looking for patterns recognition, my mind is the space between the dots, my sensory system is highly intuitive, i'm a specialized in a society that rejects my gifts, i use words, my writing to seek the clue, it's all unconscious, everything, the magickians tools, i dive deep, see how i seek death, here there and everywhere, my own death is like a beautiful peace, in words metaphor i write my way towards it, because it turns me on, more than life now, but i am in love with life, i have found a handful of people that i love and want to be with, the manifestations of my heart are really beautiful and all so different, yet together they see me as complete. do you understand this?
do i?
yes i think i do, to be perceived by many whom i have let in close to me i am revealed to myself, quality over quantity, although they only see through the prism, never really getting the full multi dimensionality i inhabit, but slowly all things converge and soon even myself will become something i can know is true. it is only through this alchemy that i can be set free.
i see in previous posts how i write my way out, how what i write invariably happens on one level or another, how unresolved i am, past actions catch me unaware, my response to my own inadequacies is terrible and extreme and unpredictable because there is a discrepancy between what i know of myself and what is. all magick backfires unless you are fully conscious.
when i find myself clutching my chest, knelling over and falling, strange clammy skin and a vice like constriction around my invincible heart i immediately think i am having a heart attack. being stoic and some what anti medical i deny the whole thing only now to discover i have a 'kink' in my heart valve.
how strange, how very strange yet on one level how else could my truth manifest.
in the heart.
my mirrors are my teachers, my mirrors are all female, they are legion reflecting my own nature, this is my process now, the one that i can trust, despite the shock and awe, i am true to this, i have no choice, i have a prime directive to understand myself through them.
physician heal thyself, that is my course of action.
who are my mirrors
miss cupcake for her brutal truths and then the joyous simplicity of just being, for she is kali in all her magnificence, i love her so very much just for who she is. if she could only discover her own power as a goddess. one day i would tell her, but i fear she would hate me even more than she does and that would kill me.
hp for kuain yin and the vine, what can i say hp, we broke through the maya, you and i we are travelling companions, you know me almost better than any one on the planet including myself occasionally, i can't tell you how much you mean to me.
agent stone for green tara, achelois, with you i feel safe and your gentle guidance towards understanding my strange identity.
nico, you are currently undefined to me but i know who you to me are already, we go back lifetimes, its all very good with you, very good and getting so much better. what you reflect back to me is really beautiful and true.
i am unafraid of death. all death is metaphorical.
i would like to see my son though. i have no words to say to him he does not know. maybe just a reminder, 'find out who you are and stay true to that.'
now i am through with writing may way out, i want to write my way in.