a poem

everything i said i meant

because i was very true

i always had 100% trust

and i believed in you

i struggled with the unconditional 

an aspect that you command

and now i know the full truth of it

i will never bend to its demand

for i seek a better type of love

where loyalty in action counts

and causality has a meaningful effect

and the sacred holds account
keep your golden futures 
and faux-spiritual outlook
i'm not beguiled by your glamour
as your beauty fades and closes our book.

this is my anger and disappointment. i have to express it. this is where i do it best. i make no apology for it.


i'm a heat-seeking missile looking for love and finding something else. maybe captain you should avoid love altogether, it seems its messenger is a liar and fake, it's angel is a decoy and trap, she will kiss you while she will kill you, entrap you in time and eat your heart raw while claiming to be serving mankind. 

it's not what i thought it would be. it's more like a contemporary game show with a cheesy soundtrack of hopeless songs that exploit my own vulnerability and eventual tragedy.

i really have felt as if i am on a weird tv show. one of those reality shows where love is taken as the commodity and two contestants compete for it. 

on one side we have superman and on the other dr. strange. (when i was sitting in front of you, you said these were good descriptions and now suddenly they are apparently not for some reason. maybe a little close to the truth) 

in the middle of it all is the most beautiful woman in the world. she asks the questions, she connects and disconnects when it suits her, she moves between them with the key and her secrets, she whispers her promise and seduces with forked tongue. yeah she has a narcissistic side that likes to put herself at the centre of the universe, she also has an ego that needs a lot of rearranging so she can actually become spiritually awake but right now it pops out between beautiful and intermittent cruelty.

i did say back in the day no one wins in this dumb show. no-one ever does, no one can. all hearts get either fractured, damaged or broken. i've been through all three in the last few months so maybe i'm not doing so well in this particular game but today just was easy for me as i already knew. my intuition is supernatural. i knew the answer and now i have a new crystal clarity. 

you're really fucked up. probably the most fucked up thing i have experienced in a long time.

so before this all happened a few days ago i'm asked the question.
am i worthy?

what a strange question she asked me, just before she fucks him. a question only a woman with two men in her life could ask. a question the queen asks her knight as he embarks on a quest into unconditional love on her behalf. meanwhile the king sits upon the throne holding her hand tightly and getting into her pants with the other. 
that question puzzled me these last few days. now i don't care because the real question is are you worthy of me?
don't answer that. i know the answer.

back to the show.
i was up against someone she loves deeply, spends most of her time with, goes away with, cares for, watches the sunrise with each morning, wraps her in his 'golden wings of light' and always does and says the right thing. superman demonstrates acts of beauty and unconditional love, gets to hold her because he is there and i am not. from what i can make out he is the perfect man. he loves her. she always tells me how much she loves him despite the fact he does not ignite her passion. 
well that's what she told me folks. in fact she told me, she has totally withdrawn sexually. ohhh i fell for that one, hook line and sinker. what a clown i was. the fool. everyone told me she was lying to me. i believed her over them. i gave her 100% trust because what else can you do?

mornings revelation.
my own intuition and a single straight question uncovered the ugly truth. and it really is ugly. 
what does that make you now beautiful? 
oh here comes a barrage of excuses and objections, right on cue.

but back to the game show. my faults are splayed out like a disemboweled dog riddled with cancer. 
dr. strange is very sensitive, had an expectation, reminds her of her ex, a repeat pattern that requires much healing, he needs to work upon himself, fix his attitude to unconditional love.
not as fun as superman as he don't have dinner parties, beautiful things, friends, go drinking etc. 
  
and then she wants to disconnect from me for a few days and requests in order to assist our relationship (sorry i know you hate labels but you can always substitute it for friendship) i take her out for a few experiences in the city, ie writers festivals, bands, dinner which i started to do all good intentioned on my part. i mean i was really happy to see her and spend time with her not knowing what i know now, but feeling it intuitively in my bones as she kissed me and told me how she was making space for me. i believed it all. cos i'm just an fucking idiot.

i wonder what was the runner up prize is on this game show?

a board (bored) game called, true love always comes second. 


that aside, this current situation has damaged me deeply and thrown me from the abyss right out into something else. at least it's not an abyss. it's my freedom!

words are said and cannot be unsaid, actions taken and connections severed. it's all cause and effect now. 
i do always like to operate in effect. i like my effect to be a positive vibration but in this situation, everything became confused and blurred. how could it not? 

my conscious mind is different from my unconscious and they had conflicts that create new tensions for me. now i understand the conflict completely. 
     
i'm not interested in being worthy to be honest. i no longer have any interest in what she may think about me. i am just interested in being me, whoever whatever that is. and finding someone who loves me for that alone. not a faker but a keeper, an authentic woman with heart and soul. love is free you say, no, your love has a very high cost. mine is free.

so how can my worth be determined when i am a contestant on her reality tv show and there was never room for me in the frame. fuck your worthy value system, it's not for the likes of me.
you are the observer and you choose my worth because you observe? 
so listen, the first law of quantum physics is the observer effects the result so how is that an accurate observation and how can the result be fair. well it's been unfair all the way really. you have been very unfair to me, selfish and now finally cruel ms 'i am love.'
obviously, i have no value to you whatsoever. you turn me off when you fuck him. this morning when we spoke you said you love me, but how can i ever believe that, it's better that you say you hate me. i can believe that by your actions. actions baby, actions. what are your actions towards me?
fuck you and your lies.
all i just want to find my girl and stick with her. i'm not out for anything else, nothing else matters to me. the money, the periphery, the fucking bullshit that pours out your mouth. 

you want dinner parties, beautiful things, art, culture, travel and friends. well who fucking doesn't? 
the only difference is i don't demand them as a condition of love. you do. you have. fuck you and your unconditional love, it's a virus that kills!

dinner parties? 
well being a well read, well traveled and a remarkably interesting man i can actually manage myself very well in a dinner party situation no matter whom the guests are. yeah it's unbelievable but i am actually very confident about hosting, holding court and entertaining. just because i have not been to one for 5 years does not mean i am clueless. i'm a great cook to and will entertain all your guests with outrageous stories from my history  but fuck you and your dinner party. i'm burning the dinner and serving toast instead and you can all choke, pretentious little bastards.

