i wake up to the sound of 'the blind boys of alabama' singing 'nobodies free' i grab a sarong and wander out into the lounge room, she's standing there flicking through the pages of modern privatives.
'what the fuck are you doing here?'
'well that's no way to greet a lady.'
'your no lady baby.' we laugh, i'll fix you a coffee or tea?'
'tea's good.'
i potter around in the kitchen.
'this is a good book.'
'yeah it's amazing.'
'not the sort of thing i thought you would be into.'
'ha well i've an infinite persona, you know that.'
she laughs, puts the book down and takes her tea.
she's looking good, and i tell her, dressed in some sort of asian dress with black high heels and a nice little necklace with a black feather. her hair is all elegant, japanese style, uniform. her eyes clear and green.
'i never heard this song before, i didn't know i had it?'
'i brought it with me, a gift.'
'for me?'
'yes.'
'thank you, that's very kind.'
i need to ask you something captain mission.'
'go ahead, i'm all ears, years of ears.'
'i need you to kill someone?'
'i don't do that kinda work.'
'no you don't understand, i need a metaphorical death.
'oh right well you come to the right man.'
i roll an early morning spliff while she sits back and tells me who the target is.
'he's my ex boyfriend, he's caused me a lot of chaos in my life. i need him out the picture. i'll leave it up to you how you do it but i never want to see him again.'
'easy, i'll write him out of existence.'
'yeah that would be great, i don't need the details, just tell me when it's done.
'i'm sorry to hear you have gone through so much trouble, you always seemed to have difficult men in your life, i hope i wasn't difficult although i probably was huh? being of infinite persona.'
'yes, actually you're the target.'
i catch my breath, reel slightly, wasn't expecting that, i sit down and ponder what she has asked me to do.
'was i really that bad?'
'you were perfect. i loved you. i love you. and now i must leave.' she threw down a wad of cash and some old photographs, 'see how happy we were.'
'your always happy in photographs, it's nothing to do with me, i never made you happy, i made you angry i think, isn't that why we split up?'
'no you made me happy.'
'i'm sorry, i guess i didn't feel safe then but things change, you have changed, i have changed, everything changes, it's been a long time.'
'thank you for the tea.'
i see her out, we kiss lightly on the cheek.
i boot up my mac and start writing.
.
2 comments:
It's sad when people we love leave our lives. There are always happy times and sad times. Being friends or lovers, that's what happens. The peaks and the dips.
No matter how much we stick together, we are all individuals. Parents are perfect strangers. Friends come and go. Some stick around in our minds forever, others we want out regardless of the reason. One thing can be nothing to you, but the entire universe to someone else.
I find that a lot doesn't mean anything to me. I'm just a drifter. Going with the flow. I've learnt that life happens around you, then you move on to the next one. I'm not sure why. But each life brings something new. Something old and something totally irrational that makes you sit up and question everything to the point where your bind goes blank, you can't see a single thing. It's all dark. We're all doomed to matter how you look at it. History repeats itself because no one learns a fucking thing.
And we're happy to do it all over again.
pip i can't believe we don't learn, i'm a very slow learner emotionally, very trusting and open, i wear my hearts upon my sleeve and often it's subjected to the arrows of those more cynical or bitter, i'm constantly fighting against this part of my own nature, i refuse to be defeated although i've come close but i have learnt that every defeat takes me towards understanding the universe has a plan much bigger than any personal drama. my role on earth is to attempt to be true to myself and i can't fully know myself unless i experience everything, even the painful bits. buddah says life is suffering and i think he was making a statement to indicate that without understanding the illusion of the things we invest in, life will suffer.
i have fewer illusions, the older i become the less i invest in anything outside my own inner self, and a handful of friends.
quality over quantity, history can't learn because we can only learn as individuals, that's all we can change to effect change, the rest is kinda like camus's 'the myth of sisyphus.'
we are all absurd heroic figures condemned to a meaningless task, fearing death attempting to live life to the richest possible way. his only choice is to imagine happiness is possible,
if we follow the buddhas wise words of liberation it is.
i truly believe this because it's better than living the alternative, in fear. i know you know this, sometimes we need to remember what we forgot we know.
Post a Comment