fat, bald, my teeth fall out in my sleep, the desert heat sucks liquid from me, i loll around in a damp sheet with the woman of my nightmares, dreaming about my other life, the one where i am a tall, dark attractive eccentric mage like character, surrounded by books and literature, with excellent friends and good quality shamanic medicines, but here i am waking up in this awful camper van, the flies swarming around some half eaten doughnuts and spilled coffee. the girl snores and snorts next to me, she's naked save for a tiger tattoo on her back. i look at her soft flesh, her hair, her lips quivering as she exhales, she has a lost smile upon her face and a little bruise under her eye from where i hit her.
fuck this i think and wander outside, it's still night, maybe early morning, the stars are out in full, a dog howls in the distance. i grab a bud from the ice box outside and sit in a deck chair.
'this isn't my fucking life.' i say to myself, a breeze answers me.
i close my eyes, let it wash over me, i can smell the desert, smell the dry heat of new mexico.
i think about my other life, the good one, i liked being that man, he seemed happy and content with his lot, ha, well he had a lot more than me, but i have her.
right on cue she steps out from the doorways, yawning,'what ya doing baby?'
she steps down next to me, 'come back to bed baby, i miss you.'
i look at her lithe body, a gorgeous creature if ever i saw one, a cute piece of ass, great tits and a nice face with big almond eyes, 'you been dreaming sweetheart, snorting and slobbering like a tiny fox, you woke me up, i came to get some air.'
she puts her arm around me, sits on my lap, her body nuzzles up to mine, she kisses me with her fat lips, i smell her body and inhale deeply, it's good.
'i'm sorry i whacked you sweetheart, you know i got a short fuse.'
'shhh, baby i love you so much, come back to sleep.' she's kissing my cheeks now, licking my face like a little puppy.
'what ya doing out here anyways?'
what do i say, 'i'm thinking about my other life, the one that evaded me.'
'ha baby there's no other life, just this one with me baby, come back to bed.'
her hands start to wander, that other me, he didn't have a girl like her, he just lived on his own, with his dog, and his fucking stupid books, i'm the lucky one, i got this little bitch and she loves me. i stand up slowly carring her in my arms, she's looking at me all dreamy, 'where we going baby?'
'i'm gonna take you places you ain't ever been sweetheart, you're gonna get some dawn loving.'
she giggles, her hair spills across her face as i step into the van and throw her onto the bed. i wish i had a bag of coke but we ain't got the cash for that anymore, but with a little coke i can go a long way, and she loves that shit, yeah maybe i should just slap her around a bit more, she loves that to.
she's laughing now and i'm smiling, the little bitch tries to wrap herself up in the sheet but i'm to quick, i clamber on her, she's smiling all coy, reading my mind, my fat flesh weighs down upon her crushing her.
i'm a clumsy lover, brute force, no technique, but i enter her and start thrusting like a selfish male beast, my other life has all the sexual stuff down pat, he's the lover, me i'm just a brutal stone age ape, i don't care much for giving pleasure.
it's over faster than she would have liked, i know she's unsatisfied and she makes out how good it was for her, lies told like the truth, i don't care, i'm a spent force, suddenly i want her to disappear, i feel the impulse to hit her again but i just roll away and shut my eyes.
i sink into dreams, there he is, my other self, he's playing a guitar, really badly, he sings strange words about the end of the world, he's a strange man, a mystic, how can i be connected to him, i see his home, spilling over with books, there's that dog sleeping on a sofa, curled up, i can hear his music, it's strange like from a far away place, tribal, there's a lot of feathers and crystals, i can see a black mirror, hear some one chanting, a ritual, there he is again, all dressed in black, he's a better version of me, slimmer, he has a shaved head, a strange beard, he has a tortured look upon his face, is it pain, no wait, it's not pain i think it's just a deep melancholia, a sadness so profound, where does that shit come from, like an opium adict or an ex junkie. i drift through the space, the room, his home is filled with books they are everywhere, papers, it's messy and cluttered, i can see scarves, musical equipment, microphones, an alter, that mirror, black and opaque, it's circular, i close in upon it and suddenly i see myself.
i wake up, eye's wide open, i'm shivering despite the heat, i wake her up.
'i had a nightmare.'
'go back to sleep baby, it's okay.'
'i can't, you don't understand.'
'it's just a dream.'
'no. no it's not.'
she wraps her arms around me, i unwrap them and look at her, not knowing if i can trust her, but i have to talk to some one, my heart pumps loudly, filling the room, like edgar allen poe i think, but where does that thought originate, i have never read edgar allen poe, sure i heard about him at school but i never read him, how would i know it's like edgar allen poe.
a clammy fear hits me, she's looking at me worried, she's speaking but i can't hear the words, i can see her lips moving, her eyes all soft focus, 'don't worry' she says, then she's saying something else, what she saying, my ears are pounding, throbbing.
'don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, it's the deep fix.'