ah can i please close my eyes and fall asleep, drift into my nocturnal dreamlike existence that i have come to treasure, no morpheus remains elusive tonight, instead my brain starts cranking, hijacked like a hyper speed space ship awakening it propels me through light itself, through these bounded things towards the unbounded probability. it is probably that everything will change, i am ridiculously happy. moments like this don't last.
once a wise old soul said to me that once in a blue moon i will undergo a complete psychic fragmentation and regeneration, at the time i was a mess, my girlfriend took me to see him as no doctor would touch me. he explained that this is a process i have to go through occasionally in my life and all part of my evolution and i took him at his word. even at a young age i was aware that i should not invest all my belief in one system of defining health and the traditional science based ones rejected me first. he said these transitions occur the way a snake sheds a skin, a phase of growth, mmm, but sometimes i feel like i am going backwards, like a train that is sitting still while the train next to it moves you are displaced from the normal and momentarily feel like you are going backwards.
anyways the thing about all that is energy is cruising through my body, i watch tv, dvds, listen to music, play on my computer, i try writing a song, i walk the dog.
at 2am i'm looking for food, overwhelmed by a need to eat. what the hell is wrong with me i think when i find myself eating dukkha without any bread at all, just raw.
i sleep for 4 hours, awaken late, meet my friend hp for a chat, she reassures me. that's what i need today. i have moments of insecurity. i get them. i'm suddenly feeling very insecure but it only takes someone to believe in me and i'm fine. thanks hp. you're an awesome individual. just awesome. it's funny really i believed in you while you resisted and now years later when i need it, you believe in me.
how strange that the key to all my friendships and relationships with people and the universe is based around belief, it's the magickians truth i guess.
the day seems slow, i'm in dreamtime now, it comes naturally that twilight area, waking sleep, half dreaming and half in maya, i consider my options.

i need some sleep and a decent meal, i need to shake off this state, i don't like these fragmentations, they always come when i am at my happiest. thankfully they don't last to long.