we share one single sunrise, or reveal, as it popped through the thick cloud mass and the rays bathed below as above. that means so much to me, i am grateful you gave me that one moment. i'll never forget that with you although it wasn't as romantic as i hoped it was something real, just like our day.
one spectacular friday into saturday. they will all be like this in our future for it is written but maybe your timeline will shift as it does most of the time, sliding doors you call it, whereas i see all doors and choose one. that's my hearts will in action. it has it's knowing but it's a one way street i guess. unrequited love, the strangest of them all. however i was in love with a lesbian once or twice, she was amazingly unreachable yet we became very good friends and travelled together. but you, you, you i could never see or speak with, not in this lifetime for it would be far to much than i could bare. i'm not like him, he would return as a friend. i am far more than a friend. he's better than me. i know you made a good choice, a better choice than me. it's fine now, i have detached myself and escaped the time trap, escaped that terrible feeling of separation. it hurts, it's bearable though. i am stronger than i thought but only for you to be happy and free. and surprisingly him, i like him.
here is what i saw, it's probably safe for me to share it seeing as its so unlikely now.
in my timeline i meet you at a place in italy where the water is blue azure and the sky dances with fractal light and your eyes finally see yourself as i have seen you and you know who i am. it is the magickal moment the universe ordained. from that point it's a commitment we renew twice daily as we choose. it is as it should be, it frees us from the lie and keeps us both in truth. this is what i saw in my vision but could never really share fully. reunion was perfect, sacred, as it should be. as it was meant to be. it's why i clung on to it for so long.
it's all supposed to be unsaid, unknown and uncharted except that a master magickian who somehow managed to see through time space and the maya of it all found himself within the signal and tuned in. lucky me.
you ask where magick went?
(is that expectation for more? attachment to it?)
it does not go, it has it's own intelligence, it's not asleep or dormant. it just knows how to work for us, sometimes overtly sometimes subtly. magick works for a reason, it has a divine purpose. do you ever ponder the divinity at work with us? i do, i have meditated upon it for months, it is very obvious and something i must attempt to remain true to even if i never see you again.
as i said i began the mystic path and ended in the magick, that's the best place to start as ego needs to be understood before magick can effectively work for you, ego requires obliteration and restructure, as i have experienced many times. it's a tricky part of the psyche. often the universe helps me in this lesson, it has power of effectiveness, smashing me into a thousand pieces. now i have a relationship with it, therefore i meet it halfway, knowing when to surrender, when to commit, when to take action, we have a feedback loop that has existed for years and you and i became part of it. i've surrendered my ambition, power and lusts, complications and drama, my ego is capable of being reassembled when necessary for evolution. i have no need for these distractions. my ascension is inevitable. i have not sought distractions for a while so i do keep it simple.
the only single aspect of life that made any sense now is to share it with someone, you! and we build from there. from love will come fame, money, power and from love it will be used wisely.
you are a mass of seething contradictions, a paradox. what you want today you don't tomorrow, you say surrender to it but you control it defy gravity is just defiance, you get direct communication from the universe, confirmation but you always require more like an addiction. you get bricks and coconuts thrown at you but reject them all for you cannot know what you want until you let it all go and understand you can choose somethings but not others. destiny chooses you. just like it chose me. no matter how far you go, i will always be there within you and the universe will never let you forget. me, i am the same, therefore i choose to act now. if that is a mistake i take responsibility for it. i am very sorry for the way it has played out, it was imperfection and yet perfect so it was true for me. all of it was true for me. all of it was real.
what's real you ask all the time?
there are layers upon layers of reality, it's all about perception and vibration. a low vibration perceives a more solid tangible reality, the higher the vibration the less dense the reality. love is the same, there are many types of love. i fathom ours was a level even i cannot comprehend fully, and yet i wanted to dive in naked and loose myself in it and did. and it was true for me for the first time. a universe seeing itself. that's creation baby. that's the fundamental purpose of existence. the feminine exists in all life, and the masculine can only know itself through union of love. all creation is a dance to unite, to find love. ours seemed to echo throughout all universes.
and now i am about to take everything into my own hands, not because i have to but because i choose to, becuase i want to do the best action i can to free you from it all.
i will destroy myself completely, and i will rise from it something else. how strange the abyss is at this time in the calendar, a snake sheds its skin, an old personna dies a new one born again, a resurrection. no attachment to you, no expectation to you. if this is what i have to do, then i must burn in the invisible flames of the abyss, carry the cross i created and free myself from an entrapment i chose. i embrace the pain. i must forgive, heal and love again. i will find my new will. i must surrender to the darkness and let it consume whatever light i have, and extinguish the star that was captain mission. i am on my knees, i'm the dust in the breeze, i am the dead floating osiris split asunder from isis, the sun without a moon, the vine without a tree, the magickian without his witch. i am alone in the abyss and it will consume me, crush me, destroy me and then we will see where it spits me out and what with. maybe there is no us, maybe you were right, i am not the one for you because i don't have what you need. equal money's, equal powers, equal love. i care so little for those things but i do care about what i wish for. enough to let it go.
saturday it began, the massive shift occurred through the day as i seemed to follow you into the mountains, a kia car cut in front of the van and i caught the model name, a strange occurrence indeed. the mushroom on my screen, the messages from the radio, the voice of the people i met. these messages are everywhere, i can't escape them.
i slept early and at 3 am i felt something change, it woke me, the whole field around me shifted, an auric pulse around my heart, pulsing a jazz saxophone green vibration. there it was, an upgrade.
later the phone rings and it's my cousin having dinner with some friends in canada. he's thinking of me as he knows i like working with children and an offer falls into my lap. later i get a call from cathy, a lady i worked with 25 years ago, she's very good friends with my bosses boss and has said some very nice things about me to her. enough to make a difference as ripples begin through the matrix back to me.
cathy tells me she has never forgotten me, its strange as she says all the things you have said to me, the good things. i was exceptional, a brilliant mind, outside the box, passionate about the people i supported and she wants to catch up with me. the strange thing is i barely recall anything from those days except a few people. i don't even recall cathy much.
she asks me if i am dating and i'm stumped. 'i don't know, probably not,' i say.
on return home i fall asleep into a strange dream where i am consumed by darkness, it eats away at my bones, yet i awake feeling alive and fresh, the birds are singing outside the window. my home is a state, a mess, and i begin to clean up the debris.
my heart is okay, it feels strong and clear. no pain just clarity i am doing the right thing, letting you go. giving you freedom to be with him and make a go of it. it was the right action for me, and i feel joy knowing you and him will be happy, he will look after you. he will love you the way you wish and i will grow and evolve and one day maybe be like more like you two and less like me.
yes there are tears and pain, but they are the right kind, unselfish. i love you to infinity and beyond.