in a custard pie fight with a hand that has a mind of it's own. 
i'm not sure how this started but it involved micro surgery and a hand transplant. the doctor was an older man using an experimental technique from south korea. it involved a hi tech laser operating bench which the doctor has set up in a rented warehouse in east sydney. 
my hand had been severed in a fight with two samurai warriors who had attempted to abduct my wife. i'm not sure why they set her sights upon her but her espionage background would have had a certain influence. we are used to these kinds of occurrences and have so far had intercepted several attempts, most of which i foiled. in the early days i ended up with several wounds but this would be the first in over a year where i'd actually required surgery.
a few hours after reattachment the hand began to show signs of independence and sentience. 
it began by directing a fork into my eye. although this sounds quite violent i managed to seize it with my other hand before damage was done. the transplanted hand being weaker dropped the fork onto my plate of eggs and slapped me around the face a few times.
witnesses say it moved fast and was completely ruthless. 
the dining area was attached to the kitchen area, where several of the chiefs looked on in horror. most of the waiters stared in shock and other diners silenced by the display of self-injury.
thinking fast i grabbed the table cloth and pulled it free, immediately wrapping it around my rouge fist.
'this should do the trick,' i said aloud to my audience. i paid the bill and left, somewhat embarrassed but alive.
there was no doubt of the hands murderous intent, and i knew there was only one solution, which was to return to the surgeon and have it replaced.
on the way the hand attempted to steer the wheel of my car into an oncoming truck, it also attempted to put on the handbrake, but being the right hand i had time to intervene as it made it's reach for the lever.
i pulled up outside the warehouse and ran inside holding the tablecloth wrapped hand down as it struggled to regain freedom.
the doctors injected it with a tranquilizer and although the hand managed to get in one punch, a fierce uppercut right under my chin the doctors intervened and carried out the procedure with the hand of a famous designer. her hand was smaller but similar in structure and shape, and it had skill and beauty my original lacked with none of the self-loathing and projection the first replacement displayed. it was easy to love the new hand, often i would find myself stroking it affectionately and exploring myself with it. eventually, my wife left in jealous envy of my affection and peace descended, no more espionage or drama to suck me in. 
my plan was to locate the rest of the body that the hand was taken from and rebuild it, a jigsaw puzzle, part frankenstein, part artistic pursuit of beauty, and despite the painful month ahead while we rebuilt, it was all leading somewhere. over the course of weeks the body took shape, and the result was astounding, the more if neared completion the more affectionate and nurturing the hand became, displaying and demonstrating, love as it must be. i began to understand that all the drama, all the espionage and sabotage had to occur for us to build this magnificent happy ending. 

i had a powerful dream, it imprints upon me like a fresh brand upon new flesh and then a message confirms my dream. 
rain outside penetrates the morning, it's grey skies match the empty void and yet the birds are chirping away an ode to joy.

  

in your healing i chose my cards, purely for selfish reasons as i need a little guidance in what is going on for us through this period.

9 disks = gain
ruled by the moon, karmic reward, wisdom, love and creativity, the foundation, the fields of imagination, the happiest realms. finally satisfied with themselves they settle down and gather the crops, well-earned rewards for good accomplishment while enjoying the charming shine of venus.
9 swords = cruelty
destructive domination by a lower form of intellect that results in emotional cruelty.  the fields of reflection and imagination, while other suits bless happiness this represents cruelty through the nature of the mind. it cannot rest, cannot stop thinking analyzing and in the end cannot ignore the fact that this leads nowhere. this card really represents going into the depths by over analysis. 
20 the aeon- the trump card of time and the changes dictated by time, it addresses finality, hope liberation and redemption, the evolution of human consciousness. there is an astrological connection with libra, the aeon is the phoenix. insight, a true understanding of life's circle and patterns. the card says, 'leave the monkey mind perception and gaze from higher levels.' 
the time has come to face the new, build a utopia. birth, renewal and transformation. knowledge of coherence and wide perception and liberation of hidden abilities unlimited potential and possibilities. a decision that impacts your life, trauma and psychological effects that hamper you from another person, repeating the same destructive patterns.

