life has been cruel to me, it torments and teases me along the way, often harmlessly, little ironic bit's and pieces but occasionally it
drops a clanger on me, like todays little shopping adventure with miss cupcake who went into peter alexanders and tried on some sort of floral pj bottom thing with frills and lacy bits and despite them being over her clothes, she just held them up to her and asked me what i thought, it was obvious that something inside me started to melt and my strong self imposed boundaries started to cascade the way a chocolate egg would in a microwave.
how awfully unfair.
yet we had a nice day, eating everywhere and everything, miss cupcake does have good taste in food, clothing and style except when it comes to those horrid cork high heeled leisure shoes, totally ridiculous and thankfully i talk her out of buying them.
'you only want to oppress me.' she says. i'm pretty sure she is serious.
'i don't need to do that miss cupcake. i say, and i mean it.
it was a strange moment but it passed and i guess she will return tomorrow to buy them shoes, probably just to spite me, but also cos she genuinely seemed fond of them. i don't know, shoes and girls are like hippo's and water, you don't ever get between them.
what a great day though. wow, i wish life could be like that all the time.
just simple.
miss cupcake made a fantastic breakfast, i recall her making me eggs every morning when we were in a relationship, mmm, she's good with her eggs. speaking about which, we heard her babies heartbeat with a little portable monitor, it sounds amazing, like an underwater train, strong and affirmative. i think it's a girl.

i knew this girl that steals cars, she is good at it, really good. we went out for a few weeks and each night she would turn up in a different car. i think she was trying to impress me, however i made it clear to her that i don't care much for these kind of things and if she stole books instead i would marry her. she liked that i wrote, she particularly liked my short story, 'the definitive head job' which i'll post up here when i find it. it is a great story and every word is true.
any way car thief girl liked her speed and often we drove through the western parts of sydney like crazed freaks filled with the right stuff, pushing the limits, i'm sure she induced a few sonic booms in some fancy yellow car with a low suspension and big wheels, come to think of it. however i was never one for all this larking around, i liked a nice cuppa tea and a good book, cosy up on the sofa, smoke a spliff, the speed thing was okay but the stealing cars for joy rides got me down. i was younger then but i still had a terrible sense of responsibility and guilt would eat away. now this crazy girl sped all over the place yet never did she ever get caught. it puzzled me. i asked her and she just smiled.
then one night she got out from bed and went for a shower and while she was out i noticed all her clothes on the floor and got up to fold them up and hang them, being an anal ocd type.
as i folded her pants her wallet fell out and opened before me. and there was her police badge.
i jumped back into bed with one thought on my mind, mmm, where there are police women there are handcuffs. much more fun than speeding around the western lands.

the creator of the universe has asked me to tell you about a new game, it's called destiny and is on sale at most good places. the game is neither a strategy nor role playing game, it has no rules other than you start at a given point in space time and finish at another, the object being to utilise the optimal frictionless pathways to get there. sounds simple but the game is fraught with challenges, the biggest being free will an inherent phycological program that we assume runs in opposition to destiny, yet in order to reach one's destiny one must eventually come to the conclusion free will is the same thing.
once the player has realised that free will involves unlearning almost every thing one has been taught, undoing one's dna, ones constructed subjectivity, one's programming they are closer to a state of being free and therefore understanding their will. with true will one creates and follows their destiny, it makes no difference if one believes this is predetermined. destiny is the goal.

funny how the past catches up and haunts you, they say it's memories, but mostly i think it's resolution. i'm pottering around mission control, the place is a mess, so i'm moving papers and books, i discover a letter written by a girl i was interested in, we had corresponded a few times and i started to hang our with her a lot, we were very attracted to one another but we had also decided to take things slowly as we were both kinds damaged from earlier relationships. i read the letter, her tiny handwriting, it stirred something inside me, something deep. i don't know, i guess it's what could have been as now we are still good friends, she had a baby, lives down the road but the romantic feelings are not there, we are just friends. reading her letter i got a sense of how much pain she must have been in and what a strange character i must have been for her. i never conformed to the traditional male aggressive hunter type taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. i think that was all she had known. my whole approach to women is different, especially if i really like them.
anyway's reading this letter took me back to a time of full moon escapades, cocaine nights and adventures with my friend. we were both in love but it was not the love of lovers, it was like a boy and girl innocently exploring a world with all it's strange wonders and dangers, they could have written a book about us, a fantasy type book about a kung fu warrior type who becomes enchanted by a elven princess.
that princess was agent stone. she's still my friend i'm happy to say although we had some awkward moments where we never saw one another for years. i went down a different path and she went down motherhood. i usually throw away old love letters but i wanna keep this one, cos it's really soulful and takes me back to the days we would jump over rocks whacked out on strange drugs, looking at the moon at 1am in the morning, searching for kingdom that lays between worlds. that silvery path cast by the moon upon the water, that was our path.
sometimes we would go clubbing, strange fetish clubs and parties, i'd be trashed and agent stone would always get me home, she just liked to dance and play with the elf boys, me i was there for the ride, i still am, travelling along in the passenger seat with her, although the magickal kingdoms are my domain now.

quiet days, i'm watching an old friend go through a big change in her life, it's fantastic, really beautiful, i'm so happy when people beat their demons, when people are strong enough to change their lives around. it's inspiring and wonderful, and my friend has done this, albeit through some divine intervention but she did it and is doing it and i respect that.
me i cruse through the days, a bog speeding event hangs over my head, i'm really disappointed in myself, it's going to effect my life in such a serious way, not being able to drive for three months.
i returned to work, every one missed me, it seems, that's nice, i felt good to return to some routine although i was overwhelmed by the actual work, jesus, i work hard up there, no time for sitting around when you have people to drive around and cook for, keep stimulated and keep their thoughts positive and in synch. i drive home through the night feeling tired and worn out. sleep comes fast and feels deep and nurturing, oh yeah captain mission needs nurturing, his energies are spent, his mind is expansive and wants to retreat back to a bali simplicity, with a beautiful girl and some blue skies, a sunset and sunrise, some healthy food, the beach, the feeling of safety.

the child is in the power of adults, it has no control, the child want's to have some control over his destiny yet the adults refuse to acknowledge this, the child is disturbed in this world where it is scared all the time, it takes one step forwards and then two steps back, it's nervous and confused, it seeks escape from this pain, it feels violated and humiliated and at the mercy of the power brokers, the ones that inhabit it's world.
the adults say face the fear, they insist they are safe, but the boy feels unsafe, he screams and cries, the boy wants out...
the adults have the power, the boy has none, all he wants is control, the only way he can take it is by exiting,
the adults confront the problem head on, the boy runs away and returns later, he is subdued and ready to engage. he deals with the issue very well, the adults have held an impromptu intervention. they embark on a game called 'wish' the game is excellent, it's challenging and affirming, everyone plays and interacts, but old captain mission gets mixed messages and projections, yet he likes this game. others get breakthroughs and realisations, the boy gets some good ones and seems calmer now, the process is working, the wish is being granted. the adults here did really well, they took a big chance and it paid off, the boy smiles, he seems content and happy. he is brave. he has a little more control now.

love, i'm surrounded with love, tough love, unconditional love, true love, first love, smart love, dumb love, idiot love, love at first sight, soul love, sexual love, hard love, slow love, new love, old love, brotherly love, sisterly love, violent love, passive love, conditional love, fast life, real love, fake love, covert love, insidious love, obvious love, love that kills, love that thrills, love love love, yeah. love songs, love poems, love letters, love affairs and love missiles, love traps, love crackles, love pops, love rocks and love rolls, love is the drug, love is a battlefield, love is all, love is big, big love, small love, love is cruel, love is beautiful, love is forever, love is never, love comes in spurts, love comes in squirts, love just comes, love goes, love is a wave, love is a particle, love transmits, love receives, love is a energy, love ebbs, love flows, love is a star, love is the fifth element.

my first swim in a long while, down the beach the waves look good, big and powerful, i wander in with my hand fin, recalling steve's words, 'break through the cold barrier' which i attempt to do but it's very difficult as i feel my testes shoot upwards towards my tonsils, cold is an understatement.
i break through and catch waves, oh yes this is it, i'm flying over the water, weaving waves, my heart beats, blood flows, i'm alive again. yeah this is what i need to do. perfection.
i dry fast in the sun, soaking up the rays, absorbing the energy, like a big solar panel. my friend asks if i wanna go see 'joy division' but i don't know if i can, i'm kinda exhausted and need some nurturing. i hear the pixies and elves calling me. i think of aimee,
i take pan for his evening walk, see evan and leanne who i've convinced to try the bath potion, they are excited, even evan is looking forwards to testing the effects. i tell him it's like being abducted by fairies, pixies and elves. your eye's close and you wake up thousands of years later.
pan and i meet people down the street, we buy a drink, we run and play, we wander back to mission control for lockdown, i smoke a big spliff, my body sinks into my sofa. eyes lids close, breathing slows, heartbeat slows, i jack in to the dreamworld.

