Friday, June 28, 2019

i'm back from overseas, very sick with pneumonia which has smashed me completely. was it worth it i wonder in the deep stretch of my illness. for the first time doubt hits me and in my feverish state i see the new truth. all i have been met with day after day is a defensive mechanism that will lure me in and then repel me, an uncertainty principle that had beaten me to a pulp with it's consistent polarity. 
i begin to feel anger resentment and disappointment and wonder if i should really give it all up and find  another. 
when i wrote the spell i had no one specific in mind, i just wrote it as i would any spell, no agenda in my alphabet, i used the brokerage service available to me. my prayer was answered, it's rude to send things back so i kept my faith but now, today i feel different. 
obviously this has been a long time coming and ironically in my state i feel remarkably strong, after all i am the one who made the effort in this experience. it's mine to withdraw, mine to chose. who could blame me, i gave it everything, and the payback was sabotage and indifference. i let it go, i let it all go and suffered my punishments alone, why should i imagine i would ever have her as a friend when all i have experienced is a form of hate. 
when morning arrives i get a message about her dream. it's significant but it makes me think about our strange connection and how much i really know it to be something true. it makes me breath better she seems to feel the same way, despite all her actions. 
logic determines the fact, if you repeat the same action and expect a different result it defines a form of madness. so i ponder my abdication with great seriousness and contemplation. i want a better return, a quality i feel and experience. love is conditional. it has to be or else it's just a fickle fleeting dalliance with no real meaning or significance, anyone can just love anyone, love reduced to commodity  i love you becomes 'would you like fries with that.'
i can't pour my energy into something that offers me zero, that's not even a feedback loop.
but she is my wife through alchemical processes, ayahuscia delivered us, the universe has intervened despite her refusal to acknowledge it, despite all her defensive strategies, despite the sabotage and the influence of people around her i remain. loyal to a fault. it's my weakness.
i wake up looking and listening for a fat lady singing but only see tee shirts which words that confirm the truth.
hong kong is weird, i'm still laid out like a dead man in a morgue, however i do take one amazing trip up a mountain called the peak where i notice a spectacular graveyard on the steep overgrown edge. ancient graves of pirates, over run with bush, it's a sub tropical gothic resting place with a view. i feel at peace here, amongst the dead pirates. 
the peak is really quite worthwhile and wander around like a tourist at the top, enjoying my time travel back to the pre structural days of the island. i would have sailed these shores, smuggled opium, fought the chinese and the british, stateless as we searched for our own libeteria, my crew of beatniks, philosophers and poets, artist and mystics, we were nocturnal, under the moon, our movements were night, obscured and silent from the sight of man. we sailed for the goddess, we sailed for freedom and truth and liberation.
the next few days i sleep, in and out i drift, dreams where i am in love as i see it unfolding, dreams of romance and hot flesh and whispers of passionate words, far removed from the reality of now. 
back in sydney i feel empty again, alone, and i wonder if i have made a mistake returning. there really seems like nothing here for me now. an emptiness.
it's good to be back, i didn't really have a good trip, all i did was sleep and fight illness. i still cough, splutter and have a heavy heart. what a pointless exercise. i am without hope, dante wrote, 'abandon all hope ye whom enter here' for this is hell, but for me its become purgatory. i'm a long way from where i need to be, subjected to test conditions and the insane influence of others.
we speak on the phone, yet more obstacles, more hurdles, more attacks, all completely unconscious and i can feel myself slipping away. was it ever meant to be this hard. do i deserve this? 
it's difficult for me not to question everything again. why would i put myself through such drama and hardship. i do believe, but i'm not insane enough to continue being treated with such fucking indifference.
then i get a phone call from my cousin who seems to think i should move to denver with him.
it seems to be a great idea, a place i always loved despite the winters. colorado, a smart state, new opportunity, a new life, an escape from this farce i have found myself trapped in.
my prayers are always answered, i ponder this.