in sickness and in health, right? those are the words that seem to be the words that traditionally unite people, so i'm very sick and suddenly out of the blue blessed with a visitation from ms mission who pops in with cat and computers. she's very lovely and despite weeks of absence and a strange feeling of finality to see her makes my heart melt, all pain dissolves and fade away and then returns as we delve into shamanic realms of emotional states and map the energies we create from our feedback loops. i'm hoping the process will take an hour but it consumes most of the day, and it's interesting to see how these patterns work. she and i undoubtedly connected on many levels, all influencing one another.
we begin to see and talk truths, it's deeply profound shadow work and she's brave enough to begin to see the energy at play here, a healing aspect that requires more work. i take her through some of the processes, dragging forth the truth which she offers with raw honesty. everything now becomes clarity.
ms mission is creating a karmic pattern, very common in people who have experienced what she has, unfortunately upon the innocent but it is a well-known pattern to those that know this work, thankfully my professional life serves me just as well as my shamanic. 
pulled back is the light of the greater perspective, the missing piece of the puzzle, the raison d'etre of her defensive mechanisms and why it all feels like hate towards me. history teaches us nothing, it's patterns teach us all. 
despite the dive into such rawness healing occurs, it is healthy, constructive and worthwhile. i see things from a new perspective. my strength returns.

look readers i am not dealing with any normal woman here, ms. mission is not just a girl or woman i happen to have fallen in love with, she is much more. she's my twin flame, a concept so bizarre even i can't quite grasp it, yet it makes perfect sense. her shadow side fights me all the way, like catching marlin i have to hang on tightly, reel her in towards truth slowly and carefully, with love.
she is super intelligent, creative, a business woman, a witch of considerable power, a brilliant mother with an incredible mind and the inner beauty that matches her outer beauty, yet she is complex and contradictory, she really is something else and despite all the fucking drama she brings i love her and respect her on many levels, she's my equal and when she is ready to roll we have great work to do.      

