Thursday, February 28, 2019


Wednesday, February 27, 2019

i must be precise now. at dawn the ocean came for me, it called me into it's fold. 
it took me out there, passed the zones i normally swim in, towards it's bosom.
does an ocean have a bosom? 
yeah it does, close to it's heart. neptune has gifted me waves, beautiful consistent waves, i ride my blue fin back to the shore, it's a long wave broadcast. stronger than gravity, my mind adapts quickly to the new conditions i am in, a strange rearrangement in all my dimensions. even the glamour has accepted i am stronger than it when applied. 
i know there are prisons within prisons, man creates prisons but who is the prisoner?
i like that question.
it's the key to my mission. 
i can't do it without you. 
i acknowledge this and understand it and in many ways i love it. but there are facts i need to face. i may not be the other 10% you need, it may not be what you seek and i need to be very careful i can re establish my world after that knowledge. 
it's an inconceivable idea to me, resistance is futile in our case. i surrendered as soon as i knew. i place trust where i never have before, outside myself. that's dangerous voodoo really but it is what it is. i am what ever i am. you are whatever you are and that's enough.
the ocean whispers, all the waves we send are one wave, it's her.
neptune daughter, is you. piscean queen. 
all plant medicines say, it's her captain mission, we deliver her.
all intelligence within this whole cosmos ordain it is you. 
am i that out of touch with reality?
have i drifted away from all known shores?
is it possible, i am quite deluded?
there is no doubt in my mind i am out of touch with the reality of the glamour. 
i have drifted beyond all known shores, but i was born to drift away from them, that's my destiny.
my free will cannot delude, only conclude. 
thus so, certainty is an uncertainty principle. 
heisenberg nailed it but we have to move beyond quantum realms, we are in 'mission certainty' principles.
here the observer does not influence the event, here the observer is not even part of the experiment because it won't be observed only experienced, there is no unstable state, only the stability we create and the signal we send, i understand the physics we just need to apply them. in 'mission certainty' the particle and the wave are the same thing. a mission particle is a mission wave. measure one and you have the location of the other. it is union, my yoga, magick and science working with the universe, in love, the formula for the new age.
sometimes a mans just a bag of bones, blood, flesh and one central organ that just takes over the mass. it's weird science but not inconceivable that the heart can seize control, over ride all it's counter points, and force it's will upon them. gut's and brain need to listen, tune in.
the most weirdest feeling, quite beautiful, is that these just instantly aligned at that point. that was my knowing. it wasn't a surprise, it was somewhat discombobulating but i guess it just was what it was. 
captain mission is turned on by cosmic forces, driven by impulse power from intuitive engines so finely calibrated they have kept me alive and relatively outside the census zones, following a single path for many lifetimes now. they have taken me where they have, because all of it was a trajectory. i had no idea where it was taking me but because it was all journey not destination, it took me into mysticism and magick very fast and at a young age.
in the glamour i was always a social worker. that was my ego, it still is, driving me towards the idea i make peoples lives better and change them. that was a lie i woke up to a while back. i made an adjustment in my attitude towards work. now, i am very effective, i do change lives and empower people with no power. there's still the ego attachment obviously, i think i am important, i'm respected and liked and admired by some, hated by others, but that's not why i do it. that's not why i do what i do anymore. i'm motivated by the knowledge i have no fear when it comes to the glamours power over me, it only supplies me physiological requirements, money, shelter, nutrition. i don't like the glam because i am an anomaly within it. i provoke it, it provokes me when i let it. i do know at some fundamental level it fears me and that's good. 
in the old days i always thought it was because i looked weird or my colourful background, people gaze at me, the glamour tempts me, the people make weird ideas up about me, conclusions that are completely incorrect. and then i subvert them slowly. oh i wrote long ago about this, how they love you because you may be one of them and then hate you because you are not. the thing people react strongly against is intelligence. there's a big problem in this country with intelligence, it's not valued or respected. if you can kick a ball it's valued more, if you follow the herd it's valued. i am slow to learn but intelligent, on most fronts. 
balanced with humour this is the weapon of mass instruction in the glam when you battle power and control. you can never fear power and control and the glam knows i know this. 
but the brain is tricky, and mine requires allies. my instinctive power in the gut is very finely tuned, it knows before my brain. it's a strange unscientific area, unquantifiable, it's the tiger in my tank. it has guided me through the extreme life and delivered me. 
i trust it more than anything, it's a magnificent design, a fine precision instrument. when i first met you it was working. it was not fully realised but it was very switched on. 
as far as the heart goes. yeah i loved whomever i happened to be with, in an ocean of waves i rode them all but none of them really got me, none of them knew me, none of them delivered me anywhere i was not capable of taking myself, although through one i was given an incredible son and i will always love her for that alone but she is not in my heart. jakob just chose her and i to manifest himself, magnetic forces were at work and we were just vessels. those years were my last temptation, the one i wanted so much to maintain, the family one where everything seemed to stop. no evolution could occur and i would never be here if i had maintained that bliss. 
the heart, my heart is fragile, delicate, it's not mechanical but vastly energetic, built around a vortex of various qualities, that are not expansive any more. i've brought that energy inwards, so i can direct it carefully with intent and the mission. yeah, there are walls, impregnable fortress like temples reside within, gardens of flowers and forests of trees,  oceans, skies, diverse and filled with abundant life they need protection from the glam. and i must protect myself.
the heart has a knowledge, a wisdom, it just knows and i trust it to work, it operates with the guts and the brain, all aligned around you, it was so easy to do because all my forces, all the energies just informed me, this is your destination. 
i had asked the plant medicine many years ago about my completion in this life, she said, i will deliver her to you. 
i had just forgotten, it was like a fairy story, i was asleep for years, my ka replaced me, while i dreamt. 
then i woke up. remembered it all. 
remembering it all.
recall.
that splinter in my head was so significant to me. why had it lodged there. i wanted to remove it for many years and this morning it has gone. there is no need to know anymore, no need to investigate, no requirement to return to that moment because none of that matters, it would be an indulgence on my part. the splinter was there because    it connected me to you. it was there to always connect me to you and it did, in ways you could never know. i wish you could know but even that don't matter. 
i often think of you as beautiful but i'm not referring to that psychical quality, obviously that's present. beauty to me is an innate gift, it's in certain art within certain movements and certain natural phenomena. a raven pulling on the guts of a dead animal can be beautiful my friend tim used to say, and he is correct. but your beauty is limitless, in its action. it is dynamic and profound, it is  the depth of oceans the deepness of space and the myth of time. i have lost myself in there, and i am still drowning, it is the most magnificent death i have ever experienced. who ever would have imagined this experience, not me. i'm dying more and more and it's everything anyone could ever wish for. in love. towards infinity and beyond, 'technicians of earth, your captain is dead, this is your captain speaking.'


