well well well, there's a surprise, a turn up for the books, just when i thunk it impossible. just at the 12th hour as the clock that ticks and tocks finally come towards its final tock.
i'm sleeping in my deep state, at peace. i have let go of it all. and at 0230 it's hardly surprising as there's nothing but the promise of REM sleep and the some delta programming on channel zzz...

i am awoken to bright white light pouring in through the windows, aliens i think. spectral forms move past the perimeter, i see humanoid shapes and whisperings. then a loud banging at my door. i search for my telephone, it's switched off and lays by my bed. i notice a stream of missed calls and texts from ms mission. i respond and she says, 'has the ambulance arrived?'
at the door stand two concerned medics, 'i'm okay,' i whisper and they leave quickly disappearing into the strange smoke-filled night as though called to an emergency in the physical realms.
where am i? i wonder.
ms mission arrives soon after. 
she presents herself as concerned about me and although i am jaded and somewhat exhausted offers me commitment.
have i already moved through her?
did we have our moment and did it pass or is this a trap?
is this bit real?
is this another test for me?
some sort of clever manipulation, some sort of weird set up.'
i am so damaged from the last year i don't know what to think and words pour out from my fragile head that i don't understand.
time seems to skip and i end up down the beach with her looking at a blazing red ball of sun, it's quite spectacular as it comes up over the water and creates a pathway straight to us.
i don't know, is this bliss now?
am i in ignorance?
it feels so good. is this the fork on the end of the steak. did the glamour infiltrate me completely utterly and am i selling my soul to it in female form.
we say a long goodbye, a tantric event occurs but it's a cycle, and we both feel it, overwhelming sensuality, a deep profound love. i have to heal from whatever damage i have sustained, this is me time now, it's a matter of survival. 
the hit i have taken is terminal, i was to dumb to see i have been bleeding out for the last 8-9 months.
bleeding out!
that's what has been happening.