we recently discovered in the archives a message from the author of this blog, captain mission. it is short and precise pice but we think essential to this collection of ravings and ramblings and expression.

final post script on the cluster fuck
by
captain mission

what happens when you fall in love with your cluster fuck, it becomes it's exact opposite.


that's the fully restored text people. snappy new ears.

she's looking for randomness. that's what she said. her words exactly, actually here they are.
'i'm looking for randomness.'
there was a heap of other words as well but in essence that's what she was saying.
i am sitting on my sofa rolling a king size spliff thinking oh here we go, down the spiral again, past the point of no return. i'm gonna need something to soften the blow, this will do fine.
she's marching up and down, pacing in heels and a skimpy black dress, she actually looks okay but her anger contaminates her aura, it's spilling over all over the place, and it's really boring anger, the kind that has no chance of ever being resolved.
'what the hell are you doing, we are having a conversation.'
'i'm rolling a spliff, pass the lighter please.'
the lighter hits me in the eye, well just above. i give her a look. it hurt.
'oh don't be a sulky baby, it was a light throw.'
i spark up my spliff, 'i'm fucking your sister. is that random enough for you.'
she's stopped in her tracks, her gaze is greek mythology, she's looking right through me into the depths but i know i'm a deep fucker and she's gonna get swallowed up by the abyss inside me if i don't drag her out. 'come on sweetheart, come on, what you want is never gonna make you happy, it's never gonna fulfil you or make you happy, it's a black hole baby, sucking you in until you have nothing left.'
it's a clique ending sweetheart is that what you got for me, a clique. i'm worth much more, i think this to myself because i can't say it without sounding somewhat disappointed. i would have at least liked some kind of dignity.
'are you fucking eloise?'
'do you really want random or are you happy with dependable?'

mission control, on one sofa you get the full impact of the dvd sound system, on the other you get a really good mix from the stereo. equality in technology. everyone loves everyone. that's the deal at mission control. yep we play cake bush and finish the last piece of lumberjack kate. all the day seems to quiet in this moment, thankfully.
yeah there's a candle burning and some incense i've lit to the goddess.

last days of the year, what was this year all about? for me it was like a massive loop had closed around itself, full circle, completion. i did it, hacked the cosmos but the cosmos also hacked me. i understand this now, it's the magickians bargain. you can't just hack the universe and expect it to act as if it has no intelligence.
yes i have been well and truly hacked, infiltrated and penetrated by the universe in all it's strange wonder, pouring in through my aura, into the depths of every blood corpuscle and atom. she and i dissolved and sometimes we are the same, when my ego is absent, it's a thin veil between us, lifted when my ego has gone walk about.
and on the last night of the year comes the last stage of my loop.
the clusterfuck.

ariel by kate bush is one of my top ten cds of all time, it really is perfection. there's so much beauty in this music, so much care and tenderness, it's an english cd that is certain, but it's expanse is magnificent, stretching across nature and numbers, the etheric and the material.
it really is quite the perfect piece of music. her voice takes you there.

more from the cool lao tzu


what good is accumulation of material things?
it is not keeping with tao
what benefit conforming your behaviour to some one else's conventions?
it violates your nature and dissipates your energy.
why separate your spiritual life and your practical life?
to an integral being there is no such distinction.

live simply and virtuously, true to your nature, drawing no line between what is spiritual and what is not.

ignore time.
relinquish ideas and concepts.
embrace the oneness.

this is the integral way.

i wake up in a pool of drool, yeah it's my own, the alarm on my mobile is protruding through my dream, fucking hell, i had a dream interrupted. i slide into work mode, slightly hung over from my delirium and confusion although it's far to early to really know what right action is. i haul myself through the morning duties, i look around at mission control, it's in a bad shape, books, cds, clothes everywhere, this is beyond me now, it needs a womans touch. i'm far to vunerable right now, to vunerable and somewhat apathetic about myself, mmm, i drive to work, take the dog with me, stop for coffee at some high class bakery. emotional stuff pouring out from inside my guts, this wasn't supposed to happen was it. mmm, it just sneaked up on me, fuck you're in her basement man, she fucking put you in a dark hidden place, gathering mould and dust. the answers obvious, don't go down that road man!
it's to late mission, you been down that road for thousands of years.
she dosn't know that?
i'm looking for a way out but there is no way out, only in.
yeah, the planets are alighened, the cards have fallen where they must, the eye of the tiger, patterns in the sands, it's written.

err oh dear, very tired, exhausted today, yeah, gotta listen to cake bush and eat lumberjack kate to sustain myself until i know which room i will sleep in. i can feel a pull towards the master bedroom. every time i try to think about it my head becomes clouded with strange romantic thoughts, my head is feeling very strange, it's processing some feelings, emotional stuff, mmm, it's stuck in a feedback loop, the past, ten years ago, now, something fucking dark is there, but i gotta let it go. i gotta move onwards like a solider in a war, i gotta defeat this anxiety. it's fucking stupid to feel blocked like this, it's never happened to me before at any time i recall, yet its happened now and i have to fucking shift it. i know what has to happen. it's a crazy thing. new years is coming up, is there anxiety there, maybe. i don't want her to feel uncomfortable, or embarrassed but how else are we gonna get around this shit. we have to go there. my arrow is loaded, i'm setting her in my sights, i'm pulling back my stretchy thing and taking aim, shit last time i did this i shot the fucking arrow straight into my head. mmm, sleep on it mission. your to fucked up right now.
yeah okay brain okay don't push me around you fucking egotistical complexity.
shut up heart, your just a stupid pump
tune in to me for a while with that 99% that lays dormant and then i'll hear what you got.
okay heart sock it to me?
soul mate.
that's what you got? that's all you fucking got fucking soul partner?
its all there is. think about it.

silence
then
yeah okay heart she's our soul mate.
zzzzz

lao tzu wrote my favourite book, it's actually not the tao te ching but it's lesser known hau hu ching which i guess is the tao's handbook.
it's probably one of the greatest philosophical ideologies ever written yet hardly anyone knows of it.
it is the truth or at least as close as it comes in written form, it's beautiful and elegant as truth should be. it flows and grows in simplicity. it's surprisingly anti intellect, in fact anti mind.in chapter 48 comes a very brilliant truth...

do you wish to free yourself of mental and emotional knots and become one with the tao?
if so there are two paths available to you.

the first is the path of acceptance.
affirm everything and every one
freely extend your goodwill and virtue in every direction, regardless of circumstances.
embrace all things as part of the harmonious. oneness, and then you will begin to percieve it.

the second path is that of denial.
recognise that everything you see and think is an illusion, a veil over the truth.
peel the veils away, and arrive at oneness.

although the paths are entirely different they lead to the same place, spontanious awareness of the great oneness.
once you arrive there it is not nessessery to struggle to maintain unity with it.

all you have to do is participate in it.

inequality in love
one person loves the other more or less than the other?

the way i see it, the way the eye of my heart see's this is any love visited upon people is sacred, and it should be honoured, it is not and never will be a currency or commodity. the moment it is is the moment it changes into something other than love.
equal unequal that's the mind interfering with the heart and that's gonna lead into turbulent waters. love is love, it's not something that you flirt with or control or try to manipulate, it's just pure and simple stuff. yeah you fall out of love, yeah you fear the loss yeah you hate the pain that goes with it but fucking hell, to have lived half your life and remain in fear of love is to have already died. your love for your children is a prime example of this, just because they grow and leave home to discover themselves should not stop or change the love you have for them. letting go is grace, it is love. and if you do it properly then you remain together.
i'm alive. everyday i wale up and i thank the universe, and i walk my dog and breath in the air, look at the trees and the skies and the beach and i think how lucky i am, what a privilege to have this life and the amazing people who fill it for me. enemies friends family and tribe, my hearts eye sees the big picture, it always has but could never articulate it.
when my spirit returns to source it will not return to incarnate again, this is it, my last life. i love it, every single moment.