Tuesday, February 26, 2019

i did feel as though i had been torn asunder, although i have no real idea what that meant at the time, it felt true. split into thousands of fractions, all my potentiality exploding outwards and then i ran it backwards before the explosion gained momentum, only for the process to repeat over and over until i wrote it and started to breath again. 
containment, or something.
i was not even aware of what was happening until i became aware, my ghosts just kicked in. 
the resolution came quick and seemed satisfactory i guess, on one level but there are many layers to our connection and the wound stayed. it did frighten me to be honest. like nothing else. even in the night time driving home when the huntsman suddenly crawled along the driver's window i remained calm and reasonable, outside fear. so, i am somewhat stunned at the depth it penetrated. what do i do now?
to be honest i don't know, just move onwards, one day at a time and all that jazz. that's the key to everything. it's not my key but it's the only way in. 
that kind of helplessness is very new for me.
my head pictures one outcome, in many visions. it's an outcome to beautiful to entrust with ideas of helplessness. so i write, do my book, play with the waves when they come and try not to shut myself away.
it's impossible to sleep, impossible to do anything, just move along slowly in my incompleteness, breathing bag of old bones one day closer to a final death. i've long said, there is nothing new for me under the sun, and now you are there under the sun, and it's all so new.

the universe is coming at me, it's contained and expansive, inside and out, i'm generating energies even i don't know how to manage. strange energies, vital, volatile and charged. normally my energies are just sensual, creative and friendly but these ones are something beyond. 

on request, i turn on, tune in and drop into the waves. the water smacks my face and surges around my torso, it's warm and there's only one other person anywhere close and she's somewhere in the city of causality which i plan to effect. i don't really know how, she just say's turn it up and this morning it felt right, i felt very energised and able this morning. is every morning going to be like that, i'm probably going to start getting younger if that's the case.
i'm running late, i have things to do at mission control so i speed through them and drive down with the huntsman on my shoulder. almost anyway.
yeah those waves love me, i feel it and it's home as i use my energy centres, i'm not sure what they are doing but spiralling out in vast halos, the yellow one is fucking blazing. they all seem to have different qualities and a way of generating themselves. time fractures into no time, i don't know how long i have been in the water, the sun has moved in the skies, clouds are different, the shadows all changed. my fingertips are bluish and my skin has a purple tinge to it so i move myself out utterly exhausted. i'm a spent force now, need sanctuary, some sort of fortification would be useful so i get a almond drink and sip it as i feel my energy returning. 
i'm struck by a thought, it's a challenging one. i filter it through some processes and it seems pertinent. i can't go there now. maybe later.
the drive back to mission control is serene. all i see is your beautiful heart, how you live in the word, whereas i hide away in my private bubble. i think i'm damaged now, maybe dying slowly, maybe this is the beginning of the end. maybe i just became human again after years of tock tick it's suddenly tick tock. 
we have a little chat on the texty machines, it appears something happened, it was good, you seemed so happy. well that's all i need to know, you are loved everywhere you go, you are loved by all because you are glorious. it don't surprise me one bit. 
i stick martins cd in and it's really good. really perfect mix between the light and dark pastels and it's a beautiful feeling.
angel stone says she wants to take me to the cure. that's lovely, i know she will pull through unlike my dumb cousin who is all talker and no action. hannah honey calls to say she misses me, we chew the fat for a few seconds, 'come see this, come do that,' but the very thought just makes me retreat and i fade away into the dreamscapes of my imagination. 
i pay my rates, i pay some bills, it's a mystery how i manage it all. i just work, play, pay. i feel exhausted from it, years and years in a system that imprisons helpless people, years and years of abusive people and their protectors. years of fighting, battles, blood. and now it's all coming into the light, just like i said it would. time again, the great revealer. everything takes it's own time mission, you just have to know your limits, and time is obviously one.
no! 
i can beat time. i can do it. i will. i'll beat time, detonate the bomb and save the universe from it's inevitable entropy. i'll save everyone even those that choose entrapment. i will crack that code. one day, maybe saturday when i can just hold you tight, see your face look in your eye, then i can just do anything, stop time, raise the dead, reverse suffering and i can sleep that sleep. 
to good, to true
to true, to good
it is good it is true
it's true it's good
it's good it's true
true love
true will
true true 
true good
true go d
oh!



Monday, February 25, 2019

ahhh... 
what is the right action, have i just done something awful? something bad. i have no idea, i'm not in a bad good loop, just in a  strange one. what the hell happened?
one message that just tore me apart. is that possible?
i feel sick inside. breathe mission, breathe.
loose control, loose it, go dark, stay hidden, unknown, unknown, breathing breathing breath. loose it, let go, breathe mission just keep breathing.


i am the universe now. information flows, it shifts and dances around me like a beautiful orchestration of dynamic energy. i see it all spilling it out, pouring in...
...i'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in to stop my mind from wandering. it's getting better all the time, i took a ride i didn't know what i would find there, got to get you into my life, all you need is love but i need more, come together right now she loves you, yeah yeah yeah, here comes the sun on this magickal mystery tour, all my loving because there's something in the way she moves across the universe and you can't buy this type of love so you have to carry that weight until it's getting better all the time. it's all to much, it won't be long now now nowhere man. your not a fool on a hill because tomorrow knows now. oh darling please believe me...

i have visions of you. 