captain mission drives to newtown to see steve's play 'van park'
the play is set in a caravan park, inhabited by john paul jones, his wife and son and a backing band who are also supporting characters.
the son is probably the only stable character in the park, he falls in love with a visitor who is doing field research for a degree while doing what appears to be some sort of stripper work. steve's character is an eccentric chap called nebuchadnezzar a sort of mystical musician, cosmic hippie, actually not far away from steve himself.
the play was great, steve was amazing, a brilliant actor as were all the cast and great music, it was indeed a wonderfully entertaining night with every one dancing together, audience and cast at the end. my fave bit, (without steve) was the john paul young singing 'lets have an orgy.'
later as i drove home i considered the future, amazon looming up, i will need to prepare, fitness is first so i guess i'm going to have to start some sort of regime. plus i will need to investigate the medical insurance aspects, tim says it's the last place to get sick, they would have to fly me out of the country. i also need to work out the clothes that i will need and carry a hammock as we cannot sleep on the ground, the ground kills. death from below.
i so don't wanna think about these things, i'm overwhelmed by bills, and responsibilities, car issues, work, personal stuff and now this, it's like another clusterfuck, maybe it's the same one, all things being connected.
speaking of which what happened to that cupcake girl, she said 5 sleeps and it's been about 50. anyway i guess she's having fun up there in the sun and surf relaxing with her baby.
i hang out with agent stone, she makes me nice tea, she thinks aya is a drug, we have a discussion but i don't think i can convince her.
i guess it's not for everyone.
i hang out with hp, she's coming to the amazon with us, i'm the man in the middle. between tim and her i think i stand more of a chance with the jaguars.
it's a hot day, i'm heading for the beach for a surf, the first in many i hope.

i'm enjoying my day, peaceful and introspective and still, i found tranquility.
then i meet tim and he reminds me we are going to the amazon in three weeks. i fall off my chair, start choking, 'jesus christ tim, what do you mean?'
'three weeks.' he says.
he tells me he has already got his jabs. i'm dumbfounded. we are freaking going to the amazon and i am really unprepared.
hp joins us, she asks if she can come along to, will tim buy her ticket and in a moment of incredible generosity tim says yes.
we are all going to the amazon.
fuck me!

as soon as i sit down, bring the reality of tranquility, symbolised by a still lake surface, i project myself wandering close to it and slowley taking my clothes off and wading out, swimming and laying upon my back, floating in the summer sun, listening to nature, being still and finding peace within and without, my subconscious weaves through, surfacing, my phone goes off, it's a text from aimee the yoga girl i met at the ceremony. wow, i'm smiling, in my tranquility. how lovely.
we exchange messages and i get a good positive feeling.
later i sit down and read the soul book, it's quite brilliant as patrick delves into the jungian idea of anima and animus, the personification of the guide that leads us towards soul, often in dreams we see our animus.
i recall my dreams where women appear, all quite beautiful, i never have nightmares about them, they come as nature spirits or strong power figures, bursting with sun light or moon light, my dreams are extremely sensual and often sexual. i can see why after reading this book. i have a strong connection with the feminine principle, jung says, the anima is the feminine principle at work. even women will dream of the anima.
the idea of this even runs through alchemy where the ourobouros represents prime matter, the sun and moon, king and queen, are aspects of our psyche, soul, spirit and body which obey the command, ''solve et coagula' be dissolved and coagulate, wrenched apart and recombined in many distillations.
the language of alchemy is awkward and clumsy but it is the process that is followed that makes it worthy as a means, which is quite different from modern therapy which does not allow for fragmentation, it cannot accept we are many selves. they tend to move towards growth and unity of an integrated personality.
jung says there is no linear movement, and i have stated this as well elsewhere in this blog, the process occurs outside time and space, it is the sum of experience when reflected back, looked at in patterns. uniform development exists at the beginning later, everything points to the centre.here we can see how jung was obsessed by mandelas.

my cousin eagle rang me, he's a lecturer on the mayan calendar, knows quite a bit about it, we often chat and talk about it, he's a bit more technical than i am, understands the whole physics of it whereas i am just intuitive. we always have brilliant conversations, he's also in a band, they play rock music and sound quite good. it's nice chatting to people who know what's going down, nice in a couple of ways, one that i don't feel like i am going mad, another is that people like this have a good motivational effect upon me, they kick my ass, get me focused and inspired.
having said that all i did today was have lunch with evan, walk pan and sit around reading, not really productive. i did some domestics, mmm, and i sat in the sun absorbing some energy, contemplated some ones navel and wondered how everything fits together, it's all impossible. yet for me that makes it all possible. i don't quite know how it all works, i have no idea how these things work really but it's all in my heart and therein lays the key.
invokation rituals call in energies, into manifestation, one can invoke personalities, materials, it's a command or conjuration.
the thing about magick is it needs to be aligned with science, specifically the quantum theory.
reality is filled with potential, all futures are probable, we the experiencer decide which ones we travel along,mostly propelled by destiny or will, each moment determined by choice. therefore the point of invocation is to subconsciously bring into being the reality we want that determines the outcome of our spell.
the probability should have a narrow margin, it's no good wanting some ridiculous thing, like fame or a supermodel partner when you don't have these things close at hand, the statistical probability must be reasonable lest magick becomes wishful thinking. the other paradoxical issue is one cannot want or desire the outcome, it must be conducted with a high level of non attachment to the result. these are the keys of magickal theory.
so tomorrow i will invoke the dimension i wish to travel down. i will need to enter an altered state of consciousness to do this, for the psychic sensor needs to be disengaged.
i'm still uncertain what i am invoking, i think it will be something along the lines of tranquility.

here i am at mission control, it's messy and cluttered with books, mmm, mission procrastinates cleaning them up, he's loathe to cull, but the inevitable awaits. i clean the bathroom, do my laundry, it's pathetic that i have to do this in the bath, a grown man doing his laundry in the bath, jesus, is this what i have become, some sort of independent wizard relegated to a life in isolation washing his robes in the bath, broke and struggling to make his musical statements, running his amazing rituals and experiments to hack the cosmos and attune himself to the universe, drinking his plant medicines smoking his spliffs, is this the life i imagined when i was younger.
some how i thought i'd be a writer swanning around south east asia with a beautiful wife by my side but here i am washing my shirt in the bath.

sunlight streams the space between us
one message i sent sinks into a long distance void
another fills the night
where do these lost things go?
where do they reside?
i took the highway to the end
the train until it stopped
my car ran out of road
my zeppelin drifted high
icurus flew into the sun
mission flew into the heart
every one looks for the end
but we always look for the start
for in beginnings lay infinite possibilities
and we are one of those
and in beginnings potentiality lays
and there is no map or charts
so trust all the instruments attuned
trust your intuition
trust the intention of the captain
and trust your vision
let the universe do the rest.

song writing comes when it comes, i can't force it, yet inspiration is a strange thing, i'm usually inspired by women, the universe and my personal experience, but occasionally i'm inspired by books, movies and art. i'm reading a fantastic book at the moment which ties everything together really well. it's called the 'complete guide to the soul' and i think it's really one of the completest books on the spiritual universe i have ever read.
it's scope is magnificent and the author patrick harpur has achieved greatness in rigourously investigating the subject and articulating his results in a very accessible honest way.
looking at the anthropological aspects he moves towards the western perceptions of consciousness originating from shamanistic experience and occult schools into quantum physics and then into exploring in a practical way how one can attune themselves to their soul nature, which is different from spirit.
it's rare for me to read such a good book on the subject and mainstream publishing don't really ever get this close, but mr. harpur has done a great job here and needs acknowledgement.

a massive black cloud approaches fast, the sun is blacked out, the beautiful languid day suddenly changes intention as an expansive shadow falls across the land. i've just been reading a fantastic book about jung, his discovery of the collective unconscious and the exploration of archetypes, wow what a major breakthrough in consciousness, but he got there through the mythic heroic journey, the dark night of the soul, see you do have the pain before the bliss.
he came back with :
the child
the hero
the great mother
wise man / woman or sage
the trixter
the devil
the scarecrow
the mentor
but the list is endless

the five main archetypes are:
the self
the shadow
the anima
the animus
the persona



the song atlantis by that super cool cat donovan mentions 12 archetypes leaving the ancient doomed city and spreading out to the rest of the earth. it's a great song, i really love it, it reminds me of where i have come from.

if i were to turn myself inside out which i tend to do once a month there lays the water tiger. i usually prowl the beaches with pan walking out to the water path cast by the moons light, we take our power from this, a good medicine, a strong medicine.
the tiger manifests under certain circumstances, usually when captain mission needs a friend, some extra strength or courage, in the face of fear, in the face of love or when it feels it needs to remind captain mission who he is.
i have many allies, many animal guides, many totems, but tiger is my nature. it is my power. i wrote earlier about my tiger dream and what it meant to me, still ever clear in memory although the experience occurred 16 years ago. there are some dreams that are not just dreams.
i've worked hard over those years, actually for the last 25 years, perfected my inner landscape and alchemised the process towards something true, it's the battle within and i am aware there is a long way to go.
it's a journey worth taking, lifetimes and lifetimes i've covered this ground, getting closer and closer, from atlantis to sydney, from the stars to the sun, from the outer reaches of the universe to the inner recesses of my spirit and soul, they are the same.
i draw the card today, i draw it now.
i know.



the ace of discs.
success that is experienced internally and externally, internally represented by four angel wings of conciousness, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, externally represented by coins and crystals. the card represents manifestation externally and internally.
this symbol is the highest manifestation of cards, it is the capacity to manifest or produce what you want internally and externally.
sometimes this takes a year although i think i have attained this now as the opening part of this entry confirms this.