shopping mall melt down the sales are on but nothing is really saved, we just spend more time wandering around in hypnagogic states, seduced by glamour with the rest of the post xmas zombie hordes but we have a mission here, four hours pass like four minuets when you enter this world of artificial lights, intrusive symbols driving their way into your unconscious, strange food, conversational edited down to the lowest common denominator.
not a place for the spirit.
i do make some headway into my book, 'the language of emotions' has taken a turn for the better, it was a good start but now the author has entered a shamanic realm, she see's trauma as initiation, often at the wrong time, place and context but none the less it's an initiation process. it's the hero's journey the mythological aspect that connects us to the primal dna need for ritual, death healing and rebirth.
civilisation is in trauma and we have mostly adopted two ways to deal with it, suppression or expression, each of these do not honour the emotions attached to the trauma and without the resolution of this process the trauma has to repeat itself, in

1. separation from the world
2. death

trauma repeats until the third stage can be processed.

3. being welcomed as an initiated person.

but in order to reach the final stage one needs to have let the emotion flow and understand the information it carries.

i love this book because it affirms what i already know. i know this from my personal healing, i know this from my explorations and i know this intuitively. i want my friends to read this book, i want the people i love to heal and be free and i want to welcome them when they are.

here i am in the lexo travelling along in super comfort listening to some groovy tunes on the way to the movies to see, blue valentine and somewhere.
she's taken me to see some sort of alternative reality film and then i remember it's me in the alternate reality, but anyway that's another story. there's moments when i am thinking this is a bit strangely close to home with miss cupcake and i but i shake that feeling away.
the movie is painful and stirs old missions soul, it's a sad old story but it's very real, two narratives that join one, as the couple meet and fall in love the other as they are disintegrating, they are both drinking in the film, blocking some emotional shit that hits the fan in slow motional and painful detail, we have all lived these roles. it's a brilliant film, yeah the mans desperation, her defeat, the loss all played out like a tragedy . they should hand out a drink after movies like that, just for medicinal purposes, i hate recreational drinking with a vengeance but i needed a scotch after hauling my emotional self through their hurt and my own memories, but i don't like alcohol so i ate. now i am a fat fuck with a few fresh wounds reopened. the second film, was awful and not in a good way, it was a story that could have been good if we really cared although there was a big smile on my face and another batch of memories but this time excellent ones at the beginning of the movie when i thought it was going to be about strippers.

miss cupcake i like you.
you have just been super cool and been an excellent friend and you smell good and i'm gonna bite you on the neck.
x

midnight rambling with pan, we clamber over the skies and clouds, we edge up the strange nocturnal worlds, passing sleeping humans laying in their little cosy beds or crashed out on sofas with candles burning, we hover over trees all vibrating and sending messages, we float down to our friends home. we enter the gates, my friend there to greet and illuminate our path. we enter and pass through secret doorways and corridors where we meet indoor perfection, space and light.
we smoke many herbs and pay homage to jah. we talk turkey about girls. we talk turkey about angels who always arrive for that moment you really need them, they only come to open up your heart, but when they come, wow it's a whole lifetime. i met a few. i'll tell you about them one day. but these angels are there, living in their tree houses and water spots, they don't just walk into your life, they just appear, like outta nowhere, all divine and perfect with a hint of sex but it's not the first thing you think about, it's in there though or maybe that's just me. yeah sex don't really register, it's beyond sex, it's love, but that radiating kind, the kind that glows and you are struck by the angels beauty, you are struck by her spirt. it don't matter that you never see her again, this is a life affirming experience, a miracle for any man.
my night friend has recently had a visitation.
i suggest we smoke a spliff to honour the angel.
angels

diamond days, emerald nights, big old moon shines a white light through mission control and plays havoc with my radar, sending all sorts of feminine intuitive information along my spine into my brain and somewhere along the way there's a terrible glitch that actually puts my back out in an awful pain and discomfort. i meander through the rooms looking for my stash, smoke a large joint and puff on a second one, just top manage the pain. i numb myself back to sleep and in the morning everything back to normal.
i process my download, i agree to myself to call nico this afternoon and see if she's okay. i sense a disturbance in the field. in the meantime i catch up with evan, there's a lot going down in babylon, people and cars, it's all territorial.
i'm about to sit down with evan when nico calls, ah yeah, we touch bases.
then evan and i trawl through the countdown clock.
it's a short lived discussion, we know the end.

people depart, calling me from airports, everyone apprehensive about europe, it's snowed in, my father rings me, -26 outside, englands run out of grit to put on the roads, it ran out of grit when i left i reply.
meanwhile in babylon coffee meltdown, i gotta wean myself away from this caffeine culture, we wander into french bakeries and look at all the pretty window displays, i'm transported away somewhere else, i have only had three hours sleep, the world is melting, i'm flicking though newspapers and magazines, we discover a new language, hard boiled detective speak, your a natural. we share irritations, we can't really communicate this morning, we are to tired but we understand each other perfectly, lumberjack cake love.
we fall apart, i go my own sweet way, you go yours. the day escapes me like a dream.
i'm driving up and down highways, i'm swimming and diving, i'm in the big bookshop at the mall searching for a book with a friend, i'm driving up and down, i'm in a retired persons village delivering an xmas present, he's an old blind man but he's sharp as knives, i like this guy, we often have good conversations. he's perplexed by the death of his friends, yeah he's a bit like me, lost a few people, death wish followed him around, chased his shadow, car crashes, wars, accidents, he wonders why he's alive.
'so i can enjoy you my friend.' i say.
i drop him down the street and then drive along into the sun, yeah that sun pouring in everywhere on this longest day, the summer solstice.
i've fully charged my moon powered ray gun as it rose above the water because at 8.12 the earth casts it's shadow across the moon, and you just never know.

early morning wind tunnel through mission control, i open various windows and create a wind corridor, papers stir, dust moves, something falls over. i smoke a left over spliff and jump in the shower, ready for the day, i take pan for his walk, read the papers, there's no news today, it's all the same stuff, over and over, different names, different faces, same stories. there is no news in the human condition. i head home.

i'm reading a book written by an empath called 'emotions' it's actually based in magickal thinking although the writer would not consciously know that, she's coming from a rational science position and moving into paraphycology but the general ideas are all aligned with my map of the emotional world and that of most contemporary magickians. she's a very good writer and her points are excellently presented. i think she would be quite accepting of the trans personal aspects and even consider the shamanistic elements at work but somehow i think she would not like the magickal framework. at the end of the day it's all language and one must remember, the map is not the territory.'

