finally back at mission control, sanctuary, a safe place if ever there was one. what a night, what drama and intrigue, what a strange event this last few months have been, good with the bad, yin with the yang i guess they say it's all about balance and harmony, yet it's elusive isn't it?
after much convincing from nico i get myself to hospital and wait around for 4 hours while i watch drama after drama unfold in the waiting room, they end up putting a mask on me and moving me into quarantine, which is a corridor with a chair in in. i sit there, exhausted from throwing up buckets of blood. i have to run to the bathroom every moment as the junk keeps pouring outta me.
there's a guy with a bleeding foot, he's young and looks like a renegade, he's hopping around leaking a trail of blood. the receptionist tells him to sit down and he starts saying, 'i been here seven hours, i just want some pain management.'
the receptionist who has already proved her incompetency with me tells him to sit down and stop being rude.
he says, quite reasonably, 'look i am not being rude, i've been sitting quietly over there for seven hours and my foot is really hurting me, i just want some painkillers.'
nope. he's up against the system of bureaucracy and petty minded idiots with no ability to make a reasonably independent decision or go against their policy. so what does she do?
the stupid, excuse me for calling her stupid when i myself can be pretty stupid but this was a stupid thing to do, she called the security guard.
so the security guard and the patient have a reasonable conversation, the patient saying he is being reasonable but only wants a few painkillers as his foot is really hurting. but the team of people in the office, admin people insist he is being aggressive and rude, a handful of us in the packed waiting room support the patient and we ask the security guard to get a nurse, which he does. the nurse comes and immediately defends the admin staff, to which the patient introduces himself and asks the name of the nurse, 'good now we can actually begin a conversation.'
very reasonable and well mannered chap. the nurse asks him to sit down and he does but he requests some pain killers again.
the nurse disappears.
i am called in.
they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, i go through the history of this 2-3 month old affliction, including the stupid puffer that gave me a heart attack cos the dr. said i had asthma when i knew i didn't.
the nurse is sympathetic and offers me a shot of codeine, 'this will help you sleep and keep the cough suppressed.'
she tells me to see my dr. in the morning as the results from my whooping cough test will be in.
she gives me a bottle of liquid codeine and lets me go. i pass the poor guy in the waiting room and a drink area, grabbing a paper cup i give him a shot of codeine and show him the bottle.
he's very grateful, his foot is really mangled and his home made bandage is stained red from blood.
by the time i am home i've slipped into a deep sleep, the first one in days.
in the morning i go for my results and the dr says, 'i don't have whooping cough but there's a shadow over my heart,' she sends me for x rays and i go through a doughnut machine thing where they scan me. i hate all this shit, absolutely hate being a servant of some weird constructed medicine shit, i rather just trust my body but i know my body is a spent force, on the decline and i have responsibilities i need to meet, people who care about me, they really do, and i want to be reasonable and balanced.
so i get my x rays and leave them sitting on my table in a sealed envelope for a while, thinking it's one of those strange moments where any second every thing will change. i wonder how i'll feel. i really don't think anything will be there, the shadow is there because of some weird multi dimensional stuff, it's just manifested now. it's nothing but smoke and mirrors.
what's real is what is in the heart.
and right now there's good stuff, i got a good fucking heart, yeah lots of scars but hey, that's the road to wisdom right?
yeah my heart is brilliant, it's expansive and strong and filled with some weird gooey energy, it's in love with everything and everyone close to me. i do some mental exercises, visualisations and invoke the goddess. i know she loves me. she always had a special place for me, i trust that stuff.
i open the envelope and get the all clear, there's some weird shit in there, i don't understand but generally it seems okay. god knows what this cough is but it's not infectious, god knows why i am coughing up blood and shit but the codeine has worked now and it's stopped, god knows why this is happening the way it is but i gotta love the fact it is cos god and his wife work in mysterious ways.
i take a hit of codeine and hopefully i'll sleep for a few more peaceful hours.
shadow on the heart.