emergency drive across town, i'm about 56 hours without a really good sleep but i feel fantastic, although my cough has got worse, i did forget about a special dinner tonight, i have to make bondi in an hour for margos birthday. i make it on time and we all end up at the nice japanese place on the corner, i sit next to tim powles and it's the first time we have a conversation, normally he just see's me and walks over, opens the venue door and lets me watch the sound checks to all the church gigs and although i've spoken and become friends with marty and steve tim has always been elusive so it is my privilege to sit with him tonight and discover that he is a really brilliant individual, really great company. we talk about 'stuff' about the changing brain since the advent of computer technology and the separation that exists in nature between day and night should exist in technology, where we unplug for 12 hours each day, we speak about the church and touring, about steve's notoriously strong spliffs, we laugh a bit at the cluster fuck and i explain how to negotiate one. tim listens, he is interested in this, i'm surprised but he's receptive to my idea.
i tell him about the hang, it's an instrument the church would like, a perfect sound vibration.
margo looks good, her partner ben has done a fantastic job, sue cee and her friend are there, i drive her friend home, she's a church fan to, from melbourne, we promise to become face book friends. william the radiophonic scientist from painkiller is there.
steve and i chat, i get a call from my cousin eagle, he's going to call me back tomorrow.
we eat cake, sing happy birthday, walk margo back to her new joint, say goodbyes.
i drive home, sleep comes fast, deep and penetrates like a sponge absorbing oblivion.

i have lunch at my fave place, oh yes lumber jack cake, fantastic, i'm infinitely happy although my friend is going away for 6 days which kind of feels weird, i say goodbye and give her a hug then head home for a day lounging around sleeping. however all captain missions plans go out the window when i remember it's margo's dinner and i phone to check, yes it's tonight. i drive over bondi way, meet steve and tim, it's the first time i get a chance to talk with tim, usually he just let's me in to watch all the sound checks and then has to go drum but we actually share some very good conversations tonight and i can see what a lovely man he is, very smart and very switched on about the planet, we share a lot of information, he's very attuned to what's going down, we spoke about plastic beach, technology and the hung which i encourage time to investigate.
margo looks divine, in her elegant outfit, like a slim feline weaving through the streets of bondi, i meet her friends, and see sue cee which is lovely and some hoodoo guru, some go between, some other peoples from the musical life, we actually have a great evening, it's really lovely. should post pics soon.
i hear some idle chat about the church, ohh i'm not sure but it sounds big news. tim says he can't tell me otherwise he would have to be shot. we talk clusterfucks instead, i give him the protocols, he seems to like them.
anyway there ya go, my fave band as a kid are now my friends and we are having yummy japanese food together. it's all a bit surreal especially margo who sits on my lap as we have pics taken. steve is in a play, i'm going to see him on friday, can't wait.

another action packed day from 5am i'm out walking pan, we see the dawn arise, orange red rise from the sea, the days filled with splendour, it's perfect and it has not even started in time.
i drink tea with evan, he's like an anchor sometimes, affixing me to something that i know is true yet i'm in sway that everything is not true, only a thin veneer of illusion and smoke and mirrors, the only thing that is real is the hearts code, the song that is sung between minds and brains, the truth of the matter is i am convinced the heart is he intelligent organ, the one we should be opening, open heart open mind, open doors and light will flow. the last few months i battled this, trained my heart to stay open, i had help, i love well, i don't fear it, and i don't want to deny that.
so i return to the centre, to the high priestess for the debrief and sharing with my fellow companions in ayahuscia, we are joyful, it has been a good night to die. i see jarra's art work, how magnificent his spirit is, how devoted he is, a beautiful humility, strength and quality, i'm so shocked he is originally from london.
there's lovely moments in sharing with people, what seems twee and kinda cheesy is actually quite profound, everyone on the journey seeing the whole thing from their perspective, as if 30 artists are painting the same elephant, every one unique, everyone representing the truth, all creation is in this room.
i say goodbye, the sisters give me the best hug i have had in years, it's so good i'm finding it hard to leave, i just wish time would freeze. i swap numbers with amiee, she looks extraordinary, picture perfect.
i slip away, visit miss cupcake and help her do some shopping, we have lunch at why town and for some reason she to looks extraordinary, in her strange circumstance. the sun moves across the sky, we chase it, visit a french shop, it's like returning to paris with her, i see pictures of the eiffel tower, something sad hits me, but i accept it, it was how it was and she was very young, i was so certain, i saw our future, actually i did, it was like today, it was just very lovely, she was sober and happy in simplicity, i was just happy to be with her, just like now. but the cosmos is a prankster, it always has the final laugh unless you join it, captain mission has learnt many things but the one thing he knows is true is that love is the force. he is happy with the fact he loves her and wants her to be free. she is free. we are friends now, more than ever, same with all my ex girlfriends, this is a good thing, this is what i want. i love them very much and they taught me more than they know, even miss cupcake whom i hated for so long has been a very powerful teacher and i honour my teachers, i really do. love your enemies, they set you free.
i return to walk my dog, we head down the road to buy some supplies hp has asked for but the health food shop is closed, i drive to mona vale, closed, i drive to avalon closed, i search the supermarkets but they have no idea about quinona and chai seeds. i drive towards the circle, my petrol light is on, i wonder how long it has been on for. when i pull up hp asks me to wait next door for a neighbour but after 30 minuets i give up. i return to the circle and hp asks me for some cash which i don't have on me so i return to the town but the car stalls all the way, i have to push it with two guys to the petrol station, my whites getting very dark, i put some petrol in the car and go to the atm, i drive back and sort it out, i'm thinking why is it so complicated when my intention is so simple and honourable and then i have a john paul satre moment.
i drink the brew, we all wait in apprehension, it hits me so fast, from laid back, chilled out to abject fear as i am abducted by the cosmic pranksters into a dimension so unreal and elsastic just like a cartoon conceived by looney tunes and dali on mescaline. it was the surreal speed of the event which threw me, as aya announces herself i'm terrified, then slowly become awed by the magnitude of my illusions, the beautiful rich colour unfolds, the textures wash over me, the pure art of this holds me in wonder. then some pychic healing, pinpricks enter my aura and plucj out little bits of trapped energy, useless patterns, entities, then the music starts and jarra sings and weaves his words and vibrations, and i am captured, following his sounds, understanding the thread it weaves around us all, reaching out in it's multi dimensional stretch, pulling us towards it, returning us home. profound jarra, you're a profound spirit, grace and beauty, light and love, such humility, genuine and pure. it's not often i meet people like this but when i do i acknowledge my teachers. jarra is the real deal, shaman.
i get a sense of what a shaman is, he's someone that gets the cosmos, they take you there, into the other worlds, dimensions and then they bring you back with your own healings and truths, the eternal ones. nothing is real except the connections. love the super fabric upon which we build our lives, i think about this, i think about my devotion to the universe to the creator. this is what i bring back, devotion, gratitude, love and light, and light is white magick. let there be light.
at one point i start to make the animal sounds, the strange breath like noises just emit without thought, they come easy, the jungle is in my body, it is my body, i've gone native.
i am guardian, i acknowledge the room, the healing, the spirits departing are blessed and i show them the way home.
after circle is broken i return home to pan, we walk and cuddle up, i give him my devotion now, he and i share these moments.
when i return to the circle i share my respect with the others, a fantastic amount of work was done in this space, jarra and his music and song were the lighthouse which i followed home. it is a good day to die, and a better day to live and share the splendour with my people, the people i love and care about, my friends. thank you for being in my life, i love you so much, i can't ever begin to thank you for being my friend. i am just a mad fool most of the time, making my way in darkness, trying to grow towards the light, i'm learning from plants and trees, seek the light. healing and love are the only directions. layer upon layer is peeled away until i will be light itself. i could not do this without my friends and those that i love, evan, leanne, hp (you are the bees knees) agent stone, amalia (i love you very much) steve (you were with me, in my thoughts and your music is my guide as well, leading me onwards evermore, pan (my special friend who teaches me unconditional love) the plant spirits who have saved me from certain death by dying, my enemies (who have set me free) my son who is just a beautiful being, all those people who touch me, teach me, i thank you and honour you, to the native peoples and their ancient wisdom, i respect your ways, and to the universe, i dedicate everything to, in devotion i am your servant.
to the possibility of the futures, i sail into you with an open heart, unbounded mind and true will. i am your captain. iaho!

i go in for the debrief, it's really good to share my stuff with people, i tell then about my needing some help with my entanglements, i explain how jarra offered a really safe space and i felt very comfortable going into these areas where the white magick plucked my negative patterns from my aura and cleared a few blockages for me, i love the way this works, it's so liberating, and i explain how there was a lot of healing in the room, white magick releasing many things from us all, i felt i was able to hold space for the people who were going through cleansing and help their energetic liberation by blessing them as they were released. however ths was only for the people close in proximity. i did enjoy the group, they were all great people and jarra showed humility and grace all the way. respect brother.
later amiee's sister gave me a brilliant hug, i was not expecting it and i just looked at her and said, 'wow that was the second best hug i ever had.'
she laughed and her sister, the cute one said, 'yeah she gives good hugs.'
then it was time to say goodbye to amiee who just looked amazing and she and i embraced. she asked for my phone number and a book recommendation, which i did, she gave me hers. she recommends a book called lazerus, a channelled piece of work. a little piece of me just melted when i said goodbye, she really is beautiful.

