there are ways to attain the consciousness i spoke of earlier, there are steps, there are many paths, but we still have to chop wood and carry water, chopping wood means the practical aspects of reality and carrying water is the emotional aspects,. tonight i reached a strange point in my emotional aspects. this is a significant point for me.

things that occur on a sub atomic quantum level, effectively influence things that occur in a sub atomic universe. the magickian is aware of these connections and relationships, as they occur within awareness internally, the subconscious makes the quantum entanglement but the rational brain has no mechanism to understand it. as the mystic or magickian enters the universal mind, and returns with visions. the sufi, buddhist,cabalistic, shamanistic, all come back with archetypes that are recognised the world over. the symbolic reality is as real as the material one. it's all information.
once you have access your switched on, higher consciousness comes from the universal mind, often called god. smart drugs / plant medicines are a fantastic way to access this but this can be done by natural means.
we are creating our own evolution in a quantum universe.
there are many quantum dimensions, the snake is a representation of this one, the kundalini, the dna, belief in healing serpent energy must be controlled, it is very powerful and can send people nuts. these mystical and spiritual capacities lay within each individual.

there are many different dimensions, the goddess inhabits a few or maybe just one, but there are millions of others and as i explore them all. i ‘m an engaging sort of man, i like flirting and playing, i’m skipping through them all, spreading wisdom, magick and truth, i’m like a cooler version of jesus now, walking on lsd and strong weed, wearing rose colored glasses and a cool hat. yeah man, i break bread with the romantics, popes, high priestesses, the sacred whores of babylon, the consorts of the 1st temple, the ghosts of atlantis, my scarlet women, the magickians and shamans, the octopus goddess, the romantics, the poet philosophers the artists and the plant spirits. the hardest are the brain dead zombies, come on people i need some humanity. it’s in your hearts, find it.
it’s an amazing universe. beauty everywhere, look at the day, the stars, the ones you love, look into their eyes, it’s in the face of the dogs, th'e tails of the cats, it’s everywhere i look on your planet. earth, what a magnificent place. it really is the best planet in the hood, lets get it together and keep it beautiful.

some words passed in between us, holy things fell from the skies, as mothers looked for children's eyes in the faint recognition that they would see something familiar, something, anything. but these are not really our children. we are their parents.
me with your apples, you with my pairs the king of hearts and the king of hearts, that's all i have and that's all i need. my son once said to me, 'you will be a jolly old man not a grumpy old man.'
at the time i was a grumpy old man but i see his point. i'll never be bitter and resentful but i will have my sadness under my hat.
big homes stuck between the traffic stream and the horizons dreams one day the ocean will wash it away, one day we will walk this road again and you and i will still stop on that bench and watch the frigging dolphins, and one day when your happy you will remember the king of hearts. but the future is a whimsical thing and the wheels of time are not clockwork cogs but nautilus spirals
winding it's circle around us all, inescapable future, inexplicable pasts, impermanent now.
but in the meantime i'd settle for sitting on a bench with you looking out at the sea.

post apocalypse then, we hid under jungle canopy, you with your cigarettes and handgun, me with my sword, we lived on coconuts and swam together in the strange lost lagoon with the lima. every day we checked the perimeters and set out traps, every day we ate the fruit and fresh fish, we ran and chased one another like wild children, free and in love.
but there was always danger, as the enemy crept into our secret territory, their million electronic eyes, their satellites and technology, their strange machinery that made so much shrieking and noise even the lima who were all sleeping had to move away until it subdued. we stayed, tending to our defences, you with your feminine prowess hopping from branch to branch above, spreading nets and booby traps, me leading them into certain death.
when we looked at the mess, flesh had been torn apart, bodies ripped and mashed by our primitive but effective weapons, we took their clothes, guns, cigarettes and trinkets and left the dead meat to the jungle as an offering.
later that night we heard the jaguar god eating, the tearing of flesh, the crunching of bone, we lay under our blankets and listened until silence descended and we fell asleep in one another arms.
one day we noticed the jungle shrinking, we walked out to the edge and there was nothing but machinery, all the life was gone, replaced by a flat wasteland as far as the eye could see, from the red mountains to where we stood, all the jungle was being eaten by the enemy.
we held council with the lima, they were frightened and needed protection, they had heard the enemy was decimating jungles all over the lands, that their brothers and sisters had been destroyed, they had been deprived of food and water and the red plains and the endless roof were now just filled with bones of animals, a lucky few had made it, but they were homeless, starving and defeated.
we promised to protect them and that our little jungle would never fall to the enemy and their machines.
we fought long and hard, we sabotaged the machines, we killed many of them, we made intricate traps and we took many of their possessions, phones, watches, books, jewels and we returned them to the earth where they came from but they always sent more. soon the final battle came, the forest had been stripped away to just a narrow strip and the lagoon, the limas were either dead of had moved away, but we continued to fight.
our backs against one another as the machines came towards us, our bodies covered in dust and mud, i remember you and i stood together, as the perimeter closed around us, and you said, 'captain mission, it is a good day to die.'
and i laughed and said 'yes, it is a good day to die.'

it's not that i have no belief in astrology, rocks in space influence us just as much as the water does, magnetism and appetite, everything is connected, entwined in a cosmic dance, however i do feel that one should be selective when consulting people about their astrology. question everything and use your own intuition to determine the reality for you. there are many ways to interpret something, many ways to see, many angles.

i have a person in london i consult with when i am there, 24 years ago he said to me i was ruled by merlins law, '"EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY."
at the time i had no idea what this meant but now with clarity i do.
when i was in london i returned and got my charts for the year ahead, normally i would not chose to do this, but i have this feeling that this year was important to align myself astrologically.

debbie
now it's the time. we had a good time in london all those years back, it was reckless and you and your friends were all looking for husbands, i was in your sights because a fortune teller told you i was.
you said when i first walked into that pub were you worked i made you look at me from across the room, that was not me debbie, that was our beautiful son calling us. apparently we gazed for a long time. then i started talking to you, ironically the only man in the pub not a biker, dressed in a suit, not drinking, not smoking, although i smoked the weed back then, not drunk, this was my local pub, the beehive a bikers pub. it was not unusual to see the police raid this place, drugs, violence, often i would get sucked into some drama there over a spilt beer, a girl, a cheeky comment but i had the respect of the locals so it never came to much except when it did, a lot of blood got spilt in that place.
you bought me my ticket to berlin, you encouraged me and i went, off to make some music with martin, those were strange days as berlin sucked me into it's empty void heart, i'd always been a tropical soul but that cold froze me.
nearly a year later you wrote me and said you were going back to sydney, i suggested you stop over in berlin so i can show you the city, which i did, all of the sights, i cant recall much of that time, except we decided to get married and left for london.
i said i'd live anywhere but the uk with you.
we worked for a while, jake was conceived, we got married in our lunch break, then we went to spain, caught up with stuart and carmen, i have a photograph of us all on the beach trashed one morning, i can't recall much except allecante was not a few hours away from where we were staying.
we came to australia, it was good, i inherited your friends, but i was always the odd one out, i didn't belong in that scene man. dinner parties and bbqs and talking with men about sports and drinking beer.
when jake came along it was like he had been more aware of his circumstance than i was, i recall that look he gave you at birth when he lay upon your chest, then he turned to look at me. he's always been the most amazing individual. i played home husband while you worked, i did everything to shape his nature, i read him the great books, i spoke with him about the nature of reality, we watched david attenborough all the time and cartoon time with sophie monk. jake loved woody woodpecker and i liked sophie monk. we would eat corn chips and drink ginger beer, waiting for you to come home.
we did well, i returned to a career and soared up that ladder, you were successful, we bought a home, it was really soft. i loved that. for the first time in my life i felt safe, protected. then like everything in my life it changed so dramatically.
the accusation that i had slept with some one, my boss, hurt me deeply but what hurt most was your demand for a confession. you left me.
three days later i drove to your mothers to speak with you, we sat in my car, and you demanded to know what happened. i told you, i repeatedly told you i spent my night with her but i did not sleep with her. you lost it, and started hitting me, scratching me and screaming at me. i didn't know what to do. it was terrible, all i saw were your fists coming to me, i couldn't feel the blows. so i gave you what you wanted, the confession, a lie, i thought it would stop you hitting me and we would then just get on with our life together but it ended everything. i drove home only to find my head had swollen up like a basketball. i couldn't even see.
she called me and i told her i never wanted to see her again, she turned up and i couldn't get rid of her, she put a frozen packet of peas on one side of my head and a packet of corn on the other. i sat there wondering what the hell had happened. the next few days i burnt everything in the big fire, i burnt all the wood i could find, tables, chairs, desks, chopping boards, spoons, i just burnt our whole interior. then the house was sold and i lived in glebe with nothing, not even a bowl.
later you told me the tarot card reader had confirmed i had several affairs with women. you chose to believe rocks in space and the patterns in cards over me.
i never really saw you again, just that anger and rage, it penetrated me but your lack of belief left me dead.
it took me four years to recover from that.
i forgave you before i ever forgave myself. it was my fault, i was wrong, i should have never of spent the night with my friend without informing you. i was younger then and marriage was new to me. i made a mistake and i paid for it with your bitterness and hate, you had jakob and made it very difficult for me, very difficult. but i understand hate now, hatred to someone else is the love you don't have for yourself. i've been guilty of that to. let's forgive ourselves and one another and celebrate our son who made us.