beautiful things. 
beauty really is the eye of the beholder but why wouldn't i want to be surrounded by beauty. i wanted to be surrounded by you when i believed in you. it's almost ridiculous to think i wouldn't. where does that idea come from?
oh yeah one of your fantasy lies about me. i'm just a poor social worker type who doesn't have a real job where he's working with real people. well on behalf off all the people with disabilities and mental health issues, fuck you, fuck your fascist ideas and fuck you again unconditional love! 
you fucking hypocrite. who the fuck are you but a narcissistic self important liar. and for your information none of my clients have ever lied to me. 

as for my use of the plant medicine so many times. i could have stopped at 4-5 sessions but i continued on as i had access to the vine and drunk alone for the journey into other dimensions, for the relationships i developed with beings i met there, and the spirit of the goddess that guided me for information and exploration. healing was a very small part of my experience. remember i had a brain injury, i was raw and open so all healing occurred very fast for me. there was no resistance, no ego to fight. the rest of the sessions were based around developing a relationship with the spirit that has remained with me. she loves me, she knows me. there is nothing sinister in that. shamen always drink the vine no matter how many times they run a group, it's communion and respect.

as for labels. 
well, language is itself a label. words are labels, so if you speak you are using a label. i use and play with language as a writer and free thinker. i may not use the correct affirmations and i apologize if they trigger you but i'm not attached to that type of precision unless it's called for in spellcraft. i have to be free to express myself anyway i want. words are representation, you should read the situationist international manifesto, 'the society of spectacle' an art movement that really was worthy despite their misguidence. 
it is intention through vibration that creates, which is why ancient languages are used in magick not so much the modern ones. 
when you say 'relationship' you use it to describe the connection between you and superman, but between us i can't use it. okay, what word do i use then. friend? bit on the side?  

you always said i was an unwritten spell but in our conversation, you said i was a secondary spell. smaller than the first which brought you superman. well now this explains a lot to me. i didn't arrive early, you summoned me early. 
in my own spell i cleared a space for you. there's where the problem lies, you never made space. thus confusion. it really is that simple but we were in this together now for a while and space should have been made back then, now it's fallout zone space. damaged space, no space but just a fucking space mess form the junkyard of your fucking lies. 

what is love?
it's not you. i learnt from you love is ugly. it's deceptive, it's a lie and you embody it. i forgive you though. i don't hate you. just feel sad that you turned out to be so fucking ordinary. 


i've gone through the fire on this, i got burnt up like an old witch in salem. i don't care about the flames, i don't care about the smoke. i just want to get to the other fucking side.
  

i have no idea why i can't find an honest straightforward partner who tells the truth and is loyal. why it's complex and always so painful. 
i guess that's just the way it is and i have to accept the truth instead of thinking i can change it. i can't do anything other than  just keep moving forward, adapting, evolving and growing. i used to be on such a well-defined journey, i knew my destination and now i am completely disappointed by it, if indeed it was her.
did it really mean so little to you that you lied to me and fucked him?
i find that impossible to comprehend. 
i trusted you with everything.

but maybe like a lot of things i have to just let it all go and be content with the true love board game and being a loser although something deep inside me says i fucking won your dumb game show and you can fuck off back to your unconditional love drug. 

another girl another fucking new age zombie.

big waves, powerful currents, and although it's been many years since i surfed waves like these it's still inside my body, i know what to do, how to move through them despite their overwhelming power. waves are useful at the moment, not for transmitting but for receiving. neptune reminds me i need to stay alive, all resources lie within myself, neptune reminds me it's all maya, even the emotional states. my emotional state has been very unstable, loss grief and uncertainty plague me and the differential engine between us shocked me into a completely new state.
when my thoughts turn to you i see only beauty, truth, love and wisdom. i see such a beautiful universe as your mind tabulates it all. i see a world filled with good things and i wish i could be like that but i'm not, i'm a different universe. 
mine includes all, darkness and light, all spectrums. how can it not?
what is real?
i am real and unreal.
i'm quantum in nature, in several places at once, several realms occupy me and i them. 
now i have to fix myself in one, the one where  it hurts and pain is felt. this is what i must do so i have. and i experience it, i immerse myself in it because it's so very new as an experience. 
is this the consequences of an opened heart?
i have no idea, only that it still opens, still blooms despite everything. 
it was the final piece of my puzzle, the weakest area in my existence has been love. i don't know what it means, what is love?
i know it's not words. 
i know it is action.
i've always known that, but what i have not known is how big it is and how vast it can be, a place beyond dimension, it has no real shape for me, only a straight line. it has no sound only a vibration that spirals out from me. it's still a spell as far as i can see but all is a spell for what is magick but will in action effecting change in the environment or the self.
anyway i must evacuate my own self and look at what is there, review it and make the changes required to make myself complete, the fractured life is not for me.

in the meantime i find myself an editor. mercifully i have two days to tidy up my novel 'rites' before sending it away, it's not yet finished but it will offer me some idea on direction, style and technical grammar. 
reading it has a strange effect, so many patterns still hanging around me in different forms, fear, fate, destiny, free will, love and loss. the way change can alter a person dramatically, lightness and darkness dancing together in conflict and completeness. it's a very discombobulating experience being sucked back to that period. 
secondly tez and jean have tracked down my old partner in crime from berlin and london the infamous martin von donaldson, he now lives in spain!
this is amazing work by jean and tez, we have been searching for him for over a decade thinking he was still in berlin. wonders! 






       

so very tired and to be honest i think i'm exhausted from everything, exhausted and somewhat dazed and confused. it's been massive and i'm not sure if i understood how massive it has been for you as well.
i'm only involved with one person, you are with two. that's huge really, especially if he is anything like me. i can understand how you must feel, frustrated and in need of peace. i'm really sorry for my contribution to that. i feel like i should have known better, after all you told me enough times, i just didn't understand how it must have been from your perspective. 'taken out by love' what a way to go!
i'm not going to take you out. well, i will take you out but lets do it so it works for you. 

