i am reminded of the cd 'after everything now this' by the church.
it sums up everything and this.

when i saw you in the city on the night of the the you came out from the crowds in a thin veil of glamour, stepping towards me with that enticement and allure, moving with such etheric energy, almost a non human entity, clouded within a cloak of magick, two worlds plainly obvious from my perspective. 
you danced and moved with such individuality, you came at me with that flirtatious entrapment and every moment was a great passionate step into another. i saw you weave your energy around the streets, through people, into places, spinning and turning, wrapping and unwrapping, me enthralled. 
i am very battle worn, suspicious of the glam and how it operates through women and sexuality, suspicious of my own nature and defensive against anything that may not be fully conscious from the maya. i also know my weaknesses, and you were embodiment of it that night.
protection was necessary from myself and from you. your eyes had the sparkle of a deceptive nature, promising one thing and offering another. i was curious and beguiled by you but also in rapture. protection was necessary  for you presented as everything i could love or would destroy me, elemental in essence, thrown from the glam straight into my path, a trick or trap. 
little did i know. 
destiny must have been laughing at me at that point as i floundered in my unknowing and bewilderment.
as i watched you speak and move with me, you became almost like me. i showed you my favorite painting, something i have never done before to anyone. i spend a lot of time with that painting, often on my own and often when the bar is empty. why would i show that painting to you? 
because it is me and i wanted you to see me.
is that authentic or weird? i have no idea, it's all without agenda, unfolding from our future selves, all i can do is appreciate the awesome design and implementation for it is beautiful when i think about it.
we walked down through raindrops that didn't seem to fall but offer random trajectories, you still casting enchantment effortlessly, it poured out into the watery evening, and i kept myself detached as my processes attempted to figure out what this energy was and why it was presenting itself to me like this. 
we ate some food down by the water, in a crowded place we made our space. picking at olives and various cheeses and again my defenses up. it was the first time i wondered what had sent you?
i had, it was your birthday gift and i wanted to show you how much i appreciated all the work you did for me in the past.
i'd no memory of you like this though, a different woman.
the music was a nice interlude, i still found myself completely pulled in two directions, the stage and towards your exuberance as you danced and gave yourself. i felt like i was in some medieval torture, yet this was inner, deeper, paradoxical. pulled in two directions violently.
we had our moment in a cafe, the avatar manifested and said something to you about me, it happens a lot but i don't understand why. i knew then i would have run back under pretext of trains and times, and process what had happened. that wasn't as smooth and simple as i thought for all i could really do was send you the the songs and later i see what songs they were, like:
gravitate to me
beyond love 
uncertain emotions
and i was not sure why but something certainly was and now that certainty is crystal clear.
the rest is history, or future history. 

  

oh yeah the new invisible me is kinda okay, he's lighter, agile and has a vital tantric energy cruising through his centre generating strange spirals and fields. i've noticed other subtle changes, diet reduced to the bare minimum, hair growth increased, bone density changes as they become stronger, sleep reduction, mental dexterity and clarity, a certain frission when i think of you. 
there are other events occurring simultaneously but i have to keep one step in front of the other, no jumping ahead of myself. it's a discipline. on a need to know basis, mmm, i like that whole concept although i never hide anything i do not need an explanation, for i guarantee you  our catastrophes and triumphs are the same path, obviously directly into a collision with one another. 
'it's all happened,' as they say on my home planet to which the correct response is, 'destiny knows where it is going.'
so here i am, a new kinda me, same as the old one only updated wetware, my systems are fully operational and assist in maintenance of themselves and my soul. i'm staying far away from madness, ego bullshit and personality defects, the glam has no power over me and my fate is like that schrodingers jazz cat, waiting for the observer.
in the meantime i gotta let my hair down and play.  

must thank the wonderful day especially sue whom has flown in for a quick visit and takes me out on the ferry for lunch to the wonderful doyles at watsons bay. what great company, what great conversation and equally matching views as we walk along the pathways and lanes. 
i've known her for many years and she is a wonderful awake individual and has always been very kind to me. her and her husband are my friends and i am grateful to have them both in my life.

i no longer exist, i am not here, vanished man. an invisibility spell contains my spectrum, there is no way an observer can determine presence or state.
i move through the masses, in cities and towns, no one will notice that i am around, no one will see me as i dance and groove to my own beat, leaving no trails no clues nothing old nothing new, i am an invisible man.

i no longer am who i was, everything has changed now, everything. i am different, changed fundamentally. the forces that protect me will steer me onto new paths and new experiences until i get to catch that ferry.
  