shelly
you were so uber cool my shadow and yours made a perfect pair despite me being an aberration in your life, i left you for marnee and you were so gracious whereas i was clumsy and ultimately lost everything. i often think about us, we were great, actually you were great, perfection. we spoke the same language, i still have the modern primitives book and you still have my david bowie book. i loved that you were a modern primitive kinda girl, it lead me on a path i'm grateful i took. i hope your happy, found your girl, still off the junk and looking glamourous as ever. i think for some one who had the life you lived you had a great heart towards me. i probably broke it with my awkward complex entanglement, you were his friend to.
we never really fell in love but we had something pretty awesome that i'd settle for looking back. maybe it was love only i was to caught up in drama to know it. for what it's worth. i love you.

marnee
wow you did blow my mind, when i fist saw you in that tiny room in kings cross, the electricity just went nuts in that room, i could see the blue flashes igniting the small space, we were both in altered states, coming down after massive weekends, you in that amazing pvc outfit and me looking like a bohemian time traveller from the 20's, we almost fell into one another on sight, melted, i know you felt that, as i asked you weeks later, and you said it was the most real experience you had ever had, for some one that had been in several war zones as a journalist i respected that. we stayed in that room listening to the chemical brothers and then you asked me to dinner but we ended up in a movie, laying on big cushions entwined. i can't recall anything else about that night, only i had come to tell you your fiancee was going to a party and wanted you not to worry, i didn't tell you he was with a tall blonde from liverpool as he was a friend, but the issue melted away as we became entangled and it was a hard issue to confront as i was strangely loyal to him while betraying him. later you found out about the blonde.
we continued our affair, if was wonderful until you said you needed to marry him as you had promised him the opportunity of citizenship. this threw me, but i was gracious, it was wonderful that we had been given this opportunity to at least meet, our stars had crossed paths and i was grateful, you spent a long weekend with me at that big house in avalon, i'll never forget that walk along the beach. it was a long goodbye.
about a year later you rang me, i was living in bronte and left you a key, he had been abusive and you needed a safe place, and i was always the safe place. it was so wonderful to see you, i was always in love with you, even when you were gone i never stopped loving you.
i remember you saying to me, you would take me on a holiday to for a few weeks and we would work out what we wanted to do with our lives. i didn't care as long as we were together.
as we walked out he was there, calling out and i let you go. and he said all the right things, and you returned with the inevitable news. i let you two stay at my place, i let you have some room to sort it out, i lived at a friends and you guys made your plans. it killed me marnee. to see you go but i let go. no one should let go of the same girl twice in one life time.
marnee, strange irish asian cosmic eye's. your eyes were amazing, they held secrets i would have given my life to unlock, i love you where ever you are, i just wanted you to know that. not just your beauty but with that razor sharp mind and intellect, you had indeed made a mark, travelled, read, wrote, political, spiritual, warrior you were no foolish bimbo or any ones slave but you belonged to him.

i am not a creature of habit, i break my own rules and codes before i break others, i keep my body guessing, i mess with the mix, i push the limits of my own limits and i don't sleep much, i don't like eating animals, i love them, why eat them unless i have to.
man is the eater of all things, oils, minerals, forests, seas, animals, man would eat man and one day may have to, but i am beginning to think man is mad. in his endless and terrible destructive pull man has made his mark upon earth the sustainer, he has ravaged and raped her, he has dominated her and controlled her, exploited her like a bad ass pimp in a bright pink suit. man needs to recognise he is not man, he is female, the female principle. we must put away our ego, our needs and desires, it is mans time to serve the goddess.

madness. not really although many would whisper in my ear those words like you want to, but all i have is just a wider framework to look at the dimensional aspects of the universe and the way she presents herself to us. with a philosophical inquiring mind i rather explore this than watch master chefs on tv, it's not really a passing phaze, not a hobby, not a mental condition, it's been with me since i was a childe, it runs in my family, i come from high priest linage all the way back to solomon's first temple, so i am unravelling my code, hacking my own genetic imprints and now i hack the universe. actually one should never hack the universe although magick is a good mechanical technology it's better to engage and play, flirt and proposition, hacking involves an inherent danger and for many leads to self destruction. me, i don't want self destruction. everything is a choice, we do create our own realities, we do get what we wish for, which is why one should be very considerate when asking for something.
the key here is gratitude.
i am grateful and indebted to certain people and spirits that have assisted me on my path.
i remember what eckhart said, 'the only thing that burns in hell is the part of you that won't let go of your life; your memories, your attachments. they burn 'em all away. but they're not punishing you, he said. they're freeing your soul. ... if you're frightened of dying and holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. but if you've made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.'
it's time to be free

my current project is called 'snuff music.'
strange disturbing title but apt i think given humanity is living a snuff movie reality, i just wanted to write a soundtrack and offer my perspective, which i would describe as cosmic and in harmony with my mission here.
the narrative begins with a ritual i preform, summoning the presence of lucifer.
now before you all have heart attacks and start running for the holy water lucifer is not to be confused with satan. these are two separate energies, the church in it's infinite corruption managed to damage the luciferian current by mixing it into some weird and outdated angelic heirachy but thanks to a few good men it exist now in pure form and i invoked it. now invoking lucifer is not like making a cake although i do both with considerable recklessness. the preparation took 6 months and plenty of luck, venus was in the right spot and i seemed to follow it intuitively, thanks to my i phone application 'planets'.
venus is the morning star and the evening star, often mentioned in esoterica.
i recall blavatsky telling me, 'venus is the most occult powerful and mysterious of the planets, the one whose influence upon, and relation to, the earth is most prominent. being visible at sunset and arising before the sun it was called the morning star and the evening star or lucifer which means light bearer.'
i knew all of this but blavatsky liked to hold court and use other peoples ideas to fuel her own rise. i didn't mind, i've always supported the cause not the person. plus she always fed me the most exquisite cake. a reward for being a good listener i guess.
the pre christian roman’s first acknowledged him as an energetic force embodying the spirit of intelligence and love. his essence has been embraced throughout history by such luminaries as,
isis
adams first wife lillith
mary magdalene
john dee
isaac newton
and the ultimate luciferin hero leonardo da vinci
and i am sure there are many others.

it should be mentioned that lucifer is also the goddesses son, robert graves explains this in his book the white goddess.
each man must peer into their own soul and find their answers, we must face the adversary within, only by over coming our own darkness are we free to see lucifer in clear light. though he is cast before us as an obstacle his purpose is to guide us and give us strength. the magickians power comes from love and will, love does illuminate and will directs but one also needs a flexible mind, after all a witch is just a rebel in physics (thanks pete) and my applications of quantum magick use incredibly intuitive strategies and a process i can only preform as there are no boundaries when i enter this space, everything happens, everything potentially occurs, i just ride the out come probability wave i want without actually wanting it. and here i was wandering through humanity with lucifer who i have to say was remarkably sensitive to the lack of humanity we saw. the whole cd is basically our conversations, observations, and the warning he gave me, which concludes the cd.
don't depair it's a wonderful thing, linking to the mayan 2012 shift and planetary alignment. the news is good if you take a cosmic viewpoint.
anyways it's in the final stage of recording, it's gonna blow your minds.

when he had finished downloading his restored memory he remembered why he had fallen in love with her. she often asked him that when they were together ten years ago, he would always reply, 'because i know you.'it was an evasive answer but the only one he had, now he had specifics available but the one over riding memory he had, the one that floored him was that kiss. that first kiss had blown him away. he remembered now.

i wander down for the political debate and immediately i'm angry, who are these clowns, these unimaginative scoundrels masquerading as representatives of me, one is a very irritating and condescending lady with red hair, the other is a Johnny howard clone. there is no other representatives in this debate, in fact it's not a debate it's a press conference.
three journalists ask questions and the host extrapolates the answers. there's a worm, one for men and one for women. why?
what on earth has a control group in some studio hidden away got to do with me, it's abysmal.
gillard pops out a ream of figures, abbot does answer the questions and goes in hard, i actually like that about him, he offers clear and straight answers but they are very boring and lack imagination.
this is what's wrong with everything, no one has the imagination to just say, everything is broken, except bob dylan, so how can we expect people to fix it. politics is not the solution, it's the problem, and as evan and i said, if we were running, i would say vote for evan and evan would say vote for mission, we don't care, we just want to change the human control game totally.