jarra is in town, big news in ayahuscia circles, he's hp's fave shaman and when i meet him i know why. strangely he looks identical to steve kilbey, plus he is english not peruvian, he takes about 30 people on the journey tonight, i'm sandwiched in the vicinity of two lovely sisters, both yoga teachers, one of whom is really brilliant and loves to read as i find out later. the other is beautiful as well but slightly cautious around me i feel. however they are both friendly and approachable, and they had a good laugh whle in ceremony which i think is healthy. even i chuckle away to myself at the general interaction i have with the plant, we have very funny dialogues.
the aya comes on strong but subtle, reaching it's tendrils out across the large space white magick starts plucking the damaged areas from my energetic body, off course obvious emotional entanglements are worked upon, aya gives me a subtle education in unconditional love. it's a bitter fucking pill though.
i'm acutely aware of the room dynamic, who needs attention, where the pockets of negative energy collects, when people are purging i'm astute in cleaning up the energy and dispelling and banishing nasty spirits.
i send out healing s to various people, i get up stretch my legs. the whole evening is indoors, it's a relief when i get outside and see the stars with the nice yoga girl, we chat for a while, she's amazing, i'm dumbfounded. she's like the manifestation of the perfect girl for me. and then she tells me she's working on manifesting the perfect partner cds, so we agree to trade cds.
i'm thinking i may ask this lady out for tea one day, i dunno, she may be married or something, or she probably has a byronic bay boyfriend.
we talk about the mayan calendar and the stars, about books, i tell her about my home being covered in books. she really looks good under the stars, and i think she likes the occasional spiff.anyway i am jumping ahead of myself after a night of shamanic psychedelics anythings possible.
as usual i sneak out around 5am and go play with pan, i'll return to the venue for a debrief in a few hours and to get the sexy yoga teachers phone number. although i'll probably just get laughed at or slapped or both seeing as though her sister is there.

left as in sinister is sydney's only gothic label, it's very well known outside australia for being quite transgressive and having some avent garde acts, like me for example. i never heard of lais until i met val, he explained how the label was huge in the early eighties and his idea to relaunch it, however we both knew australia didn't have a market for the more challenging areas of music, it's a safe market, pop, rock, punk, metal, etc, but anyone who thinks outside the box is considered to threatening, however we knew there were a small group of people, a potential market somewhere in the suburbs that would dig it. so we made music together, down in that basement, next door to the mortuary. yeah that's right sydney's only gothic label was right next door to the mortuary and let me tell you we saw some strange apparitions. val's been freaked three times me once.these poor souls are wandering around lost and shocked, we have to send them on there way, it's quite strange but you get used to it.
apart from the sound basement being a halfway home for disembodied spirits it's also on production avenue, so i often sing the words, 'we gonna rock down to production avenue, gonna take you higher.' when i am not meant to, just as a joke.
the studio is covered in stuff, dark paintings, drawings, and sculptures adorn the corridors, it's particularly interesting at night when the bands come in to rehearse. some i speak to mostly i don't. i quite like the band, 'this piano has been drinking.' who i really find entertaining and their main man solomon is a cool cat.
this morning i'm in the big room with a bad voice, it's going hoarse and all i have to do are a few vocals. the first is the song i wrote a few years ago, 'occult diary.'
i nail it in two takes. wow, what's going on, i'm actually singing well.
we move on to tweaking the other songs and by lunch i'm heading home, mission accomplished.
val and i are so in tune with one another it's ridiculous. we just come from the same planet.
yeah occult diary sounds great, needs some wild guitar funk on it and one other instrument, maybe a sax or hung. there's room to play.
anyways soon i will have snuff music finished. it's gonna be interesting, listen up.

agent stone makes me some apricot dinner, we cook together, in her small flat with kia standing in the sink doing his master chef stuff, he's covered in yogurt and sucking on a lemon, while agent stone chops some veggies and i make some brown rice. i'm hearing agent stones story about the father of her child, my god i think, you and cupcake share so much in common, it's incredible. i don't understand how things happen, i am a man, yet i would never treat a woman this way, most of my make friends wouldn't, fuck what's going on. it saddens me to see women being treated like this, left to fend for themselves without help, okay i understand the relationship didn't work but jesus guys you still have a child, responsibility. face up to it man.
poor agent stone, dealing with everything on her own. i should help her out more, tonight she is feeding me and my dog, we are broke. maybe when pay day comes around i'll cook her something yummy or get take away food. i watch her deal with everything, she's a trooper, managing a baby, cooking, chopping, cleaning, dealing with pan and me, it's like being in a whirlpool of activity. personally i am crap at multi tasking, i barely manage single tasking, so i am in awe at these girls. doing their stuff.
i miss my son jake, we spoke on skype, man it was good to hear from him, jesus christ. it was brilliant.

transmigration
occurs when the soul passes into a another physical vessel, usually at death the spirit returns to the source and then is incarnated for a whole bunch of reasons, mostly to clean up it's karma but predominantly to grow and evolve towards light. when i was born i started attempting to die, i was in an incubator for the fist 6 months of my life.
it's pretty much been that way since then, only gradually i found some meaning in life and now i know what i doing.
some of my friends are transmigrated souls whom i have known for many lives, and some are in denial.
being in denial won't change anything except that we get less time to sort out whatever it is we need to. at the end of the day it's like trying to sculpt smoke, no point but it's fun, however fun is not factoring into the universes plan.
no fun says the universe, this is serious shit.
okay so i take it serious and where does that get me, kinda somewhere actually. while i watch the world spin and people spin and we are all spinning around, i can see that karmically the web we have created needs some disentanglement. relationships are based upon karma, power and control are the conduits upon which they play out, ultimately one has to confront ones own power and control issues, its the only way. i did it. mine are very complex yet elegant and easy to understand.
most people don't have that much fortune, and these require much more entangled approaches of disengagement. for the complexity of drama one has to acknowledge one is a participant. and since the dram is a reflection of yourself, one has to acknowledge ones self in the reflection. i mean no one forces you into making dumb choices but sometimes we are manipulated by forces we don't quite recognise.
earlier i was suggesting free will and destiny are the same thing, lets investigate that.
free will is the idea we create our own destiny. i think that's true but there is a fundamental error in thinking this.first are we really free, and do we really have free will?
the answer is nope. we are about as free to think independently as most earthworms are to think about einstein's relativity theories. albert knew that when it came to some elements f the world, 2 plus 2 equals 5.
how can we be free, our minds are conditioned, brainwashed and shaped by everything from family to friends, to fashion and culture. education shapes us, indoctrination shapes us, patterns, environments, people around us, political structures all form neurone pathways which we think are our own, we think we are free but we are in bondage to our subconscious patterns just as we are to the neurotic patterns that form in our minds. we are far from free. and will, will is something most people are unaware they possess, they spend their lives running from true will, or trapped in some inauthentic pattern, where the nature of will does not have to be confronted.
the great work is partly concerned with these things, undoing them, breaking down the mental constructs that have kept us enslaved but very few people can do it.
the most important thing that people dislike about this idea is responsibility, everyone wants some one else to be responsible for them. it's a nice idea but escapist if you want to know if you are free.
you can kid yourself all you like but to be free is a tall claim. and to think you exert free will, well that's a fatal mistake.
it takes total deprograming of the patterns and conditioning systems to do this. it requires incredible diligence.
and when you get there you have one way forwards and that is surrender.
yes destiny and free will are ultimately the same thing.
as one transmigrates from incarnation to incarnation one gets closer to the truth of the matter, one can see the veils of illusion and the sinister curtains that conceal them, our own mind is the curtain, our desires and needs, our addiction and sensation. all these things are entrapments, holding us back. only love will set us free.

lucky old captain mission gets to spend a morning with miss cupcake, she's looking pretty hot let me tell ya, very hot like a naga jolokia chilli pepper. she's gone public now, 4 months pregnant, yeah that's my little clusterfuck, she's having a baby, yeah that;s the punch line to my cosmic joke.
'oh tell us the joke' i hear ya say.
okay, about a 6 months ago she asked me if i would conceive a child with her, to which i said 'no.' then i said, 'you make me feel like a $2 whore.'
later as i started to get to know her again, certain feelings started to manifest. now me and cupcake go back a few years, ten years actually, she's my dogs mum. i liked her very much and although my brain damage made my memory of the period really hazy, i do recall that some thing terrible happened but i can't remember what it was. i actually hated cupcake for years, i never hated anyone so much, i don't understand how i could hate some one like that, it seems alien and sad but i admit it i did, then after my brain injury i seemed to forget everything. and then i found myself feeling good about spending time with her. she's a pretty amazing girl. brilliant mind. but she's complex and destructive, her nature has a vortex at it's centre, a black hole that sucks you in and spins you out, i can see why her ex lovers kept her drunk or on drugs, her mind being super sharp they would be cut to ribbons by her intellect and precision thinking. anyway my memory is hazy, something that really traumatised me kept me in hate and now i was developing strange stirrings again.
when i was in london, she was in the usa and we wrote a few e mails, and in one i wrote this:

i will consider your request again, if you still wish. it seems i should give it some serious thought and not dismiss it as i did. i will need to speak with you face to face about this and see if we can reach some agreement that meets both our needs. i'm figuring it was a passing whim but -

some thoughts - i think it should be straight forwards, i need to feel safe, you need my sperm. sounds simple in a green eggs and ham way (you can be the ham) but you need to think long and hard about this if you have not done so.
as a candidate i should do my duty and even though i know you know, remind you babies are full time, you won't be able to drink, smoke or take any drugs, for 6 months, something i couldn't do although i'd do it in 'pact' to help support you, and then it's a train ride of responsibility for 20 odd years, you up for that?
i know you like the expectation of things arriving miss cupcake but after nine months there's no chance of returning to sender. and there's no refunds or reselling, although with your extortion skills i'm sure you could find a way :)
fortunately no one ever told me about this shit, it just happened and it's the one thing i got right. i really did.
anyways for what it's worth i think you will make a great mother, i always did.
i should mention at this point i have been asked many times for this particular request and refused despite the alluring offers. i am also aware that you may have other people in mind for the job and humbly request that i be your last option on this one cos i'm really just an old man now with aching kneecaps and a william burroughs like curiosity for living outside the box and these dangerous qualities have been over written into my existing dna and be dominant enough to over ride any dna traits from the mothers genetic code. you need to be aware off this as i'm not sure the world is quite the right place for hybrid us.

