Thursday, June 06, 2019

not much sleep at all but old mission did love his late night chat with ms mission, sigh....
i pottered around watched the dawn rise over the water, sparkle in the fragments of light through water, crashing surf and meditations upon the heart which to be honest get me nowhere. i am what i am.
i am not what i am not. which leaves me so that's who i am now. 
so i drop the xv off at the garage and lo and behold they offer to drive me home and pick me up, yahoo seriously, that's saved some time in which i must make preparations. i search through some drawers and find a complete new set of clothing i never knew i had, lots of japanese influenced attire, some exotic sarongs from my travels some other stuff i might take with me. 
part of me puts things in the case, it's the part that is running on auto pilot, the rest just is filled with unrequited desire, longing and wishing. that part makes me feel very vulnerable and isolated. i should not even disclose that part because it's ripe for exploitation and sabotage. that part just has such a heavy heart at the moment, filled with some sort of weird sadness and guilt. it's new to me, a new feeling and it makes me sadder than extra visionary blue.
then there's all this helplessness about ms. mission feelings of 'familiararity' and her fear. it's ironic to say the least but i'm an irony guy. 
it would be nice to just be seen with fresh eyes, as a individual unique being and a fresh page on which to build a perception but i guess we all have our histories and they often control us more in the present than we can deal with.
well the day is young still, laundry, cleaning, packing, preparation. it's all speeding up around me, does time run out for me? can i escape it? no. i think november will be the date of my liberation or sentence but i can push forwards through time, age and decay will have to play their role now, i will suffer for 6 months but no longer than i have to. i guess this is the consequence for me. a sacrifice.
who would have ever thought such a thing could happen to me yet i guess jesus always said, love is sacrifice and he knew a bit about love. i'll just do what he did seeing as though he's popping up everywhere these days.

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