we are strange furry animals, maybe cats or creatures of great agility in the sleep realm, we ran through the grass rolling over one another, entwined and playful, tails wrapped around each other, eyes gleaming brightly, mouths smiling and noses rubbing. i was speaking in a thought form, did you hear what was said, do you listen, do you know, one day you will understand it all, see the picture, put that brain down, stop unlocking, decoding and living in the great lie. 
the truth is 'liberation' that's why it sets free. maya is an obscene thing perpetuating confusion and illusion, nothing is real in there, even love itself becomes distorted. if we walk in, it really should be together, we walk out it really should be together. there is no threes for me, i am not interested in power of numbers, personal power or power over anything, my power is what it is, i need to regulate it so that it don't kill me in there, i don't wish to be disintegrated by a feedback loop i generated into the glam. the glamour will just fight us apart, it will destroy high magick and turn it low, it will kill all endeavors for the spirit to be free. it's a massive weapon of bad vibrations corrupted intention designed to feel and be experienced as good ones. ask a policeman, they will tell you more lies. ask a sage they will show you where truth lays. one is a lie the other the truth. ask a dr. strange-loop and he will show you the spoon in the road. 
so in maya i get my stuff done, i waste no time, i don't fritter resources pretending it's okay, i resent it, i don't have fun in the glam, i play with it and suck out it's intelligence by looking for grace in between the eyes of it's angels and demons, the lenses of perception, the burning eyes of lost souls and damaged goods. i get my love from the broken, the lonely, the sad and the weird, the abandoned, they all eventually love me, even when they come to kill me. i don't do well with love, i react when 'zombies' say they love me, it's awkward. i don't need that love, especially as it's from the glamour. my people are way outside the glamour, magickal people always are, truth always is. my love comes from her, the vine, from magick as it radiates as light from me into things and the universe itself loves me in totality as it is me now and i am it. the universe is made up of real intelligence, the glamour is made up of false lies. it is the deceiver and generator of great distortions, it is the idol factory, it the place that kills the spirit, drains the mind and enslaves women and men to false beauty. think i am wrong? 
tiny children are born into the glam and the longer they spend inside it the more the magick is sucked out from them, adulthood becomes enslavement. the zombie apocalypse is here upon us, don't even waste time attempting to stop the tide, aim for the head, they are already dead! 
my buddha nature tells me, life is suffering because consciousness is dead or at such a low level it's on life support. all around me i see emergency, the bleep bleep bleep of survival. fear vibration is manifest from the glam. the world is a stage, all are actors, playing roles, we know our lines and parts, we know where we exit and how to get that dramatic moment but you and i are the creators, we write them. 
the only way to change anything is through union as a creative force in unity, art will do the rest. the plan is small. it's very small, not grand, not in yer face, it flies under the radar, it requires very little, it's a perfect plan, in intent and action. 
all we need to do is do. 
and i know you do. 
i know it's confusing as you oscillate between these polarities. sometimes painful, sometimes to good to be true. i understand all of it, all sides, all perceptions but only truth will deliver us and there is only one truth when it comes to the glam. 
why am i writing this, because i know the truth, i not only know it i have to live with it. it's not the easy path, it's not the good life, it's the real one.   
OM GAM GANAPATAYE NAMAHA

Sunday, February 24, 2019

'reincarnation is sexy,' she whispered as i lay there thinking about the surf. i could feel the sun light on my skin, the soft sensation of it's light upon my black bones. i must have been in some altered heightened state, post isolation tank psychosis as it was unfortunately termed by the medical model. 
for us it was a well known as pre death hyper perception pdhp. for short term psychonauts the effect could last weeks and months but for old vets the effects wore of after a few hours thus just an abstract indulgence. 
in this instance all sensory perception heightened to a saturation point. colours exploded as my vision scanned the beach, there was so much vital energy in the air i could drink it down by bone breathing. 
i was alive and well in theory as my head phones played 'the flaming lips' loudly, 'ego tripping at the gates of hell.' 
my sunglasses quenched the overspill saturation and the joint i had smoked kept my body numbed from to much tactile information, i just wanted to experience the full pleasure of her fingertips upon my skin, that smell of her, the way she looked at me and the way her hair just fell down into my face like the most beautiful sight i'd ever seen, behind her the moon seemed to fill the sky, a halo she wore radiating out into my sun. 
i was super relaxed and enjoying the ancient cause and effect nullification, a divinity point, but those words just echoed inside me like a butterfly trapped in a tibetan bowl. my voice was gentle, slightly fractured but softer and words just frictionlessly escaped,
'that's possibly the healthiest attitude to have about living i have ever heard.'
'it's about dying my love.'
she smiled but discretely hoping i wouldn't notice, being coy perhaps. i don't know, my extra perception has limits. hard to read, easy to read, a paradox indeed. she held the demons of the flesh in her hands.
i take it from her 'not just yet.'
she accepts this so gracefully, i'm hardly there now, slipping away into soft time, the atoms of the self all floating away under a spinning fan.
so i think about the words, yes it is probably correct to assume it is sexy. the universe is sexy and erotic. the whole planet runs upon the principle of life, it's the prime directive to adopt a sensual philosophy to death as well. 
forget the mystical aspects of it, just imagine the physics. energy cannot be destroyed only it's state changed. that's sexy without the spiritual element. all dna on planet earth no matter where it is from gets recycled, which is why it's probably better to be eaten by a tiger than crushed in a car accident. either way on a physical level once the soul has left the cells are broken down, the atoms reduced to dust and absorbed into the earth. after all we are a walking bag of nutrients, at least the tiger uses us whereas the car abuses us.
yeah the sexy impulse is back in my old bones.
'i miss you baby'
'i miss you to,' i whispered.
she's smiling, that coy look that mona lisa one, all enigmatic and sensual. her audrey heburn eyes glimpse right down deep into the new me. i offer her my neck, she pulls out the curved blade from it's sheath, beautifully crafted, it's ivory handle and delicate jewel encrusted inlay. cold touch, hot skin as a bead of sweat drips downwards, no tears or anticipation.no fear just that love we have. the love that spans infinity and beyond.
her lips are moving in towards mine very slowly, i want it badly but would wait eternity for it to arrive. that confliction i used to carry vaporized, gone baby gone, it's all perfect clarity now. 
'reincarnation is sexy,' her lips speak to mine and i say, 
'you are the most beautiful light i have ever seen.'



