feel some strange shift inside me, beaten down, worn out from it all, the love i have may as well be just burning embers in a breeze and what i receive between defensive structures, walls, fortresses, armories, battalions, hatchet-wielding mad women, crazy fucked up angry zombie hordes, tanks, bombs, nukes and various other responses, is a momentary 'feeling' that comes close to what i actually need. it never lasts, it moves swiftly into combative states, it is brutal and hard and difficult to navigate at the moment. 
i've never felt such volatility in love, it's so angry and directed at me with every opportunity, relentlessly onwards it goes. am i really all you say i am? 
is this my fate? 
is this what i deserve as the sum of my life's achievements?
i am now her enemy because i represent something to her yet i am the inverse of her past, i am the reward, the other path. the one where it is all she ever wanted, yet i am tested and repelled, thought upon as a lab rat under observation. all my qualities are examined with critical eyes, reduced to harsh words and incorrect judgments.
we are the results of one another's wish yet all that has happened so far is she rejects me at every opportunity and now i am sucked into seeing how similar and familiar this energy feels to me, thus a loop is created and constricts both off us.
well i may be a loop but i'm making mine a strange loop and it won't operate under these circumstances, i know i'm very damaged now but i must look inwards at my own resources, the ones i can trust. i always work it out. and this is a difficult situation as she is nitroglycerine and filled with fear and some sort of loathing for me.

love won't work here, the defensive stuff is in her brain, her heart is very closed when it comes to me. everyone else she loves. everything else she is devoted to, except me. 
i know the whole situation is on her terms, it has to be for her to feel right, so i guess i accept those conditions but the cost is huge and it's killing me incrementally because it's so damaging and the opposite to healing.
we speak about this and it's like war. i'm actually shell shocked, traumatized. i need healing she says, yeah, actually i need fucking healing from her healing at my expense.
i have to do my healing alone, like a wounded animal i crawl off to lick my wounds but i'm far to beaten down to think straight. so i seek advice from the only friend i have and he's not even in this world now. he confirms what's suspected. then i sleep.
my processes kick in and i see the trap, it's absurd. all that is required is acceptance. 
she needs to accept me.
i don't think she will at all, in fact i predict she will do everything she can not to but it is the truth, she must reach acceptance.