anyway like i said, i will talk with you and consider it seriously.

your friend
captain mission

anyways when i get back old cupcake and i spend some time together and she tells me she's pregnant although this happened when she had returned from her trip, probably while i was falling in love with her all over again. irony, ha!
well there you have it, that was four months ago. during that period i did my best to keep miss cupcake positive and focused, work through her fears and anxieties. i don't know, my own feelings were kinda mixed up and muddled, i don't really know much about these cosmic jokes, my own words created this, i feel a sense of responsibility, i am a magickian after all.
so i hope i have been a good friend here, i hope i can be a better man and help her with this, i want to, i guess it's her call if she wants me around or not. for me it's a karmic equation, miss cupcake and i have unfinished business. it goes back life times and we need to sort this out now, i do. i want to.
and ultimately it don't matter, i'm just a traveller on a strange wonderful journey, i wanna heal my friends, love them and help them through their fears.
what else is there in life, survival, blah what a con that is. life is about the heart, you have to think with the heart and feel with your head. it's all white magick. all of it.

virtue
when i was a kid i read 'dancers at the end of time' a series by micheal moorcock where a victorian time traveller miss amalia underwood finds herself mistakenly at the end of time, besotted by the curious jherek carnelian who decides to fall in love with her. he is educated on the moral virtues by amalia who believes him to be sincere. they are about to wed but she mysteriously is transported back to victorian times, jherek follows and attempts a rescue.
and so i pull the virtue card.
integrity is the union of heart mind and action, when they are aligned. if they are not alighted then there is no point moving or action. wait until they are.it is important to make sure that these are aligned when it comes to important choices in the next 3 weeks or months.
incidentally at the end of the book amalia realises her love for jherek defies all virtue sensibilities.

In The Book of Embraces, Uruguayan author Eduardo Galeano writes, "The fishermen of the Colombian coast must be learned doctors of ethics and morality, for they invented the word sentipensante, or 'feeling-thinking,' to define language that speaks the truth.

my night friend comes, picks me up and takes me to a cliff, we smoke a joint and talk about the ultimate relationship. yeah we both are into devotion. it's a weird strange thing but that's the truth, i love you and that's all that matters, everything i do i do for you and everything i create is for you. i understand this now, having a relationship with the cosmos is the most important relationship. a healthy one, and the only way to do that is forget everything you know, tune in to your heart, and start loving creation, the spiritual universe. a deep connection with my friend clarifies all of this as he says the same thing.

so life is short, fleeting, it takes ya places you never really think it can. my friend said to me the other day, we was out at midnight, we was by the beach, i was on a big rock and he was standing in front of me. he says god played a trick on us, he says the only way man can understand the infinite is by being in this. life. the body. the finite. being alive.
he's right, god did play a trick on us. he plays tricks on me all the time, my life filled with irony, i'm in love with an impossible girl, a ten year old relationship and desire returned from the grave, love turns to hate turns to love again. some words i wrote turn around to play a trick upon me, wish fulfilment for us both. a vision i had 10 years ago, a future i couldn't change occurs but not quite how i saw it, you and i locked in a karmic dance, can't you see it, you and i, twisting around the inevitable, your salvation in front, mine behind. how close are we, orbiting one another. you can't tell me that means nothing.
i recorded a song a while back, i wrote it with margo smith in mind, her voice and mine, it's called 'occult diary' but i wish you could sing, i'd get you to sing this with me cos when i read the words they are very clearly written about us. me and you. it's transcendental and opaque, not obvious but yes this is the song that wrote itself for us. it's a gift to have these things realised and on friday i think i'll record it in the studio and i'll dedicate it to you.
i can't even begin to explain how grateful i am that you came into my life again when you did, despite the circumstances. i know how hard that hit you, i know how you must have struggled with it, but i know that you will be okay, i'll be there if you should ever need me. you know that.
life is so fleeting, it's suffering just like buddha said and happiness is not something that just comes, you gotta work at it, i work fucking hard to be happy, but it's possible, you just need application, and some good people around you. all spiritual books speak of this, the only battle worth fighting is the one within, the only person you can change is yourself, it's known in some circles as the great work. that's pretty much what i been doing.
and here i am typing stuff in to my computer when on face book one of my long distance friends starts writing how she's going to commit suicide. it's truly bizarre as there are three off us all writing in her wall to take some time and consider the options available, we are all taking slightly different approaches. she tells us she is prostituting her body and i say we all are one way or the other, it ain't about the body, it's about the soul. she asks me how to be happy, and i repeat what i write above. it's incredible how this is happening, the 2012 shift has us in it's wake, it's undeniable.
and i am one of many avatars, so who ever you are if your reading this, tune in to the shift. it ain't no fairy tale.
my mission is to attune as many people as possible to assist them prepare, my friends, the people i love, those that don't believe in the mayan cosmic cycles, just open the heart a little, let the magick in. everything is coming together, resistance is futile. 8 division sky place.

suicide blondes just like suicide bombers, all fucking filled with potential but all they wanna do is take you down with them. i knew a few other girls that suicided for one reason or the other, usually cos they were just fucked up on drugs or love. me i never fucking came close to anything like that, although i had a few ex's try to take me out one way or the other, anne louise came at me with a knife, someone else put me in hospital after a king hit, deb beat me black and blue some other girl some where down the line smacked me in the face. i don't know what drives these girls to these extremes of violence but i know that men have a lot to answer for, underneath it all men hold and wield true power and women are just enslaved by it. still i don't deserve to be smacked in the mouth by anyone and those girls should have known better but they were fucked up and desperate.

elle
i worked in a bar for about one year, every evening this elegant woman would come in and have a glass of wine, she was extremely well dressed and presented. in her late twenties i'd seen her around the town, driving a sporty car with personal number plates. always looking fantastic, wearing designer clothes, in the best restaurants, surrounded by beautiful people, but each evening you wold come into my bar and sit there perched on that stool looking like a marylyn monroe in her twilight. i don't know if i saw that then or now in retrospect, i was still fucked up and self centred. still caught up in my ego and identity games.
one day your drinking and i'm clearing up the bar, it's just us two, some funky piano plays, no one else around, the lights are low, and you ask me what i do when i am not fixing drinks.
it's the first time we speak, and i tell you that i work with homeless kids.
you suddenly appear interested in me. that happened a lot back then, everyone thinking i was some sort of saint or something, i was far from it, just a fucked up guy on the payroll, very occasionally i did something right and helped some kid, but most of the time it was just work.
elle came into that bar every evening, she always spoke to me from that moment, asking questions about my work, i'd only be happy to break up the monotony plus elle you were easy on the eye, easy on the ear, a god listener.
you started telling me about your childhood, about your alcoholic mother and how that traumatised you. how you wanted to give something back to children in trouble, how you had married a very rich man and yet you were miserable. how you pleaded with me to give you a chance to put something back.
well i said i would.
our friendship kinda grew, i felt really sorry for ya elle, a woman with everything except a happy childhood, how terrible your hurt, only stupid selfish me, did not know how deep it went.
you had the rich husband, you had the big house at whale beach and two beautiful children. and i was just a guy who made you drinks and gave you a few hours of my time when i had it.
then one night i finished work and went to a party, it was summer and i wore a tee shirt and my black jeans, i walked into that room, the one with all the mannequins, the first thing i did was sit at that big crowded table, the round one and roll a joint. i said hi to a few people who were on the table, sitting around in their pockets and then looking up i see you, dressed in white, opposite me, sitting there staring at me, not just staring but looking at me so pleadingly when i think about that look it still fucking haunts me.
'i want to leave mission, will you take me home?'
'elle, i just arrived. i wanna stay.'
that look intensified, i met it head on, scanned the face but still i refused.
what a fucking stupid fool i was elle, fucking selfish egoist, the life and soul of the party, the cool bartender, the idiot with the sexy drugs and easy smile, yeah elle i was so foolish.
you came over and pleaded with me to take you away and i stood my ground.
why?
so i could flirt with some girls, smoke some spliffs, no reasons really, just felt like i needed to kick back and chill out.
i didn't see you leave.
next morning i am sitting on the balcony at my friends place in palm beach, we are basking in hangover ambience, drinking tea and smoking joints, looking at girls on the beach, when a helicopter flies past. our attention follows the chopper to the cliffs at north avalon, we see some kinda commotion, some kind off drama being played out.
i spend the day languidly lazing around, recovering from a big night. that evening they tell me you threw yourself from that cliff. that your body crashed down upon the rocks broken and bloody.
i forgave myself but it hurt like hell.

