Monday, April 29, 2019

this is my anger and disappointment. i have to express it. this is where i do it best. i make no apology for it.

i'm a heat-seeking missile looking for love and finding something else. maybe captain you should avoid love altogether, it seems its messenger is a liar and fake, it's angel is a decoy and trap, she will kiss you while she will kill you, entrap you in time and eat your heart raw while claiming to be serving mankind. 

it's not what i thought it would be. it's more like a contemporary game show with a cheesy soundtrack of hopeless songs that exploit my own vulnerability and eventual tragedy.

i really have felt as if i am on a weird tv show. one of those reality shows where love is taken as the commodity and two contestants compete for it. 

on one side we have superman and on the other dr. strange. (when i was sitting in front of you, you said these were good descriptions and now suddenly they are apparently not for some reason. maybe a little close to the truth) 

in the middle of it all is the most beautiful woman in the world. she asks the questions, she connects and disconnects when it suits her, she moves between them with the key and her secrets, she whispers her promise and seduces with forked tongue. yeah she has a narcissistic side that likes to put herself at the centre of the universe, she also has an ego that needs a lot of rearranging so she can actually become spiritually awake but right now it pops out between beautiful and intermittent cruelty.

i did say back in the day no one wins in this dumb show. no-one ever does, no one can. all hearts get either fractured, damaged or broken. i've been through all three in the last few months so maybe i'm not doing so well in this particular game but today just was easy for me as i already knew. my intuition is supernatural. i knew the answer and now i have a new crystal clarity. 

you're really fucked up. probably the most fucked up thing i have experienced in a long time.

so before this all happened a few days ago i'm asked the question.
am i worthy?

what a strange question she asked me, just before she fucks him. a question only a woman with two men in her life could ask. a question the queen asks her knight as he embarks on a quest into unconditional love on her behalf. meanwhile the king sits upon the throne holding her hand tightly and getting into her pants with the other. 
that question puzzled me these last few days. now i don't care because the real question is are you worthy of me?
don't answer that. i know the answer.

back to the show.
i was up against someone she loves deeply, spends most of her time with, goes away with, cares for, watches the sunrise with each morning, wraps her in his 'golden wings of light' and always does and says the right thing. superman demonstrates acts of beauty and unconditional love, gets to hold her because he is there and i am not. from what i can make out he is the perfect man. he loves her. she always tells me how much she loves him despite the fact he does not ignite her passion. 
well that's what she told me folks. in fact she told me, she has totally withdrawn sexually. ohhh i fell for that one, hook line and sinker. what a clown i was. the fool. everyone told me she was lying to me. i believed her over them. i gave her 100% trust because what else can you do?

mornings revelation.
my own intuition and a single straight question uncovered the ugly truth. and it really is ugly. 
what does that make you now beautiful? 
oh here comes a barrage of excuses and objections, right on cue.

but back to the game show. my faults are splayed out like a disemboweled dog riddled with cancer. 
dr. strange is very sensitive, had an expectation, reminds her of her ex, a repeat pattern that requires much healing, he needs to work upon himself, fix his attitude to unconditional love.
not as fun as superman as he don't have dinner parties, beautiful things, friends, go drinking etc. 
and then she wants to disconnect from me for a few days and requests in order to assist our relationship (sorry i know you hate labels but you can always substitute it for friendship) i take her out for a few experiences in the city, ie writers festivals, bands, dinner which i started to do all good intentioned on my part. i mean i was really happy to see her and spend time with her not knowing what i know now, but feeling it intuitively in my bones as she kissed me and told me how she was making space for me. i believed it all. cos i'm just an fucking idiot.

i wonder what was the runner up prize is on this game show?

a board (bored) game called, true love always comes second. 

that aside, this current situation has damaged me deeply and thrown me from the abyss right out into something else. at least it's not an abyss. it's my freedom!

words are said and cannot be unsaid, actions taken and connections severed. it's all cause and effect now. 
i do always like to operate in effect. i like my effect to be a positive vibration but in this situation, everything became confused and blurred. how could it not? 

my conscious mind is different from my unconscious and they had conflicts that create new tensions for me. now i understand the conflict completely. 
i'm not interested in being worthy to be honest. i no longer have any interest in what she may think about me. i am just interested in being me, whoever whatever that is. and finding someone who loves me for that alone. not a faker but a keeper, an authentic woman with heart and soul. love is free you say, no, your love has a very high cost. mine is free.