later we tune in to a wild life show called life, we both love those shows and are very excited that this one is new. before it starts there's a warning on the screen, 'scenes in this doco show animals in the wild hunting and killing other animals that viewers may find disturbing.'
what the fuck?
on the other channels are crime squad show, death cop show, serial killer weekly and some stupid cooking weekly all equally more disturbing than nature. see this is the world population being dumbed down, sucked into a glamour, some entity somewhere just loving all the brain dead morons who cannot think for themselves, cannot see beyond the walls, cannot use their imagination to get beyond the mundane realities, the human condition is based in entrapment suckers so come with me, be free from constructed reality, live true, seek and find love, practise love, true warrior nature is one of no fear and when there is no fear there is only love.

as requested from friends, here i am hosting one of their products on my blog. i did read one book about a big house and it was very good, i'm looking forwards to the sequel, and i think they are a small publishing house helping new writers, with interesting ideas.so i invite you to click on this link below

http://angryrobotbooks.com/2010/07/lauren-beukes-and-angry-robot-are-in-london-later-this-month/

after weeks of listening to richard ashcroft i put a new disc in the deck, just what a beautiful sound goldfrapp make on 7th tree, they can even make a song titled 'clowns' transcendent, i've never thought about clowns in such a lush way, like being lost in a beautiful maze, a folky whimsy song that lets ya follow your nose to a beautiful space. i'm gonna burn this for miss cupcake and she can hear this lovely music. maybe i'll get to lead her down a lush garden path one day, in time. it's not who you wanna live with i understand that now, it's who you wanna die with.
i don't know all the instruments they use but there's some incredible sounds in here. just magnificent. on headphones it's mind blowing. i love it, get a copy now. happiness.

it's a hard life the authentic one, hard to just be who you are and not care what people think, i am authentic but most people don't get me, they fear me, threatened by a strange figure who stands out from the pack, often dressed in strange clothes like a olde vampyre or sub tropical ninja voodoo love god, these zombies have slept walk through their entire existance and i have come to wake them up, the message is the music, i am the herald of the universe now, the lone surfer come to earth to assist you, cosmic bodhisattvia walking among you all. occassionally i meet others like me, we know who we are but sometimes your earthly thing's the ten thousand, have their own gravity, maya has 7 veils of illusion, put the mask down and ther's always another, draw the curtain and there's always one more, until you reach the truth. and even then the taste of that kiss, the smell of her, the desire of a spinach pie, the glamour of your 15 mins, the pull towards some drama played out in your own life just to make it interesting, there's the catch, the killing joke, no matter how enlightened one is there is always the possiblity that one can be seduced by an illusion, so what tactical responses are there.
there are two immediate stratagies, one is to embrace the lie and ride it's wave until you wipe out, then heal and re commit to truth. alternativly one can cut to the truth within the illusion by challenging the illusion directly. this is what you are, you operate within this paradigm, you have no power over me. obviously being sensitive one can manipulate the diplomacy in statements like this, there's serious protocol risks by being to blunt, fragile egos and all of that, we do not want to damage people, just liberate them.
times running out human being and gone soon. make your peace with those you love and care about, prepare to die with grace, surrender to the truth. of course there will be people who emerge from the future, some call them survivers but they didn't survive anything, they trancended. the transended humans will have deep knowledge, they will understand why earth is very important, they will commune with the global brain, respect and honour it, and things will never be the same again.
but before bliss comes pain and this is why i am here. let go of it, you don't need it anymore, let it go, it's not you, it never was, it's just something you are familiar with and cling to becuase you don't know who you are without it, you don't want to look in case you see something you don't like but i see you now with the eye of my heart and you are magnificent. let it all go.

apparently there's a general election but the general election has become more of general boredom as our wonderful representatives talk each other to sleep and drag the public with them, it's puerile dribble, infantile mumbo jumbo, switch of the tv, don't buy into it, protest, smash destroy, yell clever slogans, civil disobedience, riot, cause havoc and mayhem like in the good old days, throw custard pies at them in public, fuck the police, and reclaim the (fill in your own clique here)

mmm, left wing right wing same old bird, and it's a turkey.
i'm thinking i should stand for this election but i'd rather sit down and chill out, i would generally just tell people to relax, smoke weed, listen to music, be creative and loving and just enjoy the nature we have while we have it, look at stars, see the beauty and wonder, men love your woman, women love your woman, or men, and men love your men if your that way inclined, i do't mind, some of my best friends .....
it's just so silly all this posturing around, my budget is better than yours, it's game over, everyone knows it, no one says it, except me and evan, we know, we know that when you fuck with nature and dishonour the planet it shrugs you off like it has done throughout history, civilisations come and go, many advanced technologies fell into the ocean, i know i was there.
by the way here's prefab sprout

old captain mission lays down exhausted for a little afternoon snooze, i drift off for a wonderful deep sleep and am woken an hour later by agent stone. i've known agent stone for a long time, she's a great friend and has demonstrated that many times. i love her and her baby who is blob aka kia.
anyways i could tell she was stressed, she's living down the street in a tiny place and i've not seen her for a while, so i suggest i bring over dinner and we share food. i pick up some noodles and stop by.
mmm, blob is in fine forn, he's climbing all over the place and pulling out all sorts of stuff from under the sink, he takes a sauce pan and starts some long complex and slightly cute cooking process.
'mmm make me some apple crumble.'
he looks at me as though i've uncovered his future, ha, i just see a little cheif there, he was very determined and looked like he knew what he was doing. i may suggest to agent stone she encourage that side of blob. he's post blob actually, he's really cute and makes a mean apple crumble.
we had dinner, actually i had dinner, poor agent stone was multi tasking, imagine that!!! she had a baby on her hip, a sauce pan cooking something baby like, a knife in her hand, a telephone call happening and me. by the time i left blob looked real cute.

okay enough, old captain mission moves again, this time forwards and sideways, he's a shifty shady character sometimes, lives in the shadows, his friends are magickians, shamans, high priestesses, jesters and pranksters, prostitutes, dealers in good medicine, and he is consort to the goddess whom he serves occasionally but generally olde captain mission serves himself, he is no slave to no one, even a god, he is a free and libertarian minded, he enjoys all pleasures of the flesh, the mind and the spirit, he takes no prisoners, he sets you free and liberates you from your own prison, he's a mad fucking man, he's like a marvel comic book, you never know if he's a good guy or a bad guy, he's just a guy doing what he does, struggling with mundane while hacking the universe, he is alone but he doesn't mind. he has his dog as a companion. pan.
you may pass him one day but avoid him, do not interact with olde captain mission, he will invert you, challenge you and turn you back. he don't like zombies, he don't like android women, he has exotic tastes, he likes giraffes and dolphins, he likes the gazelle as well and the big cats. he don't like the reptile women and the cows. he likes the bird women as well.
yes it's advisable to stay away from captain mission, he keeps his muse close to his heart, he keeps his demean hidden and he never reveals himself unless you smell good and are soft.

libby
wow for a tiny cute little thing you were the bravest.
you were real and i'm sorry i was such a prick, it was me.
fuck libby you deserved much better. and i'm glad you got him.
everyone i know always asks me still, 'what happened to that cute canadian girl?'
'i did.' i say.

louise
you were a seething contradiction paradox, you drove me of the road, you were the femme fatales femme fatale. we explored everything, nothing was left after that. you and i were unable to sustain any thing good except sex. but sex is not all there is in life. we did have a love in the beginning but it was created on a powerful bed of karmic energies, we never really stood a chance but we were extremists and the darker it became the more we dived deep, until there was no oxygen for either of us. there was nothing left to hurt. emptiness and a wake of peoples lives destroyed. it was not a good scene louise, i'm a different animal.
you told me your truth once, i always said there was something in your core that started your destructive tendencies, then after a few years you told me.
i wish you had told me earlier when i could off helped heal, instead i just made it worse.
forgiveness louise, forgive yourself first. it was not your fault.
you give your life in service. you have the fire and the commitment. these are what seemed to drive you forwards but it was never just that. i release you from your torment. you have permission.

