the blog has split in two. in one you will read yesterdays post until eternity but for those interested in linear explorations and the 'result' stay tuned on this particular station while i recharge the battery, it's feeling very depleted.
about 3pm yesterday i sat myself down and experienced something peculiar, a moment of vulnerability, a sense of fear. loneliness. 
it was overwhelmingly intense, a rip in the fabrics of my own chaos sphere where the alien energy infiltrated and stuck my wings together with cheap glue, then they tied my hands up and nailed them to the floor. 

the glamour had me. 

a long past memory entrapped me and i found it very difficult to think my way out from the terrible consequences of this new situation being the third of it's kind i was involved in. it did pass fast, like a slow bullet penetrating my head, and exiting out from behind, bits of bone, blood and brains splattering pro hart like on a virgin white wall. 
i reached for my phone to tell ms. mission i love her very much.(in perfect 8 division sky place, she got there first.) 
'she knows.'
later in a lunar time slip she speaks through it all for me, elaborating on details and circumstances, things i didn't really want to know about but suddenly i need to know because it's just information that will help me through the 3pm moments when they return. 
my brain, heart, gut mechanism is a mighty strange holographic singularity, it's floating in space alone , looking for signs of life, a home, a place where it all makes sense and now i have it, i don't have it. i'm feeling loss for something i never had, it's a future time line that haunts me. yearning maybe.
  
leaps of faith - the matrix is a mighty thing, a fabulous creation, a spell i call the glamour. it has us all spell bound and enchanted with it's lure, everyone of us love it or elements of it. and then, plant medicine and magick show you the truth and the glamour is revealed to be a weak spell of deception and lies we all consign ourselves to by consent. i never gave my consent, i was not of free will until i was actually free. 
the glamour offers sex, money, faux power, pleasure, treasure and wish fulfilment but it's a massive entrapment because it demands a piece of you that is irreplaceable. it demands your magick in its  feedback loop of parasitic perpetual energy, yeah magick happens in there but it's not really magick is it, its just more glamour.
magick is the cosmic alignment of love = imagination over (free)will.
but i'm so far out i can't see anything but clever deceptions when i perceive into it's field... what's that story about the devil's biggest trick?
'convincing everyone he didn't exist.' 
i do not believe in the devil at all, just the adversary within duality. 
i do believe 'god, spirit and grace' are the only things that exist inside and outside the glamour and have no dual aspects at all. they have no polarity, therefore are the Truth.
sometimes acts of faith which incorporate these qualities reset the whole glamour in a field around those whom make them, it's acknowledgement of a sorts, i guess, an action towards the unknown with the hope of not falling into gravity that pulls but gravity that lifts, is the equivalent of absolute trust and faith in higher purpose. it's surrender!
now the faith bit is easy, it's the leaping that is ambiguous.
outcomes based upon small or big leaps cannot be measured, it's quantum areas where the observer effects the results, all i know is a well placed leap of faith can change the world, and it can be a tiny leap. a huge leap of faith may just change the background and not the inhabitants of the glamour at all. it's improbability physics. a navigational technique would come in handy but my brain is weary and ego leaps up for what it desires most of all irrespective of the circumstance. that fucking thing is going to take me out, unless you keep it in check ms mission. it's designed to sabotage. and we cannot do that. i will work harder on destroying this impulse. it cannot win. 

so, i'm managing risk mitigation, working out the way to keep your risk low but yield high. but i'm highly mutated, delirium like big leaps of faith is where i dance, sing and beat the drum. a writer needs a bank of ego's to inhabit his characters.
but that's my perception and experience only. 
your's comes from a place of great love and soul as you revealed to me the depth of the interconnection you are currently within. 
yes, it's quite a situation, a 3pm moment. and now i have to acknowledge my own new mind blowing truth, the salvation machine left one fine thread off attachment: 
i want you. is that forbidden? i'm confused by it. 
i need you for my mission. 
she has chosen. 
magick has chosen.
the universe has chosen. 
i have had to choose because this is what i have been given, a blessing from all. and here we are.
it's bat shit crazy baby!  

in dreams begin responsibilities, and all my life has been a dream about being responsible and taking responsibility. meeting my responsibilities, and being a man. why should a woman have to be different? 
a woman must be responsible as well. 
and you are a mighty fine woman ms mission, the best, so much better than i deserve, so much better than anyone i have ever met, a mind, with heart and soul that is luminescent and illuminates my own.
non attachment is the way, no expectation is the key that locks the door and there can be no significance so put that pistachio  chocolate in your mouth, suck it down slow and just enjoy it for what it is. a chocolate. a gift from someone who loves you.
what i must deal with now is 'no significance' which is my challenge in this situation.
how do i manage that?
it's all so significant to me, you!
like trying to stop the tide, how can i ever not attach significance to you. 
i will ask the plant medicine this week for aid, i must go deeper. intuition says, i must now live in the present but that creates endless possibilities and i only seek one. i always only ever wanted one.