i'm back from overseas, very sick with pneumonia which has smashed me completely. was it worth it i wonder in the deep stretch of my illness. for the first time doubt hits me and in my feverish state i see the new truth. all i have been met with day after day is a defensive mechanism that will lure me in and then repel me, an uncertainty principle that had beaten me to a pulp with it's consistent polarity. 
i begin to feel anger resentment and disappointment and wonder if i should really give it all up and find  another. 
when i wrote the spell i had no one specific in mind, i just wrote it as i would any spell, no agenda in my alphabet, i used the brokerage service available to me. my prayer was answered, it's rude to send things back so i kept my faith but now, today i feel different. 
obviously this has been a long time coming and ironically in my state i feel remarkably strong, after all i am the one who made the effort in this experience. it's mine to withdraw, mine to chose. who could blame me, i gave it everything, and the payback was sabotage and indifference. i let it go, i let it all go and suffered my punishments alone, why should i imagine i would ever have her as a friend when all i have experienced is a form of hate. 
when morning arrives i get a message about her dream. it's significant but it makes me think about our strange connection and how much i really know it to be something true. it makes me breath better she seems to feel the same way, despite all her actions. 
logic determines the fact, if you repeat the same action and expect a different result it defines a form of madness. so i ponder my abdication with great seriousness and contemplation. i want a better return, a quality i feel and experience. love is conditional. it has to be or else it's just a fickle fleeting dalliance with no real meaning or significance, anyone can just love anyone, love reduced to commodity  i love you becomes 'would you like fries with that.'
i can't pour my energy into something that offers me zero, that's not even a feedback loop.
but she is my wife through alchemical processes, ayahuscia delivered us, the universe has intervened despite her refusal to acknowledge it, despite all her defensive strategies, despite the sabotage and the influence of people around her i remain. loyal to a fault. it's my weakness.
i wake up looking and listening for a fat lady singing but only see tee shirts which words that confirm the truth.
hong kong is weird, i'm still laid out like a dead man in a morgue, however i do take one amazing trip up a mountain called the peak where i notice a spectacular graveyard on the steep overgrown edge. ancient graves of pirates, over run with bush, it's a sub tropical gothic resting place with a view. i feel at peace here, amongst the dead pirates. 
the peak is really quite worthwhile and wander around like a tourist at the top, enjoying my time travel back to the pre structural days of the island. i would have sailed these shores, smuggled opium, fought the chinese and the british, stateless as we searched for our own libeteria, my crew of beatniks, philosophers and poets, artist and mystics, we were nocturnal, under the moon, our movements were night, obscured and silent from the sight of man. we sailed for the goddess, we sailed for freedom and truth and liberation.
the next few days i sleep, in and out i drift, dreams where i am in love as i see it unfolding, dreams of romance and hot flesh and whispers of passionate words, far removed from the reality of now. 
back in sydney i feel empty again, alone, and i wonder if i have made a mistake returning. there really seems like nothing here for me now. an emptiness.
it's good to be back, i didn't really have a good trip, all i did was sleep and fight illness. i still cough, splutter and have a heavy heart. what a pointless exercise. i am without hope, dante wrote, 'abandon all hope ye whom enter here' for this is hell, but for me its become purgatory. i'm a long way from where i need to be, subjected to test conditions and the insane influence of others.
we speak on the phone, yet more obstacles, more hurdles, more attacks, all completely unconscious and i can feel myself slipping away. was it ever meant to be this hard. do i deserve this? 
it's difficult for me not to question everything again. why would i put myself through such drama and hardship. i do believe, but i'm not insane enough to continue being treated with such fucking indifference.
then i get a phone call from my cousin who seems to think i should move to denver with him.
it seems to be a great idea, a place i always loved despite the winters. colorado, a smart state, new opportunity, a new life, an escape from this farce i have found myself trapped in.
my prayers are always answered, i ponder this.
god gives and sends us what we want, it happens to me all the time. it would be rude to return these blessings.
i feel like i have been rejected, yet i'm very aware of my worth, maybe not to her but to someone who values me. whom loves me. 
she divides everything into light and darkness, i am dark whereas he was light. this confused me so much, a duality that was false as all duality is, yet it continues on and on, i am a dark energy, no one can save her from me she is warned by those that love her.
maybe i should just become the darkness, fuck people and their judgements and agendas, i bet not one of those people who call me dark have had anywhere as much experience in the human condition as i have, i bet not one of those people have chosen to widen and broaden their understanding of humanity by experiencing it. yes, i could have chosen not to work with children that have been tortured and abused, and worked in a flower shop ignorant and happy but i'm not the ignorant type, and i'm not a man who thinks being happy is the answer to life. the answer lies in evolution, and in order to evolve i must know what i am evolving from. i don't chose ignorance, i don't chose bliss, i choose life. 
i recall once being at a party and some girl asking me what i do.
'i work with sexually abused children,' i said.
later i was told by some friends i shouldn't tell people what i was doing as it was a party and not the correct place to speak of such things.
fuck that. 
is that me being a dark energy?
truth is not fucking light. it's everything that is not a lie. that's why psychedelics open the fucking mind, so we can see it all. light and darkness.
people who call me dark need to look at their own darkness, disguised as light. it's just a mask until you remove it and walk into human suffering without wearing a mask you can't fucking tell me i'm a dark energy. 
light, darkness, to me they are the same as red and green, all colours on a spectrum. i'm all those colours and beyond because i have vast experience and knowledge. i don't fucking live in a cacoon surrounded by self affirming groups of people who all reenforce one anothers reality. i chose diversity so i am challenged and can expand. i choose a wide human experience so i have grown and yeah, it's brutal and disturbing but that's just a small fraction of me. yet that's the fraction that everyone seems to have focused upon without even meeting me, knowing me or anything about me. lightworkers, these people may call themselves lightworkers but perhaps what they really are is just frightened and scared. i don't judge them for staying safe in their cocoons but who are they really serving. i bet not one of them ever volunteered their time on a suicide prevention hotline. much safer to just send a quick donation or a moment of empathy.   
fuck them. i don't care to be judged or labeled, sentenced to some sort of unimaginative polarity where things are just light or dark. when those people have a wider range of experience, when they have seen what a sadist does to a child or treated a battered wife's bruises then maybe i would take them seriously. 
i chose my career because i was good at what i did, i wanted service to the vulnerable, i excelled in it because i wanted to heal mankind one person at a time. each job became progressively more challenging and complex until i reached my limit. that's not darkness, that's experience. 
the opposite word is innocence. i'm on a spectrum between those points not light and darkness. if you want someone permanently stuck in childhood, that's not going to be me. i'd really like to be there sometimes, and i envy those that are, but i don't remain in that state for long, i get there when i get there and it passes when it passes. the rest of me moves so the fact is i'm not fucking dark or light, i don't want to be either of those things at all. i'm not limited to lightworking, you can inform your people, i'm much more than they can even imagine. so please tell them to stop fucking calling me a dark energy because all that does is show me what they are.
i've seen how people manipulate, it's so fucking frightening and requires far more intelligence than i have. that's the brain not the heart. it's all a game i don't play. i have zero interest in these types of games and drama. i was completely honest with you about my intention and then subjected to crucifixion by the horde of people you call lightworkers. i tolerated their words and influence because they meant something to you. but now i say fuck them. i'm not playing their game at all. i'm way beyond that.
i have moved through the evolution of this relationship slowly, it's hurt me deeply, wounded me and i feel battered but no more will i give myself to it as i have done. it is time now for me to experience something different other than indifference, platitudes and dishonour.
am i worthy you asked me when you were feeling powerful and mighty in your ego state. i was worthy then and it never meant anything to you. i'm worthy still, what does it mean to you now?


