miss cupcake goes off to have a facial type treatment while i am asked to take my pants off. her exact words are 'just leave your undies on.'
'what undies.' i reply.
i'm laying on a massage table while ari rubs oils on my back and jumps up to give me one and a half ours of blissful massage with her hot rocks. she has great hands, lovely smile and we immediately fall into rapport, laughing and giggling. she interrogates me about my love life, only to find it complex and intriguing.
'why you not married?' she asks.
'im unloveable i guess.'
we have a laugh. she tells me she 'likes a happy ending.'
'me to,' i answer.
suddenly an hour later i have an emotional response, i'm thinking about the 10 years, i'm thinking about everything between, my loves, my losses, my fucking delusions and my dream to find my equal. a trickle of tears fall down my face.
i know what this is, i let it happen.
healing takes place on many levels, physical, emotional, spiritual, this is my physical healing, i'm in the thick off it, working it out my system, i cry a little. untangled things spill out from my pores, gasps, grunts, groans, it's like being purified by taking a battering, they say the body holds all information and memories, well this whole bunch came pouring out.
all this writing is healing. i think you spend half your life experiencing everything you can, sucking the marrow from the bones and wanting more, bring it on you say and then one day when your fat, old and tired and the kids have left you don't want any more fucking experience, you just want to heal from the first fifty years, ha! that's life i guess, dealing out it's cards.
so yeah i know i'm close now, sorting out my strange past lives, now i just gotta work out how i want my future to pan out.
that's actually the hard bit.
but i've narrowed it down.
i want the future to be safe for me and those i love.
i want to be healthy.