what a fucking day, what a strange yet powerful day today has been. miss cupcake and i have separated company, i'm not sure how long for but as i write i am feeling something really bad has happened and it's going to take a while for me to resolve itself.
i am saddened and deeply hurt and very very angry.
she has bad choice in friends, i seem to remember something about this from before, from the void, ten years ago, stupid friends who are not that friendly to her as all they seem to do is fuck everything up with stupidity, paying no mind to the impact such stupidity would have on the people that genuinely care. she never taking any responsibility, 'oh it was him, oh it was this.'
that's the problem. right there. at least i know why i had an emotional blockage, it was my intuition. i feel so stupid about this, she would not even have a clue how deep it cuts.

the first thing your friend tells me when we are alone is how supportive and helpful he has been and what a great friend he has been to you through the pregnancy, then does this?
i have done stupid things, i'm no angel but i'm a good friend and now i just feel kicked in the head. all that worry and panicking thinking how terrible it would be to be broken down in the pouring rain, pregnant with your phone about to die, you offering a number that may assist, i was so worried about you. so fucking concerned and when i dial it's a gay chat line.
not only do i have to deal with my concern now i have used a work phone to call a gay chat line. yeah right, laugh at my expense. very funny joke, very smart. kinda really sick and cruel to me. and then in a strange revelation i remembered your friends, they played some sick twisted fucked up games with me. i never said anything much about it then, but i'm not the same person now.
i'm over your friends, they are (here's a word i hold sacred but in this instance is a profanity) cunts to me and sadly to you.
i'm so depressed im going to fucking smoke a joint and listen to something like the rain for a while until i pass out and have to leave this miserable day.
i just feel so fucking saddened at the loss, it's truly a veil of tears filled with more zombies than ever, kicking down the back doors, trying to eat our brains cos they just can't stand anyone who is unlike them.