Thursday, April 25, 2019

fade out, fade in.
the ocean casts it's ripples and waves, neptunes arms are strong, currents are compassionate and loyal, i see beauty within all things except myself. 
i really don't know who i am anymore. i really don't understand the experience of the last few months, it was so vast and i lost myself in there. crawling back i find a little peace, the birds are singing, the water crashes, the sound of children next door. i'm like a character in a book, the sad old man who lives next door. 
am i lonely?
i've been so content being alone and now i just feel discontent. is that a good thing? i don't even know how to apply a value anymore. 
i thought my job was useful and serving people, now i am uncertain, i thought i could write something and feel inspired, now i just feel   like i want to sleep for a thousand years or leave everything and go to the remotest part of the globe, a place i have never been and make a home there. 
the abyss is a place where you loose all meaning and if you navigate it correctly you find new meaning. all i have done is go around in a circle, from no meaning to meaning and back to no meaning.
but everything must have a meaning in the abyss. 
otherwise the process wouldn't work.
so i must find new meaning.
seek a vision.
find a voice.
fade in, fade out.

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