fade out, fade in.
the ocean casts it's ripples and waves, neptunes arms are strong, currents are compassionate and loyal, i see beauty within all things except myself. 
i really don't know who i am anymore. i really don't understand the experience of the last few months, it was so vast and i lost myself in there. crawling back i find a little peace, the birds are singing, the water crashes, the sound of children next door. i'm like a character in a book, the sad old man who lives next door. 
am i lonely?
i've been so content being alone and now i just feel discontent. is that a good thing? i don't even know how to apply a value anymore. 
i thought my job was useful and serving people, now i am uncertain, i thought i could write something and feel inspired, now i just feel   like i want to sleep for a thousand years or leave everything and go to the remotest part of the globe, a place i have never been and make a home there. 
the abyss is a place where you loose all meaning and if you navigate it correctly you find new meaning. all i have done is go around in a circle, from no meaning to meaning and back to no meaning.
but everything must have a meaning in the abyss. 
otherwise the process wouldn't work.
so i must find new meaning.
seek a vision.
find a voice.
fade in, fade out.

it's been at least well over one year since i saw nic, she and i hung out for a while until i disconnected and went into my alone zone. she said i looked and felt good, more joyous and bursting with enthusiasm for life, she said when she saw me last i was jaded and cynical about the world. 
i can't recall but i would have seen her almost immediately after i returned from london and shared my story. she was deeply effected by it, and always offered support but i was stupid and pride just kept me moving away from anyone who cared.
it's ironic, i am there to help her but she is helping me, she starts by saying i have to fix my relationship with my mother, she says i have to discover the belief in myself i have lost, when we spoke about love she seemed to understand well enough, she said, that's what love is, loosing yourself, it's beautiful and painful and was happy for me, and sad for me at the same time. 
we spoke about her ex, the violent option he took, the depth of his own despair. no one can imagine the place that person is but we know the ones that are left behind suffer the most. i tell her my story about elle and sue, two suicides i knew very well. i detour with some stories about my experiences at the refuge. we are drinking expensive whiskey, it's very good, easy to swallow and i know i will sleep well.  
i let the angels take me. 
total surrender and when i wake early i feel awful about myself. i'm lost and confused by it all, by myself, by what happened with us, with my own inability, vulnerability and stupidity. if ever i needed help now is the time, if ever i needed a place that was safe, it's now. i don't even know what that means, just a place to break apart and die my slow beautiful agonising death. just a place to die in peace. 
adapt or die, evolve or die. i always do, always have and now i probably will again by burning my past and present.
in the abyss i burn for you, for me. for us. i reach across to divinity. i reach out to divinity, i touch divinity and divinity touches me. that's my own paradox.
it's hurting so much, all i can do is feel it. let it happen and hope it happened for a reason. i must have meaning again, when i had meaning i understood it all and this process will give me a new one or obliterate me. that's the journey i take across the abyss. at the moment it's all just confusion. 
i thought i had found love at last, the one that i waited for, the one ayahuscia, magick and the universe delivered. i was to early, my timing way out and here i am. ahead of myself. i know everything and nothing, never a truer word spoken. i'm lost within my own dimensions trying to find my way to the one thing i know, but failed to reach. home. it's not inside me, i'm to vast, to expansive, to unknown, a mystery to all. it has to be... you?  
i know in my heart i am with you, you are with me. it's inevitable but this journey is the hardest path i have ever travelled and all i want to do is hold you again, slip into that peace of being with you and maybe come to some understanding of what we do with it. you are in moments, i am in aeons. you are love and i am in love, you are beauty and i am the beast, you are complex and i am simple, you want to serve humanity and i serve humanity, you want to create and i create, you want freedom and i want to liberate, it's an endless fractal of possibility and in that last equation i have to let it all go in order for you to feel the love you deserve. i let it go and all it does is hurt. why?
where am i going now?
where is the meaning?
what is my life without meaning?
i miss my dog so much. i miss tim so much. i miss you so much.

holy saturation batman!
she's everywhere, it's insanity x 12
okay mission, just keep breathing through it, it will pass, or will it. i'm passing through, just a man on his way, look at the landscape and ponder it's beauty.
but i have shifted my idea of beauty, it dawned upon me that beauty is inner peace not external value. i cannot see the beauty in the world, it must be within me.
look harder mission, find it. go deeper.

all happening so fast, so very strange as the moment changes from one of joy to sadness as i am confronted with a friend in the midst of a suicide of an ex partner. another one checking out far to early, and she is distraught. i need to go be with her, forgive me this tangent. tragic circumstances, and while i am on top of it all maybe i can offer some support, i just hope she's not drinking as she is a drinker of whiskey and i can't deal with drunk girls anymore. 
anyway's onwards...

grounding myself- the process requires grounding myself, which is ironic as in my professional realm i am grounded by the personal care of people in the most basic way possible, i write reports based on observable behaviour and facts, i deal with a very mundane level of reality. how grounded do i have to be? 
i am home, i am elevated to be who i am. i'm able to shift gears when necessary but as a creative being, i must be free to journey these levels, explore and refine. i think what you mean is see the idea in a tangible form, a path i was walking upon before we happened. 
i am working towards this goal. i did it with music, a collection of stories and now there is three novels. i am a writer, looking for an editor.

in the abyss i understand i must go beyond symbolic representation. love is all. i am all. i will be all. a universe waiting to be known. to be loved.

i was in the salt baths at miracle hill sitting there in an envelope of steam with dr. crack. he was sipping on some expensive wines, two glasses at once, while i made do with my joint which kept extinguishing itself. i reached over to the lighter and attempted to relight the tip.
'you need a new vice mission.'
'yeah what you offering me?'
'well, drinking expensive wines.'
'who will drive you home if i start drinking?'
'ah good point mission. what about sex with dangerous women?'
'love would be more risky?'
'ah fuck, you extremist mission.'
a woman enters and asks if there is anything we need, drinks, massage, company, sex, a phone, towels, food or music.
'nope, we are fine,' i say as i spark up my spliff.
it's just a little organic weed that hits my system, perfect for the release of tension and pain. i slide back into the water and lay back dropping my shoulders and feeling the perfect release of stress. 
a sublime energy inebriates me, my body feels floppy and light, my mind floats as if lifted by helium filled balloons. i attempt to say something but the words slip out in elongated rubber.
somethings wrong, i look at crack.
'oh, i did slip something into your mix mission, should be taking effect about now.'
yeah that would be right. i have to laugh but my lips are to relaxed, i try to point a finger at him but my hand will not work.
my body turns to jelly and eyes close.