meredith
i think about you often, we almost got there, it was to perfect for you, fear of happiness destroyed you, you needed your illness and i was a shell shocked veteran with blank spots like bullet holes all over. ours was a dark mysterious love, it was almost perfect
we were peas in a pod, two crazy freaks, doing our crazy things, womadalaide was fantastic, i loved the way you spoke to the flowers and those invisible people, we listened to the music and danced our own festival, we skimmed the night and tripped the light, and we got so lost, even though i had never been to adelaide before i found the way home with my radar tuned in to your tiny place, that cocoon in st.peters 7th street. you painted my name on your walls and we played our desires.
there was a dinner party there once in the garden, everyone eating and drinking while we huddled under a blanket, you had just had a seizure and kept drifting into sleep, then you woke up and looked like a cat, you looked at me and said, 'i wish these crazy bitches would go home so we can go to bed.'
it was very funny.
the bitches were great people to, i loved your friends, they were great people.
i remember the only time you really absorbed something i said was when i told you about our previous life together, you a jazz dancer in paris, you still were really, or you should be, that was the thing that makes you nuts, it makes you sick, that longing for doing what you love.
we went down to that place by the sea in a train, it was cold, the beach was empty and we ate pizza and looked like we were married on the way home. there was some drama, i can't recall, i think you told me that a lot of bad things happen there.
then one day, after you had a major seizure i flew down to see you, i was exhausted, i only had three days and i wanted to cook you a few meals and clean up your place so you would not have so much to do, i just needed a good nights sleep, i had been awake for 4 days, ready for the crash.
i asked you for something to help me sleep and looked at the palm of my hand, where you had placed a small white pill. my last thought was it's so very small, and then i woke up in a pub.
three days had passed, i just came into my body as if i'd been astral travelling, i found my consciousness in this strange pub while you fed me a steak. you said, 'i 've explained it over and over, and then proceeded to explain again.'
i couldn't understand why you were feeding me meat, i remember grabbing some red wine and draining my glass.
then i heard the story and i couldn't believe you. you showed me the papers, from the hospital. code blue you said.
i ended up staying there with you in that house for 10 days, we smoked a lot of weed, you with your post seizure condition me with my brain damage. we must have looked like a strange couple, chatting away, getting through the day without venturing out much, except each morning we would put our coats on and wander up that road to get our spinach pies and coffee.
my head wasn't working very well, but my heart was.
i don't know what happened, it was to hard for you, i must have been very difficult, everyone says i was very difficult, a cross between a autistic idiot savant and some one with turettes. i didn't know, i didn't understand myself, i just felt this incredible feeling and found myself alone. i was travelling towards a new destiny, i wasn't even steering the ship, i wanted you but instead i got....this.
magnificence.

olde captain mission up at the break of dawn, the terrible cold out here on mars, it's an awful day as wind roars through my house, i potter around, the phone rings, it's jules needing a lift to the garage, i do my best to get organised, i drive her to her garage and then we go for coffee, or tea in my case. HP joins us and we chat while captain missions roving eye notices two very attractive women with a pirate copy of the runaways film. i interrupt their conversation, telling then i really want to see that film. the girls on the table and jules and HP ask me who i liked best, the blond or the twilight star. 'the twilight star' i say.' if i see her walking down the street i'd just walk right up to her and bite her on the neck.'
everyone seems to think this is funny, but i am actually very serious.
i go home, it's far to cold and wet, besides i can smell garlic.

it's been calling me for over 4000 years, the whispered dignity, the statement that concludes all others, it's from my past lives, it's from 200 years back when i was a warrior, it's from my future and it's for now. it was crazy horse that taught me, showed me the way, or was i crazy horse as well, it makes no difference, captain mission is kinda crazy and recently i've had a sore throat, to many peace pipes. it was vision quest and two weeks on the plains of arizona, it was the plant spirits and the skies, you can't escape the expanse, you cannot avoid the revelation, i knew it then and now, as the cluster fuck is diminished and transmuted you return to what you know is true.
it is a good day to die.

it's a strange old time in the cosmos, the first 2012 alignment has occurred, i know this intuitively, something was happening up there last week, i used my i phone application to observe it. jupiter and mars aligned hiding behind the moon.
it's time to plug in to the 8 sky palace. the constellations should be changed, i have seen the giant octopus goddess in the stars. this is the new fabric of reality we move into. the dimensional shift is beginning to accelerate.
my new song is called 8 sky palace and i think it is the most important song i have ever written, if such a claim can be made by the creator. it is the first fully organic song from the deep fix, no electronics yet and i feel like i'd like to keep it that way. the music is breathtaking, and the lyrics well they may be some what 'trite' but they are important words which need to be heard. val with his genius transcribes my images inside my head into reality and he makes the real thing better than i could imagine.
it's time to tune into your intuition, learn the subtle, powerful art of non attachment. let it all go.
i am the universes herald.
just like the silver surfer was galactus's herald. i bring you, the people i love, the message and the only escape route.
and now i have to feed my dog. chop that wood carry that water.

everyone seems to talk about being, lets be one, lets just be, let it be.
even is. this is that, that is this.
these words throw us further from fundamental truths, nothing is being and nothing is anything.
the correct word is doing.
eg a stone looks inert as if it is being, but it is a seething mass of movement, atoms and particles vibrating at super high speeds, it has gravity pulling it all together. it is not being it is doing, and this is the elemental nature of the universe.
and by extraction nothing is something other than what it is doing.
language is a convenience. a consensus reality tool.
so next time some one says 'let it be' you can correct them, and say, 'let it do.'

earlier i said, 'don't mess with the universe.'
to clarify that today, i;d like to suggest that we play with it, it is an erotic being and requires feedback.
so if you are that way inclined enjoy the sexy universe.
it turns me ON.

don't mess with the universe unless you are prepared to be messed with. i have manipulated and hacked it until my past come back to me. i knew i could do it, time going backwards equals happiness, sure it's somewhat kooky but it works. i've attempted this over and over again repeating the experiment several times under several conditions, mostly i get very fucked over but i'm getting very close, my astrology is aligned, i have the flexible mind and i'm aware of my own ego nature enough that it can be destroyed at will. icurus flew into the sun and his wings melted, he clearly wasn't thinking straight. you don't fly into the sun you become a sun. it's the solar plexus, yellow chakra, spinning around and radiating, i need to catch waves and do my yoga surfing like the pre meredith days.

When I'm low, and I'm weak, and I'm lost
I don't know who I can trust
Paranoia, the destroyer, comes knocking on my door
You know the pain drifts to days, turns to nights
But it slowly will subside
And when it does, I take a step, I take a breath
And wonder what I'll find

Can you hear what I'm saying?
Got my mind meditating on love, love
Feel what I'm saying
Got my mind meditating on love, love

(The human condition)
(The human condition)

Too much blood, too much hate, turn off the set
There's got to be something more
When Mohammed, Allah, Buddah, Jesus Christ
Are knocking down my door
I'm agnostic getting God, but man
She takes a female form
There's no time, no space, no law
We're out here on our own

Can you hear what I'm saying?
Got my mind meditating on love, love
Feel what I'm saying
Got my mind meditating on love, love

[Check the meaning]
[The human condition]
[Check the feeling]
[The human condition]

Guess it's life, doing it's thing
Making you cry, making you think
Yeah life, dealing it's hand
Making you cry and you don't understand
Life, doing it's thing
Making you cry now, making you think of
Pain, doing it's thing
Making you cry yeah, making you sing

Don't say it, don't say it's too late
Don't, don't say it's too late (It's never too late, it's never too late)
Don't, don't say it's too late (It's never too late)
Don't, don't say it's too late

The human condition, the big decisions
The human condition, the big decisions

I'm like a fish with legs, I fell from the tree
I made a rocket (check the meaning), I made a wheel
I made a rocket (check the feeling), I swam the ocean (check the meaning)
I saw the moon (say a prayer), I seen the universe (and beyond)
I see you (check the feeling), I see me (check the meaning)
That's my reality
And while the city sleeps we go walking

It's a beautiful world
And when the city sleeps we go walking
We find a hole in the sky and then we start talking
And then we say "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Buy us some time, buy us some time"
Hear what I'm saying
Can you hear what I'm saying?
Can you hear what I'm saying?
Can you hear what I'm saying?

It's gonna be alright

it's late, i've settled in back at mission control when my friend jules invites me around for an omelette, not just an omelette, the omelette, let me just say now that jules makes the best omelette i have ever had. amazing. we sat around talking when her friend shows up and rolls a spiff, her friend is obviously distressed and in need of some sort of debrief, then the high priestess comes in and we start rolling more spliffs, it's pretty good i have a big bowl of fruit salad while abby road plays in the background. it's a nice evening and i'm exhausted so i drive home and sleep. it's very late and i can only think of one thing.

my thoughts today are with miss cupcake, whom i cannot be with on her birthday, happy birthday beautiful, but is with me in spirit.

i have taken a cheeky five mins out from recording, the deep fix is sounding good, with my final 'snuff' song, ohh it's going to sound great, you will be in awe, written on the run, recorded on the fly, captain mission and val have laid down the cosmic template, well half of it, it's going to require another day to complete vocals and mix down.
i must thank val's wonderful wife olga who makes me sandwiches, no one ever made me sandwiches before, she always makes me sandwiches when we record. what a lovely woman. vals a lucky man.

why look at the stars?
you are caught between the forces of light and maya, standing there tasting the illusion, pondering the wonderful array of constructed reality, what a strange curious thing it is, cars, girls, clothes and the promise of your 15 mins under a spot light. luring us into it’s glamour, it’s so very seductive.
then on the other side you have the big picture, the one that fascinated you through childhood, the stars, the moon, the perennial philosophy, why create art, where does it come from, what is god, why life.
this is a residual feeling you have inherited through several lives, you have been along this road for many years, heading towards the answers. each step may take considerable time, you learn that to move forwards you must let go, you must release everything, even your children and family, even the ideas in your head, even this one, even the need to be right. you must loose everything before you see what is real. only then can you say you know who you are. and that’s the beginning of the Truth, the one that stays with you when you die. that’s why i look at the stars.