    

beautiful one, i hope this helps you in my absence. food for thought.

one charioteer, two winged horses.

the platonic ideal of the composite soul.
(see the image i use as a header is the awakened intelligence and two dragons)

one horse is the biological self, the instincts if you are romantic like me, the appetites if you are a platonist.

the other horse is thumos (courage) the spirited part of the self, the part that responds non rationally to praise or blame from others. it is guided by pressures and influence of community to which the individual belongs.

one horse represents the biological and individual self, the other the social self.

it is in thumos the microscopism reflects our social macroscopism.

to the ancient greeks thumos was not just a social construct but a real life force and once it left the body of a person they died.

eros (not the love eros but the appetite) is the other horse, a need for lower needs, the base of maslow's hierarchy of needs perhaps. food, shelter, warmth. thumos being the higher.

the charioteer is the logos, the will and intellect of the mind. 

both horses have a place within the soul and when a healthy mind holds the reigns the chariot can be driven forwards. 

logos is significant, it desires nothing but learning and wisdom and thus by this mental function the soul can balance the pulses and urges of the two winged horses.

eros- driven by sensual impressions and bodily appetites,

thumos - driven by social norms and expectations

logos - driven by the capacity of mental reflection, generates nothing except what is filtered by the two horses.

therefore the greeks were concerned about this tripartite soul as that all data was significantly altered or biased. what we touch is not what we perceive and process in the mind.  the faculties of the soul distort the ability to perceive nature as it is.

a good way to look at this is traveling through a strange land you have two translators, one speaks only of the physical appearance and desires, the other of social status and chances to improve their nobility. both are unreliable.

by the end of the journey you know more about the translators than the country.

this is where the logos finds itself. 
it depends on two functions that provide inaccurate data.

there is no way the data can be corrected once filtered.

so how can we know beyond our senses?

intuition or as the greeks called it nous. this allows us true insight into reality. the nous remains pure and undistorted. it is a higher form of knowledge and insight. understanding and intuition.

plato sees the sun as intuition, the part of the soul that has lived many lives. nous is infinite and self-ruled, it is independent. it creates meaning and it transcends all realms and it is often used in magick. it is a divine understanding.

the secret lies in co creation between the external force of the nous and the internal forces of the logos. harmony.

eventually the nous will be the conduit between heaven and yourself, it's almost easy to see how intuition can become an occult force. 
you have excellent intuition, train it, use it, trust it. i love you.