whomever these women are they are doing some invasive surgery upon me, waving their wands above my chest and moving things around in some pranic energy field. i've seen all this before, i know what they are doing being a pranic man myself. however there's something slightly left field about the two women who work over me. 
i tune in to the energy field and see they are operating in green light, my chest, heart. fingers nimbly tweaking fragile components and pulses in the chakra. 
although i can't move my mouth is working, 'what are you doing?'
'ah just completing a job.'
'what job?'
'one we were paid handsomely for.'
'what's the job.'
'love?'
'oh fuck.'

later in the baths i seem to come around from a deep sleep, crack is finishing up his fifth bottle and looks slightly deranged.
'ah welcome back mission, feeling nice and relaxed?'
'i know what you did you fucking freakazoid.'
'love's hardly a vice is it?'
'ah that depends on the significance you attach to the value of a vice. don't get me wrong it's a virtue as well.'
'i'm to drunk to even care what love is, it's just some thing people say but never actually do. who you going to fall in love with mission?'
'i'm don't trust myself to fall for anyone. i'll use magick, ask a broker. safer and more in alignment with my nature.'
'your far to clever for your own good mission. you should drink more alcohol, its what all the people do when they need to lubricate their social lives.'
'ah i have a healthy collection of vices and virtues thank you and some very good lubrication.'
'well i'm still not sure love counts as a vice, lust would be better.'
'depends on whom i fall in love with, after all love and lust are the good combination and lust is so much better with love.' 
the dr. looks at me with his droopy drunk eyes, 'i love you mission. good luck asking the universe but always be careful what you wish for.'
'i always care for what i wish for.'
crack chuckles to himself and closes his eyes. his big bald fat head leans back and i watch his chest rise and fall, glistening with water and oils. 
his lips open and he mumbles something, 'hang on tight mission, and let go.'

we share one single sunrise, or reveal, as it popped through the thick cloud mass and the rays bathed below as above. that means so much to me, i am grateful you gave me that one moment. i'll never forget that with you although it wasn't as romantic as i hoped it was something real, just like our day.
one spectacular friday into saturday. they will all be like this in our future for it is written but maybe your timeline will shift as it does most of the time, sliding doors you call it, whereas i see all doors and choose one. that's my hearts will in action. it has it's knowing but it's a one way street i guess. unrequited love, the strangest of them all. however i was in love with a lesbian once or twice, she was amazingly unreachable yet we became very good friends and travelled together. but you, you, you i could never see or speak with, not in this lifetime for it would be far to much than i could bare. i'm not like him, he would return as a friend. i am far more than a friend. he's better than me. i know you made a good choice, a better choice than me. it's fine now, i have detached myself and escaped the time trap, escaped that terrible feeling of separation. it hurts, it's bearable though. i am stronger than i thought but only for you to be happy and free. and surprisingly him, i like him. 
here is what i saw, it's probably safe for me to share it seeing as its so unlikely now.
in my timeline i meet you at a place in italy where the water is blue azure and the sky dances with fractal light and your eyes finally see yourself as i have seen you and you know who i am. it is the magickal moment the universe ordained. from that point it's a commitment we renew twice daily as we choose. it is as it should be, it frees us from the lie and keeps us both in truth. this is what i saw in my vision but could never really share fully. reunion was perfect, sacred, as it should be. as it was meant to be. it's why i clung on to it for so long.
it's all supposed to be unsaid, unknown and uncharted except that a master magickian who somehow managed to see through time space and the maya of it all found himself within the signal and tuned in. lucky me.
you ask where magick went?
(is that expectation for more? attachment to it?) 
it does not go, it has it's own intelligence, it's not asleep or dormant. it just knows how to work for us, sometimes overtly sometimes subtly. magick works for a reason, it has a divine purpose. do you ever ponder the divinity at work with us? i do, i have meditated upon it for months, it is very obvious and something i must attempt to remain true to even if i never see you again. 
as i said i began the mystic path and ended in the magick, that's the best place to start as ego needs to be understood before magick can effectively work for you, ego requires obliteration and restructure, as i have experienced many times. it's a tricky part of the psyche. often the universe helps me in this lesson, it has power of effectiveness, smashing me into a thousand pieces. now i have a relationship with it, therefore i meet it halfway, knowing when to surrender, when to commit, when to take action, we have a feedback loop that has existed for years and you and i became part of it. i've surrendered my ambition, power and lusts, complications and drama, my ego is capable of being reassembled when necessary for evolution. i have no need for these distractions. my ascension is inevitable. i have not sought distractions for a while so i do keep it simple.
the only single aspect of life that made any sense now is to share it with someone, you! and we build from there. from love will come fame, money, power and from love it will be used wisely.  
you are a mass of seething contradictions, a paradox. what you want today you don't tomorrow, you say surrender to it but you control it defy gravity is just defiance, you get direct communication from the universe, confirmation but you always require more like an addiction. you get bricks and coconuts thrown at you but reject them all for you cannot know what you want until you let it all go and understand you can choose somethings but not others. destiny chooses you. just like it chose me. no matter how far you go, i will always be there within you and the universe will never let you forget. me, i am the same, therefore i choose to act now. if that is a mistake i take responsibility for it. i am very sorry for the way it has played out, it was imperfection and yet perfect so it was true for me. all of it was true for me. all of it was real. 
what's real you ask all the time?
there are layers upon layers of reality, it's all about perception and vibration. a low vibration perceives a more solid tangible reality, the higher the vibration the less dense the reality. love is the same, there are many types of love. i fathom ours was a level even i cannot comprehend fully, and yet i wanted to dive in naked and loose myself in it and did. and it was true for me for the first time. a universe seeing itself. that's creation baby. that's the fundamental purpose of existence. the feminine exists in all life, and the masculine can only know itself through union of love. all creation is a dance to unite, to find love. ours seemed to echo throughout all universes. 
and now i am about to take everything into my own hands, not because i have to but because i choose to, becuase i want to do the best action i can to free you from it all.
i will destroy myself completely, and i will rise from it something else. how strange the abyss is at this time in the calendar, a snake sheds its skin, an old personna dies a new one born again, a resurrection. no attachment to you, no expectation to you. if this is what i have to do, then i must burn in the invisible flames of the abyss, carry the cross i created and free myself from an entrapment i chose. i embrace the pain. i must forgive, heal and love again. i will find my new will. i must surrender to the darkness and let it consume whatever light i have, and extinguish the star that was captain mission. i am on my knees, i'm the dust in the breeze, i am the dead floating osiris split asunder from isis, the sun without a moon, the vine without a tree,  the magickian without his witch. i am alone in the abyss and it will consume me, crush me, destroy me and then we will see where it spits me out and what with. maybe there is no us, maybe you were right, i am not the one for you because i don't have what you need. equal money's, equal powers, equal love. i care so little for those things but i do care about what i wish for. enough to let it go. 
saturday it began, the massive shift occurred through the day as i seemed to follow you into the mountains, a kia car cut in front of the van and i caught the model name, a strange occurrence indeed. the mushroom on my screen, the messages from the radio, the voice of the people i met. these messages are everywhere, i can't escape them. 
i slept early and at 3 am i felt something change, it woke me, the whole field around me shifted, an auric pulse around my heart, pulsing a jazz saxophone green vibration. there it was, an upgrade.
later the phone rings and it's my cousin having dinner with some friends in canada. he's thinking of me as he knows i like working with children and an offer falls into my lap. later i get a call from cathy, a lady i worked with 25 years ago, she's very good friends with my bosses boss and has said some very nice things about me to her. enough to make a difference as ripples begin through the matrix back to me.
cathy tells me she has never forgotten me, its strange as she says all the things you have said to me, the good things. i was exceptional, a brilliant mind, outside the box, passionate about the people i supported and she wants to catch up with me. the strange thing is i barely recall anything from those days except a few people. i don't even recall cathy much.
she asks me if i am dating and i'm stumped. 'i don't know, probably not,' i say.
on return home i fall asleep into a strange dream where i am consumed by darkness, it eats away at my bones, yet i awake feeling alive and fresh, the birds are singing outside the window. my home is a state, a mess, and i begin to clean up the debris. 
my heart is okay, it feels strong and clear. no pain just clarity i am doing the right thing, letting you go. giving you freedom to be with him and make a go of it. it was the right action for me, and i feel joy knowing you and him will be happy, he will look after you. he will love you the way you wish and i will grow and evolve and one day maybe be like more like you two and less like me.
yes there are tears and pain, but they are the right kind, unselfish. i love you to infinity and beyond.

