then i sleep.
my processes kick in and i see the trap, it's absurd. all that is required is acceptance. 
she needs to accept me.
i don't think she will at all, in fact i predict she will do everything she can not to but it is the truth, she must reach acceptance.  

the anomaly
the deep fix

i see the savage in you
the brutal cycle that pursues
its inelegant defective loops

i received your defensive campaigns
from the moment I made my proclaim
to the point where nothing remains

you demonstrate hate with such skill
but it’s only up against my will
you can’t practice what you preach
because i am the anomaly

i bring out the savage in you
and it never knows what to do
except be what it’s conditioned to
and that makes it a lie not truth.

you demonstrate hate with such skill
but it’s up against my will
your frightened that love reigns supreme
because i am the anomaly.

because i am the anomaly.
because i am the anomaly.
because i am the anomaly.
come to set you free

Friday, July 12, 2019

the deep fix

never thought i would be an afterthought
not even here or there
never thought love was cruel
until she took me there
as an afterthought
such potential lays in waste
as an afterthought 
the damage just accumulates

but you are special she will say
special in a special way
(an afterthought)
you must believe your special she whispers
special in a special way
(an afterthought)

guess we didn't share the same vision after all
she could never choose the man she called
one was super the other strange
and now the judgment has been made
as an afterthought
such potential lays in waste
as an afterthought
the damage just accumulates

but you are special she will say
special in a special way
(an afterthought)
you must believe your special she whispers
special in a special way
(an afterthought)


Saturday, July 06, 2019

anger surges, i feel the need to lash out and do something crazy, destructive, just trash the fucking future as it's bankrupt and devoid of anything i personally ever wanted to invest in. my future stolen by your past, my dream sabotaged by your nightmare, my love corrupted by your fear.
i feel like screaming but i can't afford the luxury of surrendering to this energy. 

Friday, July 05, 2019

it is very hard when someone projects so much upon me it distorts me into something i am not and can never be. i'm the first to say, i am far from perfect but i am fucking close in the realms that count here which is where my disappointment lays. to be thought of in such a way by the person you love is quite strange and unnerving but i understand and have to do what's necessary despite it feeling like more of the same. i have to be true, remain committed and know myself in these waters, i do.
there is a sadness a grieving over what could have been, a lost love but we did it all backwards, the sad bit first and as my friend steve said, 'there's a lot of hurt before you get to the bliss.'
so let's hurt for a while, i guess i have to trust that process as i know it well but to experience it backwards is new.
i don't want to stay in hurt, there's no real need for me to but it's impossible not to feel the time slipping away, the missed opportunity and potential just be discarded as it was, hidden from sight and think that's ok. it's all necessary, our future is to beautiful to let go off now so i always hold tight.