so how can my worth be determined when i am a contestant on her reality tv show and there was never room for me in the frame. fuck your worthy value system, it's not for the likes of me.
you are the observer and you choose my worth because you observe? 
so listen, the first law of quantum physics is the observer effects the result so how is that an accurate observation and how can the result be fair. well it's been unfair all the way really. you have been very unfair to me, selfish and now finally cruel ms 'i am love.'
obviously, i have no value to you whatsoever. you turn me off when you fuck him. this morning when we spoke you said you love me, but how can i ever believe that, it's better that you say you hate me. i can believe that by your actions. actions baby, actions. what are your actions towards me?
fuck you and your lies.
all i just want to find my girl and stick with her. i'm not out for anything else, nothing else matters to me. the money, the periphery, the fucking bullshit that pours out your mouth. 

you want dinner parties, beautiful things, art, culture, travel and friends. well who fucking doesn't? 
the only difference is i don't demand them as a condition of love. you do. you have. fuck you and your unconditional love, it's a virus that kills!

dinner parties? 
well being a well read, well traveled and a remarkably interesting man i can actually manage myself very well in a dinner party situation no matter whom the guests are. yeah it's unbelievable but i am actually very confident about hosting, holding court and entertaining. just because i have not been to one for 5 years does not mean i am clueless. i'm a great cook to and will entertain all your guests with outrageous stories from my history  but fuck you and your dinner party. i'm burning the dinner and serving toast instead and you can all choke, pretentious little bastards.

beautiful things. 
beauty really is the eye of the beholder but why wouldn't i want to be surrounded by beauty. i wanted to be surrounded by you when i believed in you. it's almost ridiculous to think i wouldn't. where does that idea come from?
oh yeah one of your fantasy lies about me. i'm just a poor social worker type who doesn't have a real job where he's working with real people. well on behalf off all the people with disabilities and mental health issues, fuck you, fuck your fascist ideas and fuck you again unconditional love! 
you fucking hypocrite. who the fuck are you but a narcissistic self important liar. and for your information none of my clients have ever lied to me. 

as for my use of the plant medicine so many times. i could have stopped at 4-5 sessions but i continued on as i had access to the vine and drunk alone for the journey into other dimensions, for the relationships i developed with beings i met there, and the spirit of the goddess that guided me for information and exploration. healing was a very small part of my experience. remember i had a brain injury, i was raw and open so all healing occurred very fast for me. there was no resistance, no ego to fight. the rest of the sessions were based around developing a relationship with the spirit that has remained with me. she loves me, she knows me. there is nothing sinister in that. shamen always drink the vine no matter how many times they run a group, it's communion and respect.

as for labels. 
well, language is itself a label. words are labels, so if you speak you are using a label. i use and play with language as a writer and free thinker. i may not use the correct affirmations and i apologize if they trigger you but i'm not attached to that type of precision unless it's called for in spellcraft. i have to be free to express myself anyway i want. words are representation, you should read the situationist international manifesto, 'the society of spectacle' an art movement that really was worthy despite their misguidence. 
it is intention through vibration that creates, which is why ancient languages are used in magick not so much the modern ones. 
when you say 'relationship' you use it to describe the connection between you and superman, but between us i can't use it. okay, what word do i use then. friend? bit on the side?  

you always said i was an unwritten spell but in our conversation, you said i was a secondary spell. smaller than the first which brought you superman. well now this explains a lot to me. i didn't arrive early, you summoned me early. 
in my own spell i cleared a space for you. there's where the problem lies, you never made space. thus confusion. it really is that simple but we were in this together now for a while and space should have been made back then, now it's fallout zone space. damaged space, no space but just a fucking space mess form the junkyard of your fucking lies. 

what is love?
it's not you. i learnt from you love is ugly. it's deceptive, it's a lie and you embody it. i forgive you though. i don't hate you. just feel sad that you turned out to be so fucking ordinary. 

i've gone through the fire on this, i got burnt up like an old witch in salem. i don't care about the flames, i don't care about the smoke. i just want to get to the other fucking side.

i have no idea why i can't find an honest straightforward partner who tells the truth and is loyal. why it's complex and always so painful. 
i guess that's just the way it is and i have to accept the truth instead of thinking i can change it. i can't do anything other than  just keep moving forward, adapting, evolving and growing. i used to be on such a well-defined journey, i knew my destination and now i am completely disappointed by it, if indeed it was her.
did it really mean so little to you that you lied to me and fucked him?
i find that impossible to comprehend. 
i trusted you with everything.

but maybe like a lot of things i have to just let it all go and be content with the true love board game and being a loser although something deep inside me says i fucking won your dumb game show and you can fuck off back to your unconditional love drug. 

another girl another fucking new age zombie.

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