occasionally i slip into some ancient hedonistic urge, they are fairly random and it depends whom i am with, i need to really know my partners in crime, i need to feel like they have my back if things go bad, it's protection baby, can't put your faith in just any old person, nah! you gotta deliver the goods unto me before you get that, you gotta show me your heart chakra, i gotta see it and feel it's intention.
i'm chatting to nico one day, i say, 'you will never know me,'
she says she really respects that.
now that's a fucking cool woman, that's why i dig her, she's got the heart thing that i love.
anyways i don't think you ever really know some one, i mean do you know yourself?
i doubt it. just when you think you do, another aspect pops up, it's a production line of selves, i'm usually aligned, my many selves are a good and healthy democracy, they are all in check unless the hedonistic one is out, cut loose and gone awol, but my nature is never destructive so he's strangely and ironically responsible and easy to hang with, he's a good friend, in the same way agent stone was a good friend and always got me home at 3am.
this hedonistic dionysian aspect of myself will have everyone comfortable around him, all protected and safe from harm, even though they may be flirting with death in all her many forms. yeah i have an apollo within to, they often end up in heated discussion but sometimes you gotta know when to let the cat out and when to let the dog out.
anyway my point is i can feel my ego bubbling away, personalities all squabbling for a position, i'm sitting with miss cupcake in a coffee shop in downtown manly when she asks me a question. i'm processing fast, options flicker through my heads, who's gonna answer this, the persona's suddenly come to a stillness, democracy in action, they recede and truth comes out beyond ego. sometimes trust with people is a finishing line and today we reached a finishing line. it felt okay to share that with her, it felt safe.

reaching out down the wire you opened up a little, little by little, inch by inch she reveals what lays behind the mask, it must be difficult, i appreciate the mask, it serves a purpose but i see through masks fast, it's my gift to see the face before you were born. old captain mission is a gentleman, he navigates this terrain with you, he leads you down a strange path, the road less travelled, yeah here you shed your skin, take of those clothes, lay down a while and make some love, intimacy, fear, death and rebirth, it's the little death baby for a new life, yeah my mojo is working. she's telling me her trauma and i know it hurts her, i know it causes her pain, it's the confrontation she avoids, healing takes fucking guts baby, you can do this, you can, i seen into your heart with hearts eye, i know it beautiful and i believe in you. yeah life took a tangent, it took a turn and a you ended up where you never thought you would be but that's life, that's where you have come to meet destiny, your free will and destiny are in the same point, now it's up to you. yeah i will be there, i will shine for ya, just trust and believe, and that all you have to do. i don't want anything, i have it all, but honour me and you get the keys to the kingdom.
it was good to hear your voice, it was good to hear your honesty, it was good.

the morning starts with lumberjack cake and coffee for breakfast, miss cupcake looking pretty special and kinda sexy with her glow and fat guts. we are emmersed in saturday papers, news items are all disposable, snippits of exchanges, theories about a murder, emotions repressed, new angles change everything, new perspectives shift the judgements, that's why it's best to avoid them. i don't really care about the world today, it can go to hell, i'm eating lumberjack cake and i'm happy.

big day with the wife, mmm gorgeous little thing all glowing in the radiant twilight, after a big day in the lexo driving up and down big roads, very comfy, like travelling in my sofa, it glides along so smooth i feel like i already smoked a spliff and now im in chilled out zone, i love this car, everything is so easy, i'm even being driven.
somewhere in the middle of the day we have driven into a strange place, we head into some sort of shopping centre whose name i forget but it has a nordic flavour and many things to fill up your house with, i buy candles, i'm a candle kinda guy, miss cupcake buys lots of things in boxes and a plant. the security guard makes her pay money for the stuff though which puts a dampener on things but never mind, this nursery is gonna be very stylish.
i meet my friend lilly, we have both just had coffee and we talk manically as we have not seen one another for a while. i tell her about the glamour and the war against women, she digs it all cos she's a smart one, actually she's brilliant and i really loved seeing her, she's inner circle.
then i go with miss cupcake and the dogs to palm beach where drenched in the twilight suddenly miss cupcake becomes illuminated like a saintly being or something and her heart chakra opens up, jesus i'm gonna capture this moment in case it passes to quickly.





well it's a nice evening and romance is in the air, old pansy meets a dog called poppy. very cute.
on the way home i see how miss cupcakes defences have dropped, the fortress is busted open, the laser rays disabled and the massive force field that i could never penetrate fallen, all previous security devices and defences are down, and here she is in all her glory. wow, breathtakingly beautiful with a belly full of fish and chips and child.

old captain mission has a day with the children, laughing and playing, bumping heads with special girls, playing chess with bright boy and digging the tiny one's private universe as he hops, trots, skips and jumps trough the fourth dimensions into higher ones, oh yeah these are switched on kids, not your normal androids. but old captain mission is quite taken by their sexy mum, who although is somewhat distant today and in her aquarian compartments still appears to like the old man. what is it she see's in me exactly. anyways it don't matter, she probably see's something very different from the usual i guess.
i see something really good in nico, something honest and true. i see something under all the masks and force field personality, what is it, it's the thing i want, it's where my hands try to reach, it's deep inside buried in her cynicism hurt and sadness, it's like a flower or jewel, something really beautiful and something precious that needs nurturing and a little tenderness, it's something that could grow again into that horses spirit, that exuberance, that love of life not the lust for life. old captain mission does the goddesses work, he's underpaid, knocked around a bit, rejected and even disillusioned sometimes but he's never giving up on anyone who comes into his sphere, he's like the statue of liberty declaration. these are the final days, may as well make each day count for something. like old bob says, you gotta serve somebody, it may be the devil it may be the lord but you gonna have to serve somebody.'
nico, what i dig about you is your honesty, you're one cool woman.

i'd first learnt how to become invisible from books, i have a large selection of occult and esoteric literature hidden away in a secret room. the problem was that without a teacher it was actually hard to work out some of the instructions. most of the books on the subject were written around the 18th century when invisibility was a fad sweeping through the nations. unfortunately it died out superseded by something equally audacious no doubt.
i spent 6 months practicing the instructions in the book, there were a few diagrams but mostly it was mental exercises and disciplines one had to follow, the symbolic patterns needed to be learnt and stored within ones aura, and there was plenty of practical stuff to consider. the biggest being how do i come back to visitability. however future anxiety was not going to stop me learning.
then one day i came across a small charm, an amulet. it was in a charing cross book shop on a recent trip to london, hidden away under the counter, the assistant saw me looking at a 16th century text on invisibility and thought the amulet would persuade me to buy it. i immediately purchased both.
back home i inspected the amulet, i had recognised that it was pictured in most of my books pertaining to invisibility. it was orb shaped and in scripted with the sanskrit words, अदृष्ट adrshta which translates as invisible or unseen. however it wasn't a matter of just wearing it, i had various preparations and rituals to perform, it would take about 7 weeks of purification and meditation, including the primarily ceremony.
the amulet required various preparatory treatments as well so i immediately got to work. creating a magickal instrument is a serious buisness and requires a certain alchemical transmutation of intention into body fluid, one can't fuck this up at all. death could result or something worse. i had watched many peers go mad, some were much more experienced practitioners and more intelligent than i but they all had something i didn't which worked against them. ego. there was a direct relationship to the dissolution of the ego and the dissolution of the physical form, ergo i was crossing a threshold few had crossed.
preparations and rituals aside i needed to wait for the right moment to wear the amulet, and it so happened that as neptune jupiter and venus alighned i conducted my rite and slipped it over my neck.
everything else remained the same, except for me, i was no longer there, part of the scenery, no reflection, no shadow, i was invisible.
but in order to become visible i needed to do the opposite, inverse my ego into something larger, so i hung out in girls change rooms, listened in on conversations, took cocaine and spoke rubbish, went on shop lifting sprees and generally caused mayhem in a bewildered community, gradually becoming more visible but the side effect was a short stint in jail and a hefty fine.
i gave up with magic and took a course in upholstery, i became a christian and rejected invisibility as an evil pursuit, a tool from the adversary, the beast, i burnt all my books and buried the talisman, i renounced my past and married a girl from idaho.