god gives and sends us what we want, it happens to me all the time. it would be rude to return these blessings.
i feel like i have been rejected, yet i'm very aware of my worth, maybe not to her but to someone who values me. whom loves me. 
she divides everything into light and darkness, i am dark whereas he was light. this confused me so much, a duality that was false as all duality is, yet it continues on and on, i am a dark energy, no one can save her from me she is warned by those that love her.
maybe i should just become the darkness, fuck people and their judgements and agendas, i bet not one of those people who call me dark have had anywhere as much experience in the human condition as i have, i bet not one of those people have chosen to widen and broaden their understanding of humanity by experiencing it. yes, i could have chosen not to work with children that have been tortured and abused, and worked in a flower shop ignorant and happy but i'm not the ignorant type, and i'm not a man who thinks being happy is the answer to life. the answer lies in evolution, and in order to evolve i must know what i am evolving from. i don't chose ignorance, i don't chose bliss, i choose life. 
i recall once being at a party and some girl asking me what i do.
'i work with sexually abused children,' i said.
later i was told by some friends i shouldn't tell people what i was doing as it was a party and not the correct place to speak of such things.
fuck that. 
is that me being a dark energy?
truth is not fucking light. it's everything that is not a lie. that's why psychedelics open the fucking mind, so we can see it all. light and darkness.
people who call me dark need to look at their own darkness, disguised as light. it's just a mask until you remove it and walk into human suffering without wearing a mask you can't fucking tell me i'm a dark energy. 
light, darkness, to me they are the same as red and green, all colours on a spectrum. i'm all those colours and beyond because i have vast experience and knowledge. i don't fucking live in a cacoon surrounded by self affirming groups of people who all reenforce one anothers reality. i chose diversity so i am challenged and can expand. i choose a wide human experience so i have grown and yeah, it's brutal and disturbing but that's just a small fraction of me. yet that's the fraction that everyone seems to have focused upon without even meeting me, knowing me or anything about me. lightworkers, these people may call themselves lightworkers but perhaps what they really are is just frightened and scared. i don't judge them for staying safe in their cocoons but who are they really serving. i bet not one of them ever volunteered their time on a suicide prevention hotline. much safer to just send a quick donation or a moment of empathy.   
fuck them. i don't care to be judged or labeled, sentenced to some sort of unimaginative polarity where things are just light or dark. when those people have a wider range of experience, when they have seen what a sadist does to a child or treated a battered wife's bruises then maybe i would take them seriously. 
i chose my career because i was good at what i did, i wanted service to the vulnerable, i excelled in it because i wanted to heal mankind one person at a time. each job became progressively more challenging and complex until i reached my limit. that's not darkness, that's experience. 
the opposite word is innocence. i'm on a spectrum between those points not light and darkness. if you want someone permanently stuck in childhood, that's not going to be me. i'd really like to be there sometimes, and i envy those that are, but i don't remain in that state for long, i get there when i get there and it passes when it passes. the rest of me moves so the fact is i'm not fucking dark or light, i don't want to be either of those things at all. i'm not limited to lightworking, you can inform your people, i'm much more than they can even imagine. so please tell them to stop fucking calling me a dark energy because all that does is show me what they are.
i've seen how people manipulate, it's so fucking frightening and requires far more intelligence than i have. that's the brain not the heart. it's all a game i don't play. i have zero interest in these types of games and drama. i was completely honest with you about my intention and then subjected to crucifixion by the horde of people you call lightworkers. i tolerated their words and influence because they meant something to you. but now i say fuck them. i'm not playing their game at all. i'm way beyond that.
i have moved through the evolution of this relationship slowly, it's hurt me deeply, wounded me and i feel battered but no more will i give myself to it as i have done. it is time now for me to experience something different other than indifference, platitudes and dishonour.
am i worthy you asked me when you were feeling powerful and mighty in your ego state. i was worthy then and it never meant anything to you. i'm worthy still, what does it mean to you now?


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