mind meditating floats here and there, river of surprises, twists and turns, i guess it's a lonely place to be sometimes, and sometimes faces come out of the crowd. always seems to happen to me when i'm in it. 
past lives, future lives all make sense but the present has taken me to a strange place. will i ever get back to what i once was, i feel like i can make it now but part of me is lost forever in this and the only time it all feels right is with you. 
love. what the fuck is it? i know i'm impossible to love, a contradiction. i know i probably am imperfect at love, it's not my thing, i told you once i went beyond love a long time ago. i wanna be loved but can i trust that? 
can i believe in it. i want to. 
loving is easy for me, i'm a ripe peach but being loved is a different story. 
magick is my thing. i'm to vast in my own inner world, i get lost in there so i understand how you must feel. maybe that's what you're telling me in your own way, and who can blame you, i'm a twilight zone on the outer limits, no wonder everybody warns you about me. i understand now. 
i move through the realms every day, they move through me, i don't even have to try, just tell me what you need from me. i don't seek anything, power, glory fame, attention but i really want your heart.  
but i know it belongs to another and that's okay. i can't own you, why would i want to. you can't own me then. i guess that's not the kind of love i wanted, i wanted to belong, be part of someone, be attached, be in their soul and spirit as one. i don't know what that looks like or what that even feels like but it's what i wanted when i cast my spell. it's so strange it turned out to be you. after all those fucked up wasted years. you forged a life and i hacked into it. 
i don't belong anywhere, i'm an anomaly, my heart is jazz poetry be bop, it goes where it will and follows it's own path. and it reached out to you, and saw something incredible and beautiful and it fell in love with you completely utterly fully. i'm so sorry, that's all i feel sorrow, a deep sorrow that hurts me, and i guess you and him. not what i wanted ever. i been down that road and watched everyone suffer, everyone looses. so how do i reconcile this. how can i make it right for you. 
i don't have an answer but he is safe and i am me. i'm very safe to be with but things happen through me, massive seismic events in space time, i'm fully attuned to it all, yet i know nothing. what kind of life can i even offer you. a magickal one, that's all i got.
anyways, it's time to let everything go, i have to just surrender else it eat me up and spit me out a black brother. so, the one thing i always found so easy is now the hardest thing i have ever had to do. let go of you. it's my own tragedy. i'm responsible for it all.
life's gotta have meaning, it did for a while, you are my beautiful meaning.

i know what you are now. to me.
it came like the archetype flash of light, as i was in deep meditation, the world just stopped spinning and it hit me right in the solar plexus, the obligatory thunderbolt.
it was a strange thought process as it started with you, meditation on dissolution of myself into you, exploration into unconditional love, a sudden turn to our past, atlantis as a starting point where we seperated, the idea of love being a spell, my shadow work to uncover some glitch for i am in the abyss, then wham!

i know what's happened. it's all about the universe and ayahuscia and it's all about my magickal life.