driving west, not something i do often but this morning we are picking up lexo the new cupcake car, trading in the mini s. that mini s suited miss cupcake but not with a baby, it's no good for babies, nope. lexo will be perfect, it has all mod cons and other bits and bobs, it's the bees knees. i drive it up and down, it's got nice comfy seats, you could have great sex in this car and not get poked in the ribs by an inorganic protruding object.
we head into grandville to get a coffee and ponder the sale, i see a sign that says, 'awarded best coffee in sydney' so we walk in.
a strange vortex transports me and miss cupcake into downtown tripoli, awful arab music penetrates our psych, makes me edgy, the coffee is mediocre and everything is loaded with sugar, no wonder they are so tense in the middle east, the sugar would make them all hyper and the awful music would want to make you kill the nearest person. it's nuts in there although there's some exotic looking woman behind the counter that looks interesting, however she's wearing a crucifix and like every true vampyre i'm slightly repulsed.
driving back with miss cupcake i'm confused at how perfect we are, peas in a pod, it's eating away at me, her brilliant brain all uncluttered and free from bullshit now, wow, she's the sharpest knife in the kitchen these days, come a long way, she's becoming a singularity, i tell her she's cool. she's beginning to get me, far out, i think another six months like this and she will know me, she will have gazed into the abyss and seen my true nature. jesus that's freaky and exciting.
are we married?
it feels like im in a happy sexless marriage, she's pregnant to some other man and i'm having my affairs, it's so fucked up it's perfect.
what the hell! my guts hurt a bit, squishy and tangled up, knotted a little due to ambigious emotions but i feel pretty good about life, yeah it's working out fine, just want more of it. it's strange when you get it together, stop dealing in bullshit, bullshit people and bullshit situations, just whittle away down to people you actually really fucking love. what else is there, everything else, why...it's just bullshit.

memory. i'm told it was at a fast food resturant ten long years ago, we stopped and played in the playground, sliding down the slide, swing around being monkeys, apparently we laughed so much we couldn't get up. did it happen, i have a vauge but very vauge feeling it may have, it sounds like me but i don't really know, maybe she is planting a memory, people do that, plant fasle memories in their own minds, replace the ugly truth with a beautiful lie. i don't know what lay in the past really, just vauge immpressions and strange images that glide across but this one, ooh there's something nice about this one, i wanna belive it. it feels right. i need to plunge myself into our past further, i need to find out but i'm somewhat worried about discovering something that best lay forgottern.
fuck i am a sensitive beast, a little piscean dreamer, a poet looking for a muse, did i find one, yeah but she's not mine, she belongs to others, is there one out there, yeah but she is married to another, she's engaged to some one, she can't love you she's having an affair with the bottle, what about that one? she's in love with her dealer, or at least his wares, well what ya gonna do?

old captain mission needs a muse, they don't come easy to him these strange old days, his twilight years, where did that last one go, oh yeah she went mental and shacked up with some rich guy from newcastle. mmmm, then there was that blonde haired girl sam with the chocolate obsession, mmm, what happened to her mission?
mmm, oh well i did get a few good songs from her, but in the end she turned out to be a catherine wheel, nice sparkle and spin but burnt out fast to her own crazy demon.
yeah well some slip buy, can't save them all, certainly tried.
well there's no medals in this war mission.
i wouldn't wear one if there were.
why?
cos i ain't here for the medals.
what ya want?
i want to find some one brave enough to be my wife.
fat chance. you know your a freakazoid.
yeah, i know but that's the point isn't it, it's gonna take an exceptional freakazoidess to be my wife.
they don't exist captain mission.
yeah they do, they just all have girlfriends.

grief has a rhythm, see how it pulses along with anguish, feel it come like a wave, washing over you, taking you along for it's ride, where are you going, your moving in grief, it has a extra blue colour, somewhere here is a place to deep for tears, it's overwhelming and you can feel it inside your heart, yeah that's grief invading your body, settling in for that awful ache. grief i felt it en mass, ayahuscia took me through grief like you could never imagine, the grief of the world, the grief of the history, the grief of the planet, how much fucking grief can a man handle, you'd be surprised.
now there is no grief, i grieve no more. there is no fear, i fear nothing, i am free.
ayhuscia then took me through each construct i had believed to be true, every single one, like a pair of giant hands operating on me, they were removed, snapped away and discarded, the goddess filled me with her love.
i lay upon a grass feild in the morning sunshine, tears of joy, shouting out 'i love you' at the top of my lungs for about three hours. yeah that goddess she loves me man. i do her work because she's the real deal, more authentic than any construct, sexier to, you gotta die over and over, you gotta let go of everything, you gotta come with me over that edge and loose the fear, you gotta open your heart and you gotta love this amazing universe and all she brings.
i want to save you, i wanna take you where i have been, i want to show ya, there's something more to the life you been living, something so much more genuine and fulfilling, keep your money, your trophy wives, luxury cars and diamonds and pearls, these are trinkets, nothing beats being loved by the universe.

danger danger!
all written transmissions are being monitored, the illuminati have discovered the captain mission transcripts, they have attempted several times to use various methods to capture him and are now searching through transcripts in this blog for the source code, the subtext.
failed methods have included large doses of lsd dropped into his water supply, these failed due to his high tolereance of hallucegenics, they have attempted kidnapping all failed due to captain missions unpredictabilty and aversion to routine then there have been various seduction attempts, women in all forms with hidden agendas, twisting him around their finger with their wiley ways and female charms. unfortunatly captain mission has been weak in this department and almost come a cropper but due to his resilient nature he has carefully extracted himself before revelation of any source code material. but now in the cyber age his work is up for grabs as teams of adolecent hackers and programmers attempt to crack the meaning.
unfortunaly they lack a prerequisite and will be unable to find anything of use. only hp knows how to read the captain, miss cupcake is learning fast but has yet to crack the codes.
warning warning!

can't get in can't get out, the heat closes in, the smell of sex with a hint of suicide, your sleeping in a room with bloodstains on the wall, there's a psychic imprint you don't wanna know about so you drink rum and smoke opium till to fal asleep, but even in narcosis your sweating and shivering from fear. she slides in next to you, whispers in her accented voice, 'cuddle up baby.'
your arms wrap around her, you squeeze her tight, sink into her scent, feel sweat merge, yeah that feels safe now, that's woman for ya, more protection than your browning.
in the morning she shares a croissant with you. she's been out and even found fresh coffee. she's opened the curtains and bathing in light. you share the food and then a cigarette. everything seems okay this morning, the fear passed.
you make love, bodies entwined, covered in sweat merging, time dissolves, the breeze makes the hairs on your back stand on end when it wafts in, the curtains rise, pleasure increases as you and her slide into a rhythm. her hair falls down over your face, you can see her eyes gleaming her mouth in a sensual pleasure, lips bloom, she's about to come, her nails digging deep into your back.
her hand stretched out suddenly clutches the browning, pointing it at her head, you start to say something but the room is filled with a loud crack. the bullet enters her head. blood spurts out onto the wall and her body collapses over yours. you push her away, and wrap it in the sheets, bits of brain and skull everywhere.
when you wake up, you smoke some more opium. she will return to life soon, you sit on the bed looking at the stain willing her back to being.