captain mission has the energies, his body is restored thanks to some lumberjack cake and funky beetroot, how lovely. the wild forces are still wild but they soften slightly, i have passed on the total sum of knowledge in a tiny little book to my friend, i hope she makes it. i hope i make it. i will do whatever i can to help her. i felt strangely conflicted, i see you with the eye of my heart now and i know that i must love you very deeply and that is a sacred thing. this is the man i want to be, it's the man i aspired to be once and failed and now it is the man i am.

clusterfuck protocols

you will not know you are in a cluster fuck until it's to late, by then there is no way out, you will not be able to escape. all physical strategies will result in failure.
the nature of the cluster fuck is chaos which identifies two important elements.
the first being that chaos has meaning, significance and inherent order therefore possess the potentiality to determine an outcome that may be positive this will be perceived by pattern recognition, karmic quanta and vision. the cluster fuck must be determined with extreme prowess in ones magickal abilities, cluster fucks can make mince meat out of people unless they are prepared to act fast and embrace the challenge and the possibility that they will die. cluster fucks operate on all levels but predominately overwhelm by fear.
the only way out of a cluster fuck is to love it. sometimes you can cluster fuck it back but it's not advised.
the more it tears your soul apart, the more one must love it. it is the duty of every man to be a sun. this is the astrological imperative of evolutionary magick and therefore quantum magick. one must ride the light waves from ones source right out into the rest of it's creation for what else is love but light from a suns beating intelligent heart. everything is my own creation, just as everything is your own creation, even the cluster fuck, enjoy it, own it and love it.

i have seen the giant octopus goddess in the stars. she smiled down upon us. we have it's blessings.

now is the winter of out malcontent.
disenchanted with humanity i have left for antereis 7 where i will enjoy the pleasure domes and take relish in the narcotic haze of the colourful amusements and various other hedonistic pursuits with the native octopi people. i will cover myself in the purple ecto plasmic secretions and pay homage to the tentacle goddess and then i will probably have a long sleep.

i know you, i knew you from day one, before i even fucking laid eyes on you. i know you. your nature. it was terrible and beautiful at the same time, imagine the magnificence of that, the fear and the love, it was everything i ever wanted, it was possibility, i saw a chance for us and i took it because at the time my mission was love over fear. i set my sights high, i always do, it was my nature to aim for the stars and find when i get there they are long dead, it's my nature to return them to life. i am shamanic but much more.
you could not know what i knew then, you were younger and your experience was nowhere near my own, you could not see your self and how everything was reflecting, your own nature eluded you but i understood it, i recognised the cauldron of forces at work, primordial basic elements that contained the complex codes for the universe, for me, i just saw the potential and it was awesome. i never saw that in anyone else before like i saw it inside you. i was in love with it, i wanted to dive in naked, head first, in joy but i ended up drowning in my own misery, unaided by the dark forces that sabotaged whatever was left.
i vividly recall your last words to me, 'you don't even like me anymore.'
it hurt to hear them, it was like a cold long blade into the very heart of the truth that i would not accept.
for that short moment you were the voice of reason. they say the truth is terrible but it's a matter of perspective. the very things that trap you can set you free.
as i had tried to trap you you had set me free.
yes i know you.

here i am travelling faster than thought backwards, as it floods back to me. my son sent me a link to an amazing film, it's called apricot and i've put it on here for your pleasure. it really is beautiful and it's meaninful to me personally in a way that i can't explain. those that know me know why. i lost part of myself a while back and now i found it. i can't tell you how that feels but this film will.
i love you all.
i really do.

christopher hitchens one of my fave journalists has a new book out, memoirs called hitch 22, he has been diagnosed with cancer. i hope he makes it, he's a brilliant writer who is committed to truth not ideology. he was being interviewed today by the atrocious jennifer byrne who needs to really needs to lighten up with her weird trendy lefty sentimentality. i was flabbergasted at how she pushed the point when hitch said he would respect his wife's wishes to go out to work but would rather she stay home and look after the children, can't a man have an opinion anymore?
she wouldn't let him go, on and on she pushed attempting to find a chink in his argument, but she failed spectacularly. anyway i've seen hitch and he's an amazing intellect, i really hope he sticks around. people like him are a rare breed these days.

ha!
captain mission swims a few laps in a big pool, now he is in leafy st. ives sipping a nice peaky tea with his companions, they want cake but we are pushed for time, 'drink up men. we have business to attend to.'
we drive along rain drenched hi-ways, the clouds obscure the sky, the sky obscures the stars, the stars obsure the dark matter and as i glide along my chronoglide highway i pass through time, like a strange phycadelic proust, i was so in love with miss cup cake, when we split ohh i hated her. it's surprised me, i'm not a hateful person, i can't recall the details but i was heartbroken and really upset, something bad had happened and i can't recall exactly what it was but now, now she's there all soft and smelling good, drink and drug free, au natural and infiltrating my head when i'm trying to be clear and focused.
what's it all mean steve?
i feel a bit like julian cope did when he met you.
do you know how much i loved that story, it's really profoundly brilliant that he should ask you that question.
i'm grateful for the advice you gave me today, after much consideration i think you are correct and i respect your wisdom.
i once asked you about love, you gave me a brilliant answer that i will never forget and will always guide me in the future. so far i found a dog that loves me, i stuck by him.
anyways my future is unfolding, i feel i'm at a crossroads, i'm travelling at 1000 miles an hour down all directions at once. slow down mission, keep your eye on the prize.

old captain mission, strange enigmatic figure that wanders the space time continuum like an angel or demon looking for the key to unlock his expanding heart from it's jail, watery eyes, lips that burn, his strange oriental beard and defeated aura has experienced an epiphany last night, ooh don't take to many of those i hear you say, they are really bad for your kidneys. yes yes.
i have to move forwards now, zero in on finishing snuff, get some recording done while i can, the future is uncertain, there's no time for fluffing around, pretending i'm here for much longer, the countdown has already started, my cosmic vision sees it clearly, i'm already overdue but plant gods say no captain mission, you must stay and finish what you started.
my friend who had a breakdown is looking to me for guidance as she charts her spiritual growth, i don't like this authority, i tell her that she must become her own guide.
i am only my own master, yes captain mission can traverse the multi dimensional pathways but can he remember miss cupcakes birthday, nope, he is the original dr. when, picking up sexy assistants along the way, some stick around a while but mostly they can't cope with his jupiter and neptune like nature. only his dog knows him. he loved all his assistants, very much, some more than others, he loved marnie, miss cup cake and meredith most but marnie left him for another man, meredith went nuts and miss cup cake turned to stone on another world when we fought the evil warped and twisted beast known as zoe.
he remembers miss cup cake and him were very close, he loved her more than anything, he wanted to keep her as an assistant but something happened and he ended up hating her he is ashamed to say. but hate is a weird thing.
when he was with the assistant meredith she once told him, 'hate is just love' and she was correct. i learnt this now. i never really understood it due to a romantic glitch that's been deleted due to a healthy dose of cynicism and regret. i am full of regrets, how could you not be?

onwards, i'm back in the studio on monday, recording with val.i don't know what to record, a snuff song or my 'vermont girl with salad dressing', which i really like at the moment as it has a positive feel about it and nice guitars and radio friendly vibe.

the unifying field

it's a beautifuL gravity brings us together

electrOmagnetic force causes all interactions in the universe

the weak force changes the flaVour

the strong forcE binds them together

i dunno, i woke with a massive head throb, some one had smashed me over the head with a hammer and repeated the blows several times, i couldn't work out why. i really wanted to be on top form in case miss cupcake came over, which she did but she had a similar head throb as well. i showed her some art work and we talked about music and drunk tea but i was empty, my head just spinning in delirium, and i was left looking at the clouds when she drove off.
but what is going on, i get all excited around her, i want her to be happy healthy and look after those feet and i feel this incredible love towards her, but what does it mean?

it means you never really stop loving some one.