...ms. mission is probably the most beautiful woman i have ever seen, i say probably as i don't want to be accused of being biased or obsessed but she is something else. i want to show you all her face, it's magnificent to gaze upon. i could look at her for hours and often do, just watching that incredible structure that shifts between moon, feline, egyptian goddess, witch and wonder. 
i won't post her photograph here as she may get upset and disprove of such iconography so you would have to trust me when i say she's incredible. 
however without wanting to dismiss her face, i have to inform you about the space that exists within her mind. so freaking intelligent and switched on i always feel like i am in the presence of a true genius of our times. she has so much to offer this planet and has triumphed over great adversity including me. 
so hail to the heroine.
and i must confess i was blessed when she came to visit and say goodbye, wow!
despite my crazy emotional fracture, i have no idea what was happening except that weeks, perhaps months of almost zero sleep had caught up with me. every second was beautiful as she weaved her brilliant beauty and mind through my ravaged predicament. man what a woman.
there is no doubt for me, we have an extraordinary "relationship' and it is blooming into something stronger while maintaining the incredible uniqueness of our individuality. the result being when we are together we are more than the sum of our parts (despite my feeling less yesterday)
i fell into a deep sleep when she left, deeper than i can fathom, there was no end to the depths and the dreams.
one dream being we were both in a lovely convertible  a big car, old fashioned. and we were driving under blue skies, laughing and listening to some nice jazz music. ah it was lovely for me to dream like that, joyous for a change. so few dreams recently, just impressions.

well i am awake early, feeling so much better and as i drove down the freeway a car with a name we share as a faded vision reappeared and stuck with me all the way to my turn off. i don't read to much into these things but that was a nice affirmation of something.

when i'm horizontal and i think about her body, her flesh in the most explicit ways, it's an erotic tidal wave but it's not formed from anything but some strange charkra energy. 
when i'm vertical grounded to planet, conduit of gaia intelligence agencies, i understand the mission. 
solar charkra activated, bright yellow radiating outwards, it's heat baby, gonna melt your ice fortress. that green one is fucking stronger than ever, it's just pulsing out like a throbbing love gun set to stimulation mode and the blue one knows the words and the crown just wants to melt into yours and form a sexy over-mind. it's love my way, and it is a new road i follow.
  

forever now
by
the deep fix

see the sun send it's ancient light
and time spans the great divide
you and i are stardust
travelling side by side
we know what the story is
we know how it ends
in lovers like us the template lays
so much more than friends
from eternity to infinity
from infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

see horizons curve before us
big dividing lines dissolve
and distance that was between us
is a matter of resolve
we don't care about tomorrow
that was yesterday
and all that matters to us
is we are here to stay
from infinity to eternity
from infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

if angels can dance upon
the head of a tiny pin
open up that beautiful heart and
let me come on in
you know me now
you see me with the eye within
we think that we are seperate
but we are only orbiting
from infinity to eternity
infinity to now

that's forever baby
forever now
that's forever baby
forever now

not much sleep at all but old mission did love his late night chat with ms mission, sigh....

i pottered around watched the dawn rise over the water, sparkle in the fragments of light through water, crashing surf and meditations upon the heart which to be honest get me nowhere. i am what i am.

i am not what i am not. which leaves me so that's who i am now. 

so i drop the xv off at the garage and lo and behold they offer to drive me home and pick me up, yahoo seriously, that's saved some time in which i must make preparations. i search through some drawers and find a complete new set of clothing i never knew i had, lots of japanese influenced attire, some exotic sarongs from my travels some other stuff i might take with me. 

