another beautiful day, i'm down at the beach early no surf at all, flat and clear as a translucent pancake, the sun is already intense. everyone is there, meet and greets, i'm not really in the mood although i could use a coffee. i chat to danni about dating in the modern times, we have a giggle about how confusing it all is. a random man comes along and tells us about how he was arrested and then beaten up by the police last night. it's a horrific story and given the local polices record i don't doubt him.

i take the car through the car wash, it's a big day, i return to work, have a few things to do. i'm writing a bit, finally getting an idea I been incubating on for a few years, it's a huge story and spans eons, it's hard sci-fi and it's complex so a big challenge. but this is my big story, the one my imagination threw at me, and I like it as an idea. it's got everything including a mad scientist or wait, is he sane. anyways, it's going to take a while to complete and tidy up, i think i will need an editor for this one. 

i haul myself to a party catch up with a hard of people, they blitz me with questions, food and drink, i don't eat anything but have some water. there's some people surf i with there, they have heard about an altercation i had this morning with a feral woman who decided to enter a conversation with me, she was very aggressive and antagonistic. she was stumped by me and as usual i had to confront her with her own truth. she hates males, she was hurt in a relationship and probably others, she's surrounded by a defensive system that is nasty and unfriendly and hostile and she picked a fight with the wrong guy. she leaves but i have read her aura and energy, she is left wing, sexually repressed, hates men although secretly wants one, she's wrapped up in causes as she is a lost one, she virtue signals, she's desperate to be liked but she isn't and she craves attention but only gets negative attention as very few people like her. i could have put her out of her misery but my friend intervened and he ended up taking the hit. later we went for a walk and sat in the sun.this seemed to be the main topic at the party, word had got around i had involved myself with this woman and everyone was confessing how difficult they had found her. 

i don't know, she wasn't really difficult just a waste of energy. I can let go very fast of situations like this, they just bore me, but seem to entertain everyone else. 
i see a few there people, we chat, we light a big fire, i want a joint but no one is smoking so i make an excuse and leave.it's very early but i'm not a party guy, i want a joint, and i have an early morning. the drive home is lovely through the narrow streets in the country, stars above, clear night, perfect. 

 

finally out and about, no longer exhausted or sleep deprived, look at those bags under my eyes, i am alive and kicking, healthy and happy, just chilling out. the last few months have been nuts, totally insane and it's my own fault, just taking on far to much without thinking about my own needs. 

the sun is out obliterating fears and tears, the people all stop to say hi, i must have a good energy about me, no more sickness or weird karma, i'm back from the land of the dead. 

with time out, time off the world is my oyster baby.  

i have not been to drumming for a few months now, something is stopping me, the cold, the wind and the lack of motivation due to the cosy situation mission control offers with it's fireplace and soft music, plus the opportunity to write and read. i'm well into book two of eisenhorn, 'malleus' which is brilliant. set almost 100 years after the first novel we segue into areas of the first novel that have been left unresolved and the team uncover an even bigger conspiracy within a conspiracy. i'm loving abnett's writing, and wish he would team up with reynolds, those two would complement one another very well.
they are currently on a hive planet called by the imperial inquisition to attend a huge summit where the empire will demonstrate it's success in a very big parade that has been sabotaged. abnett describes this on a huge scale, it's utterly immersive and so massive in scale. and that's just the prelude. brilliant stuff.

the other news is.

and it is big news.

lacuna has a release date, two new tracks are out, both brilliant but 'western' turns me on in that classic way, it's quite brilliant. i'll post it soon, i'm sure the band won't mind, but please buy the cd. i really don't want this to be the last one, i feel there's one final album to make, and they are not there yet. it' strange but i know when it should be, and it's possibly the next one. anyway's lets just stay on lacuna now, two years in the shadows. it's coming next month.

what a predictable write of yesterday was, as i mentioned i was burnt out, not something that happens often, maybe once before in a 40 year career but i know my limits which is why i pleaded for a day off, after all it was only a short six hour shift but my boss said i had to do it.
even the drive in was harrowing, my faculties are down, my mind was spinning and unfocused and i knew as soon as i hit the freeway i should not be doing this. when i arrived at work she asked me how i was and i was honest, 'i'm fucked, exhausted, i shouldn't be here.'
the result was a car crash, i won't go into details but it was not pleasant. still i have to run around like an idiot and do everything for everyone. 
the drive home was precarious.
this morning after a good sleep and rest i feel much better, almost back to myself. I manage to get to the beach and watch the surf roll in, it's windy and a bit cold. my coffee cost me $7.20. i have to find a new haunt. i sit in the sun, after about ten minutes the sun begins to warm my skin. it feels good. 