  

man it felt good to spill the beans, they just poured out, all of it, everything. nothing could be contained anymore, it was tidal, emotional and true. must be the first time i have ever been so raw and honest about my soul to you and i felt so accepted. that's new!
you were amazing man, always were, but yesterday you showed me something so fucking beautiful and i am so grateful you listened, you acknowledged, you understood and you loved me. it was restoration, i felt your love, it was healing. all those conversations we had years ago about memes, about the glamour, you were listening to me!  
the yoga man, follow the yoga, true yoga not the body stuff. it's going to bring you more riches than you will ever find in the city of illusions. keep your feet in both worlds just like she is doing but know one is real the other unreal. one will suck your life from you the other will replenish. the world is upside down and inside out, everything we think is right is wrong and all we have been chasing is a false kingdom built on no foundation other than money, blood and bones, every moment it gives you something it attaches a karmic debt. eat a chocolate it's the slave trade, buy a shirt it's the fashion industry and the war on women, fill a script it's the pharmaceutical. a line of coke is probably the death of 100 mexicans trapped in an war of brutality and death. there is no escape no matter how smart we think we are, the glamour has us enthralled. it's memetic now, in our heads, in our belief systems, in our minds like seeds sprouting bad ideas and lies. i know you know this because you feel it in your spirit just like i do. you be true to what is true jake at all costs. i love you, you are my beauty in the world. 
i cast my mind to my friend justine who was killed in america by a policeman whom she called to assist her, justine was the lightworker to end all lightworkers, she was one of the most brilliant women. her first words to me were, 'your either a genius or from another space time.'
we became friends when i replied, 'both.'
she asked me to write her book reviews for her bookshop which i did for many years, she was always there, always in her quest for true love, spiritual meaning and when i told her about mine she smiled in that way only the enlightened could. justine was enlightened, she was grace on earth and her death effected thousands of people cross continents. in the usa there were vigils, marches and protests, in sydney we just mourned but i knew that this was her mission. she was love itself and she was the one person that could unite so many in her shining truth. it was tragic but her soul purpose upon earth was this, to show us all how to live better lives and be true to our hearts. wow, i miss her now, she would be so cool to talk to, a true  noble soul.

okay the week shifts again, plans change, my only day off is wiped out as people fly into sydney to visit me, so i have to go into the city tomorrow when all i really want to do is stay home but these are special friends and i need to make the effort. 
i have neglected those that love me for so 5 years so i guess now is the time to reconnect with them, accept them again. i banished everyone from my life in tim's wake, every single person i knew couldn't fill that loss yet they all hung in there wanting me back. i just couldn't face it, anything that took me back there. the one thing about me is i very rarely go backwards, but maybe now that's what i have to do, see the people i left behind. let them see me now. i made such a vast space for you it seems like it's gone now and being filled with distractions i need to explore lest i become stagnant and immobile and devoid of choices so lookout world it's the return of the king without a queen without a kingdom without a crown without within. 
what does this king have.
a text message every day that you are on track to the other thing i have... 
...a vision of a ferry ride off the italian amalfi coastline, leaving sorrento to capri and seeing you seeing me, and then we both know everything we need to know. 
it will be like the da vinci code but much better written, much more multi dimensional, complex, more cosmic in scope, a romantic comedy for the new ages, completely unbelievable and filled with magick.
i am good, i am stronger, i'm better than ever now. my weakness is  my strength, my darkness is my light, my heart is true and my path divine. i am all.   

