trouble with redheads
by
captain mission

i trained a little monkey once to crack nuts with a hardback volume of Harlots Ghost by Norman Mailer, it was in a country with a hot climate, the monkey was a spider monkey whose name was bill but i called him junky because he was addicted to smoking cuban cigars and the occasional snort of coke which eventually led to a heroin habit. i won him in a poker game, my first and last game, poker's not something i particularly enjoy, to many serious faces, anyways we lived in a shack by the indian ocean and over the weeks i taught him how to crack nuts for me, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
at nights i'd be fucking Lara, the girl down the street, but after junky had finished his duties he would chop up a line or two and then go on his nocturnal little habitual break and enter missions. he was a natural villain, a kinda shifty crook who would have fitted in with the artful dodger and the london street urchins, but i think he was to much of a loner, bit like me perhaps. anyways he'd sneak into people's cabins and steal their booze, get loaded on pharmaceutical drugs he'd find in bathrooms and stumble back in at the crack of dawn, sleep for 4 hours then wake ready to crack nuts in the shade of a palm. Junkie the Monkey and i were good friends, we had a mutual understanding, i never judged him for his vices and he never questioned my sexual exploits. you gotta respect that in any primate, yeah?


once, when i lived in the jungle with that heroin crazed monkey junkie we were traveling along up river, junky rolling spliffs on his pot belly like a hairy production line with his dexterous hands and permanent grin and me reading my book, the sun was beating down high above, its rays searing on our naked backs, my eyes protected by a wide brimmed hat while junky wore his trendy but tacky ray bans. our guide a local pygmy was telling me to keep low, we were traveling through hostile lands where cannibalism was the norm, apparently the son of a wealthy american industrialist had been taken many years ago causing a media exposure of the area and such disappearances where not uncommon amongst travelers.
in my arrogance i was telling our responsible guide that i was impervious to any form of cannibalism due to my alkaline diet based upon high ingestion of seaweed. my girlfriend at the time however was a carnivore and took precautions, hiding below in the cabin.
gradually around dusk i could feel the presence of eyes. when you fall under the gaze of eyes its a feeling that is indescribable, especially in an environment like the jungle where the eyes are blended in like camouflage. the sensory system is acute but the logic and mind is trapped by the paradox, it's just paranoia the brain screams as it attempts to drown out the primal survival mechanism.
fortunately i had always trusted my instincts and i reached for my pistol, an old colt browning.
discretely i kept my face buried in my book, which by the way was not Conrad, but PKDs 'do androids dream of electric sheep', i never really liked Conrad's style that much, anyways one eye on the page, admiring PKD's nonchalant attitude to drug use in the future, one scanning the bushland either side. I discretely attempted to get Junky to fetch the other guns but he was in some sort of weird semi comatose smack induced state with his cigar hanging out of his mouth and ray bans just dangling on the end of his nose, some awful spluttering snort as he snored.
i told my girl friend to bring up the guns and ammo instead, which she did, then i told her to stay below as she was a carnivore therefore her flesh would be supreme meat for the natives, my logic based upon my romantic and youthful idealism, somewhat naive in retrospect. I knew they would attack at night and i also knew we could not risk landing ashore, therefore i steered somewhere between the banks in the centre of the river.
then out from nowhere as if be magick a dart appeared on the helm and almost as silently and stealth like another. I worked out by its angle of impact where it had come from and fired a warning shot. the sound was echoed across the river and in response came a massive cacophony as various animals and things must have reacted to this strange intrusive noise. under cover of darkness i lay low, one arm steering the other looking for signs of life. My girlfriend seemed to be praying, a side of her i had no idea even existed, our guide had taken the strange option of making a swim for it despite the deadly pirañas while junky seemed to be out of it, despite the noise, with a weird transcendental grin upon his ugly face. when the jungle returned to its bug sound another noise seemed to rise from the depths, it was a spear cutting through the warm air. It landed right next to me on the deck. I stood up and pulled it from the side of the boat. Holding it over my head i snapped it in half in defiance. Junky seemed to stir.