part of me puts things in the case, it's the part that is running on auto pilot, the rest just is filled with unrequited desire, longing and wishing. that part makes me feel very vulnerable and isolated. i should not even disclose that part because it's ripe for exploitation and sabotage. that part just has such a heavy heart at the moment, filled with some sort of weird sadness and guilt. it's new to me, a new feeling and it makes me sadder than extra visionary blue.

then there's all this helplessness about ms. mission feelings of 'familiararity' and her fear. it's ironic to say the least but i'm an irony guy. 

it would be nice to just be seen with fresh eyes, as a individual unique being and a fresh page on which to build a perception but i guess we all have our histories and they often control us more in the present than we can deal with.

well the day is young still, laundry, cleaning, packing, preparation. it's all speeding up around me, does time run out for me? can i escape it? no. i think november will be the date of my liberation or sentence but i can push forwards through time, age and decay will have to play their role now, i will suffer for 6 months but no longer than i have to. i guess this is the consequence for me. a sacrifice.

who would have ever thought such a thing could happen to me yet i guess jesus always said, love is sacrifice and he knew a bit about love. i'll just do what he did seeing as though he's popping up everywhere these days.

word spreads fast amongst the people i connect with, everyone knows what's going down often before i even get a chance to speak. i don't know, maybe i'm just slow on the uptake these days, nervous to commit to anything as nothing seems interested to engage on a level that means anything. just have to plod forwards on my own, in my own way and own time. i cart myself off to see my glamorous agent who has organised everything for me, she knows exactly what i like, my accomodation needs are eccentric and precise. she knows my time tables, situation and resources. she's a smart cookie and i like chatting with her about places, faces, surf. in fact in my dull ordinary days i look forwards to seeing her light up when i walk in.
so it's done, my movements are locked in, loaded and i now have to position myself in a very tight schedule for a few days. easy, but blah, i'm so unmotivated to do anything other than enter a deep state of sleep for a thousand years on ms. missions chest.
it's the strangest feeling described only by the movie 2001 space odyssey where the monkey bone spins through space and time and suddenly it's a space habitat rotating to create its own gravity. the worlds most perfect edit. that's what my head on her chest and hearing her heartbeat feels like. go figure?
and last night she shares with me her passion for 1984 and animal farm, how incredible. my two fave books are hers. 
it's mind blowing!
i watch the amazing surf break down at terrible, the swell is magnificent and there are hoards of hardcore surfers riding them, all decked out in full wetsuits. mmm, i'm tempted but i'm also very exhausted and in these conditions a man must know his limits. 
i grab a coffee and some supplies. 
i consider the doctor as i've been bleeding badly from my nose but dismiss the whole thing. whatever it is i don't really need to know about it only know it will pass like everything else in the last few months, the physical pain is so much better than the emotional, it's almost a relief.
on return i do some cleaning, heavy domestic situation and play bellydance loud. then i consider throwing stuff in a suitcase but blah, i'm renowned for packing at the last second and travelling very light. 
seems like i can just lay down for a while and listen to the birds outside. i'm going to miss them.

what a mysterious woman you are,

the only sleep i seem to get is when i hear your heart beating in my ear and my head rests upon your breast.

why is that so?

my nose is cold. i don't like that at all!

in to city to see iggy starseed my old friend, what a joy, what a great morning, perfect company for me.
we discuss a multitude of things, eat a toxic laksa which almost blew my head off, discuss some geo-political stuff, some weaponry, random books and old iggy pop. we discuss iggy's movements through global points and my current situation. we look for the japanese shop where we can't find the cash register and i pick up the new waterboys cd at red eye. yay!

