am i supposed to feel better?
i don't.
all i feel is a some massive event happened and i'm drowning at the bottom of the ocean. all that separation pain just doubled, all that weird loss feels much more compounded. the present kills me slowly while the future keeps me alive.
i've never had good timing, always out by a beat. either to fast or to slow and this time both at the same time.
what's wrong with you mission?
my soul is cleaved.
my heart is aching.
there's some sort of thing inside me today that was never there before, it's something really strong and awful and i know what it is but i have to process what i do with it. i cannot keep this feeling, that's for sure.
i have to feel it without acting upon it. why did it appear? self preservation or fear? if it's fear then i fear it will win, if preservation i'm finished, my number is up. i don't even want to think about that.

lately i think about a few women whom have helped me over some dangerous times, agent stone who saved my bacon more than once, i really miss her whole safe energy, she put me to sleep every night. kept me alive, loved me unconditionally i guess. i was so careful with her, 'let's start as friends' i said while everyone of our friends was hooking up we cultivated a friendship that i have neglected. it could have gone anywhere but it was never as deep as it needed to be for it to move out of friendship. so there is her.

shelly, whom was perfect yet i managed to fuck that up totally. shelly not only helped me she did love me unconditionally even in my  greatest mistake, she loved me more than herself. wow!
yet it would have been impossible to maintain, she had her dark history and i had mine, there was no room for light only darkness. i must have that balance. with shelly i never would have found my mission. 

that lady whose name i cannot remember, the lady who said to me, 'sleep with whomever you want, i just want you to be happy,' my god! what a power those words had upon me. but we drifted, when she suggested a relationship i was long gone. 

then along came meredith whom i loved in such a strange way, she was so broken i really thought i could fix her but only ended up breaking myself. we did not have an unconditional love but it was love, not deep deep love. it was quite shallow and somewhat counter intuitive. maybe it was co dependant in a sexual way to, we met those needs perfectly yet we were never going to align due to distance, our injuries and fate. there were no goodbyes, just a conversation on the phone where we admitted to one another our heads were to fucked up to deal with anything else except healing. later she wrote to me, apologising but i was long gone.

there were lots of girls, fleeting, temporary, mistakes mostly, all meaningless and very random, i didn't understand it at all just surrendered to the situation and played along, faked it. i was so unhappy.

the vine came along and saved my ass. the high priestess was part of that, she is so much part of my trajectory, wisdom and growth and i did love her very much for all she showed me, and how she healed me through the plant medicines. 

aya was love at first sight, not unconditional, she placed conditions and i accepted them. they were my conditions as well.  everything i ever wanted from a female, a love so strong and encompassing she made a home inside my heart and mind and will be there forever. nothing can ever change that.

and then there was you. another me, so much better than i.
i read through all our e mails, so many that i kept for some strange reason and i read only a great affection, deep love and respect and the yearning that is so present in our words. we did everything except acknowledge it. around us everyone seemed to know what was happening except us. we were supposed to be the smartest people in the room but we didn't see that coming, oblivious to it all.
and then i wonder, were we? i did know something, every time i looked at your eyes they sparkled and were very alive. every time i watched you create i was filled with wonder at you, the only artist in the room. it was always you.
those e mails inform me. i can't stop reading them, and each time i do i discover something new. i was always very funny in my writing to you, slightly self depreciating, always asking to see you in a polite way, knowing you had a partner and imagining your perfect life with him and how lucky he was. always yearning yet never knowing. 
you were in my dreams, i was in yours.
i was always with the wrong girl. i was always very unhappy yet never showed it. and there was you. i loved you even then. you were the right girl. and now you are a woman, the right woman.
and my timing is out again. i'm either 9 months late or 9 months early. 9 months till the end of the year.
9 months makes perfect sense mission, think about it!
that self preservation option. it's not an option, it's such a terrible idea, the anti of everything i am, everything i believe.
i just have to slog it out, no choice, no options, except to turn it around. this feeling is just the plain fact i hurt so deeply because i am not with you. there's something really beautiful in that, i have to find it instead of thinking i can run from it, change events or wear a mask that hides it. 
the universe loves us. it knows better than me, it always does. aya loves us, it knows better than me. she always does.
i love us, the whole idea of us turns me on and tunes me in and makes me drop in to 'happy ever after, together forever,' cake with 'infinite possibility' icing. 
now that's worth waiting for.
but after that, if you ever ask me to wait for you. even 5 seconds, i will have to say, no, it's 'together forever onwards.'
i'll never be able to do this again. i don't want to. i can do it now and i will sustain it. but then you are stuck to me like siamese twin because 9 months is a a long long time but it is the right time, divine time indeed.
so like i said, nothing will ever be the same for me. you have changed me in a very profound and deep way. i don't fully understand that yet but i will, i like this new me, it is indeed the best one yet and it's getting better each day.
i see myself slightly more, a man, vulnerable and somewhat sad to be apart but i finally see the moment again. one moment i am here, one moment i may be gone. 
i see it now. it's the slow beautiful death i wanted i guess, but it also could be the slow beautiful life i wanted, it was always you. you!
do i feel better?
yes. i do.