some mother murders her children, a man stabs his new wife, a policeman with a handgun shoots to kill and takes a life, meanwhile down at the mall an overstressed future trader goes nuts and shoots 17 people wounding 5, he takes his life on live tv, ratings soar. it's all out there in the war zone we call society, a rich man gives his trophy wife a credit card to max out on shoes and plastic surgery, a poor man at least gets to keep his dignity, civilians end up as collateral damage, unrecognisable fall out from a private conflict no one can remember how it all began, no one really cares as long as they get out alive. one in five baby five to one, some ones yelling at a kid in the background, the weather is grim, storm front moving in, the girl you love charges you $300 bucks an hour just to stroke her hair, the tv plays out some torture flick and you no longer shocked to see it's just the news, the civilization is built on fame and glamour as paparazzi chase some hollywooden redhead down a dark tunnel into a pylon at one hundred miles an hour, blood stains over the concrete forming a pattern that attracts more tourists than the art galleries.
the king turns out to be another mad dictator, his armies march to certain death in a hot climate, under resourced they have all mod cons but have to share water rations. the burning sun melts their letters home.
all your friends are hooked up to a bunch of pharmaceuticals, mood swings, there's a terrible sickness sweeping through the luxury set, they suffer the vampyric curse, can't get enough blood, can't satisfy that thirst, hunger, thirst, desire, eternal boredom. the walking dead haunt the streets, the walking wounded stay indoors listening to the screws turning, eating out of generic tin cans, 'spam man, gourmet cat food sister, some of that artificial flavourade you stole of your little brother,' you just don't care about nutrition anymore.
what city is this, the one that never ends, all cities join up here, geography singularity, end of the line, borders don't mean shit now. the horizontal axis the vertical latitude, your co ordinates are unaligned, your third eye unhinged, all futures fail, the sky turns black, black rain falls, the ocean stops, the moon falls out of the skies, your smoking a joint looking at it all through your rose coloured glasses, you sitting naked in a bath filled with ice, a girl with a pair of ray bans sits besides you lighting your joints, she's your wife, you and her and those whacked out kids playing in a garden, waiting for the end of the world, you don't fear, you don't care about anything, you lived your life, you seen it all you found everything you ever wanted in her and if your number is up, then it's up, what ya gonna do?
she don't care either, there's no fear where you are. she slips off her clothes and slides in next to you, laying there in that chilled out zone, sharing that final joint, you kiss the side of her face, that beautiful face, you just feel love, like a bubble wrapped around you like a protection. nothing can penetrate that, nothing can pierce what you have, no zombie, no vampyre, even the radio active fall out, nothing that any man made can stop the sheer power of love.
outside the world starts to burn, faces, places, people you never met, familiars and strangers turn to dust but you, you her and the ones within just shine. like stars.

forever baby
by
the deep fix

see the stars shine their ancient light
and time spans the great divide
you and i are star dust
travelling side by side
and we know what the story is
we know how it ends
once we were lovers
and now we are friends
from eternity to infinity
from infinity to eternity

that’s forever baby
forever now
that’s forever baby
forever now

see horizons curve before us
big dividing lines dissolved
any distance that lays between us
it’s a matter of resolve
we don’t care about tomorrow
that was yesterday
and all really that matters now
is we are here to stay
from eternity to infinity
from infinity to eternity

that’s forever baby
forever now
that’s forever baby
forever now


if the angels can dance upon
the head of that tiny pin
open up that beautiful heart
and let me come back in
you know me now
you see me with the eye within
we think we are separate
but we are just orbiting
for eternity to infinity
for infinity to eternity



that’s forever baby
forever now
that’s forever baby
forever now

i've peered into miss cupcakes womb and seen the face of her baby, it's exactly the same beautiful face as her mother, the same eyes, the same nose, the same cheekbones and the same mouth, yeah she's a killer, even got the same kinda movements and that fighting spirit, wow. the little being moved around a lot, then it yawned a few times, stretched it's arms and fell asleep tucked up against the placenta pillow.
we have it on good information this is a young soul, it needs protection, it's gonna be sensitive. i can see this in a strange way, around it's little aura. this is no ordinary child, it's going to have some power, i can see it clear as day. wonderful.

karma, the energetic intention carried forwards from the past action. this can manifest in several forms often indistinguishable from the first action but related to it. how does the man whose good intention assists the butterfly emerge from the chrysalis deal with the fact that the butterfly now has no muscles to fly when it's wings form. he has crippled it. what happens to the karma. how are these two actions related. should a man actually directly influence his karma. the answer is intention.
the idea is not to use the brain but the heart, create action with good heart intention, thought is more powerful than action. heart is more powerful than thought.

my old friend lilly and i have been playing telephone ping pong, i'm looking forwards to connecting with her, she and i follow very similar paths only we hardly ever see one another. she's a pretty beautiful being, a mermaid i think, a surfer type with a yoga subtext, we used to live in a big old house together at palm beach, these days she's a bondi girl.
she rang me the other day to say she was going to see the fall and i'm looking forwards to hearing about it. she's been involved in the rock scene for a while, i recal her being very immpressed with perry farrel whom she massaged, said he was a very cool and intelligent guy. she once said to me 'i'm only going to marry a man who has read, 'women who run with the wolves' a book i have read.
yeah lilly and i have had our trials and tribulations, we had our adventures in love, we been pulled apart and back together and we are great friends. i'm looking forwards to seeing her again.

there's a super shit load of downloads i seem to be getting about a certain woman, i hope i'm wrong but it's coming through pretty loud and clear, my intuition is pretty spot on. it's a double edged sword, brings the sweet bird of truth and the vultures of uncertainty, fucks with my usual harmony but what can ya do?
gotta trust the big picture, and who she brings me. look at all the women i fucked around with, all amazing individuals, no androids or zombies except maybe one or two who slipped past me with the aid of an alcoholic illusion, it's a terrible enchantment i'll not fall for that again. anyway, same girl different face, all exeptional, all in strange relationships with the numb drugs, all really looking for the death wish, edge play, 'ahh ha what ya do for kicks?'
i play their games, i'm an octopus, eight arms to my magick, eight different sides, eight colours, everyone gets an arm, no one has the ability to percive the same one when damaged and fucked up, but as they get me, all things fall into place, ask the high priestess, she sees me as a complete being, she gets me.
you gotta die with me else it don't work. you gotta trust me with your life lest you can't die and if you can't die then you can't really live ergo you're already dead. that's the edge baby. does that turn you on?
me i am here for you, i work for the goddess, that's the truth, not my truth, the truth.

