Thursday, May 02, 2019

i'm sorry for my anger, i really am, it's not really anything i'm familiar with. it just came from the situations nexus and my own disappointment. 
i thought i had found my home. i invested my emotional core in that place. i really did. i thought i had finally found what i was looking for. home. 
all my perceptions were incorrect i guess, i just fell into the whole void thinking it was all going to be something else. 
i'm still reeling from the whole thing. i feel ugly about myself and don't know how to shake it other than wiping myself out of the whole  picture. i lost pretty much everything i believed in but at the back of my mind i feel i should just keep going onwards, write another spell and make it much more accurate and specific. i don't have to use the universe as a broker, i can just do it on my own. 
alternatively i can just go hang out with the zen girls and see what happens there. i should live in the moment as she said. take the joy and laughter option and indulge myself in things that make me happy. it all feels wrong but maybe i just have to do something wrong to make it right.
i'm so fucked up about it i can't even think. all my values are challenged, changing and inverting. there is something awakened now, it's deep in my bones and being born again. it's stronger than i was in love, a powerful surging need for pleasure instead of this emotional pain.
when i think about it lust is better than love. it's more honest, you don't have to use your brain and think about it, it's far less painful, it's base and real. love is just confusion, hurt and pain, no real growth at all there for me really, just steps backwards into something infantile if there is growth i don't understand what it is. just a pattern that repeats itself over and over until it's boredom numbs. 
oh well it's a new day i guess, gotta make some plans in the next few days, i think my walkabout. ho hum!

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