i go home. it feels good still.

on my last legs, mentally, spiritually, physically exhuasted with a few more hours to go until i drive home along that superficial highway, into the night of lights, the edge of night and here i am just catching my breath after a fucking long and hard day. i'm spent. i asked for tomorrow off, i'm so run down and just want to stay home, do my laundry, clean my floors and tidy up the garden but my boss said no. it's fucking disgusting, i'm burnt out, you can see it in my eyes but she is so lost without me, she is making me come in. it's fucking nuts.
anyways, no point in complaining, just gotta keep on going. even these clients know i'm done, and give me a wide birth. 

i daydream about the new nissan narvaro pro x, it's a sexy beast and would be a completely different driving experience than my c-hr hybrid. but there's something about diesel and bit fucking chunky tyres. i think about the flooding and tree debis up where i am, the off road terrain, and i figure i'd enjoy long drives in the wild parts of the coast. no one would fuck with me on the road. i'd be a living breathing springsteen song. then the fantasy fades to just travelling down to melbourne for a break, hanging out in some quiet pub where everyone sips stout and reads quietly. yes it's true my brain is pouring out all over the place, it's not going anywhere near europe though, it does feel a gravitational pull to florida and new mexico. it certainlty slides away to asia, but to be honest all i really want to do is sit on the throne at terrigal and go surfing. ah, the cure to all my blues.

 on the second warhammer book after finishing the first, eisenhorn is a pretty interesting inquisitor general,  with a collection of strange bedfellows. i read a couple of short stories that bridge the gap between the first and second novel and they were very good.
malleus starts strong, a cracker of an opening so i'm curious to see where it all goes from there. dan abnett is such a confident writer, i'm turning pages fast but also enjoying his imaginative and descriptive turn of phrase.

work is killing me, I did about 60 hours in 5 days which is nuts, and i still have tomorrow to get through from 0900 until 2300. it's crazy, i'm not only exhausted i'm a little burnt out. at least i have a string of days off afterwards, just hope the sun is out.

it's a strange old life, one moment you are here the next you are there, one second you have a plan the next you don't, one second girl a says she loves you, the next she hates you. who can fathom it all out, not me. i just wake up and breathe and then count my blessings, one two. gotta keep it all very simple at the moment, no complexity or drama, you get to a point where it's all just life or death. somehow, some remarkable way i am still alive, waking up breathing, i'm not quite sure how i did it. did i do anything? it really is bizarre after everything. now this. 

anyways, i drag myself out of bed after no sleep, the early morning is cold, i shake of the 5am blues with coffee and a hash cookie, contemplate going to work early and just stopping at brooklyn for a coffee but instead i make one here at mission control. i get my coffee from lulu's who probably is the best coffee girl on earth, her blend is amazing, the perfect brew. at some point i have to get in the car and head south but it's still quite early. time enough for another chapter of warhammer. 

 

driving around, severe different cars, many stops and detours i finally get to where i have to be. a number of people greet me as i walk inside, it's not something i want or like, my boss is staring at me, she's always shocked by how many people know me and probably slightly intimidated. even her boss knew me in a past life and spoke very highly of me to her which she found somewhat uncomfortable. i don't ask for special treatment, i just have a reputation, in this industry. 

i sit through five hours of idiocy, mind numbingly boring childish presentations and talks, not really anything i didn't know,  there's no highlight or point of interest. the drive home takes a while due to skool traffic, i dunno, i just want to get away from these people. back home i bunker down and enjoy some evening sun. i'm tired need some time out but have to work for the next week straight. i need the money i guess and in the late afternoon i ring my bank and convince them to lower the interest rate on my loan. they do, and i calculate  i can pay of my home sooner than i thought. that's good news, right? other good news is old mission control is holding it's value. 

