Wednesday, May 08, 2019

finally i complete 'manifesto' it's not perfect or finished but the general story is done. will need an edit and an editor and possibly some changes, i dunno. loose ends to tidy up.
anyways i gotta focus on 'rites' which is getting there.
i called in on a local friend, she is a bit dangerous to be around but after a few drinks i sort of began to get comfortable, had a good chat and a laugh can't recall the next bits although i woke up with a sore head. how did i get home, mysteries?
i do a few chores around the house and ask a  friend to help clean up my kitchen, yay! she's spending the day with me tomorrow and going to completely rearrange everything so there's more space and everything will have a place. it's not that i can't do it myself i just have no motivation to do such a banal thing while i am writing however i feel imminent baking energy coming on.
yesterday i made an amazing banana cake, possibly the best one yet, those weird chaps at work devoured it up with such gusto and enthusiasm i feel like making more for them. 

i'm fluctuating between motivational force to write and deep sadness, can't seem to shake the disappointment in me old bones but hell, i love that woman and i know that's true for me despite all her questioning and doubts, all those weird accusations and cynicism. did i ever stand a chance i wonder. i guess you're dealing with a complex mechanism there old mission. it is, but i understand it and why it's there, i love it but it's totally pointless when used against me. i see it for what it is and it's not the woman i love. it's not the woman i know. it's borne from a past where she holds anger.  
there's the thing, i was so certain it was known. it was clarity for me all the way, i had a confidence in that like i have never ever had before and yet there was no real space for me in her life. she says her life is perfect now and i just turned up at the wrong time. i didn't know. i had no idea, i just fell out the sky myself, it's not like i have a mechanism for arriving on time re: falling in love, it just happens when it happens although i could be totally wrong. i never lived in time so that's new as well. i'm glad her life is perfect in a way, she does deserve it, a perfect life. 
well i must move onwards into the unknown now. 
it's all unknown it's something like being shoved off balance. i don't know anything really except things are far from perfect now. maybe i just need to get out and loose myself in some new environment, i certainly feel that pull but all i can do for the moment is keep writing. 
back to manifesto, lots of small glitches and narrative points that require fixing, plus there's a plot line i don't quite think works so i need some help. help?

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