strange decent into weird full moon mood swing, serotonin uptake inhibited, stars aligned unfavourably, the cards read ill omened, my past is a veil of smoke and sometimes i feel an anger for that which is lost, sometimes i cast a line into the smog only to see it fade away in the receding nowhere. ekhart tolle says, the power is within the 'now.' he is right of course but there's a responsibility that goes with that, isn't there? how can there not be?
can the mind really avoid responsibility by being present in the moment, i think not. therefore the power is in the responsibility. and my responsibility weighs down heavy, where is my brother to carry the weight, where is my sister to bear the laod, where is my wife, the one who said she loves me. where is my happiness in this now. where is my reward. where is my life gone? where is my life going?
everything is devotion, my universe loves me but my mind sometimes dosn't. it plays tricks and leaves me alone with myself, hell is other people, hell is me, heaven is in the arms of the women you love, heaven is inside the women you love, heaven is fleeting, and therefore heaven is hell.
my old soul carries itself well, for a decrepit used up thing, it has experienced far to much now, it longs for an end, it years to return to the source, it just wants peace and love and the good things, the simple things. gimme some truth my mind says, gimme some peace my soul says, gimme some love my heart says, gimme some narcotic haze my brain says, make it dark and deep, like opium dreams, escape....quickly i'll manifest a portal. his last words were, 'the horror the horror.'
i found myself here back in 1962, born into this strange working class family of jewish immigrants, they had all escaped the horror but lived in it's shadow, 'fear nothing' the ghosts whispered to him, 'fear not even death.' but those old ghosts never warned him about life, they never said, you gonna get smashed to pulp out there, they gonna break your spirit every which way, they gonna destroy ya and rape your hope and fuck your dream, they never mentioned the other horror, the horror inside you. ha! the undead are just jealous, they are jealous of the living. and some living are jealous of them.
i cast me some spells out there, protection, 'get me of the street', you yelled in a berlin nightclub, 'need some protection.'
and then hurled towards infinity you breathed in the truth and saw it all. liberation. you take responsibility for the bodisattvah vow you made. you have no fucking choice, face it baby, be a man, face the void, eat the fucking void. it's just a void after all. and you?
you are...