what could be more awful than a vampire in love, i mean the only reason to join the ranks of the undead is so you don't have to deal with romance and love, it's like the last resort foreign legion, i mean every one knows what bram meant about driving the stake through a vampires heart, it's a metaphor for the moment she crushes him with her rejection.
anyway the third vampire film in that dumb twilight series had me falling asleep in a vat of popcorn, come on, it's really simple, grab her and bite into their neck hard with your fangs, suck out all her life essence before she sucks out yours. and you know she will, for eternity is a long time. makes me wanna throw up.
mmm, it was put to me by a lady i know that i am actually a closet paranormal love story freak, and i actually like these movies, and for a moment i think she may have been quite perseptive.
i've never felt so vulnerable, it was like lois lane finding out clark kent is superman, this woman nailed me and not with a stake.
i confess i'm a sucker for goth girls and that passion, being a kind of olde skool goth myself. i don't like that undead look though, makes me wanna feed them soup and take em somewhere tropical with coconuts and hula girls but i do love that dark velvet fetish look and sultry eye make up, i like old castles candles and intrigue, i love that the deep fix are actually signed to sydneys only gothic label, and i like that i have a gothic sentimentality.
yeah it's true i belive in love, just not long drawn out dramas, it's love or it ain't. now bella the little high skool girl is caught between jake the testosterone werewolf and norris the vampire teen, of course she chooses the vampire, what else is a girl to do, despite the natural lifestyle of the wolf, the vamp has the magnetic sex thing is clean shaven and wears nice boots. however i think there's an obvious homo-erotic sub text happening in this story and the film would have been much more satisfying if the males had dumped the girl after consummating their secret passion in the snow bound tent.
she could have become a nun or something, last scene an ald woman in a monastery telling the new nuns why she is there. imagine that, a great ending. instead we get another drawn out drama of bloody indecisiveness and nonsense.

my friend miss cupcake got a new car today, a mini with an s. it's very nice and they look great together, it's a nice car, really lovely and so is she, well she's not actually a car but you know what i mean.
her other car was a transformer that magickally manifested cardboard boxes even when you don't want one. it was a nice colour to.

apparently there is a psychic octopus predicting all the winners in the world cup. see they are smarter than your average fish, they know what the future holds, they have eight arms or legs, they have a beak, they can squeeze into gaps and radiate light waves that hypnotize their prey, i tried that in a bar once with a girl from denmark, i undulated and sent out waves of purple and red lights but she just threw her drink over me and called me a whacko. '
mmm, wait till you see my tentacles i thought.'
anyways, once they get that dna shop open i'm going in for some octo dna, yeah i'll skip the beak but i want the light show gene, i wouldn't mind a few suckers as well.

walking down the street a woman runs up to me, 'captain mission,' she says all outta breath,'i had a dream about you last night it was amazing.'
'if i had a dollar for every time i heard that.'
she laughed,' it was incredible, we were standing by these sand dunes, and you said look at this, pointing at the wind and wave that was heading towards the earth, it was magnificent and we watched the earth just fall into this turbulence, whoosh, everything just changed, cities fell into the sea and the ocean flooded the land, it was destruction like you can't imagine, then you and i just smiled and you said, lets go and just flew away, and i tried to follow you, and i flew to. it was just incredible.'
'yep, that's me, wait till tonights dream.' I wandered off.
'see you tonight.' she says.

wow, what a great few days, wow, driving miss cupcake, looking for a car, eating ice cream and sticky date cake.
and we managed to find a fantastic mini that looks perfect for her, it was a perfect day except when she got cranky and short tempered, then i started to get scared. we have come up with a fantastic idea, it's inspired me, 'suburban guerrilla art.'

the idea of imps in folk lore abounds, also known as demons, they manifest in people at the strangest of time and in the strangest of ways, like all mental frameworks these are mapped and charted in the same way that psychology charts various pathology's and disorders. i always see them in people, but half of me perceives the diagnostic medical term, the other half sees the i'm or in a hybrid form the impulse that is at work.
each impulse is a reaction to certain conditions.
the best way to deal with an imp is to calculate if it's intension is positive or negative? if it's an impulse that depletes or nurtures you?
then if it's positive it's worthwhile keeping in your service but never letting it become to powerful that it grows in power, or if it's negative then it's worthwhile acknowledging it, understanding it, loving it and let it go.

trouble with redheads
by
captain mission

i trained a little monkey once to crack nuts with a hardback volume of Harlots Ghost by Norman Mailer, it was in a country with a hot climate, the monkey was a spider monkey whose name was bill but i called him junky because he was addicted to smoking cuban cigars and the occasional snort of coke which eventually led to a heroin habit. i won him in a poker game, my first and last game, poker's not something i particularly enjoy, to many serious faces, anyways we lived in a shack by the indian ocean and over the weeks i taught him how to crack nuts for me, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
at nights i'd be fucking Lara, the girl down the street, but after junky had finished his duties he would chop up a line or two and then go on his nocturnal little habitual break and enter missions. he was a natural villain, a kinda shifty crook who would have fitted in with the artful dodger and the london street urchins, but i think he was to much of a loner, bit like me perhaps. anyways he'd sneak into people's cabins and steal their booze, get loaded on pharmaceutical drugs he'd find in bathrooms and stumble back in at the crack of dawn, sleep for 4 hours then wake ready to crack nuts in the shade of a palm. Junkie the Monkey and i were good friends, we had a mutual understanding, i never judged him for his vices and he never questioned my sexual exploits. you gotta respect that in any primate, yeah?