it was on sunday, was it not? my mind is so discombobulated now, the days all blended into one. 
did we not wander through chinese space and collect burning sticks where intention dissipates into smoke, did we not ask for basil seed drink and find it sweet and sensational, did we not play a space bubble drum machine with big deep dish bass notes, wander through japanese bookshops and eventually turn right to the opera house wing of the quay to catch the 'hold on' mantra.
sundays lazy sunday afternoon seemed quite apt as we spiraled around in song and dance, spiral around yin and yang, you and i in the cosmic dance of vishnu. one day your eyes will open up and you will see clearly now the fear is gone, obstacles were in your head all the time, it's going to be a bright future so get your sunglasses out.
i found my place where i rest my face, in twilights last gleaming and music revealing all the things you need to know, all the answers in our flow, other people see it clearly within us, they always have. it was a good day reflected in your inner eye but that brain is a resistor to all matters of the heart, whereas mine is true. 
the harbour alive with our vitality and joyous dance, music blasting out in droplets of light, it's nice that you finally see me in the world i guess, it's good you experience what that effect is as opposed to constantly perceive me as something i am not. 
i got a bit lost in your judgments of me, they confused me and made me think i was inadequate or failing in some way, it was never me failing though. it was you. i was not the beast after all. i am what i have always been and will always be.

productive mission, yes yes yes, it's all coming together, my novels and stories are moving fast. mr. mission is very happy, he's found his groove. all i needed was the waterboys doing that ladbrooke groove song, belly dance doing pope of pop and some random funky jazz tunes with cool piano. oh and some of that.

so here i am a tuned in space tripping elegant alien seeking some truth and a little action. look to the stars, the moon. i seek escape from the salvation blues i need a happy ending with some good news, i'm a big bag of tricks and one of them is me. popping crazy saxophones with those colbalt blue and hot pink notes. some one said i shouldn't wear my boots but i say, 'fuck you.'

so keep on going, high speed train, making that deadline with some high velocity . i have enjoyed these last few days, big energy surging through me now, back to being someone i love.

i'm on the right side of love. and the wrong side of heartbreak.

ah, i dig that song most of all. listen to that hammond in the mix.

  

man that 11:11 pops up everywhere at the moment, what the hell is that all about. i normally see it all the time but the last few weeks nothing and suddenly it has reappeared. maybe it's because i finally feel happy and relaxed, it's weird how calm i am and somewhat blissful. inner peace finally returns to old captain mission.
i keep feeling that beautiful twin flame close-by even though she pissed off somewhere, it's very strange, it actually feels good for a change rather than all that angst and uncertainty. 
i slept a bit and had a dream we were dancing together to some funky music wrapped around one another like dna strands, ohh it did get a bit frisky. all my energy feels very cool at the moment. it's groovy again. yay, i think i'm back to fucking normal. and it appears my past has returned to show me a few things i had forgotten about.
this is very strange indeed, all things aligning like this out of the blue. i wonder what the fuck is going on.

hey ho, off we go, a massive day / night writing and reading various works, my eyes have gone square shaped and although i managed two hours of uninterrupted sleep i worked through the night like a naughty possum, inspiration, spliff and mineral water fuelling me. mission impossible as i attempt some completion and rewrites but my mojo's fading fast as the sun came up. 
it was good to get some contact with my old friend iggy starseed who seems to be in town, i was looking forwards to hearing from that cat. man i miss him and his brain, he will give me sound and sage advice. 
i'm convinced we have some project to do together, not sure what it could be, the last one was way ahead of it's time. i'm always going to remember his challenge to the love guy who thought he was so clever when he said in protest, 'i am love, that's all i need.'
without missing a beat iggy replies, 'great, now take that into down town mogadishu and see where it gets you.'
i love that moment.
beyond love. it's why i like commitment and loyalty, the cosmic truth counts for something, it's why i can leap and now i can fly once more.
it's reassuring to know and have this certainty there are people in my past whom will support me, believe in me and know me in a way i  know myself. they seem to have arrived right on time, despite my strange resistance they are all here, now!