How could these jungle people see anything was a mystery but their eyesight was pretty good despite the cover of night. Then i realized we should turn the lights off.
The next thing i saw was a needle or spike enter my chest and as i pulled it from my breast i fell and everything dissolved.
When i awoke from a dreamless dark place i found myself tied to a pole hanging upside down, i could see the jungle floor barely and if i attempted to move my head i could see tiny feet and painted dark skin. i attempted to talk, to shout, but no sound could escape my lips, hours seemed to pass in this awful uncomfortable state, the sun rose but gave no further illumination to my situation. i was wondering where my gun was, then i thought about my companions, the cute little religious girlfriend, we had only met a few months ago, things were looking so promising. and junkie, he was a slippery beast, he would have slipped away.
Eventually we stopped. My body was disoriented i could feel many hands, tiny hands touching my head, my chest and legs, i could see these small eyes, hear this strange chatter chatter and squeaks and clicks and vague hand gestures. i think i caught a glimpse of soft white skin, i heard her cry out, then silence.
Now everything was still. I looked around and saw we were in some sort of enclosure. My girlfriend had been stripped naked, she was painted in black and red designs. She was sobbing.
'Where's junky?' i yelled attempting to control the hysteria.
What i was actually thinking, was where is that fucking primate i want to shoot him before i die for abandoning us.
The girl just shook her head and screamed further.
I was resigned to struggle with the binding that held my arms to the post.
Hours later i managed to feel the knots and ties loosen, not enough but it was getting there. As i concentrated i and wriggled my hands i could see my girlfriend being led into a large hut by the women of the tribe, they carried her carefully and stroked her in that feminine way, at least she stopped screaming for a while, she was giving me such a headache i would have killed her myself.
About an hour later they emerged from the tent, the women huddled together, giggled and bore platters of fruit and nuts and jungle food, while the men all watched from a distance.
One by one they came towards me and knelt down at my feet, they placed, rather delicately their offerings and beckoned approval.
'Where's the girl?' I demanded but they never once acknowledged my question, just smiled and pointed at their offerings. I looked towards the range of fruits, nuts and berries and fixed my stare upon the only recognizable shape there, a banana. The girls looked approvingly and quickly started chattering amongst themselves, i couldn't help but noticed the way they groomed one another. Then one of the younger ones stepped towards me and slowly peeled the skin from the fruit and broke of a small piece. She held her tiny hand out, towards my mouth. I was still bound upright to the pole but straining my neck forwards and down towards her tiny frame, i managed to clasp my teeth gratefully around the flesh. It was beautiful, not just a banana but there were tastes of flavors in there that i recognized, honey, cinnamon, maple syrup, molasses and cacao. I realized it had been a while since i had eaten and compounding my hunger was a deep thirst. However i did not want to give my enemies any advantage so i remained stoic and repeated my question,
'Where's the girl?'
Just then i heard a commotion from the tent they had taken her into, the sound of moaning and then a few moments later a scream that became more of a sigh. I gritted my teeth and continued to struggle away from the binds.
The girls giggled and ran away and then directly in front of me the tent flap flew open and out stepped Junky in his trademark ray bans, he chewed on a fat cigar and gave me a casual wave, his pants were around his knees and it didn't take an anthropologist to know what he had been up to.
'Hey Junky what the hell are you playing at?'
'Just spreading the love Mission, she's quite a girl.'
'You filthy fucking primate,' I yelled.
'Ha, ha ha ha ha he he he he he eeeee.' Junky's laugh sounded manic and deranged.
'You disgusting baboon, i'll goddamn kill you with my bare hands.'
'Ah Mission. What you think i used force, was a brutal lover like you, you think it was just me that arranged this little drama just for you?'
'What the fuck are you talking about?'
And then she appeared, all dolled up in her native grass skirt and strange face paint makeup. She put her arm around the drug fucked chimp and kissed him on the cheek. 'Hey lover, are you going to put out the trash or shall I.'