the fool. 
some say the life you have before your last one is that of a dog, a dog is a profoundly wise animal and master of unconditional love. i miss my dog pan so much. i feel like a massive part of my being has been missing now for over a year. pan was always at my foot, his happy smiling loving friendship was the best. a mans best friend. loyal, honest, simple and true. i think part of me died when he did, i remember wrapped around him at the vets bawling my eyes out with the most intense emotional conflicting i have ever had, i looked so deeply into his eyes as he died, i'm not sure if he took a part of me with him. pan saved me from myself. he was my soul.
a fool needs a dog, i need to change everything. move from the fool to a new energy, plug myself in to whatever is next. possibilities. i can't stay stuck in a moment, have to generate some velocity now. everything really is speeding up. i was not fast tracked but i am woken up again after 8 months of dormancy. i have to leave behind the fool now. take on the new dynamic energy, reclaim the old one and ride it again. not the magickian, not the tower, not the hanged man or even death, this is cosmic evolution, it has to be....  
oh hi, mmm, i slept long and deep, from the time you slipped into those sexy shoes and pink number to now, woke up once with frank sinatra singing 'fly me to the moon' just before midnight. back into sleep the dream wrapped itself around me. sometimes i was with you, i felt it deeply but fleetingly, mostly, i think you must have been in your own lovely space. 
wind and rain bash the roof, the windows rattle a bit and it's still dark with nowhere to go yet. i flick through the messages, speak with jake in paris, speak with my cousin in canada, speak with my dad in london, speak with the spirits of my ancestors floating around me, do my morning meditations, and then work on manifesto a little before the drive ahead to work. 
it's very good to know i'm working with my friend from nepal today not the other one whom is some sort of legal person, the difference in energy is so tangible, one depletes  the other nourishes although i'm an adaptor and mutate myself to fit the legal element, i also occasionally act as agent provocateur and do mischief in his construct. however it's a high risk atmosphere as he's so litigious and as a character, 'nasty' but also dim witted and clumsy. plus he has asked me as a referee in his application to the bar association. now that's an irony. 


   

Saturday, February 23, 2019

oh ha, let my hair down for a couple of days with val and olga in the city, oh ah, we ate so much excellent food it really is a heightened culinary experience, those guys know food and how to use it. i guess i eat with them more than anyone else so we have mastered what we require from an eating experience. although i can't possibly keep up, even my ice cream obsession has limits whereas those two are extremists in food play.
we did a hell of a lot of walking, all along brighton le sands and newtown, walked here there and everywhere in out of various pockets of activity. the wind played havoc along the beach and as usual i seem to provoke all sorts of strange events by observation alone. 
i read a little, val plays some cool jazz bass and olga is doing some work, it's very chilled when it needs to be and late at night we do the cookie thing, an amazing process where i learn from the master himself. it's also hilariously funny and we are all in hysterics. 
i recall many years ago val told me a joke which almost killed me. it's true, i laughed so hard i thought i was going to die. we all did, and that joke spawned a trend upon the cultural conditions in the world which we named as the rise of the goat.
this week a similar story was told but we all knew afterwards the goat was now on the descendant and the camel would pop into the cultural framework in a matter of weeks. 
it is very true that val, olga and myself brought about this fissure in the glamour, it lasted several years and now a new one begins. look out for the camel, yeah seriously... 
i'm in the most fabulous Italian restaurant, the waitress is extraordinary  she's wrapped us all around her fingers and i just ask her to bring me something with no meat. she's so passionate about the meals i just figure she will know what to do. i end up with the best pizza ever, ricotta and mushroom which goes down well with a glass of good red. sensational, val eats a very rich gnocchi and i must admit even though i had a spoonful only, it was the best gnocchi i've ever had. oh yeah, that restaurant is on my list. mama rosy's king street people, for the beautiful people.
all the deities awoke this morning, they stretched out and did some yoga, positioning themselves straegecly waiting for bad news from nowwhere, krishna says to me, 'they are already dead.'
jesus mutters, 'it was my last temptation, and i have regrets.'
buddha says, 'life is suffering mission, declare your moksha.'
black odin and his crows whisper 'we are prepared for war.'
while eros and aphrodite give me a hug and remind me, 'make love not war.'
lord vishnu stretches out and dreams harder.
kali slays me, severing my head and holding it in her hand as blood spills out and she raises it higher in victory, 'just another ego mission, how many left?'
'i needed that one.'
brahma and his four heads all turn and laugh in unison, 'ha,ha, ha, ha!'
captain mission gets the joke, it's funny enough but he's a fool not an idiot, 'and what does your fifth head have to say about that?'
brahma stops laughing. 
yeah i got you all figured out, 

OM SHRI RAM JAI RAM JAI JAI RAM 

i don't know where i am, in unexpected territory, with an unexpected friend, he's telling me, 'your like a father to me. i have nothing but respect for you. soon you will achieve moksha.'
i have to look, harder into the picture, is this real, the thin veil between things is so narrow, one side leaks into the other. 
'liberation, moksha is liberation.' i say, thanking aldus huxley for the insight, fuck! all that late night struggling with huxley paid off.
'yes mission, it's liberation.'
where did that come from, i've known this guy for years and he never speaks like this to me, usually he just watches tv and cooks spicy food. we usually talk about distant travels and exotic locations we have been but never this stuff. and then he starts telling me about the gita and the battlefield, one of my favourite scenes but he tells me about the missing piece, the bit i don't know. 




out in the glamour all is reflective, a strange shimmering new reality where you and i are played out in symbolic theatre and absurd conditions where the actors do not know their roles and yet speak their lines. 