basking in dawns sunlight, upon the blue throne with monique, discussing the animal attraction as we watch women pass by, we wander of road and onto the rock where she takes me to a sacred place far from the crowds. it's amazing, vast rock structures reveal the geology of time, the water eating away at the earth, the strange fractal patterns and weblike indedentions. we push further south, past the basking seal, past the fishermens blues, past the turquoise ocean. it's all so magnificent, exhilerating. there we decide to go to see ranga, the mystical sri lankan alternative healer in mosman. he's a charachter. most people i know have seen him and told tales of recovery and success. we make the call and speak to a lovely lady with an personality that ooozes friendly vibes. as we have to pay a deposit i suggest i will pay using my card when i get home, monique only uses cash.
on return home i ring the surgury and the lady asks me a question, 'did you live in avalon once upon a time?'

it turns out it's an old freind iola, a really amazing lady who was quite unique and always stood out from the crowd. we chat about our lives for a while, and then she asks where i live now, she's in the blue mountains. when i tell her the coast she is amazed as she's thinking of moving up. well look me up if your in the hood, i say. we swap numbers and make a commitment to catch up. 

that's how it works, sometimes. that's the way i like it to work, chance, synchranicity and equal measures fate sometimes guide you where you need to be, i'm done fighting things that fight me. resistance is futile. i'm stronger than ever now.

the next few days i get a bit battered and beaten at work, but i take it on the chin, roll with it, it's an awful week, no time off and just one day rolling into the other with a huge work function on thursday where they will patronise us and treat us like 5 year olds. it's demoralizing but at the end of the day we are all prostitutes. 

i'm listening to a bit of leonard cohen, nick cave, some dylan, i read a huge warhammer book which is so much better than you would think, man the black library are amazing but they need to increase their print run, their books are very hard to find. i particularly like the omnibus editions, and currently the eisenhorne one is fucking mind blowing. yeah dumb cover but you know what they say about judging a book. 

eisenhorn is an imperial inquisitor, he's like a dectective with authority from high and he's on the case and chase of an occult terrorist cult. it's super fast paced, unpredictable and ingenius writing by dan abnett. 

 

later i check the appointment for ranga and it's not for another week, once again time displacement, and in that moment i understand how the shadow of this weird affliction has effected me over my life. i don't and will never use it as an excuse, it certainly will never define me, but it's part of a rich tapestry of my identity. 

  

 

i seem to sleep forever, a good deep sleep, and when i rise it's dawn.
although there are surfers out the water looks messy, so i sit in the sun on a bench and read for an hour, my skin absorbs the sunlight and heat, it's perfect and whatever nutrients the body requires from sunlight, it feels replenished.
a few people call me, checking up, it's nice of them, a few people say hello and although i'm not feeling sociable, it's appreciated. jake calls and we chat, martin calls and we chat. then after basking in the glorious morning i head back via the chemist. pay some bills and by some bread. it's all so expensive and it seems the more you work the more you have to pay. anyways what can you do. 

I'm seriously considering a trip away, melbourne perhaps, a week in the city, it's a place i always liked and there's lots to do, good bookshops, coffee, art, interesting specialties for special interests. then my mind imagines a week at the beach, catching waves down at terrible, just hanging out. it's cheaper and easier. but Melbourne has a great bagel shop. in my homer moment my brain splits in two, one bagel side fighting and arguing with the beach, bagel or beach?

driving back from hospital at 0500 the first ray of light almost penetrates the landscape, my driver points out the two new towers that engulf the towns skyline, the strange development of a dead zone, a lack of imagination and art. we head towards my place where I have a quick shower and wash of the wax from my hair, little sticky bits of monitoring pads cover my body and as I pull them away i make a little tower of my own.

10 mins later we head to the beach, the sun rising now, people out and about, it's packed so we go to the north point and park. across the road is a cafe i never liked. about 12 years ago i waited 45 mins for a coffee and swore i would never return. and today i went in, it's been totally refurbished and looks like a place that would naturally repulse me, the waitress is the most miserable lady ever. i'm indeed repulsed by the whole place but it's far from the crowds and i can have a quiet coffee free from noise.

the clouds come rolling in, rain due. it's a tiny shower and passes fast, sun returns, we head home. it's been a strange night, and i find myself crashing out for a few hours.