I could see if this got out it would be humiliating, loosing my girlfriend to an organ grinders apprentice, if i had my gun i'd send him on a fast track to extinction.
'Fucking hell Junky, you are my business partner.'
'If you wanted loyalty you should get a dog.'
He jabbered away for a while, gloating and boasting about his plans, some nonsense about an acquisition manager and some property in San Paulo, Brazil. Then he came up close to me, for a moment i was worried he may walk around the pole and inspect my ties but he didn't, he just continued his smack induced banter.
The girl looked bored now, she nodded her head as if to concur with Junky but i could see through her. It was only a matter of time before she herself would double cross the chimp, i could read it in her expression like a children’s book.
'Junky, you can't trust her, she's going to drop you first chance she gets.'
'Fuck you Mission, you piece of shit.' she protested.
'Yeah she loves me Mission. Your just fucking with my mind.'
'Nope. Man you don't know women. She's going to jump ship first chance she gets. You don't think a doll like that is gonna stick with a gorilla like you.'
That's when he pulled out the glock.
there's a point where death no longer fears you, its a strange area where the prospect of escape from the bitter pain of futile existence actually excites and keeps your heart beating as opposed to the slow death that life now offers. usually this type of experience is common in war vets, mercenaries, the traumatized or those who know that death is just the transition. looking down the barrel of a gun is like looking down the space time continuum, knowing that a bullet ride away is just a train station on a long journey, just like sleep, death is another country, another experience. junky despite his primate logic had hung out with me long enough to know death was not really going to phase me. he smiled, winked at me and put the gun back.
the girl was smoking a joint and looked upset, 'Why didn't ya waste him Junky?'
'Shut up bitch, go get me some smack and no cutting me short.'
She wandered of cursing.
Which left me and Junky in a kinda awkward cross road.
I knew i had the upper hand here as the problem with all these primates is they suffer from massive insecurities, especially around potential mates. It's the survival instinct, humans have had it knocked out of them, whereas animals are enslaved by the drive.
'She's gonna drop you like a hot potato Junky. interspecies relationships can never really work. You know it.'
'Actually i don't Mission. It's my first interspecies relationship. She said she wanted to marry me and start a family. Sooner or later a chimp like me thinks about settling down.'
'Yeah that's what they all say Junky. At first its all cool, hunky dory, then, just as you get all cozy and relax they're off. they need the drama. Especially a girl like her.'
'What's so special about her.'
'She's beautiful right. Nice shape, smart, the way she moves is kinda like an erotic wave. She's got good skin, nice big seductive sparkling eyes that lure you in.'
'Yeah,' Junky said, 'so what?'
'She's a red head.'
'Yeah, what about it.'
'Trouble. she’s big trouble, for you me any one who catches her pheromones.'
For a moment he looked at me all quietly and curious. The sun was high in the sky now, but we were shaded by the canopy, a butterfly flew around erratically. I could see that Junky had some sort of credibility amongst these tribespeople, he was a monkey of many means despite his smack habit and sexual deviancy that made mine look like a saint. The girl came back and handed Junky a joint and a small bag of smack. He passed me the joint and lit it, i guess it was automatic maybe muscle memory, I sucked in hard and enjoyed the smoke as it enetered my bloodstream. She looked at me knowing the seeds of doubt had been planted.
'Fucking hell Junky you should kill him. Let me have the gun, i'll do it.'
'Nope. Get in the hut.'
Junky mumbled something about Brazil. he winked at me then theatrically beckoned over to where the tribespeople were watching, one by one they went into the hut a little more solemnly than when they came out.
Junky took the joint from my mouth and said, 'I don't need the bitch anyways.'
He ran towards the jungle, grabbed a banana and swung of on a vine, the joint still dangling between his lips.
That was the last i saw of him although i had reports of him gun running in Peru and running brothels in central Lima.
Later i found myself freed, and invited to a special banquet in my honor. I ate and drunk and pondered what happened to the redhead. As i bit into a piece of soft chewy fibre i could feel something alien in my mouth, caught upon my tongue. I pulled out a fine strand of hair. Red. Trouble.