in newtown 25 years ago i had some sunglasses made by a small boutique optometrist  my special rose clouded ones which i still have to this day. they are round lenses with a wonderful rose coloured tint that became like a drug whenever i wore them. the very same place still exists.
feeling somewhat optimistic and with a few hours to kill i retraced my steps in time and walked in.
a very elegant lady, slim, about 55 years old stood facing me, she looked a lot like you may be in decade or so and i thought she looked quite beautiful, elegant, stature, dignity and powerful and i stood in front of her as she smiled and then hugged me so tightly i could only hug her back. out of the blue!
the whole glamour loved me and all i saw was you in it, every action was some sort of weird refraction of us played out in conformation and synchronistic messages, some so blatant that i was overcome with the need to return home and write it out.
my instincts inform me as does my research this is an aetheric effect we have created, a current exists within the glamour. it the universe, it is intelligent and it is real. it's our potential playing out for us, and indicating the need to be considered in our omnipotence. 
so consider this. 
it's all my responsibility, i created it all and you knew nothing about any of this. you were happy, in your relationship with the man you love, as it should be. me, i just was to fast to soon, i just saw the whole of the moon.
i don't need to do anything, i don't need to liberate anyone outside of my heart, my mission is my mission, yours is to build an empire and be happy, free and independant. 
i was never really 'happy' anyway so it's much easier for me to withdraw, let you do your thing, hold back the influence and stop our current in the glamour until you are really free of whatever keeps you tethered to it. 
but you say 'no.'
there's a conflicting purpose, a conflicting will. 
is fighting for you the same as fighting for you? 
is letting go a form of fighting? 
i always let it go, why fight anything, it's just more tension and suffering, more friction in a world filled with corrupted energies and thermodynamics. my influences have always shown me this is a superior method of strategy in all things including love, sadly especially love. i never wanted to cage you, that was exactly what i 'never' wanted, only freedom was the goal, liberation is everything to me, and all i have really done is begin a process that complicates your status quo, puts the other man in a state of anxiety, jeopardises your family, business and status within the glamour. i think. 
i don't inhabit that world, for me it holds little influence. i don't need to walk in it much, it pays my mortgage but has no other real significance. when i enter it, mostly i am aware, in control of it, understand it to be false and filled with lies, it does not cause me fear and it knows this. i can't be a man of true will, true love and feed the glamour. i used magick outside of it, that penetrated deep, bringing us together through the cosmos but it was not me, it was directed by forces beyond me. i am made of stars not sawdust, for me there is only this path not the alternative, for me there is only you. you want information from me, i'm an open source book. it's all here.
i'm beyond information, i have been beyond love. i have been way beyond truth, i am the equation for the new aeon, and all i want is union to create beauty with you.
but nothing is promised, only the unknown. but what happens when you actually know the unknown. is that knowledge an entrapment or does it set you free?
the glamour is a clever illusion, mmm yum yum, that tastes so good, it feeds my body, it nourishes my desires, it consolidates my truth and i walk in it with integrity, yet it's all a lie. 
there is your truth, this is my truth and then there's THE TRUTH which we experience as we navigate our lives played out in one anothers lives these last few days.
polarities exist because duality reality requires them, spirit don't it's no longer a place that is of interest to me, yin yang, up down, in out, to me they are all the same, they require one another to make them defined. i like the undefined possibility and probability waves they make as potential. in you i see not only my twin, my mirror my love, i see completion. when i wander the matrix and see you, it's not a duality i see, it's totality. i see you in everything, it's not duality speaking. we hacked the glamour, not through anything else but the forces of union, destiny and a fate that was mapped out by the stars. that's not your faith. it's not my fate. it's ours.
i have no choice but to honour these energies for this is what i am. 
this is true.
this is it.
it's to good to be real right? so why settle for less. i am not and never will.
leap of faith or get to know me, one way or the other, all that's passes is time itself. tock tick. 
circumstances and their consequences have us pretty much in check, mate. it's your move - as my queen. just let me know where i am heading and when you need a high priest, a knight, a temple or a king but i am not a pawn.

   



Thursday, February 21, 2019

i know so little, nothing really, just an empty head and mind floating in space imagining love. am i in love? hell yeah, i have been for many many years but never with a woman. okay, so natalie portman  had me in her thrall for a while but she didn't exactly return my calls. i was in love with the universe, part of my path, in love with nature and the stars, in love with art and beauty. in love with my own place in the universe. and then i cast a spell that was totally committed to love. 
dont ask me what happened? 
you did. 
it's a strange event, magick just pushed me so far out i couldn't see the surface or the sides, out of my box, out of my tree, out out out of my mind. and then there was you.
ayahuscia always said, i will bring you ms mission, and i believed her. she whispered that to me all the time, all the time. i'd completely forgotten   
i just gave up looking, even thinking about it, the universe had other plans i figured, so i surrendered even to that basic impulse to seek a mate, to pursue sex, to put myself out in the field despite the concerns of friends, family and work colleagues. 'why is mission alone?'
that's what people said, some even confronted me. many made wild assumptions and spectacularly incorrect judgements but why would i want second best, why would i compromise on this part of my life when i never compromise on others. my faith and belief in myself and the universe always gets me through. i don't seek power, fame, fortune or anything, but i did seek ms mission. that was all i wanted. 
why?
because a sun needs a moon, my attachment is not a desire, it's not a romantic gesture of anything other than a fulfilment of the nexus of energies that have flowed through my life guiding, preparing and educating me. my guides are powerful energies with powerful engines, and they all come to one single point. you.
i am in a weak position, but yet i feel very strong.
i am a secret yet i feel this appropriate for i do not seek attention or adulation. that was never the prize.
i am in a holding pattern of sorts, a sort of self imposed entrapment yet i am entirely free to do what ever i wish and deal with the millions of possibilities that eventuate, but i only choose one.
i have been in this situation twice, it ended badly for all, but while i only suffered loss it lead me to freedom, and now you. the facts are nothing is promised. 
i can only believe in the meaning i am given, i can only do my best and wait for deliverance. it's a series of letting go off each moment as they pass me. 
do i have a soul?
yes i feel it's longing. it's so vast and there are tendrils that reach all the way to mosman and wrap themselves around you. do i have hope? nope.
hope is expectation so i guess i just am left sitting at this bus stop with faith, and faith looks pretty good today in her hat and yellow umbrella, daisy gum boots, her hair all blowing in the breeze. yep faith and me, pretty good company, ooh look here comes harmony.


solace cake

the ingredients are:

intention 
light
magick
the plant medicine
one strange particle 
one quark
some extra charm
lot's of laughter
the creative spirit
one random thing close at hand
our two hearts beating together
birdsong
simplicity
love
and
devotion



the frosting is:

music 
candlelight

create a space, fill it with intention powered by love. play some music as a soundtrack, preferably something sacred.
mix in the magick and plant medicine together in equal measures and stir gently until whirlpools of space time begin to change state. add the quark, strangeness and charm while laughing loudly, and let the creative spirit flow through the mix.
when it's light and fluffy add the random while the birds sing outside.
i'll light some candles, fill the kettle, make some tea and feed you love and devotion and that will set me free.