i am pushing a shopping cart around some massive cathedral type mall, miss cupcake is buying for her nursery, it's exciting stuff, we share the same tastes in almost everything, nothing to childish, no dumbing down here, somewhat sophisticated tastes and adult, not your average child. the place is huge, it's european and filled with nesting mothers following strange urges, it's hard not to be enthusiastic, our trolley is filled with stuff, i buy some strange orb lights and candles. suddenly i get a text from kate, she has a ticket for the church in newcastle, lizottes. well miss cupcake and i had planned a meal and a movie but she knows what this means to me.
'go' she says.
i drive up that freeway, it's hot and sticky, aircon on full whack, listening to the radio chat about julian assage the worlds most amazing man, hero of the libertarian. i kinda dig him. he is very cool in my books. i make good time, newcastle appears interesting, better than i remember it from 23 years ago, cafes everywhere, i park outside the hotel and meet kate inside. what a place, massive mock tudor, lots of space, nordic girls in bikinis, it's good top see kate, she's somewhat ethereal and about as obsessive about the church as i am, she has seen every gig this tour. we drive to lizottes, arrive just in time, it's full, the band come on as we walk inside, we make our way to the seats and table kate has booked. i text sam, who i hope will be there, she is.
we are listening to four incredible musicians, as individuals these people are exceptional, collectively they are a singularity, forget the beatles and the stones, the velvets and the smiths, this is a band that have played for thirty years constantly evolving and evoking the spirits of things, this is a band that don't write songs, they write spells and their spells enchanted me a long time ago.
i see them as often as i can, these people are amazing, to witness is to transported across the dimensions, it's not rock and roll, it's not just music but words, the words all make sense, the delivery the intent, these words are much more than throwaway lines to a spurned lover, these words have the epic quality of homer, the magickal power of shakspeares the tempest, the intense focus of proust and the haunting presence of a million ghosts with a story to tell. i love this band, kate loves them to.
i speak with sam in the interval, she is an amazing individual, a singularity, shes got some kind of avitar quality around her head, like a halo.
we watch the rest of the show, it's incredible. 'tear it all away' sounds so fresh, it's thirty years old!!!!!
marty thanks kate and i for coming along.
we wander around the ocean front after the show, some awkward birds sleeping in the shallow waters, clouds rolling in, temperature still humid, she says,'i feel safe with you.'
that's a good thing for me to hear.
back in the room i fall into a deep sleep, stirred only by the rainfall, we have all the windows wide open, a breeze blows through and in the morning i awake at 5am and drive back to sydney, the highway stretching out, one road to nico, one to cupcake, one to somewhere someplace.

what i want can't be given
what i need is unobtainable
but i love you both very much
that's all that matters
between a pregnant misscupcake and a open relationship with nico, why is everything just out of reach, i'm given everything i ask for but there's always some weird glitch, and when i'm in a certain mood alone i feel sad but when i'm with one of them i feel like the luckest man alive.

nico's sanctuary
the arms of love
the lips of sweet bliss
the curve of the kiss
eye's occasionally meet
in a good space
and we hold tight
in a safe place
and we sleep
in a gentle peace
and we drift
on a slow breeze
and we are
the bees knees.

wow, yeah she's a beautiful woman that nico, inside and out, doing her thing, looking like a french librarian, smoking her smokes, digging her scene, with her men and her man, with her chilled out room, and her wonderful bed where the hours melt away, where the breathing slows and the heart beats, where the dreams begin, where i breathed you in.

cupcake and i.
strange attractor
on an axis of intuition
thousands of years on the make
ten years in the making
ten years in the unmaking
all things cancelled
all dark energies subdued by love
the clusterfuck is over
we worked through it and come away with it's opposite
that's what friends do, right?
no
that's what soul mates do.

our purpose is:
to divine each other the innermost spirit of beauty that may have been changed by infiltration from chaotic influence.

to remind one another of unity.

to keep each other real, in gentle ways.

to love one another unconditionally.

to bring order to chaos.

we have spent 19 423 lifetimes together.

we have to keep each other safe.

i had a little breakthrough - my need for safety is in actual fact my need for miss cupcake to be safe.

excellent, my intuition is 100% on track, trust it mission, follow the hearts code, do your great work for her the goddess, she is your boss now, for you are matrix builder, vortex builder, harmonic resonance activator, explorer of new dimensional anomalies.

magickian.

covered in sweaty blue gunk i made my way through the canopy, the flora and fauna here was quite dangerous, flowers that looked beautiful would often hide the most awful dangers imaginable. there was a purple flower a lot like an earth gardenia but about twelve times the size, as you approached it the leaves started to peel back and reveal a crocodile shaped tendril that extended itself barring razor sharp teeth, the whole movement happened so fast you would literally see a blur of motion, there was no time to move away. my first officer had lost an arm, consequently died, and my colleague mr. smithers had been decapitated by these leaving his wife hysterical and covered in his blood. it took more than a slap to bring her out from her screaming state. however a few hours later she was burnt alive by a flame throwing tree that she stumbled to close to. yeah this planet was a bitch.
we were down to three crew and myself now, heading west towards the minor base hoping to find some weapons and some supplies, food and water. we reckoned we were four hours away, and would make it before dusk, which would be reassuring because dusk was when the bats came out. only these were not bats but savage and vicious pterodactyl like creatures, we had seen them from the safety of first base but never close up, and we all knew that we would not make it through the night.
we had two lasers and a magnetic repulsion unit. the mru just provoked the wildlife further, it seemed to have little effect as a deterrent. one laser had about 5% charge, the other was empty after two crew had used it as a means of escape, cowards.
the three of us were survivors, we made a pact to keep going until we found the base. but as dusk fell one of the men seemed to vanished, no signs of struggle and no noise, as if he had been swallowed whole by the jungle.
so the old man and myself tied a short rope to one another, we watched each others back as we marched through the darkness.
the old man and i had a long history, it was filled with episodes like this, we had been in tight spots many times, but we were lucky, we didn't care about fear, we lived only to live. we had seen all the worlds in the quadrant, from the expansive ocean worlds of section 7, the pleasure domes on anteries 5, we had fought in several wars and skirmishes and survived two space craft crash landings, yeah we were gonna make it.
we were one hour away, the thick gluggy residual liquid that oozed from the plant life was slowing us down, it had covered us completely, our boots were sticking to the ground, the heat was diabolical, it burnt our skin and the cooling systems in our suits packed up ages ago, slowing us down considerably, i'd taken most of mine off for a short while but that left me prone to the awful wasp like bugs that attacked in massive swarms. i'd quickly put mine back on, fortunately i'd escaped the sting but several of my crew were pierced and died an agonising death.
through the canopy we could see the red flashing light atop minor base, sanctuary, our step quickened. we stood before the tall pyramid structure, the entry panel had been overgrown with vines, i grabbed a handful to clear it and my hands started to burn. the old man was wearing his gloves and pulled the vine away, revealling the flat luminous panel.
i punched in the codes. i could see the fear in the old mans eyes. we were greeted by a blast of cold air as the panel slid open. we jumped inside.

