down on what for beach with nico, we are facing the ocean, looking at the waves wash up seaweed, we are talking deep, like we do, under the surface we dive, fishing down at the depths we pull up a few pearls. she looks like a golden girl, sitting in the sunshine, something akin to a stunning supermodel on her day off while i am her grotesque body guard, a strange figure, unshaven, unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed from my codeine hangover, what am i doing with this beautiful girl?

i wonder why i don't just kiss her, or hold her hand, i wonder why she don't do that to me, it's a moment like that. i want her to but there are laws i guess, usually people need alcohol and drugs to behave like that, not me, i'm the opposite of that, but i'm slightly paralyzed emotionally at the moment, somewhat lost.
she looks so good.
i could do this all day, except i can't, i have to go.

i meet miss cupcake for a quick chat in a car wash, she looks all gorgeous in her red hair, i start to tell her about my clusterfuck situation but i'm unable to, to much interference and confusion and she's unable to listen, unable to grasp what i'm trying so hard to express, it's not really her fualt, it's me being somnewhat emotionally blocked. i can't think while some awful music plays, while everyone stares at us, while the second hand spins around that clock, while time is slipping and while she's not that interested in my stuff.
'don't think about it,' she says, 'just see how it plays out.'
she's right but also so very wrong.