Wednesday, February 20, 2019

the space clears itself now, things shift around like that bit in fantasia where mickey does the housework, cleaning up, clearing, objects find their way to where they need to be i just direct when i need to, my bins are over flowing with the past. i can't predict catastrophic failure but it's unlikely and banished as a possibility, the god i travel with is favourable towards us so double blessings!
the birds all come one after another, i feed them treats and they are happy, i see two big brown ones dancing like lovers, hopping around, singing to one another and i just see freedom and beauty everywhere. the dragon and i play a game of 'rolling the grape' i roll it towards him and he has to catch it before it stops or it runs passed him, he's very good, eye on the prize. he loves those grapes, takes them whole in his mouth, chews em down fast.
i book my leave with work, march is free. i'll spend a few weeks from the 4th overseas seeking out my suit and meditation, then on return have some time out and then return to work at the end of march.
i have to rearrange my appointments with people during that period, there's a few things coming up in the calendar people have arranged for me, and i need to work out how i can format it all into some sequence i can manage. 
my birthday approaches, i'll be deep in monastic life during that period if all things go to plan, the stars align and allow me to gain my meditation.  galactosiesmology is in my favour and my wave is approaching.
my novel 'manifesto' is pumping along, had a few new insights into the whole underlying narrative, which is fabulous. 'book of he dead' needs an editor now, and 'rites of passage' is waiting for revisions. i suddenly realised i am working on them in reverse sequence but i guess that's not surprising. i have even developed a new idea, from an old one, i hope we can write this for theatre.





somewhere in this blog are records of my association with the high priestess. those days long gone and our adventures faded into the distant parts of my memory but those were important days, events pivotal in my life. it was so sad... our parting. the first glitch we ever encountered in all that time was over a girl who asked me to take her to the zoo, but the high priestess misunderstood the intention, i was never interested in her at all, just happy to visit the zoo and check the animals out, she was just a companion. however it played out badly, it does happen between people and i think we rectified the situation. then there was miss cupcake. 
after that session at the ecologist hq she challenged me, put me in a very defensive position and i panicked.  
i really feel responsible, my fucking defensive shield just totally took us all out. the friendship ended suddenly and i never saw her again. fucking cupcake, what was that tie to you anyway, some weird karmic contract i burnt up years ago. why on earth would i defend you, protect you, fight for your honour when you had none.
i lost the high priestess, and all the time she was correct. 
i'd never met a more smarter, spiritually switched on woman who walked the walk, carried her traumas well and was completely authentic, we made big plans but they came to nothing after our explosive ending. i remember exploring mushrooms with her, those downloads were super fast, raw intelligence and emotional healing. then there was the vine, oh ceremony led to my salvation. remember 'black magick' high priestess, that 'old black magick.'
the high priestess saw something in me, she knew before i did. she even opened ceremony when 'the deep fix' played with her crystal singing bowl and cool introductions.
she lived an interesting life, really got close to knowing me but ms cupcake imploded and tore us apart. 
now i look back. i was on the wrong side and all she was was doing was helping me to see the truth. it was always awkward with cupcake, no one knew what to do or say but then no one knew she was with a child. i was not really there for cupcake but to offer her child safe passage. it just became to complex, and miss cupcake followed a certain trajectory of self destruction that would take me out with her. her vengeance was the drug squad raiding my house. yeah obviously i managed to confront the officers with some hard truths and they left me alone. 
anyways intentions line the road to hell and hell was the high priestess and i parting ways. we had a mission and we were on track. i loved her partner as well, a really cool druid who eventually sold out to the glamour. it gets everyone in the end, everyone seems to fall to it sooner or later, chasing their dreams, selling their souls. 

magick, the plant medicine and me, we are perfect team, so i continued my own mission alone, one single person at a time, from, and in love. i collected a few people along the way, some powers and tricks but in the end just stopped using the stuff, until one final spell that brought you.
so when i get a text this morning from the high priestess it's strange, a sort of circle has completed. she's no longer a high priestess but a farmer. i tell her i'm still married to the vine and how it never left me after all those years. she's still off the grid so wants to speak encrypted so i download some new thingy, and we make a date to speak late tonight. 

everything makes sense now, every random, bizarre, terrible, meaningless, chaotic, magnificent experience i have ever had leads straight to you. 
the ayahuscia always said she would introduce me to ms mission all those years ago.  
the magick led to you in a 'shocking' way, i was stunned when i contemplated that you were the spell, but then who the hell else could it have been, we gravitated around one another for a long time, weaving in and out, a strange dance of displaced time, not quite love, most defiantly affection on my part and curiosity  but i was so boundary respectful, curse my english manners and noble romantic disposition, why can't i be 'bad and dangerous' when i need to be? 
i guess it was not quite anything but an introduction into a 15 year separation where we had stuff to do. i really could have done without my stuff in all honesty, but it is what it is, and we are where we are.

