Wednesday, April 17, 2019

i know what you are now. to me.
it came like the archetype flash of light, as i was in deep meditation, the world just stopped spinning and it hit me right in the solar plexus, the obligatory thunderbolt.
it was a strange thought process as it started with you, meditation on dissolution of myself into you, exploration into unconditional love, a sudden turn to our past, atlantis as a starting point where we seperated, the idea of love being a spell, my shadow work to uncover some glitch for i am in the abyss, then wham!

i know what's happened. it's all about the universe and ayahuscia and it's all about my magickal life.

i'm in time now, a prison of weird progression towards inevitable death. ironically it's awful for me, a man who escaped it's ticking and tocking but it is my own fault. it's all my fault, everything is my responsibility from the beginning of my own self entrapment. i can feel the cage around me as i pace it's dimensions. it's beautiful and painful, it's expansive in potential but my heart just sees it's constrictions. this could change at anytime, but that is not in my control. 
my motivation rate is now slowed to almost zero point, can't even feed myself, get outside, make a thought that counts, where have i gone. separation is a dense energy, one that has kept me incomplete and torn asunder. it's weight is far to mighty for me to shake and last night something moved inside me from being separated to being terrifying. 
you describe it as a vortex, it spent the day with you and you seemed to work your way through it whereas it has swirled around me for a week making me ill and hurting my head, crushing my heart and manifesting as pain. yesterday you explored it and found some way through, last night in a hypersensitive situation i began to fall. i was falling. what happened to me? 
how has this experience been good for me, it has overwhelmed me, crushed me into non being, lost me in it's powerful gravity and you seem to hold the key for my release. that's not really very fair is it? 
you seemed so perfectly happy at this point in your life. i was 15-17 years late, something i will never be able to really forgive myself for.
growth is painful sometimes, i don't mind evolution at all but this is taking me to a place i didn't want to go. my stupid heart based expectations shattered, hope seems to abandon me at every chance, all we have is that experience and beautiful moments together. i'm devastated to be honest, all my instruments have failed, all my abilities to pass through life seem redundant in the face of this malaise. intellectually it's a dead end. mentally i am stumped. emotionally it is destroying me. spiritually it is to big to comprehend other than by intuition and even that has limits for me. i have knowing but it's my personal knowing, not yours. only magick will unlock the door now, because it is all magickal. you and i are magick incarnate. it really is a singularity event.
i do feel like an alien on this earth amongst humans, with their words, behaviours, aspirations and complexity. am i complex? i aways figured i was very simple, maybe just strange. i don't really belong anywhere except with you.
the energy in mission control is now so intense it's steamed up the windows, heavy energy with strong gravity, the vortex freezes me to my chair. it's so strong but not how i see a vortex, more like that succubus energy that visited me once, but much more powerful.
i am truely terrified.
i don't know why, how, but being terrified is actually good for me, it's part of fear and fear i understand relatively well. 
whatever this energy is, it has been hanging around for a while, and it has taken me out. i must confront it or it will kill me. 
once i have made this choice the whole thing seems right. movement becomes much easier and as i wander around looking for my lighter, candles, a space to work. i feel slightly confident this is the right action.
i'm glad you are there but part of me wants you here, this is our creation, we should do this together. for me doing things together is the most important part of any connection, i know you don't understand this but it is part of me and it's very important to me. but i've never done anything together, i'm always alone and left to my own devices when it's counted so this is just the way it is. at least you stay on the phone, maybe to call an ambulance. you protect me, but you need not bother, for this is something i will surrender to whatever lies beyond. i'm beyond protection here, it's all surrender. my heart feels so frail now like it's about to shatter, my whole being feels vacant as though i am not really here. 
i need something to alter my consciousness slightly, i smoke some weed and kill some pain at the same time, it's fantastic to feel a slight relief. 
i chose music, something indian, chanting to pull me in and out. 
i draw the whole vortex to me, it's massive and everywhere filling the whole house with it's power. as it shifts i notice it is not really a vortex and i enter it or it enters me. my movement through it reveals a portal not a vortex, a window into the universe and it feels very safe. no fear now, just awe as i see space. it's not just space but sensual space, and my body is moving through it. arms, hands begin to make intricate patterns as i swim through and finally dance inside. it's you and i, it's our universe, it's not heavy or dense, it's beautifully constructed, made of magick, made of love, made of us. you are everywhere, i see myself in you. no fear, no tension, nothing but purity. even my own insecurities banished like a infant in the arms of its mother. it's like dancing in honey, slow and rich, a different density that feels so erotic. whatever this is, pleasure centres are active and spiritual frameworks present as reality. this is holy, it reenforces the need for a sacred approach here, for both of us. i see that now. whatever this experience is it was ours, given to us as a gift, and i understand this is absolutely divine. 
madness is a strange term, i've known about people who practice these things going mad, loosing their mind but there is no madness here at all. it's completely coherent through a cosmic perspective  i'm not sure if the doctors at ward 6 would agree but they are in a narrow framework of reality, one of chemicals. i know it's not just chemicals. we are in a process of communication and knowledge, at the final phase where i need to cross the abyss. i have done this before, but never had it manifest so physical. never in a million years would i imagine you and i being this for one another. i don't know if it has ever happened before, or certainly been recorded. the event is monumental in magickal terms. i have attained something worthwhile but the hardest path is ahead. 
the cosmos has big plans for us. things are changing faster than ever, spinning towards something. i don't quite know why it is you and i that seem to be so entangled and then thrown upon this path with one another but i do know there is meaning in it, destiny working. fate is a frightening thing, it's easy to walk away from, run. hide from it. i feel myself moving through, laughing out the other side. yes, there have been times i feel like running, a strange impulse, i'm not a runner but this whole thing has almost destroyed me. running seemed like self preservation but also avoidance to a calling, my duty to the experience we share. 
whatever that was it was something, it has significance and intelligence, it was for us, it was given to us. 
late night introspection, i am not really here anymore. half existing in reality, but the other half is transcended something else, my physical supersensitive half can barley manage in the world, the other half is pulling me through you. i don't know i even understand that bit but it's there, in you. do you know?
i wish we could communicate without words, our solace seems to say it all. i'm so sorry i caused this and yet it happened for a reason, maybe to teach us both when you make a spell for love you better hold on tight and let go at the same time. 

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