full moon with you, such a beautiful night, all perfect really, and then as usual some weird energy from the glamour intervenes and throws us both. right when i'm consolidated. i don't understand that stuff, it's bad voodoo in my book and i take it personally.
you want war, i want peace, you want hate i want love, you want to attack me with insanity i want to reflect sanity back, that's the glamour and me. it's human history, all wars are based around it, all suffering and all misery. read the cultures classics, the vedas, the greeks, the scriptures, all love thwarted by dimensions we can't even begin to fathom. i know them, i seen them work down on a real earth level, in human suffering and control. the biggest crimes are against the innocent and i am innocent in all of this, yeah i am. 
i'm sucked into some bad karma, it's wounded me deeply. it's broken me somewhat.
i haul my ass up again, swim against the tide as usual, relinquish all to take the right action, the action i was doing anyway. i seem to be on a loosing streak, not sure what you are saying one moment to the next, it's like sudden bipolar reality, say one thing do another, do one thing say another. what am i to do but let it all go and trust you. is that madness? i think it might be but don't want to risk not doing, madness is probably just what i need right now, madness i can fight against. there is no love here at the moment, i don't feel loved at all, in fact i just feel despised by everyone in this. i'll be the villain then. even you can suspect me of something. test me test me test me, i will not fail unless you chose that i have.  

the voyage began on a single scene

the winds howl and we are knelling

upon the surface of a heathen sea

i just ask you how are you feeling

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

know your sadder than an cast in iron

feeling sick and kinda uncertain

dare to take another look

what lies behind the curtain

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

i gotta loose sometimes

you gotta choose sometimes

i gotta loose sometimes

the ship it sinks without a trace

home to the fish and the octopi

a wreckage on the ocean floor

lost to time and i don't know why

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

  

in a moment that never ends
one step away from heaven
caught between the endless tides
opportunity resides,
and should i fall to your test
the universe come asunder
could it ever forgive us
such a galactic blunder.
i am the cosmic vibration within the ether 
you are the flutter in my expansive heart,
we are the first captains of creation
both masters of our magick arts

so union is determined, 
not by you or i my friend
but by the simple facts declared
that we are divinely paired
and should i fail your challenge
all existence shed a tear
deluge will rise again to flood the lands
and so i make intention clear.
my love is real and true and will hold
the integrity of us
and all you have to do sweetheart
is believe and trust.

we speak, time seems to slow down and speed up, how do we do that?
usually i just listen but today i felt we had equal time, you always repeat the plan as though i never really get it but i like that, i guess it reminds me there is a process, it does change often and at your command so i feel like i am in the wind but this morning was great, balanced and quite lovely considering the situation.
your situation is complex, i understand it clearly and can only love you more for how you are handling it. it confirms everything for me, you are quite magnificent in your integrity. how could i love anyone without that element? it really is beautiful and that is you.
me, i move from moment to moment, travel by thought, do what ever i have to which is not that much really, one step at a time. 
i love the position you are in past, present and future all co existing in the same time, it's unique and absurd, and real. a challenge like this could only present itself to an exceptional individual, and that would be the only woman i could possibly love. it's all in the heart. yet how am i to face the upcoming few days, fuck, where will i draw that strength from and do i have it within me...it's so fucked up i just have to face it. no choice for me there which proves your theory about choice wrong. 

i'm the medicine man, home delivery service for the witches in recovery, for the witches cat's and birds, for the witches of the suburbs. hunted by greedy landlords, harassed by the glamour and it's carnivorous nature, the profiteers and power crazed control freaks in dark tinted window cars that stretch into tomorrow to steal for today, the energy eaters, crowd pleasers, the vampyric lords of the estate and the enemies of love and life.
surrounded by ravens she pours me a drink, bubbles, steam and very deep red, i wonder at it's nature and what information it holds. i've brought a friend along, he's in a wheelchair and looks happy at the birds, who come sit upon our heads and shoulders. we are bird men now brother, maybe i am just a bird brain.
the raven is a black eyed messenger who whispers in my ears, tells secrets and codes of origin and destination. feathered messenger, harbinger, oracle. my friend is playing with another big black bird, it sits at his lap and he leers down into it's big black eye sharing a knowing. i can see the information exchange, deep stuff indeed.
the drink is vital and necessary an elixir, it tastes of martian lakes, oceans maybe before the destruction. it's life potential, i gulp it down fast.
she shows me a series of photographs, they all look innocent enough but as i look again from a different angle they take on a more sinister look. these have my attention they are quite amazingly effective and disturbing. the series of photographs seem old but are more frightening than any modern horror movie, wow, i'm spooked.
the house is filled with witchcraft paraphernalia and ravens everywhere. i sit back down and enjoy conversation with my friend, we both have birds nesting in our heads.
the witch potters around and takes some photographs, it's good to see her, she looks healthy and happy. she tells me about her plan which is really interesting and i have to say quite innovative. 
later when we leave it is difficult, i feel quite comfortable here in her home, it reminds me of my gothic tastes and ambience. even my friend does not want to leave. he says good bye to the birds and my friend and we shuffle down the steps to our van. 
      