you- i am stuck in that fixed point where you drove all that way to see me, after what feels like a lovely day with you we spoke late until 3am and i asked you 'that' question only to get the strangest answer i think i have ever heard. was that strategy? impulse or just deflection? that 'point' was some sort of pivotal point, for me anyway. it has always sat there like a splinter in my mind since the moment it happened, only now i know why.  
the universe led to you because i asked it to act as an agent, i don't know anything about going to bars, clubs, parties anymore, that whole thing bores me to tears, i don't wanna talk about shoes, hear about the new reality tv show, chit chat about some drama when there's the galaxy to play with. i often wonder about the bimbo's, trophy wives and eye candy people seem to chase after and i run from. maybe people think i'm gay because they settle for something less, i dunno. i don't really care as i rather be alone than in an entrapment with the wrong person.
maybe it's the other way around. maybe the ayahuscia brought me to you, maybe the magick brought me to you, maybe the universe delivered me right to your beautiful nose, i doubt it as you have your spell cast already and answered. curses! 
i can't say either way as it all just happens through me, (i surrendered a long time ago to those forces) but i do know it's the three most powerful energies i trust that have any influence upon my whole life and they all converge to us in union like some sort of cosmic yoga. then there's all the other stuff, coincidences, chance synchronistic events, the dissolution of the self. i was expecting it but never with this intensity and so fast, all my boundaries dropped like stone, now that in itself is insane considering..... 
an arranged marriage by collective cosmic intelligence, that's what it is to me. destiny.

hello destiny my old friend  i've come to surf with you again, thank you for sending me, such a brilliant mind, an artist, a witch, the moon, a creator, a gloriously oceanic aura of pulsating sensual female perfection. i know i'm enchanted but not in an enchantment where i will wake up and see everything for what it is. i banished the glamour and live in truth and free will many years ago, so this is real to me, much more than real, it's true.  
i have no idea what she does out there, and it's good i don't know, i like it like that, just like she only has a glimpse about my work, it's not that important we know these things but i guess in the next few months we will discover a little more about one another. a new phase as it's important she gets to know me as something else. i don't quite know what else there is, i'm constantly surprised by what emerges. i guess it's only fair to open myself up completely, although a better way to get me is to read this blog. 

maybe you will be able to tell me what i am, who i am, maybe she will know me better than i know myself. maybe i can just be a clown and throw custard pies at politicians  lawyers and real estate agents, paint the visionscapes in my head, write the words that pour out from my mind in millions of stories and plays and tales, make tea, surf and sit in silence together drinking it all in, healing our people, knowing and glowing like those cool old people do, in solace, our silent fellowship. i guess a few dates would be okay, i've never really done that dating thing, not for a long long time. the only one i recall was in los angeles years ago when i lived there. that seemed to go very well. maybe there's some others i can't recall but if 'west hollywood' is my dating imprint the whole thing will be gloriously fabulous. i'm good on a date i recall, witty, curious and charming, although i better brush up on my drooling and dribbling problem, and wear something else than an old church tee shirt. luckily i have a selection of classy outfits somewhere gathering dust. yes, a date suddenly seems to be a fantastic idea. 



Tuesday, February 19, 2019

my mission still continues, i guess i have to go it alone until divine time kicks in and we can unite but as always everything changes fast and around me i'm getting pleas of help from people in my own tiny circle.
it's not a difficult mission, but it came up out of the blue, 'feed my soul?' and i am un-bound by love to answer. 
the others will have to wait, as this one gets priority.
my plans for the day are suspended. 
although i have to go to the doctors and post office.
as for you, i am with you always. our alchemy cannot be undone, it only becomes deeper with every moment. i love you ms mission, love you in thought, action and deed. the book you gave me, it is begun. this moment and the ones that follow are my path to you. 

  

Monday, February 18, 2019



         i love the universe

the blog has split in two. in one you will read yesterdays post until eternity but for those interested in linear explorations and the 'result' stay tuned on this particular station while i recharge the battery, it's feeling very depleted.
about 3pm yesterday i sat myself down and experienced something peculiar, a moment of vulnerability, a sense of fear. loneliness. 
it was overwhelmingly intense, a rip in the fabrics of my own chaos sphere where the alien energy infiltrated and stuck my wings together with cheap glue, then they tied my hands up and nailed them to the floor. 

the glamour had me. 

a long past memory entrapped me and i found it very difficult to think my way out from the terrible consequences of this new situation being the third of it's kind i was involved in. it did pass fast, like a slow bullet penetrating my head, and exiting out from behind, bits of bone, blood and brains splattering pro hart like on a virgin white wall. 
i reached for my phone to tell ms. mission i love her very much.(in perfect 8 division sky place, she got there first.) 
'she knows.'
later in a lunar time slip she speaks through it all for me, elaborating on details and circumstances, things i didn't really want to know about but suddenly i need to know because it's just information that will help me through the 3pm moments when they return. 
my brain, heart, gut mechanism is a mighty strange holographic singularity, it's floating in space alone , looking for signs of life, a home, a place where it all makes sense and now i have it, i don't have it. i'm feeling loss for something i never had, it's a future time line that haunts me. yearning maybe.
  
leaps of faith - the matrix is a mighty thing, a fabulous creation, a spell i call the glamour. it has us all spell bound and enchanted with it's lure, everyone of us love it or elements of it. and then, plant medicine and magick show you the truth and the glamour is revealed to be a weak spell of deception and lies we all consign ourselves to by consent. i never gave my consent, i was not of free will until i was actually free. 
the glamour offers sex, money, faux power, pleasure, treasure and wish fulfilment but it's a massive entrapment because it demands a piece of you that is irreplaceable. it demands your magick in its  feedback loop of parasitic perpetual energy, yeah magick happens in there but it's not really magick is it, its just more glamour.
magick is the cosmic alignment of love = imagination over (free)will.
but i'm so far out i can't see anything but clever deceptions when i perceive into it's field... what's that story about the devil's biggest trick?
'convincing everyone he didn't exist.' 
i do not believe in the devil at all, just the adversary within duality. 
i do believe 'god, spirit and grace' are the only things that exist inside and outside the glamour and have no dual aspects at all. they have no polarity, therefore are the Truth.
sometimes acts of faith which incorporate these qualities reset the whole glamour in a field around those whom make them, it's acknowledgement of a sorts, i guess, an action towards the unknown with the hope of not falling into gravity that pulls but gravity that lifts, is the equivalent of absolute trust and faith in higher purpose. it's surrender!
now the faith bit is easy, it's the leaping that is ambiguous.
outcomes based upon small or big leaps cannot be measured, it's quantum areas where the observer effects the results, all i know is a well placed leap of faith can change the world, and it can be a tiny leap. a huge leap of faith may just change the background and not the inhabitants of the glamour at all. it's improbability physics. a navigational technique would come in handy but my brain is weary and ego leaps up for what it desires most of all irrespective of the circumstance. that fucking thing is going to take me out, unless you keep it in check ms mission. it's designed to sabotage. and we cannot do that. i will work harder on destroying this impulse. it cannot win. 

