Tuesday, February 26, 2019

i did feel as though i had been torn asunder, although i have no real idea what that meant at the time, it felt true. split into thousands of fractions, all my potentiality exploding outwards and then i ran it backwards before the explosion gained momentum, only for the process to repeat over and over until i wrote it and started to breath again. 
containment, or something.
i was not even aware of what was happening until i became aware, my ghosts just kicked in. 
the resolution came quick and seemed satisfactory i guess, on one level but there are many layers to our connection and the wound stayed. it did frighten me to be honest. like nothing else. even in the night time driving home when the huntsman suddenly crawled along the driver's window i remained calm and reasonable, outside fear. so, i am somewhat stunned at the depth it penetrated. what do i do now?
to be honest i don't know, just move onwards, one day at a time and all that jazz. that's the key to everything. it's not my key but it's the only way in. 
that kind of helplessness is very new for me.
my head pictures one outcome, in many visions. it's an outcome to beautiful to entrust with ideas of helplessness. so i write, do my book, play with the waves when they come and try not to shut myself away.
it's impossible to sleep, impossible to do anything, just move along slowly in my incompleteness, breathing bag of old bones one day closer to a final death. i've long said, there is nothing new for me under the sun, and now you are there under the sun, and it's all so new.

the universe is coming at me, it's contained and expansive, inside and out, i'm generating energies even i don't know how to manage. strange energies, vital, volatile and charged. normally my energies are just sensual, creative and friendly but these ones are something beyond. 

on request, i turn on, tune in and drop into the waves. the water smacks my face and surges around my torso, it's warm and there's only one other person anywhere close and she's somewhere in the city of causality which i plan to effect. i don't really know how, she just say's turn it up and this morning it felt right, i felt very energised and able this morning. is every morning going to be like that, i'm probably going to start getting younger if that's the case.
i'm running late, i have things to do at mission control so i speed through them and drive down with the huntsman on my shoulder. almost anyway.
yeah those waves love me, i feel it and it's home as i use my energy centres, i'm not sure what they are doing but spiralling out in vast halos, the yellow one is fucking blazing. they all seem to have different qualities and a way of generating themselves. time fractures into no time, i don't know how long i have been in the water, the sun has moved in the skies, clouds are different, the shadows all changed. my fingertips are bluish and my skin has a purple tinge to it so i move myself out utterly exhausted. i'm a spent force now, need sanctuary, some sort of fortification would be useful so i get a almond drink and sip it as i feel my energy returning. 
i'm struck by a thought, it's a challenging one. i filter it through some processes and it seems pertinent. i can't go there now. maybe later.
the drive back to mission control is serene. all i see is your beautiful heart, how you live in the word, whereas i hide away in my private bubble. i think i'm damaged now, maybe dying slowly, maybe this is the beginning of the end. maybe i just became human again after years of tock tick it's suddenly tick tock. 
we have a little chat on the texty machines, it appears something happened, it was good, you seemed so happy. well that's all i need to know, you are loved everywhere you go, you are loved by all because you are glorious. it don't surprise me one bit. 
i stick martins cd in and it's really good. really perfect mix between the light and dark pastels and it's a beautiful feeling.
angel stone says she wants to take me to the cure. that's lovely, i know she will pull through unlike my dumb cousin who is all talker and no action. hannah honey calls to say she misses me, we chew the fat for a few seconds, 'come see this, come do that,' but the very thought just makes me retreat and i fade away into the dreamscapes of my imagination. 
i pay my rates, i pay some bills, it's a mystery how i manage it all. i just work, play, pay. i feel exhausted from it, years and years in a system that imprisons helpless people, years and years of abusive people and their protectors. years of fighting, battles, blood. and now it's all coming into the light, just like i said it would. time again, the great revealer. everything takes it's own time mission, you just have to know your limits, and time is obviously one.
i can beat time. i can do it. i will. i'll beat time, detonate the bomb and save the universe from it's inevitable entropy. i'll save everyone even those that choose entrapment. i will crack that code. one day, maybe saturday when i can just hold you tight, see your face look in your eye, then i can just do anything, stop time, raise the dead, reverse suffering and i can sleep that sleep. 

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