i'm in time now, a prison of weird progression towards inevitable death. ironically it's awful for me, a man who escaped it's ticking and tocking but it is my own fault. it's all my fault, everything is my responsibility from the beginning of my own self entrapment. i can feel the cage around me as i pace it's dimensions. it's beautiful and painful, it's expansive in potential but my heart just sees it's constrictions. this could change at anytime, but that is not in my control. 
my motivation rate is now slowed to almost zero point, can't even feed myself, get outside, make a thought that counts, where have i gone. separation is a dense energy, one that has kept me incomplete and torn asunder. it's weight is far to mighty for me to shake and last night something moved inside me from being separated to being terrifying. 
you describe it as a vortex, it spent the day with you and you seemed to work your way through it whereas it has swirled around me for a week making me ill and hurting my head, crushing my heart and manifesting as pain. yesterday you explored it and found some way through, last night in a hypersensitive situation i began to fall. i was falling. what happened to me? 
how has this experience been good for me, it has overwhelmed me, crushed me into non being, lost me in it's powerful gravity and you seem to hold the key for my release. that's not really very fair is it? 
you seemed so perfectly happy at this point in your life. i was 15-17 years late, something i will never be able to really forgive myself for.
growth is painful sometimes, i don't mind evolution at all but this is taking me to a place i didn't want to go. my stupid heart based expectations shattered, hope seems to abandon me at every chance, all we have is that experience and beautiful moments together. i'm devastated to be honest, all my instruments have failed, all my abilities to pass through life seem redundant in the face of this malaise. intellectually it's a dead end. mentally i am stumped. emotionally it is destroying me. spiritually it is to big to comprehend other than by intuition and even that has limits for me. i have knowing but it's my personal knowing, not yours. only magick will unlock the door now, because it is all magickal. you and i are magick incarnate. it really is a singularity event.
i do feel like an alien on this earth amongst humans, with their words, behaviours, aspirations and complexity. am i complex? i aways figured i was very simple, maybe just strange. i don't really belong anywhere except with you.
the energy in mission control is now so intense it's steamed up the windows, heavy energy with strong gravity, the vortex freezes me to my chair. it's so strong but not how i see a vortex, more like that succubus energy that visited me once, but much more powerful.
i am truely terrified.
i don't know why, how, but being terrified is actually good for me, it's part of fear and fear i understand relatively well. 
whatever this energy is, it has been hanging around for a while, and it has taken me out. i must confront it or it will kill me. 
once i have made this choice the whole thing seems right. movement becomes much easier and as i wander around looking for my lighter, candles, a space to work. i feel slightly confident this is the right action.
i'm glad you are there but part of me wants you here, this is our creation, we should do this together. for me doing things together is the most important part of any connection, i know you don't understand this but it is part of me and it's very important to me. but i've never done anything together, i'm always alone and left to my own devices when it's counted so this is just the way it is. at least you stay on the phone, maybe to call an ambulance. you protect me, but you need not bother, for this is something i will surrender to whatever lies beyond. i'm beyond protection here, it's all surrender. my heart feels so frail now like it's about to shatter, my whole being feels vacant as though i am not really here. 
i need something to alter my consciousness slightly, i smoke some weed and kill some pain at the same time, it's fantastic to feel a slight relief. 
i chose music, something indian, chanting to pull me in and out. 
i draw the whole vortex to me, it's massive and everywhere filling the whole house with it's power. as it shifts i notice it is not really a vortex and i enter it or it enters me. my movement through it reveals a portal not a vortex, a window into the universe and it feels very safe. no fear now, just awe as i see space. it's not just space but sensual space, and my body is moving through it. arms, hands begin to make intricate patterns as i swim through and finally dance inside. it's you and i, it's our universe, it's not heavy or dense, it's beautifully constructed, made of magick, made of love, made of us. you are everywhere, i see myself in you. no fear, no tension, nothing but purity. even my own insecurities banished like a infant in the arms of its mother. it's like dancing in honey, slow and rich, a different density that feels so erotic. whatever this is, pleasure centres are active and spiritual frameworks present as reality. this is holy, it reenforces the need for a sacred approach here, for both of us. i see that now. whatever this experience is it was ours, given to us as a gift, and i understand this is absolutely divine. 
madness is a strange term, i've known about people who practice these things going mad, loosing their mind but there is no madness here at all. it's completely coherent through a cosmic perspective  i'm not sure if the doctors at ward 6 would agree but they are in a narrow framework of reality, one of chemicals. i know it's not just chemicals. we are in a process of communication and knowledge, at the final phase where i need to cross the abyss. i have done this before, but never had it manifest so physical. never in a million years would i imagine you and i being this for one another. i don't know if it has ever happened before, or certainly been recorded. the event is monumental in magickal terms. i have attained something worthwhile but the hardest path is ahead. 
the cosmos has big plans for us. things are changing faster than ever, spinning towards something. i don't quite know why it is you and i that seem to be so entangled and then thrown upon this path with one another but i do know there is meaning in it, destiny working. fate is a frightening thing, it's easy to walk away from, run. hide from it. i feel myself moving through, laughing out the other side. yes, there have been times i feel like running, a strange impulse, i'm not a runner but this whole thing has almost destroyed me. running seemed like self preservation but also avoidance to a calling, my duty to the experience we share. 
whatever that was it was something, it has significance and intelligence, it was for us, it was given to us. 
late night introspection, i am not really here anymore. half existing in reality, but the other half is transcended something else, my physical supersensitive half can barley manage in the world, the other half is pulling me through you. i don't know i even understand that bit but it's there, in you. do you know?
i wish we could communicate without words, our solace seems to say it all. i'm so sorry i caused this and yet it happened for a reason, maybe to teach us both when you make a spell for love you better hold on tight and let go at the same time. 

last night my processes kicked in, interesting stuff, i'm now certain the answer for us lies in atlantis.
there we lived according to a different principle, experienced a different way to be alive and now we are remembering. well i am at least, you seem to be there already. our vibration was different back then and our biochemistry reflected that. we were super coherent, integrated beings you and i. that's what i know, that's why there is certainty in my dna, we were nourished by an octave of  spiritual intelligence way beyond what's known by our contemporaries, there are exceptions obviously but few. 
i see now to reattain this requires shadow work on my part, through the debris of childhood, trauma, and the ego state that has presented itself to me in love. i will go there and bring back the information necessary to evolve. 
you were right about everything, i'm a slow learner but i have trust in your wisdom. 

back to moments. yep i like them as well, dancing around, different colours, atomic molecules of you floating around balmoral, i'd scoop them up and turn them into an ice cream, lick lick, mmm.

the world's in an orbit, the moons on one, the planets are as well and so are we. it's a strange dance, and most of the time i am in time with it all but these last few days i seem to just be in time.

i never had time tick so loudly in my life, i've always been free from it, everything i did was outside off time.

obviously there was work time which is vague and shifts around, i tell my brain i have to leave around an hour before and usually i do, i get there early and never really think about leaving, until i do. time never held a grip upon me, i never noticed it, never was influenced by it, never really lived inside it. then suddenly i'm in it. it's a cage around me, a prison. 

i have to break out and return to what i know is right for me, myself. where do i start, it's time for me to step out again, alone.

free from it all and surrender to the glamour, let it have me, do what you will let the good times roll. i'll be a free agent and do what i want to do. no longer caged by time, by my own mind and it's self imposed beautiful entrapment. it's time to be free again and face the consequences.

all i ever wanted was you, but i'm far away from that. and all i have is whatever weird thing it is you see in me to navigate from, that's what i trust more than anything, even myself. through you i can see myself but you don't know me and therein lays a dilemma. so i have to understand slowly, you will know me, and i will get to know myself.