kate
wow, you were stunning, just fucking stunning in every way. men and women just saw you and they wanted you, i'd seen it before but not like that, you just some powerful stuff happening there drawing everyone in to your vortex. you were like ketamine with better hair you were a beautiful star but you burnt out far to fast. you were the classic australia girl really, smart and gorgeous beach blond with an amazing body but you were on self destruct full throttle like so many of your peers, destroyed by men.
i saw it when i met you in that office, all business woman like in your executive outfit, all control and power held tight like a straight jacket. you said you never met anyone like me before cos i hit you hard with some atomic truths, i saw through your armour, your cocaine fuelled tongue, your alcoholic facades, that wound you had was hard and deep, i saw the vulnerable child underneath it, i saw your history, sad little child, you lost everything when you were young, and you blamed yourself for it, punished yourself for years, destroyed everything you had, money, looks, love, one after another the girl that had everything just wanted escape.
we danced the cosmic dance of vishnu for a while, i gave you the love i had, there were moments when we worked, moments when it was good, but it's fragmented for me, my memories are vast but vague. i liked you when you laughed and were sober, i loved you when you were speaking without fear or feeling the need off protection, they were windows into your inner beauty, you had a lot of that baby.
but like all things, when it comes down to it, it's a matter of will. your's was under assault, you were surrounded by vampires and zombies all wanting your demise, your friends were never really your friends, they hated that you had something good in your life and they hated that you were abandoning them. with friends like that sucking your vitality and me on the other side it was a war i couldn't win, a man's gotta know his limitations, and i know mine.
edge play, yeah i can play that game, but you don't play, you destroy, there's no love kate, no fucking love, edge play works with a little love baby, otherwise it's just that stupid desire that i come up against time after time, the one that taunts and teases me, the one that i made my peace with, the one i beat into submission. the death wish.
when they said you had taken your life i was not surprised. it was obvious how the story would end, it's such a clique kate. you betrayed me with a clique ending, i deserved more. i deserve better than that.

when i was a kid i went to a brutal skool, the enemies were everywhere, punishing the oversensitive, the artists, the thinkers, if you were not a thug then you were no one. the playground at stag lane was covered in blood, a little was mine, teachers sneered as the introverts were assaulted and beaten, humiliated and often tortured. i don't know i was luckier than most of my kind, managed to slip through the shadows with my book and lunch, sit in the corners unnoticed. but that's the trouble with sanctuary, it's fleeting.
our skool was at war with another skool from down the street, and often they would meet in lunch breaks and have massive fights with chains, axes, metal poles and knives. it was pretty nuts, a cross between gangs of new york and lock stock smoking barrels,
but the main characters were violently crazed children and if you looked in their eyes, nobody home.
one summers day i was caught up in a massive war between the two skools, in a big field one side charging at the other with me somewhere in the middle with my lunch, normally an apple, a sandwich and a piece of cake. i was to young to really know what to do, there was no escape, the sides were racing towards me at such a fast pace wielding their weapons, i just stood up and figured if i just eat my lunch it would just happen around me and i'd be okay.
well the carnage lasted about 30 minites, i watched kids being hacked with knives, stabbed and sliced with blades and battered with sticks while i ate my mums cake, one guy i recognised screamed at me, 'whose side are you on?'
i thought about this and said, 'no ones.'
later the police came and broke it all up, they sent everyone home and called the ambulance to clean up the mess. by then i finished my lunch and a teacher was walking towards me. he seemed angry, he grabbed my ear and dragged me towards the skool, 'right mission, you are on permanent detention, you should know better than fighting blah blah blah.'
i got a big lecture, parents were called and i was punished despite my pleas.
i realised when your a child you don't have the means to interpret your world, it's just a powerless state to be in, cos the child only has a limited capacity of experience and it's brain isn't evolved as most adults, yet the child has a much better understanding of reality than the adult, it's not as complex but it's pure. and when you put a pure mind up against a corrupted one, the pure one needs a little help lest it be corrupted as well, it learns how to be deceptive like adults, how to manipulate and abuse power and control.
see power and control are the two hidden forces at work in the human condition and unless individuals understand their own power and control there is no escape from their influence. being human carried a great responsibility, it takes a massive leap of commitment to acknowledge this, and a lot of work. i was lucky, i figured it out early, when i was quite young. yeah i still fucked up and made mistakes but i did take responsibility for them, and that's what being a man is.
they say you learn everything in skool, well i don't think that's true, i think i learnt about power and control there.

awakened, early morning hurricane, the windows at mission control create a little storm tunnel, yeah i test my aerodynamic body, oh yeah feels pretty good except for the fat bit, mmm slowly diminishing, need to maintain my exercise regime of yoga, kung fu and swimming and white magick. i wake up thinking about rhubarb muffins, going to the movies, and an appointment i have this morning, wander through the house shutting windows until mission control is the fortress of solitude. leave for meeting with hp, it's muddled, she's got her head in her computer i am distracted by an old friend who turns up, she and i go back a while, a could have almost got there relationship, well not really, we had our moment and we blew it as i was kinda sowing my wild oats and she was looking for something permanent. anyways we say hi.
i like how everyone notices my tan, that's a boost. yeah well she's a rich cashed up super glam chick, not really interested in me much, although she always smiles at what could have been, cheeky face. yeah she smells good to. she tells me about her life and i'm gazing out the window at the rain, i don't like this place today, i wanna go home and stay in bed reading or watching dvds. i may even write a song i think, but it would be a sad one, called 'the cupcake i never ate' or something silly. so that idea is buried fast, i wander along to hp, she tells me about her love life, mmm, interesting. i'm reflecting in everything.

im standing outside miss cupcakes house after a wonderful dinner, a really brilliant fish dinner with amazing vital salad and yummy potatoes, followed by the best rhubarb muffins ever, oh how pleasing to captain missions taste buds who had just been eating chick peas for the last two days. we were going to watch a dvd but i can sense things are not quite right and i can feel possibility that the evening will be cancelled as miss cupcake needs her sleep. i exit awkwardly and there i am, on the street with a bag of leftover rhubarb muffins. my phone starts going mental, fabiana in perth calls inviting me over, 'come on baby, i'll pay half your airfare.'
well yeah but fabiana is a handful of trouble, 'half the airfare plus meals and any hospital bills and maybe you're on fabs' i say.
more bleating and whining, some tempting offers and some sort of promise to look after me. i say good bye as there's another call.
it's gravy, he say how much he loves me, and how much he enjoyed hanging out with me, how wonderful it is to have someone who just gets it.
'right back at ya dude.'
yeah gravey is switched on, he's plugged in and hooked up to the universe, in exactly the same way i am, we both have worked it all out, we know our roles and purpose, we are old souls, gravy man you are like a brother to me. you make me feel sane.
i spend about 30 mins on the street chatting with my people, about to jump in my car when the phone rings again, it's agent stone. we chat for a while, she's worried about me, i can feel it, she's tuned in to my bio frequencies, she knows me very well. yes i confess my sins to her, she comes from a good place with my interests at heart. she says, she will visits me on wednesday and we will go swimming in the sea.
i can't tell you how good that makes me feel.
a big fishy dinner, some rhubarb cake inside me, cupcakes beautiful face, and my friends, i am blessed really, just blessed to have these people in my life. to have them care and love me the way they do, fuck i love you guys.
then when i get home hp calls, she wants me at two ceremonies. mmm, big stuff happening, the vine is really huge in my consciousness, pulling me towards something, offering me some light. how heavy the pressure is, no wonder people don't make it.
i met a guy today who was telling me his step daughter hung herself last week, we talk about this for a while, apparently the pain in her heart was to much. how sad.
i have had two women suicide because i didn't give them my time, it's a fucking veil of tears sometimes, how can a small heart take this world and the human condition.
then there's my own demons, the ones that hunt me down relentlessly, the ones from that lost country, the ones that fucking haunt my bed, my heart, my soul and my stupid mind as they pull apart and fucking tear me limb from limb, ha! but i see you demons for what you really are, angels come to set me free.
goodnight people sleep tight.

remember climbing up a mountain in spain with a friend stuart shaw, fuck i don't know what happened , the girls were cooking a bbq down there and we were playing on the side of this mountain when both of us started climbing, it was crazy as we both just tuned in to the climbing aspect and ascended without even thinking or talking about it, we climbed for hours, loosing sight of the girls. eventually we were dehydrated and really tired but the summit was not far away so we just carried on.
once at the top we saw a magnificent pool and waterfall which we threw ourselves in to.
both of us drunk from the waterfall. we swam under the shade of a tree canopy, and felt refreshed and in harmony with the spirit of the mountain.
it was a magnificent feeling, we felt as if we had been rewarded.
when we made our wat down we were in big trouble with our women, they had cleaned up and were ready to go home.
later in the bar that night stuart told everyone what we had done, no one could believe it, they called us 'el loco' and bought us drinks in honour. it was really strange how i recall that today, almost 24 years later. el loco.

one of my favourite songs is david bowies 'be my wife'
it's the ultimate love song. it's selfish and desperately raw but so close to the truth of the matter of love between a man and a woman. there's something so simple in his plea, that's why i like this song, it's from the heart but it's a heart that has been around the block, it's done time and just yearns now for some affection, some thing that don't even have to be love, but something intimate and close, something safe.
taken from low, the album version is the best one, there are a few live versions i have that are not as good.
i like the honesty he uses here, there's nothing quite as simple as his plea to the woman he loves. plus that piano is kinda cool, it's a great collection of sounds, for the words, everything just totally out of whack yet it works beautifully.