once, when i lived in the jungle with that heroin crazed monkey junkie we were traveling along up river, junky rolling spliffs on his pot belly like a hairy production line with his dexterous hands and permanent grin and me reading my book, the sun was beating down high above, its rays searing on our naked backs, my eyes protected by a wide brimmed hat while junky wore his trendy but tacky ray bans. our guide a local pygmy was telling me to keep low, we were traveling through hostile lands where cannibalism was the norm, apparently the son of a wealthy american industrialist had been taken many years ago causing a media exposure of the area and such disappearances where not uncommon amongst travelers.
in my arrogance i was telling our responsible guide that i was impervious to any form of cannibalism due to my alkaline diet based upon high ingestion of seaweed. my girlfriend at the time however was a carnivore and took precautions, hiding below in the cabin.
gradually around dusk i could feel the presence of eyes. when you fall under the gaze of eyes its a feeling that is indescribable, especially in an environment like the jungle where the eyes are blended in like camouflage. the sensory system is acute but the logic and mind is trapped by the paradox, it's just paranoia the brain screams as it attempts to drown out the primal survival mechanism.
fortunately i had always trusted my instincts and i reached for my pistol, an old colt browning.
discretely i kept my face buried in my book, which by the way was not Conrad, but PKDs 'do androids dream of electric sheep', i never really liked Conrad's style that much, anyways one eye on the page, admiring PKD's nonchalant attitude to drug use in the future, one scanning the bushland either side. I discretely attempted to get Junky to fetch the other guns but he was in some sort of weird semi comatose smack induced state with his cigar hanging out of his mouth and ray bans just dangling on the end of his nose, some awful spluttering snort as he snored.
i told my girl friend to bring up the guns and ammo instead, which she did, then i told her to stay below as she was a carnivore therefore her flesh would be supreme meat for the natives, my logic based upon my romantic and youthful idealism, somewhat naive in retrospect. I knew they would attack at night and i also knew we could not risk landing ashore, therefore i steered somewhere between the banks in the centre of the river.
then out from nowhere as if be magick a dart appeared on the helm and almost as silently and stealth like another. I worked out by its angle of impact where it had come from and fired a warning shot. the sound was echoed across the river and in response came a massive cacophony as various animals and things must have reacted to this strange intrusive noise. under cover of darkness i lay low, one arm steering the other looking for signs of life. My girlfriend seemed to be praying, a side of her i had no idea even existed, our guide had taken the strange option of making a swim for it despite the deadly pirañas while junky seemed to be out of it, despite the noise, with a weird transcendental grin upon his ugly face. when the jungle returned to its bug sound another noise seemed to rise from the depths, it was a spear cutting through the warm air. It landed right next to me on the deck. I stood up and pulled it from the side of the boat. Holding it over my head i snapped it in half in defiance. Junky seemed to stir.
How could these jungle people see anything was a mystery but their eyesight was pretty good despite the cover of night. Then i realized we should turn the lights off.
The next thing i saw was a needle or spike enter my chest and as i pulled it from my breast i fell and everything dissolved.
When i awoke from a dreamless dark place i found myself tied to a pole hanging upside down, i could see the jungle floor barely and if i attempted to move my head i could see tiny feet and painted dark skin. i attempted to talk, to shout, but no sound could escape my lips, hours seemed to pass in this awful uncomfortable state, the sun rose but gave no further illumination to my situation. i was wondering where my gun was, then i thought about my companions, the cute little religious girlfriend, we had only met a few months ago, things were looking so promising. and junkie, he was a slippery beast, he would have slipped away.
Eventually we stopped. My body was disoriented i could feel many hands, tiny hands touching my head, my chest and legs, i could see these small eyes, hear this strange chatter chatter and squeaks and clicks and vague hand gestures. i think i caught a glimpse of soft white skin, i heard her cry out, then silence.
Now everything was still. I looked around and saw we were in some sort of enclosure. My girlfriend had been stripped naked, she was painted in black and red designs. She was sobbing.
'Where's junky?' i yelled attempting to control the hysteria.
What i was actually thinking, was where is that fucking primate i want to shoot him before i die for abandoning us.
The girl just shook her head and screamed further.
I was resigned to struggle with the binding that held my arms to the post.
Hours later i managed to feel the knots and ties loosen, not enough but it was getting there. As i concentrated i and wriggled my hands i could see my girlfriend being led into a large hut by the women of the tribe, they carried her carefully and stroked her in that feminine way, at least she stopped screaming for a while, she was giving me such a headache i would have killed her myself.
About an hour later they emerged from the tent, the women huddled together, giggled and bore platters of fruit and nuts and jungle food, while the men all watched from a distance.
One by one they came towards me and knelt down at my feet, they placed, rather delicately their offerings and beckoned approval.
'Where's the girl?' I demanded but they never once acknowledged my question, just smiled and pointed at their offerings. I looked towards the range of fruits, nuts and berries and fixed my stare upon the only recognizable shape there, a banana. The girls looked approvingly and quickly started chattering amongst themselves, i couldn't help but noticed the way they groomed one another. Then one of the younger ones stepped towards me and slowly peeled the skin from the fruit and broke of a small piece. She held her tiny hand out, towards my mouth. I was still bound upright to the pole but straining my neck forwards and down towards her tiny frame, i managed to clasp my teeth gratefully around the flesh. It was beautiful, not just a banana but there were tastes of flavors in there that i recognized, honey, cinnamon, maple syrup, molasses and cacao. I realized it had been a while since i had eaten and compounding my hunger was a deep thirst. However i did not want to give my enemies any advantage so i remained stoic and repeated my question,
'Where's the girl?'
Just then i heard a commotion from the tent they had taken her into, the sound of moaning and then a few moments later a scream that became more of a sigh. I gritted my teeth and continued to struggle away from the binds.
The girls giggled and ran away and then directly in front of me the tent flap flew open and out stepped Junky in his trademark ray bans, he chewed on a fat cigar and gave me a casual wave, his pants were around his knees and it didn't take an anthropologist to know what he had been up to.
'Hey Junky what the hell are you playing at?'
'Just spreading the love Mission, she's quite a girl.'
'You filthy fucking primate,' I yelled.
'Ha, ha ha ha ha he he he he he eeeee.' Junky's laugh sounded manic and deranged.
'You disgusting baboon, i'll goddamn kill you with my bare hands.'
'Ah Mission. What you think i used force, was a brutal lover like you, you think it was just me that arranged this little drama just for you?'
'What the fuck are you talking about?'
And then she appeared, all dolled up in her native grass skirt and strange face paint makeup. She put her arm around the drug fucked chimp and kissed him on the cheek. 'Hey lover, are you going to put out the trash or shall I.'
I could see if this got out it would be humiliating, loosing my girlfriend to an organ grinders apprentice, if i had my gun i'd send him on a fast track to extinction.
'Fucking hell Junky, you are my business partner.'
'If you wanted loyalty you should get a dog.'
He jabbered away for a while, gloating and boasting about his plans, some nonsense about an acquisition manager and some property in San Paulo, Brazil. Then he came up close to me, for a moment i was worried he may walk around the pole and inspect my ties but he didn't, he just continued his smack induced banter.
The girl looked bored now, she nodded her head as if to concur with Junky but i could see through her. It was only a matter of time before she herself would double cross the chimp, i could read it in her expression like a children’s book.
'Junky, you can't trust her, she's going to drop you first chance she gets.'
'Fuck you Mission, you piece of shit.' she protested.
'Yeah she loves me Mission. Your just fucking with my mind.'
'Nope. Man you don't know women. She's going to jump ship first chance she gets. You don't think a doll like that is gonna stick with a gorilla like you.'
That's when he pulled out the glock.
there's a point where death no longer fears you, its a strange area where the prospect of escape from the bitter pain of futile existence actually excites and keeps your heart beating as opposed to the slow death that life now offers. usually this type of experience is common in war vets, mercenaries, the traumatized or those who know that death is just the transition. looking down the barrel of a gun is like looking down the space time continuum, knowing that a bullet ride away is just a train station on a long journey, just like sleep, death is another country, another experience. junky despite his primate logic had hung out with me long enough to know death was not really going to phase me. he smiled, winked at me and put the gun back.
the girl was smoking a joint and looked upset, 'Why didn't ya waste him Junky?'
'Shut up bitch, go get me some smack and no cutting me short.'
She wandered of cursing.
Which left me and Junky in a kinda awkward cross road.
I knew i had the upper hand here as the problem with all these primates is they suffer from massive insecurities, especially around potential mates. It's the survival instinct, humans have had it knocked out of them, whereas animals are enslaved by the drive.
'She's gonna drop you like a hot potato Junky. interspecies relationships can never really work. You know it.'
'Actually i don't Mission. It's my first interspecies relationship. She said she wanted to marry me and start a family. Sooner or later a chimp like me thinks about settling down.'
'Yeah that's what they all say Junky. At first its all cool, hunky dory, then, just as you get all cozy and relax they're off. they need the drama. Especially a girl like her.'
'What's so special about her.'
'She's beautiful right. Nice shape, smart, the way she moves is kinda like an erotic wave. She's got good skin, nice big seductive sparkling eyes that lure you in.'
'Yeah,' Junky said, 'so what?'
'She's a red head.'
'Yeah, what about it.'
'Trouble. she’s big trouble, for you me any one who catches her pheromones.'
For a moment he looked at me all quietly and curious. The sun was high in the sky now, but we were shaded by the canopy, a butterfly flew around erratically. I could see that Junky had some sort of credibility amongst these tribespeople, he was a monkey of many means despite his smack habit and sexual deviancy that made mine look like a saint. The girl came back and handed Junky a joint and a small bag of smack. He passed me the joint and lit it, i guess it was automatic maybe muscle memory, I sucked in hard and enjoyed the smoke as it enetered my bloodstream. She looked at me knowing the seeds of doubt had been planted.
'Fucking hell Junky you should kill him. Let me have the gun, i'll do it.'
'Nope. Get in the hut.'
Junky mumbled something about Brazil. he winked at me then theatrically beckoned over to where the tribespeople were watching, one by one they went into the hut a little more solemnly than when they came out.
Junky took the joint from my mouth and said, 'I don't need the bitch anyways.'
He ran towards the jungle, grabbed a banana and swung of on a vine, the joint still dangling between his lips.
That was the last i saw of him although i had reports of him gun running in Peru and running brothels in central Lima.
Later i found myself freed, and invited to a special banquet in my honor. I ate and drunk and pondered what happened to the redhead. As i bit into a piece of soft chewy fibre i could feel something alien in my mouth, caught upon my tongue. I pulled out a fine strand of hair. Red. Trouble.

i always wanted to live in a big castle with a couple of witches and have those flying monkeys in bell boy suits doing our bidding, well at least fetching my robes and a bowl for grapes or another block of opium for the pipe. i like the idea of flying monkeys serving me as i lounge around in bed or on the chaise lounge with my witches, i don't mind if they have blue skin or green, i never worry about that stuff, but if i had a choice i'd go the purple skinned witch, there is something sexy about a girl with purple skin on a broomstick, she would have animal markings over her, possibly tiger and we would generally lounge around making love or making sculptures from smoke. sometimes we would watch dvds all night and sleep all day, we would nver go outside except to the beach and we would take long walks at night., while the monkeys swept up.
occasionally we would wander down to the bakery and pick up fresh coffee. she would cast a spell to make me change my shape from human to dragon and i would laugh at her imagination and toast her muffin when she was consulting her spell book.

fifty, fucking fifty is half of one hundred, it looms ahead like a cliff edge, i'm travelling towards it at 12 hours a day, it dawned on me the other day as i used a pocket calculator to calibrate my age in this incarnation, somehow i made a miscalculation in my mind last birthday, i thought i was a year younger, 47 but it turns out i am 48, that's a year the universe stole from me, a whole year in the time it took to do a calculation on my phone, and let me tell you i'm not happy about it. that afternoon my friend recived a bowl cancer testing kit in the mail, i opened the package and these things spilled out, tube's, syringes, plastic sheets, some weird looking shit i've never seen before, wtf? my friend has a mental illness so he wasn't much help but later we found out it was a bowel cancer testing kit. i'm freaking two years away from getting one of these gifts from the jokers in tasmania.
you would think they would send you a letter a year before sending the kit, just to give you a warning that you will be 50 next year and watch the post.
i never thought about my age before, i always knew i was ageless, i never could recall what age i was, i just went along with whatever people said i was, once i was thirty five when i was actually forty five, when i got married i said i was actually older than i was and had to explain to the wife i'd just fucked up, i don't bother with these numbers, what a load of crap they all seemed, one day i told some one i was 46 and they were convinced i was in my late twenties, most people think jakob is my younger brother, what chance do i have of knowing what my age is when no one belives me.
i never really cared for the idea of age, but suddenly mortality has presented itself, this being my last incarnation. but 50 is an age that feels grey and sign posts the middle ages, i rather just skip the fifties and sixties and go to my seventies, at least i can be a cranky miserable old man with a neat walking stick and a cool suit with a sexy vodka soaked divorcee on each arm, but at fifty what else is there to be, some fat fuck chasing girls half his age, falling out of fast red or black cars, wondering where me yoof went. how depressing. just as well i recall a few previous incarnations and have a good handle on this one, i don't plan to incarnate again, the last half of the game is out there waiting for me, it's all looking good i guess, just came as a shock, out from the blue that ive been here almost 50 years. no wonder my knee hurts.

later agent stone calls me, i share with her my anxiety, she say's i'll always be 30 to her. amazing. i did it, hacked the past.