in cosmic war the implications are galactic, spiritual warfare effects only humanity, it is a battle of wills whereas cosmic warfare is the battle of forces we know as god, heaven is coming, hang on tight, heaven is here, it  already resides within but it's all perspective. the manipulation of ego occurs on multi dimensional levels, and the light becomes the dark, dark becomes light, nothing is what it seems, the only aspect one can rely upon is the intuitive knowledge that fear is the enemy, fear is the mind killer. there is no defensive position, this is a false concept for defense is attack.
one must loose total fear of fear and then one can live or die free. 
i have to force myself through this process, it's easy now i have lost it all. nothing to fight for, nothing to hold on to, nothing to let go off.
but then there's you.
consider this for a moment, i share this only out of love, not control not power and certainly not ego state, i am where i am, way ahead of the pack. i am divine time, it's why i can't function in time, it's why i am always a beat behind or ahead, but in divine time i am without even knowing it, until the early hours this morning. everything plays out perfectly as is, only ego makes it complex.
this is the moment, your choronzon. a manifestation of your last ego state playing out to stop your liberation. i told you it would come, i told you it was ahead and it would have to be faced alone. you were correct, there is only choices, i know that right or wrong do not exist here. i know that the war operates on many levels, only a mind like ours could know this.
you must be ready else it would not play out yet, so believe in yourself as much as i do, believe in me as much as i do, believe in the universal intelligence and use our power to defeat what must be defeated. i am not the enemy, i am only liberation. this is just the truth. and the truth sets us free.

  

stormy roads, the heavy rain is challenging but driving requires discipline and prepares me for my training when i arrive. my body is changing rapidly, muscles becoming stronger and my power core throbs with latent energy. most of the time i train it's almost supplementary to whatever else i am doing, if i find myself with hands free i do some quick moves, it's all in transference of energy. i'm chatting on the phone, my hands are moving spheres around the room, it's powerful to see, quite amazing how quickly it all returned to me, despite the various broken bones, blockages and fucked up lifestyles. my left side is weak, that arm needs some bone strengthening and i am cast back to the bone breathing days in newport with iggy, amazing we did that independently of one another and only discovered we both used this technique by coincidence  same with the conversion of light into nutrition, groovy times although never again will i step into a sauna with you brother.
i can shoot spheres of light tonight, they leave my hands and shoot right across the room. i have to perfect this so i can test it but it feels fantastic. 
i'm moving better now, body less sluggish and more elegant, graceful again, like a dancer. i am in a flow, i am in flow, i am flow, let's flow. this is actually a very strong sexual energy, i can feel it flooding out now, spilling into my aura, through my blood and power centres, i'm hyped up on the erotic impulse engine. it's all tantric  energy being released, i'm just transubstantiating it, cos i'm good like that.

listen!
these last weeks have been seriously weird, and now i understand why. cause and effect, defence and reaction, i thought it was spiritual war but the cosmic war has started and we are all being pushed to new positions, and the best action for me is to take my place at my throne. dramatic shifts have occurred already, it's all speeding up to high stake velocity. the usual players make their moves, ego creates new consciousness, a false one. the false army moves in ignorance, it assumes it's positions are correct, actions fail dramatically as the effect is the cause. 
in cosmic war, electrical storms manifest over cities, ions charged with ambiguous motive, the taste of it's energy dances upon the tongues of the talkers and speakers while the poets burn words to power. yeah baby, words are the swords, and the king wields the flaming truth of certainty. 
my mind is so sharp now, i understand it all, see the fractal for what it is, trapped by duty and limitation, by misdirection and lack of clarity. good intentions line the road to hell, i walk across the bones of the dead who lay dust beneath my feet, thinking they were something when they were not. my duty is to liberation of the people i love, nothing else matters. my kingdom is my queen, and it must be safe and sound. only the royal union can win the war, consecration points through the multiverse, vibrational healing in love ritual divine. the planet will be saved through the orgasm of light, sacred semen and halo spiral of living sensual directed yoni waves.
soldiers of hate i command you to cease, yield where you stand and return as free, for if you choose ego consciousness you are already dead, already dead, already dead.