so, i'm managing risk mitigation, working out the way to keep your risk low but yield high. but i'm highly mutated, delirium like big leaps of faith is where i dance, sing and beat the drum. a writer needs a bank of ego's to inhabit his characters.
but that's my perception and experience only. 
your's comes from a place of great love and soul as you revealed to me the depth of the interconnection you are currently within. 
yes, it's quite a situation, a 3pm moment. and now i have to acknowledge my own new mind blowing truth, the salvation machine left one fine thread off attachment: 
i want you. is that forbidden? i'm confused by it. 
i need you for my mission. 
she has chosen. 
magick has chosen.
the universe has chosen. 
i have had to choose because this is what i have been given, a blessing from all. and here we are.
it's bat shit crazy baby!  

in dreams begin responsibilities, and all my life has been a dream about being responsible and taking responsibility. meeting my responsibilities, and being a man. why should a woman have to be different? 
a woman must be responsible as well. 
and you are a mighty fine woman ms mission, the best, so much better than i deserve, so much better than anyone i have ever met, a mind, with heart and soul that is luminescent and illuminates my own.
non attachment is the way, no expectation is the key that locks the door and there can be no significance so put that pistachio  chocolate in your mouth, suck it down slow and just enjoy it for what it is. a chocolate. a gift from someone who loves you.
what i must deal with now is 'no significance' which is my challenge in this situation.
how do i manage that?
it's all so significant to me, you!
like trying to stop the tide, how can i ever not attach significance to you. 
i will ask the plant medicine this week for aid, i must go deeper. intuition says, i must now live in the present but that creates endless possibilities and i only seek one. i always only ever wanted one.


  

Sunday, February 17, 2019

ms mission knows everything, she is no stranger to me, with deep insight that verges on the improbable and soul yoga she perceives truth and radiates true love's light, you lucky people will fall in love with her as soon as you experience her. i did and i'm a very slow learner in love. she's millions of times more impressive than me, she's an artist sent from the future to save humanity, not a terminator but a liberator. she's the architect of everything from now, imhotep alright, it's no wonder i love her, she's ms mission and she's my captain.


Saturday, February 16, 2019

birth of a new star, birth of a mew moon. birth of the non local entanglement where the radius meets the circumference and the square root leads to us. unity union united is the aim of yoga, millions of people attempt it in fields, rooms, halls and clubs, stretching this way and that, but yoga is of the mind and union is the ultimate goal of any mind once it's stretched so far, limber and flexible, made of light.
i am the day stretching towards the night, i am the night stretching towards the day, i following a star that shines so brightly one could say it's supernova. 
i set my compass to that point of light, every morning, every night, every moment and in between, my beautiful heart beats for you, my mind shines for you and my aim is true. 


Friday, February 15, 2019

time creates endless possibilities and from where i am there is only one. i look out at the endless pathways along time and space, it's like a foam, it looks like foam and each bubble is a individuals possibility, connected to other bubbles that determine outcomes and events which in turn connect to others, each bubble is a universe we all control by choices, each bubble is in an ocean of foam where all possibilities exist for that one person making a choice, and sometimes (often) these choices are interconnected with other peoples choices, therefore the next dimensional layer intersects and creates a new clump of foam with all the new possibilities. it's always growing and gaining in size. 
it's so random at first but with my illuminated eye i can see pathways and the way through them, i see it clearly. it's all about true will and free choice, i can see the equation coming. 

but i avert my gaze, for i do not really have the permission to do this nor the inclination. it has to be... serendipitous. the space must be clear.
i have to surrender to it all despite the fact i am where i am, so what else is there to do here. i can see so many ideas and creations, it's overwhelming. i guess i will just dive in and let it take me somewhere, where ever it takes me. a new place, new face, body and oh, maybe i'll wear a new ego for a while, i'm going to need one out there in the world of man and i'm feeling the sweet jazz of these crazy bohemian nights where my dreams explode into the night in all directions, and the visions are waves of bright and brilliant things. nothing is promised right. so live free and be true to who you are.
who am i.
i'm a man on a mission. 
liberteria.   
but i need a new suit. 
and i have to pick up a meditation that's waiting for me.



Thursday, February 14, 2019

this is place i am in, i understand it now. it's the clear space. the clear space. we all strive for i guess. it's so clear it's boring, it's so clear it's illuminating.  

so abstract is the path it's clearly a conversation with the heart of the universe, only i can understand it because to anyone else it's pure madness. i get that bit, i've always been a bit mad, i just get saner the further i go in, that's the risk you take, i'm blessed and loved by all energies i encounter, even the darkest have set me free because i have the voodoo love vibe. 
dumbfounded by truth sometimes. truth is a coconut landing on my head. 
cut through lies.
saw through maya.
lifted the veil.
took a bullet for love until it just becomes another way to set me free.
made a beautiful creation.
ate mushrooms and cactus
married a sexy south american vine 
ran away from the circus to join a magic theater
transmission, intermission, transmission
hacked the cosmos
from the sub atomic structures to the grand bodies in heaven. and then i just wrote my reports in my self imposed exile.
asked for a blessing from the universe and then i saw you.
and i saw me
and it was god
now i'm even further out of it all. 
new dimensions in, love = imagination over will.
and most people choose the taste of the meat on the end of their fork! 
i'm not that cat.
i'm the guy that may not be the 'one, two or three.' i'm the guy that is not even a number.

so here i am in a clear space, clear clear i'm going clear, it's very clear to me this is the 9th dimension. no wonder it's all white. and this god dude is with me so that's interesting, although he could manifest us up a good night out so i can let my hair down a bit. i don't wanna ask, you gotta be careful what you ask for round this place apparently.