from breathtakingly beautiful to agonising painful, that's the last few days slipping away. a great idea became a bad one, a simple start becomes complex finish and let's face it mission, destiny has been thwarted, you have been bowled out, nothing is what it seems and everything is actually a lie. those disinfomationists were right, the glamour wins, i loose, let's make it an elegant goodbye. i could really use a friend but there's no one in sight except my trusty old future ghost who just haunts the bones of the present me.  dead man walking, dead man typing, dead man in love, dead man in a deep fix.
my past fucks over the present, and the future burns up before my eyes like a pyre i recall from my life as a witch in the old days. oh here i am, don't mind me, a pawn in the game of girls. let's face it they are much smarter and ruthless than me, what the fuck do i know now. 
funny how these girls with abandonment issues always abandon me when i need them most. 
okay i have to do it alone, i get it. that's all i have ever done really, suddenly love comes along and i'm really alone.


i don't really understand this twin flame stuff, it feels like it's real and true but it makes my head hurt when i hear people speak about it. it's like a helicopter in my head, all these american voices going on about it as though they all know something i don't. maybe they do but jesus i'd like to work it out on my own than listen to these people go on and on. it's impossible to know what's what unless you feel your own way through it. why follow another persons path when there's one right in front of you. that's the one i take. 
there was one twin peak map that helped, it made me understand that i was not so alone in my experience, that there is something at work i could almost comprehend as navigational but all the others just make my head fill with smoke. the less i know about this the better really, i am a lone star, never really one for cults and groups and gangs. not a follower of anything.

unconditional love, man everyone keeps going on about this. what is it? everyone said to me dogs have unconditional love. yeah i get that but it's not unconditional is it? it's conditional that you feed, house, groom and care for it and take it for walks, let them play in the garden or park, be there for it.  those are conditions. 
i don't love unconditionally it seems. i want trust, respect, connection, commitment, honesty, loyalty, someone to be there for me as i would for her. all that stuff. is that a bad way to love. have i lost the game show? is my king in check mate? is my conditional love something i need to just accept comes from an ego state i have hanging around. okay what's the point of love without those conditions? it's perfect for our children otherwise it's just a word. the truth of love is in action, it is jointly constructed through two people declaring a love intent. it's a spell made in union heart to heart, soul to soul. it's a spell to create a joint life, a future a aligned with destiny. even divine time has conditions, so there is no escape from conditions, life is conditions, it works within, spirit has them, the universe is conditional baby. that''s why there's a feedback loop.
i lost the game i know that now. i have to be true to myself and you. i have to be honest and declare myself. 
you say you require unconditional love from me, that in itself is conditional, everyone has their conditions in love.
all i can say at this point is i am learning, growing and exploring.   trying hard to understand what you mean, what you are and why this happened and what i can learn from it. 

when my friend rings me up to tell me about how she has discovered her childhood trauma is the cause of her hurt i am rejoicing while shedding a few tears for her myself. she's finally found out her mother was neglectful, abusive and did not love her as a baby to child. just like mine, we were both unloved by the prime women in our life, which set us both on a pattern of being repulsed by people who claimed they loved us. yeah, i don't believe it when people say they love me.
ironically we found one another. 
the problem is not that our mothers did not love us, it's that we finally have an answer to everything. 
it is like a weight has been lifted and now we have a complete understanding of ourselves.
it also explains what happened to both of us when we were together. she's so upset about the whole thing and i feel very emotional because it really does explain everything that is unsaid between us. i want to hug and hold her but she's far away.
i remind her we have our own children, our chance to give them the love we were deprived off. she understands this.
later her child also rings me in tears as she is frightened and wants me to come over soon. the landlord is a dickhead and has demonstrated a nasty intent towards his tenants.
'tomorrow' i say, 'tomorrow, i will come and we will fight the monsters together.'
i tell her how strong her mother is and how she will keep her safe tonight and tomorrow, i will be there and we can laugh and watch custard pie fight movies together. 
it's so weird this has happened. it's so very weird yet so typical.
  

disconnected. fog clouds my head now, fills up my cranium like an early morning mist over the ocean it rolls in obscuring everything, all i think is possible suddenly becomes impossible, hope is extinguished, i fall off the face of the earth itself, gravity has spat me out. my chest rips open like the alien movie only instead of a small beast steam pours out and i feel deflated like a melting replica of myself. 
what happened to me? once i was fine, now i just feel completely useless. a hopeless case. i was really lost and found and now i'm just more lost than ever. i wish i could delete it all, trash it, burn it from my fucking hard drive but maybe i'll just use a painkiller. no wonder people just give up on life. it's so fucking disappointing. 
connected, my body is alive, energy pulses through it like warm cosmic radiation, fingertips tingle, head lights up with a luminous intelligence, eyes open wider and contain all things above and below. gravity slows down as it reaches me, time displaces and events occur within my radius that sublimate transcendence to a resonance with a sunshine groove. everything feels fresh and possible, life has meaning, it makes me want to play with my friends. 
what happens to me, why?

fickle fate, ambivalent destiny, random non action, the observation delineation between states of matter, being and antimatter. she is a particle, you're a wave, she's a neural connection, you're a synaptic spark both meeting resistance from the enemy. it's powerful anti magick magick, it works against the universe. it's neither here nor there, but it does leak into our lives, disrupting and leaving all of us vulnerable to the point we will only have one another.
this is entirely predictable yet it's very difficult to navigate for me, emotionally complex and i'm uncertain how to express it. all i can say is i fear that disconnection again, it's in the pit of my stomach and it makes me violently ill when i think about it, especially when our communication is fucked with. 
we are all targets by the adversary of everything we believe in.
i guess this is what i signed up for so i have to face the situation head on, as it folds over itself again and again. it's like being in the cake mix, from yearning to churning. oh well mission, get on with it.
i was okay this morning but disconnection blues hit and left me feeling odd, i completely forgot your phone was juice depleted. then when i speak to her she tells me about her situation and it's almost the same as ours. it's all making strange sense once i put it into the frame. it's deep karma, profoundly converging for all of us. 
i have to trust you will manage your aspects and i do have complete faith in you. i have to trust myself and i have great faith in that.
but i also have to trust she can manage this which is considerably harder however she has surprised me in her intuitive understanding of everything so far so i'm positive we can all move through it with integrity intact.
for me and her it's not karmic but contractive. we have unfinished business and i have to complete my part of the arrangement. but i so want you to feel safe about this whole thing, it really is the most important part of it for me. that you feel completely secure and safe. 
   

