Monday, April 15, 2019

from breathtakingly beautiful to agonising painful, that's the last few days slipping away. a great idea became a bad one, a simple start becomes complex finish and let's face it mission, destiny has been thwarted, you have been bowled out, nothing is what it seems and everything is actually a lie. those disinfomationists were right, the glamour wins, i loose, let's make it an elegant goodbye. i could really use a friend but there's no one in sight except my trusty old future ghost who just haunts the bones of the present me.  dead man walking, dead man typing, dead man in love, dead man in a deep fix.
my past fucks over the present, and the future burns up before my eyes like a pyre i recall from my life as a witch in the old days. oh here i am, don't mind me, a pawn in the game of girls. let's face it they are much smarter and ruthless than me, what the fuck do i know now. 
funny how these girls with abandonment issues always abandon me when i need them most. 
okay i have to do it alone, i get it. that's all i have ever done really, suddenly love comes along and i'm really alone.

i don't really understand this twin flame stuff, it feels like it's real and true but it makes my head hurt when i hear people speak about it. it's like a helicopter in my head, all these american voices going on about it as though they all know something i don't. maybe they do but jesus i'd like to work it out on my own than listen to these people go on and on. it's impossible to know what's what unless you feel your own way through it. why follow another persons path when there's one right in front of you. that's the one i take. 
there was one twin peak map that helped, it made me understand that i was not so alone in my experience, that there is something at work i could almost comprehend as navigational but all the others just make my head fill with smoke. the less i know about this the better really, i am a lone star, never really one for cults and groups and gangs. not a follower of anything.

unconditional love, man everyone keeps going on about this. what is it? everyone said to me dogs have unconditional love. yeah i get that but it's not unconditional is it? it's conditional that you feed, house, groom and care for it and take it for walks, let them play in the garden or park, be there for it.  those are conditions. 
i don't love unconditionally it seems. i want trust, respect, connection, commitment, honesty, loyalty, someone to be there for me as i would for her. all that stuff. is that a bad way to love. have i lost the game show? is my king in check mate? is my conditional love something i need to just accept comes from an ego state i have hanging around. okay what's the point of love without those conditions? it's perfect for our children otherwise it's just a word. the truth of love is in action, it is jointly constructed through two people declaring a love intent. it's a spell made in union heart to heart, soul to soul. it's a spell to create a joint life, a future a aligned with destiny. even divine time has conditions, so there is no escape from conditions, life is conditions, it works within, spirit has them, the universe is conditional baby. that''s why there's a feedback loop.
i lost the game i know that now. i have to be true to myself and you. i have to be honest and declare myself. 
you say you require unconditional love from me, that in itself is conditional, everyone has their conditions in love.
all i can say at this point is i am learning, growing and exploring.   trying hard to understand what you mean, what you are and why this happened and what i can learn from it. 

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