Sometimes you get so lonely
Sometimes you get nowhere
I've lived all over the world
I've left every place

Please be mine
Share my life
Stay with me
Be my wife

Sometimes you get so lonely
Sometimes you get nowhere
I've lived all over the world
I've left every place

Please be mine
Share my life
Stay with me
Be my wife

Sometimes you get so lonely

early morning, crack of dawn, i'm outside waiting for my ride into the superficial city, it's kinda messy, a bit ominous, some rain in the air maybe, yet on route the sun breaks open and pours it's golden rays down on the harbour, i'm travelling through time, over and over again, in loop catching some feedback, shifting the distortion, cars knuckle down in their lanes, everyone has an early morning purpose, everyone sitting in their pods, which is really when you think about it most peoples time to be alone. i jump out wynard and walk along the streets with my big box of receipts. i ring my man, 'dr, harmit hi, it's me mission, i'm coming in.'
'hello captain, when are you arriving?'
'now.'
'okay okay.'
i walk into his office, he is happy to see me, it's been two years. we sit down at a big desk and he immediately tells me my tme is now.
'mission, you have to get your writing out there now. people want to read you.'
where did this come from, i think. he continues, 'make a profile for yourself and distribute it, sell your songwriting skills, sell your narratives. he gives me advice, it's very good advice actually, i listen intently. he tells me a story about god and a man waiting for god to rescue him. it's a very clever story, i like it.
'dr. harmit, thank you. thank you for believing in me. that's all i ever wanted from anyone.'
he takes the boxes, 'i'll have these done for you soon.'
we shake hands.
i wander the streets, head back home.
gravy calls me, says the film is ready and i look really good, 'it's the part you was born to play' he says,
yeah from porn star to high priest of love, that's me

having gazed in to the abyss
the abyss gazed unto me
it said i love you as it broke me
i said i love you to be free.

old captain mission contemplates his options, it's the night before a big battle, a long night of the soul, not everyone will know what cards to play but i have mine, behind me, the devil, completion, the priestess.
one cannot fight the shadow, one can only dance with it. one cannot kill the enemy with fear only love.

well white magick works in mysterious ways and this evening my friend rang and said she was having a bad day, me to. we spoke a while about it, we are both super aware, tuned in, receiving. she says i should go out more, be more social and let people have a chance to experience me. i'm taken aback. she insists the world is ready for me, insists that i start getting out being social.
but i'm an introvert reclusive personality, i don't like most people. she continues, to tell me she knows and that i should meet more people, let them get a chance to know me. i don't know i say, i'll think about it.
it has been a difficult day for me, a struggle with my personas, all wanting to play, it's been frustrating as i spent most of the day hiding away, letting them drive one another crazy, then the phone rings again.
another friend drives by, i jump in the car and we go to our special spot where we smoke a joint and look at the ocean.
i have not seen this guy for a while, he is a very very good friend. he is a destroyer of demons, he is a brilliant man and a lovely person to end my day with as he listens to my blessings and curses, he sees something that i didn't see, his perception is clear and precise, it's perfection as he looks at me and reads what is occurring externally is also internal, he said, 'when i first met you i know you had wings, they are massive now.'
i don't know what that means but it feels right. he talks about the preying mantis and says 'you have the 'preying mantis' inside you.
strange thing to say huh, but i have a special relationship to the mantis that i have never talked about here, on this blog but often i post on the ayahuscia forum as captain mission and there are several references to the preying mantis by me.

http://forums.ayahuasca.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=17411&hilit=preying+mantis&sid=78b77fc45184c5def3645eb628774703

anyway it was a strange thing to say, yeah? and the fact that i should understand it equally strange.
yeah we spoke for a few hours, he does the same kind of work as me now, yet his is more refined and elegant, mine just flows chaotically. yet i am learning how to be an elegant magus, i want poetry in what i do.

my friend then says something disturbing.

not what i want to hear. not what i want to hear at all. but i accept it.
then i understand that the terrible truth of it. that is hard to accept. i can fight. but the force against you comes from a darker space, it's an abyss. and one must be careful when gazing into the abyss lest the abyss gaze back at you.
so true.

strange sunday
ever changeable
my mutable nature out of whack with the world
till i pull that card
then i understand the day
and why it passed me by
i'm looking out my window
waving at the people on the streets
but no one waves back
i'm looking at clouds rolling in
thinking about the plans that i never made
the ones i did
the ones that escape
i'm knee deep in melancholia
i'm tripping out in psychedelia
is it really wrong to have LSD for breakfast
who cares anyway
as those hungry birds swoop
along the surface of the ocean
along the line
a big waves crashes at my feet
a cool breeze untangles me
i split in seven
they fight over an ice cream like children
then they fall into line
like a well drilled army
like a team
we take them out for lunch
they appreciate the variety
a moments liberation
a moment of freedom
later they walk along the beach again
some skip, some run, some walk and a couple leap frog
they get tired and restless
need a siesta
put them to bed
seven dreams, all the same
wake up in one body

universal symbol of intuition, independence, self trust and self resourcefulness. androgynous upper female yin, lower male yang. we do not sacrifice strength for softness or softness for strength. everyone must have an equal balance of these attributes.
the crystals represent intuition as multi faceted, mental, emotional, spiritual insight, physical information. intuition is like the still lake, reflective, contained and always present. waiting to be accessed and trusted.

i value who i am
i am very perceptive and intuitive
i trust myself and my integrity

todays card was the priestess which kinda fell out the pack when i was shuffling the cards.it's highly appropriate given my circumstances and present condition. i am quite grateful to have this affirmation reflected back at me, it confirms what i know.
if only i can remember it when i have to.

yesterday i had an elusive sandwich with miss cupcake, wow did she look good, i kinda wanted to put her between two slices of wholemeal but my stupid integrity stopped me. anyway she reveals she has broken a pattern in regards to her family which i think is brilliant and given that it would have been very hard for her have to point out the magnitude of this.
she is unravelling her dna. breaking all patterns and attaining a new paradigm in which all participants can operate within. this is excellent for everyone. i'm proud of you. yeah really i am, it takes guts to do this, i knew you could, i knew it.
this has made me very happy, happy because its a start of a process that takes a while but is worthwhile and powerful.
trust me on this, i wish you would trust me, ha, instead you laugh at me with my voodoo ways and white magick approach, yet i know. the heart charkra is what you need to focus your intention upon, allow it to open in time, tune in to it and put your mind at rest, the mind will lead you astray, until you become aligned.
wow every time i see you you look better, appear fresher and natural, it's incredible, as the toxins leave you how outstanding you appear.

you are frightened of your mind, it's processes are sharp and analytical, often scalpel like you wield it through everything and it terrorises you and people close. it's a beautiful mind and i love it. however without the heart charkra in alignment it is discombobulated and will lead you into suffering unnecessarily.

have i taken a liberty in my blog?
yes i take many, but here is where i am free to do so, it's my blog, my space, there are no rules, no limits, no laws, no controls only that i write what comes, mostly self indulgent crap, some creative shit, some junk, some memories, some ideas and some gems. once in a while i do something good, it's a numbers game, the odds are that despite my liberties something will resonate and assist you. that's it.

i'm reading my astrological horoscope in reverse, it's stunning me with it's holistic accuracy, with it's revelations, after the event. i only read it for the period passed, never do i peek into my futures lest my intuition become lazy and fat. i follow my star.
i'm pulled many ways but ultimately all reality directs me forwards.
tarot is a different tool and i use that in a forward thinking progressive way, symbolic of the near future i invoke.

this morning i speak with a friend and i tell her about the only war worth fighting, the one within. i tell her how to escape the cycle of fear and suffering she is in. she is receptive therefore i am able to do this safely without fear of reaction, she is an evolved soul, open and hungry to learn, willing to surrender to the process of liberation. only a handful can do this, it's a challenge and a task that requires commitment, not for those that are choosing to be trapped.

the bhagavad gītā is a hindu treatise upon the nature of man, a dialogue between arjuna and krishna where krishna gives arjuna the keys to liberation on the eve of a battle with his uncle. here are the guts of the text.

King inquired: Sanjaya, please tell me, in details, what did my people and the Pandavas do in the battlefield before the war started? (1.01)

Sanjaya said: O King, Lord Krishna spoke these words to Arjuna whose eyes were tearful and downcast, and who was overwhelmed with compassion and despair. (2.01)

Lord Krishna said: You grieve for those who are not worthy of grief, and yet speak words of wisdom. The wise grieves neither for the living nor for the dead. (2.11)

Just as the soul acquires a childhood body, a youth body, and an old age body during this life; similarly, the soul acquires another body after death. This should not delude the wise. (2.13)

Just as a person puts on new garments after discarding the old ones; similarly, the living entity or the individual soul acquires new bodies after casting away the old bodies. (2.22)

Treating pleasure and pain, gain and loss, and victory and defeat alike, engage yourself in your duty. By doing your duty this way you will not incur sin. (2.38)

You have control over doing your respective duty only, but no control or claim over the results. The fruits of work should not be your motive, and you should never be inactive. (2.47)

A Karma-yogi or the selfless person becomes free from both vice and virtue in this life itself. Therefore, strive for selfless service. Working to the best of one’s abilities without becoming selfishly attached to the fruits of work is called Karma-yoga or Seva. (2.50)

Because the mind, when controlled by the roving senses, steals away the intellect as a storm takes away a boat on the sea from its destination ¾ the spiritual shore of peace and happiness. (2.67)

The forces of Nature do all works. But due to delusion of ignorance people assume themselves to be the doer. (3.27)

Thus, knowing the Self to be superior to the intellect, and controlling the mind by the intellect that is purified by spiritual practices, one must kill this mighty enemy, lust, O Arjuna. (3.43)

Whenever there is a decline of Dharma Righteousness) and a predominance of Adharma Unrighteousness), O Arjuna, then I manifest Myself. I appear from time to time for protecting the good, for transforming the wicked, and for establishing world order Dharma). (4.07-08)