always asking, what does love look like, what's it look like?
i have no idea, i'm pretty new on this beat as well. i figure it's the uncarved block, a blank canvass possibly with a splash of sexy purple maybe it's an unwritten book called the deep fix. i have no real idea and feel just as strange as you. 
however i do know it sounds like this.

she's a piece of work, you're a piece of art. i'm stuck between two alternative realities as they squish together, me... stuck in the middle the shape begins to make sense thanks to some kind of 'us' philosophy and your applied opportunity principles where i can merge you into my strange world. i think it would be good for all concerned in some ways, i mean i could never have predicted this as it fell out of the blue skies just like everything else we have experienced. however all this time we assumed i would enter your world but now you are merging into mine and that equasion makes it ours more than yours. all three of us. however you should be aware i do not like weird squares or bizarre triangles, i like straight lines, from my heart straight to yours. so get that into your beautiful beatbox before you get any ideas.
the day was used up in the city doing my fave things with my people,  yes we checked out a few choice spots and i made friends with some interesting people, lots happened but the 'squishing' was by far the most illuminating and satisfying. i think we should 'squish' more. 

  

down on the beach in the afternoon sun she threw a few punches at me, violently bruised my chest and drew first blood. she's a lethal killing machine in a circle of sand, she's a femme fatale in high heels powered by a few months rage against the magickian, she moved like lightning and hit well below the belt, poked me right in the eye with her beauty and grace, i was already a dead man walking but when her knee met my groin i was not walking anywhere. 
actually, that's not true, my sparring partner was fantastic, a combo of martial arts and witchy woman moves, she did have a gleam in her eye as her fists hit my body but try as i could she was not unleashing any anger today, just that fabulous face and remarkable grace. wow, what a smile, what a sparkle, what a magnificent woman.
we wandered around, went for the best stout drink on the planet, met with another bowie nut who showed us pictures of bowie and him on his phone and we heard the beatles play their song, although she thinks that was just a coincidence. we had groovy conversations and deep thoughts, laughed a bit and relaxed. we didn't cook or eat the meal we both simultaneously had decided to make one another but we did raid mission controls fantastic fridge and pull out all the cheese we could find. i watched her demolish several pounds of lesser known red lanchishire, two barrels of south australian goats cheese, a tub of freshly imported himalayan yaks cheese, some honey blended south american cheese and a whole round of spanish moorish preserved fruit cheese. i did manage to get a raspberry on a cracker but ms mission is quite adept  when it comes to cheese platters. oh yeah she also left this morning with a family size bag of lindt chocolates that somehow found their way into her car. interesting lady. i love her.   

signal to noise
by 
captain mission

i started picking up the signal early, a lifetime of attunement and sensitive disposition had forged me into a conduit for the cosmos, i was it's agent in this space time and took my role very seriously. it began when i was very young, continued through adolescence and into adulthood but when i hit my 40's i began to work out the map. a transpersonal one, within a transpersonal one.  
i'd had a string of relationships with various witches, most were fuax witches but occasionally one would stand out as being exceptional. all of them wanted something from me. power, sex, assistance, guidance, knowledge, it became demanding as i attempted to keep something of myself to myself but each one took something from me and left me depleted, until i met wendy whom actually healed me. 
she hung out in kings cross operating from a small office, did her work upon me without the bullshit and left me feeling amazing. i realised there were decent witches in the world, ones that were egoless and operating on the same side as myself. agents.
years later i messed around with the plant medicines and discovered ayahuscia was the one medicine i was drawn towards more than any other. my first experience was mind blowing and confirmed everything i knew but needed verification. 
after many many ayahuscia experiences i married the plant spirit in a private ceremony, she was my mistress and i completely respected her will. she gave me my mission, it was true and clearly i was the man for the job.
later i was further forged and perfected my ability to resonate with creation. i could see it all, every possible moment and it's potential. i fucked around a little, got back into magick and hacked my way through until i found something i was looking for. the signal.
the signal is a difficult thing to describe, it's a transmission to me that is intelligent and nurturing, it moves through me, assisting and healing, it has divinity and a sacred element and it is a union of magick, ayahuscia and the universe, along with my free will. it is everything true.
it is anti glamour which is really just a noise. it does not accept the glamour as part of nature and knows it is the deception in the world. 
man has constructed a cultural barrier (the matrix) around all things  true, love and freedom are outlawed by demands made by society, money, fame, success, peer group pressure, constructs that have been removed from myself. i have no singular ambition to conquer or control only liberate those i love.
the matrix are constructs that inherently protects the glamour, agent smith if you like. banking, money, systems, pharma, war, most industry that exploits humanity, especially women and children. even art has become part of the matrix's weapon. most people in their ego states unconsciously feed the glamour but little do they realise they are food for the glam. it eats love, truth, freedom and magick.
it's not a conspiracy, there are no single group behind this, no evil organisation  it's not a duality, it's a choice. people love the glam, even i like bits of it and can operate successfully within it. however i serve a different mistress.
the universe has intelligence, it requires certain individuals to act for it and it assists them as much as it can. that's my signal. 
she was brought to me by the universe, a beautiful arrangement or forces all working in unison, except i was not part of it. i had no idea it would be her, i had no agenda at all, no idea this would happen. 
we both heard the signal but your life is complex and you can't choose. you hear noise. i hear the signal.
you ask me what does love look like.
i say it's a blank canvass, an uncarved block. it's not looking like anything either of us can fully understand but why try to define what it can look like. we sometimes both hear the signal, especially when we are together. why not just listen to it, why not just trust that and stop testing it.
what's real you ask. nothing is real. it's all made up in your mind. but step out from it and you will know. 
the spiritual war is very overt to me, it's been a lifetimes battle and i am just a solider in the army of love, i cry sometimes as i go and sometimes i laugh. my responsibility is to the signal and it's requirements. that signal is the music of the spheres, the orchestra we can only hear with our hearts and intuition, it's nothing to do with the brain or intellectual processes, these are finite pathways that bind people whereas the signal is infinite and goes beyond. it liberates.