(whom ever posted the comment i am very sorry for deleting it, i pressed the wrong button, thanks your the comment any way)

yoda speaks, i go how i go, forwards backwards, sideways, several directions at once, simultaneously, here and now, now and then, my saturn return is proving challenging, i'm not sure if they are being dealt with well or not but i'm exhausted from the ghosts one after another, some i deal with well some i don't, there's completed business and unfinished business, i guess unfinished business will rear it's head next time, i'll deal with it then. in the meantime:

lilly i know you are in trouble, i couldn't believe what happened and it really upset me. i hope you sue the bastards, i'm no expert but you have a sound case. we go back a long time and you always have a place at mission control. you know i love you, and we share a rich history.

sue- congratulations welcome to my world, it's richer now you see what i see.

soft girl - wow i'm grateful for the revisit, i must have loved you so much to have hated you, i don't know what happened to us back then although i am getting some revealing flashbacks, it's sad and i feel such an incredible sense of loss to think we never really made it, especially when i looked so happy with you in those pictures. i do love you very much and whatever happened it was probably all my fault being a heavy soul and difficult to communicate with, go easy on yourself, you really are beautiful when your naturally intoxicated.

hp - fucking hell. what can i say that i have not said.

evan and leanne - i love you both. evan you just are the bees knees, i don't respect many people at all, but you i revere.

pansy- mans best friend.

the deep fix - all these years i thought i was the only freak on the block, now i have a freakazoid trans dimensional pop band. snuffs gonna be amazing.

meredith - thanks so much for the reset, i needed it. your an angel.

terry and jean - i will be in touch soon with music

jake- i love you man, sorry i'm a freakazoid dad, i wish i could have been slightly normal for you but it all works out in the long run, remember my words, find out who you are and be true to yourself.

my dealers - thanks people

the goddess - i love ypu, you really did save me

the god - your a fucking cool cat, i always knew you had a sense of humour.


okay that's my saturn return list, the cycle is over, time for outwards manifestations, the inner landscape is fertile and ready to sprout yields of ripe fruit, the cupeth spilleth over and there is only really now.

empty nest syndrome. apparently this is what i have.

time
time is the fucking key to it, i know it, it flows the wrong way, forwards is suffering, reverse time and it's happiness, more than happiness, bliss. only i can reverse time, those that came before me led the way, einstien and hawking all looked at the physical implications of the big bang, they forgot to look at the spiritual dimension's, the mind is the key, the mind and the heart. i will find it and write my way out. a time bomb. i'm now the villan in a star trek movie, the one on the outer reaches of the galaxy, the one with the isolated planet and a small lab, where he builds the anti time bomb, spock and kirk beam in to stop me, there's a big fight, a small explosion, i reach out for the switch, kirk says something noble and stupid at the same time, spock says something wise and noble but i miss-hear it over the noise of my quantum generator, it sounds like, 'your a midget in a cod piece' and i press the button, watching spock and kirk get younger and happier. but that's not the way of endings, the truth is they kill me with their ray guns and my atoms are dissimulated across seven realities. yeah life is suffering.

im older than i thought i was
aging disgracefully
im a fucking walking embarrassment
to common sense and decency
i have a expanding heart
and a mind like liquid
my thoughts unbounded
my cock runs rampant
i throw electric tomatoes
at your green onions
i'm a millennium falcon
not apollo 13
ask me a question
i'll give you 7 answers
give me an answer
i'll show you why your wrong

i'm older than you think i am
aged like a tom waits song
i have no home address
cos there's no where i belong
i'm the voodoo love god
with my juju madness
wearing seven inch stiletto’s
and a second hand dress
if you see me in your nightmares
i'll sell you a dream
I don't want your money
when i can lick your ice cream
give me some truth
and I’ll throw you a banana skin
throw me a grenade
and I’ll pull the pin

had a secret liason
medusa was her name
in the heat of the fire
she tried to put out my flame
it's just like a goddess
in the temple of vice
turn human heart
into a sacrifice

hold up a mirror
pull down the night
these myths we made
don’t feel right
look at the stars
let’s be amazed
but what ever you do
avoid her gaze

i knew i was in trouble
when i fell in love with the gorgon
took mind over matter
to hatch an escape plan
made love to her slowly
with both eyes closed
when i was inside her
she did what she was told

hold up a mirror
pull down the night
these myths we made
don’t feel right
look at the stars
let’s be amazed
but what ever you do
avoid her gaze

i know i was a solider
in the army of love
my sword was flesh
in my shield i trust
but i never had a lover
try to turn me to stone
had to fight my way out from
the eye of the cyclone

hold up a mirror
pull down the night
these myths we made
don’t feel right
look at the stars
let’s be amazed
but what ever you do
avoid her gaze

early morning the hound and i are wandering around on the ocean front, it's cold and wet and i look like a demon scarecrow on the wrong side of the styx as the dark overcoat wraps around me and the strange hat flops in the wind, these are ominous times my friend, the future is running out. no more chances for this version of humanity, you had it all and squandered it on drilling the oil from the beating heart of the sustainer instead of using the sunlight, the wind, the kinetic motion and the geo thermal energy, you cruelly slaughtered buffalo, chicken and sheep for your burgers and plundered the land sucking it's nutrients, raping the surface with constructs and hubris but worst of all you severed the esoteric root and for that you have been cast adrift, alone, abandoned, just like me you will suffer the desperation of loss, you will attempt to fill an abyss as the void comes and engulfs you, you will see desire slip away and the truth revealed, you will will pass through the eye of the needle, rich man poor man beggar man thief, saints and sinners, fighters and lovers, all equally redistributed through the ultimate brokerage service.
two years and i want to spend it with you, so we can stand here, where i am now, hold hands and surrender to rebirth and the end of fear.
i watch my breath leaving and feel the cold air as it enters my lungs, we wander towards the coffee shop where the sicilian lady makes me the perfect coffee. i like the world of sensation, i'm a sucker for the pleasure principle but i am aware of being detached from it, there's a certain mental yoga one needs to stay alive and it is ironic, i mean after all why be attached to being alive, but the path of the truth seeker is one of paradox, until you get the cosmic joke, then you can relax and laugh with it.
that's the best way to die. the plant spirits have shown me clear as day, my death waits so patiently, like an old druid, my epitaph
captain mission
came into the world crying
went out laughing

spent the night in my car, wrapped in rags and freezing like an ice block, shivering, even the drool and dribble froze in my beard and come first light i thawed my skin, my old heart in some suspended state began to pump blood to the rest of me, my poor extremities and lets face it, i am all extremities.
the mechanic charges me $1500 to fix it, a service, some belt needed changing, i spend my morning drinking coffee and reading a self help book i find in the big book shop, it doesn't really help, so wandering over the rail road track to the other side of town, the one no one goes to, the shadow lands where the shops are dark and the streets badly lit i find a big second hand bookshop and wander through it, finding a strange book called the invisible pyramid, there's something about it calling me, a ghost, my hand enters the spirit world, a world i am familiar with, i communicate with the author who convinces me to buy his book.
don't think i exaggerate, you know only what you see on the surface, i am prism like, reality refracts around me, stick close by and watch it occur.
the spirit world is a lonely place, not some where i like to stay to long, i get my information and leave, i take the worn hardback to the indian girl, she is smiling at me. we talk about a song on the radio, it's by a band called the roots. i return to my car newly repaired and swipe $1500 from my card.
every entry into the spirit world has a cost, extraction of information has a high price, it always has, it's known as the law of displacement, $1500 is getting off lightly i figure, last time they took my friend, she hung herself with her belt. i went to her funeral and her family asked me to make a speech. i did, it wasn't easy.
they won't touch me again though, they hurt me in other ways, financially, work conflicts, nothing directed directly or obviously at me becuase they know me, they know i don't fear them and i'll come looking for vengence which i did as soon as the funeral was over. i used an old barbaric magickal method from a nordic tradition, went in and bound them to an old turquise ring i once treasured, so i have a reputation not to be fucked around.
anyways the correct magickal stance in this car situation is non attachment. money is just energy, it transfers into states, there is nothing to be attached to but i could have used a fucking holiday somewhere hot.