fifty, fucking fifty is half of one hundred, it looms ahead like a cliff edge, i'm travelling towards it at 12 hours a day, it dawned on me the other day as i used a pocket calculator to calibrate my age in this incarnation, somehow i made a miscalculation in my mind last birthday, i thought i was a year younger, 47 but it turns out i am 48, that's a year the universe stole from me, a whole year in the time it took to do a calculation on my phone, and let me tell you i'm not happy about it. that afternoon my friend recived a bowl cancer testing kit in the mail, i opened the package and these things spilled out, tube's, syringes, plastic sheets, some weird looking shit i've never seen before, wtf? my friend has a mental illness so he wasn't much help but later we found out it was a bowel cancer testing kit. i'm freaking two years away from getting one of these gifts from the jokers in tasmania.
you would think they would send you a letter a year before sending the kit, just to give you a warning that you will be 50 next year and watch the post.
i never thought about my age before, i always knew i was ageless, i never could recall what age i was, i just went along with whatever people said i was, once i was thirty five when i was actually forty five, when i got married i said i was actually older than i was and had to explain to the wife i'd just fucked up, i don't bother with these numbers, what a load of crap they all seemed, one day i told some one i was 46 and they were convinced i was in my late twenties, most people think jakob is my younger brother, what chance do i have of knowing what my age is when no one belives me.
i never really cared for the idea of age, but suddenly mortality has presented itself, this being my last incarnation. but 50 is an age that feels grey and sign posts the middle ages, i rather just skip the fifties and sixties and go to my seventies, at least i can be a cranky miserable old man with a neat walking stick and a cool suit with a sexy vodka soaked divorcee on each arm, but at fifty what else is there to be, some fat fuck chasing girls half his age, falling out of fast red or black cars, wondering where me yoof went. how depressing. just as well i recall a few previous incarnations and have a good handle on this one, i don't plan to incarnate again, the last half of the game is out there waiting for me, it's all looking good i guess, just came as a shock, out from the blue that ive been here almost 50 years. no wonder my knee hurts.

later agent stone calls me, i share with her my anxiety, she say's i'll always be 30 to her. amazing. i did it, hacked the past.