trouble is my business, trouble is my name, trouble is my nature, trouble is my game and that's the fact's as she spilled the contents off her mind over my desk, it just poured out like the information superhighway, date, details, event's, lovers, relationships, business deals, secrets, all revealed in some action expressionist explosion of data.
i looked at the picture, it was mostly reds and various shades of danger red, over a black back ground, first impressions was trouble. the kind that starts with a capital T so i offered her a chair then i did what i had to do, which is pull out the tarot cards from my desk drawer and ponder the reading.
mmm, okay the reading was pretty damming, she was running from something or some one, possibly a man who is her husband, a man who is violent and unhinged, unpredictable and has a dark past. yeah we can see he's a sagittarius, but we know without the cards he's just another psychopath.
so she's on the run, hiding out, we can see the chase, she's been running for so long she can't stay still, she is filled with fear and residual violence hangs heavy in her soul. she has no one close to her, she's on her own, scared and desperate. she's got a little cash, inheritance from her fathers estate, but it's not much. she has no plans, she's desperate, there's the future but it's ambiguous, you see death, you see the hanged man, and you see sorrow but you can also see yourself there, the magickian, he's next to the hanged man, and death.
yeah trouble with a big T.
you fold the cards away in a cloth, you casually mention the cloth belonged to your great grandmother who was also a witch. she just stares at you as if you are mad. then she throws her cards on the table, 'protect me.'
yeah that's what it comes down to, it always does at the end of the road, protect me. if only you had a dollar for every woman that asked for that, man you would be sailing around the greek islands. you with your big frame and warrior heart, you with your strange eyes and intimidating mouth, men fear you but women see deeper. they see the poet and if they are skilled in perception they read the poem and they feel heartbroken by it but they know you are safe. yeah sanctuary, that's me.
so you grab the cash from your safe, you pick up your browning and throw some supplies into a bag, you leave your overcoat and take a crystal ball instead, you also take a pair of binoculars which you stick into the bag. you grab your passport and ask for hers.
shuffling her out the door you lead her down the back steps, where no one can see you, you move out in stealth towards the garage where the ute is parked. you keep the browning close at hand and shove her in the passenger seat, putting the bag on her lap, you jump in, all cock sure and ready for anything. she's looking anxious, you can smell her fear and far more subtle you also scent your own fear.
you move through the streets slowly, the car is discrete, it won't attract attention, it melts into the shadows and slides along anonymously.
she sits besides you, she's reapplying her lipstick and powdering her face, she's looking good and smelling better. you can taste the tension in the car, you can feel it like a terrible heat eating away at you, it's been a long time since you been with a woman, you may be reading the signs wrong here but you can almost taste the pheromones leaking from her soft white skin, she's like an erotic ghost.
you light up a smoke, you shake the lust away, breathing deeply you pull yourself together and you focus.
'thank you,' she says softly.
'it's okay, no problem, we just need to get to highway 7 and we can leave the city, head south and i'll get you over the border.'
'he will find me down there.'
'no babe, he won't, we are going deep cover.'
she has no questions, she's a smart cookie, she knows she has no choice but to trust me, she closes her eyes and breaths out slowly.
'get some sleep sister. i'll wake you in a few hours.'
i stick some travelling music into the cd, it's a band called the deep fix, an ambient soft classical piece of strange sonic soundscapes, yeah it's all unfamiliar territory and we need an appropriate soundtrack.
four hours and four coffees later i need to take a piss so i pull over. i wake her up and give her the gun,. big mistake i'm thinking as i'm pissing in the sidelines.
the car comes out of the night, lights switched off, i hear it's throb but by the time i turn around its to late. it slams into the ute and i watch the steam and smoke smother both cars. i hear the deep fix still playing, a soft piano and a lost saxophone over the words...

'all your secrets are secure
and i'll keep you safe.
fears kept at bay
and i'll always stay....'

i'm running to the door, pulling it open and dragging her out, she's out cold which makes it harder, those sexy red heels are scratched up badly, her dress is torn.
i can feel one side of my face burning, eyes fill with water, i can't tell how bad it is through the pain. i have her wrapped around me, i'm putting her across my shoulder and running away, hoping some other transport will stop soon but it's night and there's nothing on the roads. i reach a safe perimeter and then i hear laughing.
somehow i still have the browning, i put her down and make my stand.
he's howling now, like a wounded coyote, this is it i think, it's kill or be killed.
she's at my feet, her red dress all dirtied and covered in blood. she's bleeding from her arm and from her face. i strip a bit of my shirt and soak it up, then with the rest we make a compress over the gash on her arm.
i stand up and look for him, but there's only his laughter.
meanwhile she's moving, trying to sit up. i wish i had another piece i'd give it to her, he'd never suspect that, he's not smart enough, all brawn.
that's when everything goes to hell. he's come from behind, has me on the floor. i can't see his face but i can smell his sweat, the raw testosterone making me choke more than his arm around my neck, i find the crystal ball, fingers clutching it's smooth surface and in one swift and graceful move i arc my arm into his skull, there's a sound, a deep bass like thropb, there's no time for anything else but to check the girl, she's in shock.
she's nodding to me, starts whimpering as i wrap my overcoat around her.
we look at the wreckage, a car pulls up, we jump in and leave it all behind.
i'm gazing through the binoculars as the scene fades, i can see him lifting himself up, i can see his face, the agonizing look of fury and that madness in his eyes.
'is he dead' she asks?
'yeah, he died a long time back.'
'he's gonna find us and kill us.'
'no. he won't. i promise he won't kill us.'
'did you read that in your crystal ball?'
she had me there.

my world is becoming better, personal life seems in order, there's just enough chaos for me to play with, challenges are more financial than anything else at the moment, it's going to be a lean period. gotta bunker down, against the storm, it's only money, can't fucking take it with you, can't buy you any happiness that means anything, it's a strange thing when you do the maths, i'm not a good mathematician but this stuff i get easy, i process fast these days and my interests are not that enmeshed with the material realms of maya. although i'd love to have some sort of break from bills and the fucking fines i have accumulating.
xmas looms up, it's not a day i enjoy, i think im gonna hide away and hang with my dog lest i just feel lost. and i am somewhat lost on that one day each year now jake has gone although most of the time i actually feel found. i don't like the xmas thing, i hate new years and i find all sorts of celebration around these events disappointing and transient. i'm no grouch or grinch but really people look at what your doing, how your behaving, look at the relentless pursuit of consuming as you are consumed by the void. we chop trees, stuff ourselves, soak up the poison alcohol, remove ourselves from the holy, ignore the real need, drown out the real plead, numb to truth, deaf to the cry, blind to the sight.
bring back the pagan at least it was authentic.
anyway let's leave that alone, focus on what really is important...

miss cupcake - well i think we did it. you are magnificent, a brave and gracious spirit is born twice. i love you.
nico - wow! the world is our oyster, or some sort of sexy food stuff.
agent stone - ha, well sister i love you to, your a good friend.
trina - i love you where the hell are you. all i want is your xmas presence.
leanne - i'm on your side sister, we can move evan over to the good side of the force, he's almost there :)
wendy the witch - thank you for the work, i felt much lighter after you.
hp- oh i love ya to sister, you know that.
gravey, evan, steve, val, loius, nev - the only men i love, (in the brotherly way people!!!!). i'm very grateful you are in my life guys.
sue and simon - such great friends, thank you so much, i would be lost without your continual support and encouragement.
the church - what can i say. i hear your magick, it seduced me a long time ago and i'm very grateful.
my enemies - i love you to, suckers!
the great dog pan - what a privilege to be your student.
the great spirit - everyday you blow my mind, and it's beautiful.
and that's about it. not a long list but a real one. my people.

cross town traffic, early morning coffee on the beach watching the ferry travel in, people moving everywhere, sun hitting the water, nico looking pretty spectacular, me looking pretty dishevelled.
we head back to nicos and fall into bed, our eyes meet for that connection and suddenly all is known, time just slips away, bodies merge and boundaries fall away, i love this honesty, i love the fact there are no agendas here, no pretence, just two wounded veterans with a reprive on a world of hurt amnd pain, no words, no demands, nothing to be said, only one thing we want for the other, to feel safe. two hours of peace, pleasure and safety and right in the middle of it all i say, 'there's a little bit of evil in you.'
she smiles.
'perfect' i say.

the church 30th year sydney gig, acoustic backwards chronologically delivered.
outstanding. i can't really say anything about it yet, except 'grind' and 'iona song' and 'invisible' were transcendentally magnificent.

