Tuesday, April 23, 2019

it's been at least well over one year since i saw nic, she and i hung out for a while until i disconnected and went into my alone zone. she said i looked and felt good, more joyous and bursting with enthusiasm for life, she said when she saw me last i was jaded and cynical about the world. 
i can't recall but i would have seen her almost immediately after i returned from london and shared my story. she was deeply effected by it, and always offered support but i was stupid and pride just kept me moving away from anyone who cared.
it's ironic, i am there to help her but she is helping me, she starts by saying i have to fix my relationship with my mother, she says i have to discover the belief in myself i have lost, when we spoke about love she seemed to understand well enough, she said, that's what love is, loosing yourself, it's beautiful and painful and was happy for me, and sad for me at the same time. 
we spoke about her ex, the violent option he took, the depth of his own despair. no one can imagine the place that person is but we know the ones that are left behind suffer the most. i tell her my story about elle and sue, two suicides i knew very well. i detour with some stories about my experiences at the refuge. we are drinking expensive whiskey, it's very good, easy to swallow and i know i will sleep well.  
i let the angels take me. 
total surrender and when i wake early i feel awful about myself. i'm lost and confused by it all, by myself, by what happened with us, with my own inability, vulnerability and stupidity. if ever i needed help now is the time, if ever i needed a place that was safe, it's now. i don't even know what that means, just a place to break apart and die my slow beautiful agonising death. just a place to die in peace. 
adapt or die, evolve or die. i always do, always have and now i probably will again by burning my past and present.
in the abyss i burn for you, for me. for us. i reach across to divinity. i reach out to divinity, i touch divinity and divinity touches me. that's my own paradox.
it's hurting so much, all i can do is feel it. let it happen and hope it happened for a reason. i must have meaning again, when i had meaning i understood it all and this process will give me a new one or obliterate me. that's the journey i take across the abyss. at the moment it's all just confusion. 
i thought i had found love at last, the one that i waited for, the one ayahuscia, magick and the universe delivered. i was to early, my timing way out and here i am. ahead of myself. i know everything and nothing, never a truer word spoken. i'm lost within my own dimensions trying to find my way to the one thing i know, but failed to reach. home. it's not inside me, i'm to vast, to expansive, to unknown, a mystery to all. it has to be... you?  
i know in my heart i am with you, you are with me. it's inevitable but this journey is the hardest path i have ever travelled and all i want to do is hold you again, slip into that peace of being with you and maybe come to some understanding of what we do with it. you are in moments, i am in aeons. you are love and i am in love, you are beauty and i am the beast, you are complex and i am simple, you want to serve humanity and i serve humanity, you want to create and i create, you want freedom and i want to liberate, it's an endless fractal of possibility and in that last equation i have to let it all go in order for you to feel the love you deserve. i let it go and all it does is hurt. why?
where am i going now?
where is the meaning?
what is my life without meaning?
i miss my dog so much. i miss tim so much. i miss you so much.

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