Wednesday, April 17, 2019

mind meditating floats here and there, river of surprises, twists and turns, i guess it's a lonely place to be sometimes, and sometimes faces come out of the crowd. always seems to happen to me when i'm in it. 
past lives, future lives all make sense but the present has taken me to a strange place. will i ever get back to what i once was, i feel like i can make it now but part of me is lost forever in this and the only time it all feels right is with you. 
love. what the fuck is it? i know i'm impossible to love, a contradiction. i know i probably am imperfect at love, it's not my thing, i told you once i went beyond love a long time ago. i wanna be loved but can i trust that? 
can i believe in it. i want to. 
loving is easy for me, i'm a ripe peach but being loved is a different story. 
magick is my thing. i'm to vast in my own inner world, i get lost in there so i understand how you must feel. maybe that's what you're telling me in your own way, and who can blame you, i'm a twilight zone on the outer limits, no wonder everybody warns you about me. i understand now. 
i move through the realms every day, they move through me, i don't even have to try, just tell me what you need from me. i don't seek anything, power, glory fame, attention but i really want your heart.  
but i know it belongs to another and that's okay. i can't own you, why would i want to. you can't own me then. i guess that's not the kind of love i wanted, i wanted to belong, be part of someone, be attached, be in their soul and spirit as one. i don't know what that looks like or what that even feels like but it's what i wanted when i cast my spell. it's so strange it turned out to be you. after all those fucked up wasted years. you forged a life and i hacked into it. 
i don't belong anywhere, i'm an anomaly, my heart is jazz poetry be bop, it goes where it will and follows it's own path. and it reached out to you, and saw something incredible and beautiful and it fell in love with you completely utterly fully. i'm so sorry, that's all i feel sorrow, a deep sorrow that hurts me, and i guess you and him. not what i wanted ever. i been down that road and watched everyone suffer, everyone looses. so how do i reconcile this. how can i make it right for you. 
i don't have an answer but he is safe and i am me. i'm very safe to be with but things happen through me, massive seismic events in space time, i'm fully attuned to it all, yet i know nothing. what kind of life can i even offer you. a magickal one, that's all i got.
anyways, it's time to let everything go, i have to just surrender else it eat me up and spit me out a black brother. so, the one thing i always found so easy is now the hardest thing i have ever had to do. let go of you. it's my own tragedy. i'm responsible for it all.
life's gotta have meaning, it did for a while, you are my beautiful meaning.

1 comment:

Whitebeard the wise. said...

you are loved, you just don't see it.
All Magick is a covenant with Demonic
forces and any "spells" will eventually
fail because you make deals with deceivers
which will have a cost to those you make
a deal with..
Love is a higher force.To find love you
must pray to the ultimate being and when
the grace is granted, it will be real
love not lust or desire.
We wish you love and real happiness
Captain, we who have had the good fortune
to know you, through your blog or
as friends,we wish you well my friend.