dolphin boy and i chat for a few hours working out our parallelogram  and how it has been resolved. interesting stuff as dolphin boy like myself watches the waves, he's up at some nice spot north while i am based at terrigal beach headlands looking for whales. this is the time they swim past and usually have something to say. 
dolphin boy knew me just before my story 'rites' starts, he knew me at a time in my life when i was mostly a surf loving beach guy, laid back and open, social and very happy in my innocence. we surfed everyday, always together. our fave times were drinking iced coffee after a long surf or beer in what we called the ufo landing spot, a place we made very fashionable years after. we never ran in normal time, always just operated on chance and it worked. gradually our network expanded and a tribe was born. my tribe. it was pretty groovy, a collection of cool cats all looking to play but then i had a very bad accident that took me veering into another path, a tangent where i was forced into exploring a dark area of life and my stupid fear which manifested in a much bigger way than i ever understood possible. that's what 'rites of passage' is about. i was so foolish thinking i could face my fear but that year i did and it was an awful experience.
anyway i pulled away from all the beauty and light and met the dark shadow, faced up to it and it did change me in a profound way. i lost a part of myself but gained experience. 
that's the thing, life draws you into different area and as you loose part of yourself you gain something as well. i am lucky, i led the writers life, each experience had meaning, it was never just a hedonistic one, there was purpose and growth to them, an evolution.
dolphin boys reminds me we once started a company called 'aid to evolution' and our plan was to evolve the human race but in the many years that have passed i understand evolution is a personal experience and we just were egotistical fools thinking we had a world to save. 
dolphin boy agrees with me and we reminisce a bit about those days when we were innocent and how the last few years and lessons have made us somewhat more isolated and detached from the world of man. 
later i speak to my cousin about aircraft, lots of stuff happening on that front, jesus that guy moves fast. movement seems to be on the cards, where do i go? 
he's looking at islands now, tells me to check out st. kitts, i can ship all my stuff out there in a container, although he has never seen my book collection and i think it's a seasonal kind of place, good surf though. not sure if i need such a radical change but i do like the whole idea of dramatic internal change although the last few days i have found a sort of peace, a relative happy spot i can return to. that's gotta be groovy. 

the moments
wake up in a strange sweat, my head is expanded into something else. an old friend rings me up, we speak for a long time and i understand our connection is much deeper than perhaps i gave it credit, unbreakable bond.
cathy has always been love incarnate so it's interesting to hear her speak about her journey. she is and always has been beautiful to me, kind and demonstratively loving. even after 20 years she tells me non stop how much she loves me. it's easy to believe her. 
we talk about jake and his current status. she used to hang out with jake a little. we talk about travel, we talk about tambourines and magick stuff, we talk about darkness and light, we talk about vibrations and resonance, some mayan stuff and the fact we should see one another soon. i guess i need to do something but all this choice of movement is making me do nothing. eventually the pressure will get so high i will do something, i guess. inertia is crawling up my spine making it's way into my brain box. it's either going to snap, crackle or pop. 
i have a interesting conversation with my counterpart dolphin persona, a man fish i surfed with for years who also has a similar heart based approach to life the universe and everything, he tells me of his journey, a strange tangled tale of the pursuit of money and how it damaged his marriage. i don't know what to say, the pursuit of money is everyones ambition it appears except ours, we choose love over cash. 
then there's you cryptic, secretive and unavailable to me. what can i count upon, only myself and the handful of people who seem to be manifesting from my long distant past. i wrestle with this occurrence. i don't go backwards but these people are catching up to me, they all seem to be there now. what's going down, i wonder. i really need to face this strange appearance of the past and understand why it has occurred at this time. 
maybe a short trip is in order. this would satisfy my need to get away and also my curiosity to explore this phenomena. 
mission control is shaping up, kitchen tidied, table reasonable and now the deck transformation into a new area i can play in, a hammock space for swingers. there's some outside work happening as well, a reenforced retaining wall and a new levelled corridor along the side of my house. 
the rest of the time i work upon my short story collection, a second edition with many changes to the first, longer stories tidied up and adapted. then i will put out volume 2 which will be a collection of new stories. it's a lot of laborious work, in front of a computer but i have to do it.