Friday, April 26, 2019

big waves, powerful currents, and although it's been many years since i surfed waves like these it's still inside my body, i know what to do, how to move through them despite their overwhelming power. waves are useful at the moment, not for transmitting but for receiving. neptune reminds me i need to stay alive, all resources lie within myself, neptune reminds me it's all maya, even the emotional states. my emotional state has been very unstable, loss grief and uncertainty plague me and the differential engine between us shocked me into a completely new state.
when my thoughts turn to you i see only beauty, truth, love and wisdom. i see such a beautiful universe as your mind tabulates it all. i see a world filled with good things and i wish i could be like that but i'm not, i'm a different universe. 
mine includes all, darkness and light, all spectrums. how can it not?
what is real?
i am real and unreal.
i'm quantum in nature, in several places at once, several realms occupy me and i them. 
now i have to fix myself in one, the one where  it hurts and pain is felt. this is what i must do so i have. and i experience it, i immerse myself in it because it's so very new as an experience. 
is this the consequences of an opened heart?
i have no idea, only that it still opens, still blooms despite everything. 
it was the final piece of my puzzle, the weakest area in my existence has been love. i don't know what it means, what is love?
i know it's not words. 
i know it is action.
i've always known that, but what i have not known is how big it is and how vast it can be, a place beyond dimension, it has no real shape for me, only a straight line. it has no sound only a vibration that spirals out from me. it's still a spell as far as i can see but all is a spell for what is magick but will in action effecting change in the environment or the self.
anyway i must evacuate my own self and look at what is there, review it and make the changes required to make myself complete, the fractured life is not for me.

in the meantime i find myself an editor. mercifully i have two days to tidy up my novel 'rites' before sending it away, it's not yet finished but it will offer me some idea on direction, style and technical grammar. 
reading it has a strange effect, so many patterns still hanging around me in different forms, fear, fate, destiny, free will, love and loss. the way change can alter a person dramatically, lightness and darkness dancing together in conflict and completeness. it's a very discombobulating experience being sucked back to that period. 
secondly tez and jean have tracked down my old partner in crime from berlin and london the infamous martin von donaldson, he now lives in spain!
this is amazing work by jean and tez, we have been searching for him for over a decade thinking he was still in berlin. wonders! 


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