dinner under a loud tree, those angry birds, you and me. it's not high noon but low twilight, dusk invoked. we skirt the fringes, avoid the issues, the cosmic dance of vishnu, i direct you, you counter direct, i conceded and you receded, we are slightly out of whack, we need a chiropractic adjustment on out auras, your looking like you stepped out from a miami backdrop, i'm very stoned and some what ravaged by lack of sleep. but i've taken the dragon and looked it in the eye, i do know what to do, what to say, it's simple now, it's really our last chance, so i have no choice.
we go to the place we always went, we eat something from the past and we skimp around talking about some thing other than wheat we should and then we launch into it, and i say it. the things i couldn't. that bit actually felt good, i was on the cusp, almost there, like a flower opening up, in bloom until it slammed shut. i say my words and then you begin the dissection, blood and guts spilling out all over the table, yeah i can't deny my own processes and they may not be fair to you but they are the best i got right now, i'm sorry. you were very gracious and kind that night.

relativity

light travels fast
but wherever it goes
the dark got there first
does that mean it's slow?
thought's have a speed
they named velocity
and every one thinks
out of a strange curiosity
and girls move faster
than the speed of the sun
i just can't keep up
with every one


ahh relativity
makes life so easy
time stops everything
happening at once
and ahh relativity
gives room for the will
time will flow
until i am still.

auto suggestion, the hypnotherapist plants suggestions and the subconscious areas like fertile soil wait for the germination of an idea. the mind is indeed a powerful playground but it absolutely has no power when it comes to the heart. and together once the mind has been tamed they can form a powerful team, batman and robin or in my case laurel and hardy. i don't suffer fools yet i am a fool sometimes, to hold onto such anger can only bring more suffering to everyone, and this is not my path. i have released myself from these things but they occasionally trigger themselves, a desperate attempt from lower consciousness reptilian mammalian mind to restore it's dominion but the reality is a weakness.
i probably should see my friend wendy the witch and have her work over my wounds sealing up the damaged areas. i miss her.
and news just in the lesbians are coming, they have tracked me down. i recall my first blog was written after a party with them.

such is my truth people can read about my own weaknesses and lack of insight, people can see i get angry, bitter and often write stupid things, i am incredibly flawed and the very thing i despise in others exists within myself. i feel ridiculously inept at explaining my blog to people, it's not just a blog. it's a holographic representation of my consciousness at various points in time. i have sat down here and written every day since i started without any censorship, i write what comes into mind without even knowing what i write and i never read back old posts, i mnever really change anything once it's up and i never ever edit or delete posts. except once where i did edit a post however be warned, if you take it seriously and invest the idea that the blog is me, then you will be disappointed. i use the blog in many ways, diary, sounding board, thinking tool, journal, disclosure, a place where i am free to express myself, sometimes in a destructive way, inwards and outwards. this is my many personas, they come out here. if you don't like it don't read it but i have to be free to express myself as expansively as i can. no one can put limits on that.

nevin plays guitar, we put him in a big room and rig up his amp, he hears the song, i explain the story in the song and offer him what i call parameters, he plays and we listen, he finds the zone and then we go again, this time record, one or two takes we have something. it's a texture, nevin creates three dimensional music, he's all feel and energy like me. i'm so glad he's around, what a lovely gentleman he is. we talk about kahlil gibran, his book the prophet, love and we smoke a lot of weed.
the next day i redo my vocals on 8 division sky place. i sing this time with confidence and ease, two takes we nail it.
a quick mix. all is falling into place.
i feel like i need one more song, a blues song, acoustic guitar, harmonica and piano and some simple drumming. i dunno, may heave to write some words.

anna slips through a vortex i created in a restaurant in new town.
she sit's opposite me and i pour her a glass of water. i have been expecting her but not in such a powerfully affirming way.
she talks to me about a number of subjects affirming my mission and warning me to get out of sydney within the next two years. she calls me an avatar.
we discuss various magickal theory, animal spirits and the glamour.
we swap a little history. four blood lines each, immunity from the spells although she's a lot less romantic than i am. i'm easily enchanted in that department.
it's a flow, her and i, it's intelligent and yet funny, she got me before she even spoke to me,
it's an incredible download and i come away with some very important information. affirmation.

bad outcome good out come who knows what's what, the dice have fallen. i take responsibility for that. three months off. ha! well that''s good, that's at least another cd worth of material excellent, excellent material.

scan the damage, mmm, it's all in the psychic areas, around the heart, the throat and somewhere in the back. jesus look at that third eye man he needs some white magick fast.
listen to that buzzing in the head, like angry wasps. let's continue diagnostics, see this, burning in the third eye, mmm, may need some antidote around the cerebellum as well, strange neo cortex feedback, mmm, can't quite reach....pass that spray pump. remember when it happened the first time, yeah he was messed up then but he's resilient, never saw anyone that quick with re-fragmentation.
he's been around the block another voice says.
yeah this is the last one i hear.
yeah that's why he has them, protecting him.
lets get look deep inside, prepare probes, chemical analysis 'mmm, i don't like the look of this.
he took it bad.
yeah i can see large intrusion of damage, look here at these rips in his aura.
mmm, it's leaking, we may need to seal this.
we need a specialist for this, look at the damage. it's gonna take a lot of love to fix this.
there's only one girl for him now.
there always was only one girl for him.
he had to get to her through the cluster fuck.
yeah, well maybe it's all true, maybe everything he speaks and writes is all true.
do you think she can fix him.
yeah she's an angel she can fix anything.
he always wanted an angel.
well now he's got hundreds
which one will he put at the top of his tree.
the one that loves him

ah disappointment floods through my veins like a dangerous acid burning up my creativity, my spark, my power, sucked up into a void inhabited with voidiods and zombies. at least i have the anti cluster fuck, it's opposite, something good, honest and nurturing feminine energy.
my sleep deprived body is failing, i can feel the physical manifestation of this awful experience weighing down oppressing me, like a small cage, my expansive nature trapped and sealed by toxic stupidity and the company it keeps.

i have to take responsibility, i have no choice. i took a hit, it's not fatal, i should have seen it coming, stupid me, it's all there to in the pattern of the foggy past, your friends who tore us apart, each one in a progression of scavenger tactics over our relationship, until a carcass was left. i was always the odd one out, squished between all these horrible forces you seemed to embrace in your drug fucked alcoholic states. collateral damage. fall out from just your world of hurt and self hate projection at even, love. how little you value that.
that's the trouble with our future, i seen it all before in our past now. clique.

i came in at the right time, i heard that call and i was sent by forces you would never ever understand it's a war baby, i fight for your child and you shoot me in the back. motherhood gone wrong already.
there's no doubt in the eye of my heart. i was sent out for you, i was there when you really needed some one, i came as a friend, with no agenda other than keep you and your baby safe and maybe heal some thing for us both.

i hear the plead, diminished responsibility, i hear it everywhere through the land, we are a diminished responsibility species, no consciousness. it's the final programme, we are at the end of the line, i took the bullet for you. i'm free now. i don't owe you nothing, that baby is your baby, your red headed friend can play dad and offer support, or even the stupid one whom you defend. the killing joke.

amongst the multitude i walk for she has sent me as as her captain on my mission, liberation. libertaria. madagascan deja vu.
each trial, each battle just makes me stronger, i have no fear anymore, i don't fear you at all. i have no fear. (except big moths)