I created the four divisions of human society based on aptitude and vocation. Though I am the author of this system of the division of labor, one should know that I do nothing directly and I am eternal. (4.13)

The one who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction, is a wise person. Such a person is a yogi and has accomplished everything. (4.18)

Spirit shall be realized by the one who considers everything as a manifestation or an act of the Spirit. (4.24)

Verily, there is no purifier in this world like the true knowledge of the Supreme Being. One discovers this knowledge within, naturally, in course of time when one's mind is cleansed of selfishness by Karma-yoga. (4.38)

But, true renunciation, O Arjuna, is difficult to attain without Karma-yoga. A sage equipped with Karma-yoga quickly attains Nirvana. (5.06)

One who does all work as an offering to God — abandoning selfish attachment to the results — remains untouched by Karmic reaction or sin as a lotus leaf never gets wet by water. (5.10)

Those who perceive Me in everything and behold everything in Me, are not separated from Me, and I am not separated from them. (6.30)

Four types of virtuous ones worship or seek Me, O Arjuna. They are: The distressed, the seeker of Self-knowledge, the seeker of wealth, and the enlightened one who has experienced the Supreme. (7.16)

After many births the enlightened one resorts to Me by realizing that everything is, indeed, My or Supreme Being’s) manifestation. Such a great soul is very rare. (7.19)


The ignorant ones — unable to understand My immutable, incomparable, incomprehensible, and transcendental form — assume that I, the Supreme Being, am formless and take forms or incarnate. (7.24)

Remembering whatever object one leaves the body at the end of life, one attains that object. Thought of whatever object prevails during one's lifetime, one remembers only that object at the end of life and achieves it. (8.06)

Therefore, always remember Me and do your duty. You shall certainly attain Me if your mind and intellect are ever focused on Me. (8.07)

I am easily attainable, O Arjuna, by that ever steadfast devotee who always thinks of Me and whose mind does not go elsewhere. (8.14)

I personally take care of both spiritual and material welfare of those ever-steadfast devotees who always remember and adore Me with single-minded contemplation. (9.22)

Whosoever offers Me a leaf, a flower, a fruit, or water with devotion; I accept and eat the offering of devotion by the pure-hearted. (9.26)

Engage your mind in always thinking of Me, be devoted to Me, worship Me, and bow down to Me. Thus uniting yourself with Me by setting Me as the supreme goal and the sole refuge, you shall certainly come to Me. (9.34)

I am the origin of all. Everything emanates from Me. The wise ones who understand this adore Me with love and devotion. (10.08)

The one who does all works for Me, and to whom I am the supreme goal; who is my devotee, who has no attachment, and is free from enmity towards any being; attains Me, O Arjuna. (11.55)

Therefore, focus your mind on Me, and let your intellect dwell upon Me alone through meditation and contemplation. Thereafter you shall certainly attain Me. (12.08)

The one who sees the same eternal Supreme Lord dwelling as Spirit equally within all mortal beings truly sees. (13.27)

The one who offers service to Me with love and unswerving devotion transcends three modes of material Nature, and becomes fit for Nirvana, or salvation. (14.26)

I am seated in the inner psyche of all beings. The memory, Self-knowledge, and the removal of doubts and wrong notions about God come from Me. I am verily that which is to be known by the study of all the Vedas. I am, indeed, the author as well as the student of the Vedas. (15.15)

Lust, anger, and greed are the three gates of hell leading to the downfall or bondage) of the individual. Therefore, one must learn to give up these three. (16.21)

Speech that is non-offensive, truthful, pleasant, beneficial, and is used for the regular study of scriptures is called the austerity of word. (17.15)

By devotion one truly understands what and who I am in essence. Having known Me in essence, one immediately merges with Me. (18.55)

The Supreme Lord — as the controller abiding in the inner psyche of all beings — causes them to work out their Karma like a puppet of Karma created by the free will) mounted on a machine. (18.61)

Set aside all meritorious deeds and religious rituals, and just surrender completely to My will with firm faith and loving devotion. I shall liberate you from all sins, the bonds of Karma. Do not grieve. (18.66)

The one who shall propagate this supreme secret philosophy or the transcendental knowledge of the Gita) amongst My devotees, shall be performing the highest devotional service to Me, and shall certainly come to Me. No other person shall do a more pleasing service to Me, and no one on the earth shall be more dear to Me. (18.68-69)

Wherever there will be both Krishna, the Lord of yoga, or Dharma in the form of the scriptures, and Arjuna with the weapons of duty and protection; there will be everlasting prosperity, victory, happiness, and morality. This is my conviction. (18.78)

"May the Lord bless all with Goodness, Prosperity, and Peace."

you see krishna and arjuna are the same person, krishna is the higher self, arjuna the lower, krishna reveals himself to arjuna and informs him of the way. the only battle that one must fight is the one within. the external war that arjuna faces is a manifestation of his internal struggle. therefore maya, an illusion. for if arjuna engaged in his own soul the battle with his uncle would not exist.

vale marina rip

clarity on an azure night
who weaves these constillations
as history pulls down the walls
and leaves you with a destination
omipotent in will
surrendured to the lighthouse within
the sweet bird of truth
can only spread it's wings

when i lived as crazy horse i knew i had a bird inside my chest, it was in my heart trapped. i was only 13 summers when i did vision quest and saw the bird released, bursting from my ribcage, as i rode into battle bareback on a white horse, i led lakota warriors to battle and my axe took many enemies. my people said i was crazy to ride so boldly into the fire but my bird was free. 13 summers.
i was given the name crazy horse when i returned from the mountains and told 'black elk' my vision. he looked at me strangely as he chanted words of power.
we smoked the scared pipe and he showed me the secrets of the great spirit. i was humbled that night and black elk gave me a power stone, black obsidian.
he said, 'in the night you will find your power.'

strangely i was under the impression it was saturday today but it's actually friday i discover as i reorientate myself into a post ayahuscia evening that came up out of the blue when hp requested i join her and ben for a session which i found myself agreeing to quite spontaneously yet i did somewhere see this coming somewhere in my third eye as i had not eaten anything except for a hash brown early in the morning so i had done my preparatory fasting. i guess a vine session was the conclusion to my current experience or at least a chance to reflect upon it by the part of my brain i love.
the walk down through the rain swept streets was short and for some reason as i thought about what i wanted from the session i was always drifting towards, intention. not just as a private thing but as something that is aligned. it's there in mayan philosophy, my song 8 sky place is all about this.
i enter and there's a strange energy, it's not right, i have to clear it privately, change it a bit, it's like moving furniture around but it's all energetic, shifting the space in the room, pockets of egos and personality conflicts, various ideas and positions need settling. this starts to happen and i am helped by some intervention. i find my place and we move into session.
i've drunk many times now, it's pointless counting, the spirit of ayahuscia loves me, i no longer purge, except for the occasional spit i like to eject, some psychic residue that manifests needs ejection. yes she loves me, we briefly discuss the heart and tantra and it appears we all share the same intent. therefore hp invites ayahuscia in to these areas, and when she comes it's good, sexy, smart and profoundly true for me, the invisible world made manifest. massage, white magick, pranic healing, all working in their various dimensions, all healing. suddenly i feel the vine engaging in an aura cleanse, petty yearnings, desires, hopes, fears, attachments, loss, are violently plucked from me, just like the white witch does with me.
many things pass through me, some tears are shed, loss i guess but it's not painful or tragic, it's beautiful. then there's some laughter as i feel the tantric energy move through me, i guide it along up my body, acutely aware where it needs to go.
later we do some yoga and stretching, all very good, but then i start to let my body shake to the music, yes something tribal and raw is happening, my body which has been fat and sluggish is changing, i'm getting to where i want to be, agile, slim and lithe.
i shake and dance, the body loosens, i'm rubber, i think of something ari said to me when she massaged me, 'captain mission you are very strong.' i thought she was referring to something physical but it wasn't. it is my resilience and will. yeah i am strong.
i dance like a wild man, a primal beat, something devoid of mind, something pure and animal, we all are in this state, liberation.
yeah i'm a wild monkey man with my banana and coconut ideology, my holistic sensuality, my internal rhythmic beat is the ....off beat. i'm shaken and stirred, and i will shake and stir, suddenly i hear a familiar sound, a piano tinkle away. it's the deep fix in session, i smile, that's a good thing for me, with this song i did write for session, it's unfinished but sounds mighty through these nice speakers, they are beautiful sounds and the message comes across loud and clear. i explain how i wrote it and then have to explain the mayan calendar which i studied for a long time many years ago, i'm a blue monkey remember.
yeah the calendar is based upon intention, 8 division sky place, being in tune.
i think about bali, i think about you.
why bother you say?
because i am those birds in love. it's a private intention that is made public, that's all, doesn't have to be a big ho ha, just something ritualised and profound, like getting a tattoo should be, that''s how it is for me. a relationship anointed by the universe, it's a triangle, not a straight line. love is sacred but it's scarce.
destiny or free will?
they are exactly the same. but it would be total arrogance to think we are free and will takes a long long time to find. it's taken me many lives to find them.
the last words that meant anything significant 'i'm excited about the future.'
my mission is complete
my one regret?
not sharing my hash brown with you at the airport.

later i'm watching the ocean, it's about 3am and there's a magnificent space view, stars everywhere down at the beach, i see a lone plane cut through the night, i see a shooting star and make a wish, the same wish i always make, i see the past behind me, the now is perfect, and the future...