sometimes a mans just a bag of bones, blood, flesh and one central organ that just takes over the mass. it's weird science but not inconceivable that the heart can seize control, over ride all it's counter points, and force it's will upon them. gut's and brain need to listen, tune in.
the most weirdest feeling, quite beautiful, is that these just instantly aligned at that point. that was my knowing. it wasn't a surprise, it was somewhat discombobulating but i guess it just was what it was. 
captain mission is turned on by cosmic forces, driven by impulse power from intuitive engines so finely calibrated they have kept me alive and relatively outside the census zones, following a single path for many lifetimes now. they have taken me where they have, because all of it was a trajectory. i had no idea where it was taking me but because it was all journey not destination, it took me into mysticism and magick very fast and at a young age.
in the glamour i was always a social worker. that was my ego, it still is, driving me towards the idea i make peoples lives better and change them. that was a lie i woke up to a while back. i made an adjustment in my attitude towards work. now, i am very effective, i do change lives and empower people with no power. there's still the ego attachment obviously, i think i am important, i'm respected and liked and admired by some, hated by others, but that's not why i do it. that's not why i do what i do anymore. i'm motivated by the knowledge i have no fear when it comes to the glamours power over me, it only supplies me physiological requirements, money, shelter, nutrition. i don't like the glam because i am an anomaly within it. i provoke it, it provokes me when i let it. i do know at some fundamental level it fears me and that's good. 
in the old days i always thought it was because i looked weird or my colourful background, people gaze at me, the glamour tempts me, the people make weird ideas up about me, conclusions that are completely incorrect. and then i subvert them slowly. oh i wrote long ago about this, how they love you because you may be one of them and then hate you because you are not. the thing people react strongly against is intelligence. there's a big problem in this country with intelligence, it's not valued or respected. if you can kick a ball it's valued more, if you follow the herd it's valued. i am slow to learn but intelligent, on most fronts. 
balanced with humour this is the weapon of mass instruction in the glam when you battle power and control. you can never fear power and control and the glam knows i know this. 
but the brain is tricky, and mine requires allies. my instinctive power in the gut is very finely tuned, it knows before my brain. it's a strange unscientific area, unquantifiable, it's the tiger in my tank. it has guided me through the extreme life and delivered me. 
i trust it more than anything, it's a magnificent design, a fine precision instrument. when i first met you it was working. it was not fully realised but it was very switched on. 
as far as the heart goes. yeah i loved whomever i happened to be with, in an ocean of waves i rode them all but none of them really got me, none of them knew me, none of them delivered me anywhere i was not capable of taking myself, although through one i was given an incredible son and i will always love her for that alone but she is not in my heart. jakob just chose her and i to manifest himself, magnetic forces were at work and we were just vessels. those years were my last temptation, the one i wanted so much to maintain, the family one where everything seemed to stop. no evolution could occur and i would never be here if i had maintained that bliss. 
the heart, my heart is fragile, delicate, it's not mechanical but vastly energetic, built around a vortex of various qualities, that are not expansive any more. i've brought that energy inwards, so i can direct it carefully with intent and the mission. yeah, there are walls, impregnable fortress like temples reside within, gardens of flowers and forests of trees,  oceans, skies, diverse and filled with abundant life they need protection from the glam. and i must protect myself.
the heart has a knowledge, a wisdom, it just knows and i trust it to work, it operates with the guts and the brain, all aligned around you, it was so easy to do because all my forces, all the energies just informed me, this is your destination. 
i had asked the plant medicine many years ago about my completion in this life, she said, i will deliver her to you. 
i had just forgotten, it was like a fairy story, i was asleep for years, my ka replaced me, while i dreamt. 
then i woke up. remembered it all. 
remembering it all.
recall.
that splinter in my head was so significant to me. why had it lodged there. i wanted to remove it for many years and this morning it has gone. there is no need to know anymore, no need to investigate, no requirement to return to that moment because none of that matters, it would be an indulgence on my part. the splinter was there because    it connected me to you. it was there to always connect me to you and it did, in ways you could never know. i wish you could know but even that don't matter. 
i often think of you as beautiful but i'm not referring to that psychical quality, obviously that's present. beauty to me is an innate gift, it's in certain art within certain movements and certain natural phenomena. a raven pulling on the guts of a dead animal can be beautiful my friend tim used to say, and he is correct. but your beauty is limitless, in its action. it is dynamic and profound, it is  the depth of oceans the deepness of space and the myth of time. i have lost myself in there, and i am still drowning, it is the most magnificent death i have ever experienced. who ever would have imagined this experience, not me. i'm dying more and more and it's everything anyone could ever wish for. in love. towards infinity and beyond, 'technicians of earth, your captain is dead, this is your captain speaking.'