debbie
now it's the time. we had a good time in london all those years back, it was reckless and you and your friends were all looking for husbands, i was in your sights because a fortune teller told you i was.
you said when i first walked into that pub were you worked i made you look at me from across the room, that was not me debbie, that was our beautiful son calling us. apparently we gazed for a long time. then i started talking to you, ironically the only man in the pub not a biker, dressed in a suit, not drinking, not smoking, although i smoked the weed back then, not drunk, this was my local pub, the beehive a bikers pub. it was not unusual to see the police raid this place, drugs, violence, often i would get sucked into some drama there over a spilt beer, a girl, a cheeky comment but i had the respect of the locals so it never came to much except when it did, a lot of blood got spilt in that place.
you bought me my ticket to berlin, you encouraged me and i went, off to make some music with martin, those were strange days as berlin sucked me into it's empty void heart, i'd always been a tropical soul but that cold froze me.
nearly a year later you wrote me and said you were going back to sydney, i suggested you stop over in berlin so i can show you the city, which i did, all of the sights, i cant recall much of that time, except we decided to get married and left for london.
i said i'd live anywhere but the uk with you.
we worked for a while, jake was conceived, we got married in our lunch break, then we went to spain, caught up with stuart and carmen, i have a photograph of us all on the beach trashed one morning, i can't recall much except allecante was not a few hours away from where we were staying.
we came to australia, it was good, i inherited your friends, but i was always the odd one out, i didn't belong in that scene man. dinner parties and bbqs and talking with men about sports and drinking beer.
when jake came along it was like he had been more aware of his circumstance than i was, i recall that look he gave you at birth when he lay upon your chest, then he turned to look at me. he's always been the most amazing individual. i played home husband while you worked, i did everything to shape his nature, i read him the great books, i spoke with him about the nature of reality, we watched david attenborough all the time and cartoon time with sophie monk. jake loved woody woodpecker and i liked sophie monk. we would eat corn chips and drink ginger beer, waiting for you to come home.
we did well, i returned to a career and soared up that ladder, you were successful, we bought a home, it was really soft. i loved that. for the first time in my life i felt safe, protected. then like everything in my life it changed so dramatically.
the accusation that i had slept with some one, my boss, hurt me deeply but what hurt most was your demand for a confession. you left me.
three days later i drove to your mothers to speak with you, we sat in my car, and you demanded to know what happened. i told you, i repeatedly told you i spent my night with her but i did not sleep with her. you lost it, and started hitting me, scratching me and screaming at me. i didn't know what to do. it was terrible, all i saw were your fists coming to me, i couldn't feel the blows. so i gave you what you wanted, the confession, a lie, i thought it would stop you hitting me and we would then just get on with our life together but it ended everything. i drove home only to find my head had swollen up like a basketball. i couldn't even see.
she called me and i told her i never wanted to see her again, she turned up and i couldn't get rid of her, she put a frozen packet of peas on one side of my head and a packet of corn on the other. i sat there wondering what the hell had happened. the next few days i burnt everything in the big fire, i burnt all the wood i could find, tables, chairs, desks, chopping boards, spoons, i just burnt our whole interior. then the house was sold and i lived in glebe with nothing, not even a bowl.
later you told me the tarot card reader had confirmed i had several affairs with women. you chose to believe rocks in space and the patterns in cards over me.
i never really saw you again, just that anger and rage, it penetrated me but your lack of belief left me dead.
it took me four years to recover from that.
i forgave you before i ever forgave myself. it was my fault, i was wrong, i should have never of spent the night with my friend without informing you. i was younger then and marriage was new to me. i made a mistake and i paid for it with your bitterness and hate, you had jakob and made it very difficult for me, very difficult. but i understand hate now, hatred to someone else is the love you don't have for yourself. i've been guilty of that to. let's forgive ourselves and one another and celebrate our son who made us.