Wednesday, May 22, 2019

dawn as the sun rises across the water with spectacular grandeur, the elements are dancing around me, hydrogen, oxygen my faves are entwined into my dna like the waves i watch. and then like a chariot crash a strange contrast overwhelms me, an inexplicable panic, ominous doom. my connection is so strong, so powerful it derails the moment and crushes my chest. there terror of it overwhelms and i'm caught between possible actions. 
i'm processing like it's life or death, like it's our survival.
right action mission right action, if i drive i will be a risk but the need is so powerful i couldn't care about the consequence. then there's the strangest feeling within my chest, the force that implodes within, what the hell is this?
a certain panic, a certain anti logic a massive anxiety bursts through the surface and pours through the world sweeping me in its torrential tide.
what is this?
an insignificance that crushes me, a feeling of inadequacy as everything is squeezed through the eye of the needle.
if i drove i would be a maniac, speeding straight to the source, it would be the wrong action, intrusive and uninvited. it would be wrong. yet it feels so right, so important as through my whole prime directive is set in this template. is that normal, natural or just insanity, i have no map for this only the feeling. i can only trust the feeling.
i take myself to the doctors, what is happening, chest pains, anxiety, a force i can't control or understand, is it physical, it feels that way. they offer me an appointment for this afternoon. 
that seems a long way away.
contact helps, i guess, i don't know, it's distant and abstract most of the time, whereas i need a total experience, yet it helps alleviate the symptoms. 
what is this?

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