dinner with leanne and evan is wonderful but they intervene on my heath and make me visits the doctor due to my terrible cough,
and like all things involving my health i end up in hospital where the gp tells me i have an asthmatic condition that requires a puffer. so armed with the puffer i head home, drink some cough mixture with codine in it and for the first time in ages sleep brilliantly.
i wake at ten am, walk the dog, chat with the beautiful nico on the phone, then head to cupcakes to see the 'joan rivers' movie which is very good, a documentary that spends a year with her following her around, it's worth seeing.
then follows a conversation we have about out history, miss cupcake says, she can't remember anything bad happening.whereas i have a lost memory of something really bad happening but i don't know what it is.
we also retrieve a memory of a trip to canberra together, i know we went but can't recall anything but cupcake has a brilliant mind and recalls key elements. listening to brian eno, stopping for food, the name of the hotel we stayed in, i dimly recall the hotel being a motel, and a general feeling of something but it's so amorphous, i don't know what it is.
actually i'd really like to know more about that relationship, yet part of me feels like whatever happened back there is best forgotten, the past makes no difference to me. i never dwell there unless i am writing about it. cupcake recalls our trip to paris, i recal some of that, looking for hot chocolate, eating some food here and there, buying a fake pistol for her dad.
i wish i understood what happened to us, why we split up, she says we didn't really split up and that it was a good relationship. i just can't remember, it's like a massive black hole but i recall a feeling i had, and it was a feeling of love, i loved her very much and suddenly something bad happened. it's lost to me. but here we are 10 years later, full cycle and i love her very much so go figure.
this type of weirdness runs through my life.