Tuesday, March 12, 2019

post birthday blues. ms mission takes me out for some kind of evening show with dance and oriental music, it's quite the visual treat, nice colours and interesting perspectives but my head is not really focused on the stage, what can i do? 
those pheromones she exudes have wrapped themselves around my whole being and i'm snorting them up like south american marching powder, mmm, can't get enough. later she displays an act of supreme generosity and drives me home.
it's hard to comprehend what happens next but it's the best birthday presence ever and no, it is not what you think.
i don't understand any of it, it's impossible to write about, it's an overwhelming saturation of love. i'm drowning in it. what the hell has happened?
instead of making me weak it's made me feel strong, instead of getting all nervous and insecure it's made me feel completely confident and secure. instead of anxiety and indecision i am decisive and courageous. all this knowing must have a flip side?

well it does. the present is the flip side, it's not great for me and i'm somewhat at its mercy but i guess it is what it is and i have to work through it. i do. sometimes the present kills me, completely breaks my heart in pieces but mostly it just does what it does, up and down, in and out, spin cycle, yo yo, see saw, spin me round baby like a record right round, katherine wheel.
but most of the time i just move through all that white noise and keep my eye on the star. lightspeed one whole year.
i have to be an anchor. i'm right at the ocean floor and it's deeper than i have ever been, i had no idea it was so deep. all this divine time lark is surreal for me, a kettle of fish indeed but i get it, complex situations of the heart require some sort of divinity, it's way outta my league. you all know i'm just another solider in the army of love, hutt, two three four, crying sometimes as i go, i'm just another solider in the army of love.'

so here it is, here i am, there are we, one magickal moment from station to station. 
that song plays upon my mind a lot, it's not really a love song but it defines what i feel about things in a strange way.
changes is another song that keeps popping up, that line, 'i can't change time, but time can change me.'
that's a powerful line for a man in my position. i hope time don't change me to much, i finally like me now, this version is the best one yet. handle with care divine time, i'm a sensitive man in your hands. 
so many songs do, especially the waterboys, reflect my situation, strange emotions, some sort of weird separation anxiety, some sort of fear as it feels very void like and takes me back to the void i had for 4 years after divorce. but as i explore this it's actually the opposite of a void. it's like an anti void, just a similar energy, and then finally ms mission processes it for me. look! that says it all. she says, my heart is aching because i am not with her! 
that's the truth!
she cracked my own code!
now i'm a strong emotionally sound guy, i went through a wobbly time when i had frontal lobe damage but these days i'm rock solid and have emotions down, they do not get out of control, they don't run wild and they are very consistent simple and easy to manage, especially as i have reduced them down to fear and love. and i love my fear. 
this is new, a new area i have to move in, something so new it's freaking me out a bit because i don't want to miss anyone and i don't want to have pain or longing in my heart. what would be the purpose?
what choice do i have?
i just have no choice, i just have to feel it because at the end of the day this is not about me at all. it's about something much greater. i know where this is going. it's going to be the hardest year ever. i have to face it, i have been facing it, but i think the reality just hit me on the head like a coconut deluge. 
batten down the hatches crew, we are going in.
the only thing i can do is make it slightly less painful and keep that yearning down by howling at the moon. 
it's crazy but that's exactly what i will do.
if it works for yearning wolves it will work for me.

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