in the world of mirrors and reflections all is infinite to the point it becomes invisible, only the truth can understand the big picture, it see's the frame. she / he whom stares into the abyss must be careful the abyss does not stare into him / her.

i fell right in didn't i, stupid fucking mission, all content, alone in his post pan years, then whoosh in an abyss of ambiguity and uncertainty, not even in an ocean but under it sinking at the depths with the giant spider crabs, fang tooth fish and vampire squid, oh hi vampire squid my old friend. we are the strangest fish in the ocean are we not? it seems appropriate we all find ourself down here. at least you guys are not drowning.

i need a blood transfusion, a new role, some hard drugs and heavy hard core energy, i need a fix, a solution to this jonesing, longing and fucking torment, i need to seek solace somewhere, sanctuary a safe place to breath again and fall asleep for 1000's of years where my dreams will keep me safe from this dumb heart, stupid stupid heart, that feels far to fucking much, a useless mass of churning gunky blood and chambers that are bigger on the inside than from the out. my own tardis is exploding, imploding, spanning space trapped in amber like an old bug in a tree.
is it worth it?
is she worth it?
oh my god people, she is so worth it, so very worth it i can't tell you how much worth this woman has, it pours out from her fingertips, drips from her hands and radiates from her heart. i've known love and women all my life but nothing comes close to ms mission, she's fucking amazing and everyday i am more amazed. more amazed at her in ways i can't explain, her beauty is so profoundly entrenched with intelligence it is glorious to behold. she walks in the world a free spirit, a true wonder and change agent just by being. and all i can do is witness it from afar, hold space and hope she falls and i can catch her.
so despite heavy heart my trajectory is set, my brilliant fate sealed, my will is true and my alignment sanctified by the universe itself. 
to infinity and beyond. love captain mission

how do i compare thee 
to a flower, bird or bee?
there is no comparison my love
you are all to me.
how do i know what's true
this love could be a trick
but the universe informs us 
with it's coconuts and bricks.
when will this yearning ever cease
i think i will see the light
when we close our eyes in sleep and 
hold each other tight
and in our silent fellowship
all suffering will cease
my heart will feel complete
and we will know eternal peace
  

the right side of love

my space ship is a black obsidian marvel, shaped like a spiritual shard penetrating the darkest space between matter, it's powered by the erotic drive engines of tantric pulsation, it moves in all dimensions, and through time itself, it has no agenda, no mission only the will of my own subconscious. even i don't know where i am going. it takes me there five steps ahead of myself, and i am always following a trail of clues that i understand when i get five steps ahead of myself.

i am here, destination, a station at the crossroads. i'm here ahead of you, i apologise but it has to be this way. only for now until you arrive.

sleep baby sleep, loose yourself in deep dreams and delta landscapes where architectures change and morph into vistas of creative potential, find me, find me for i am also lost in this strange area, slightly here slightly not, overwhelmed by it's narcosis (although not accurate a word, it will do )and underwhelmed by it's clocks that now tick tock away in the ever present prison of the present. 

never have clocks ruled me, never has time held me, and now i am in confinement. 

yearning and learning, suffering but surviving. 

i mean it's not that bad mission, people suffer much worse than your self indulgent sufferance. 

yes yes, it's all true but can i not be a little selfish in love?

no mission, you cannot.

are you my higher self?

no i am yourself.

all these years i thought i was not myself.

you are now.

am i supposed to feel better?
i don't.
all i feel is a some massive event happened and i'm drowning at the bottom of the ocean. all that separation pain just doubled, all that weird loss feels much more compounded. the present kills me slowly while the future keeps me alive.
i've never had good timing, always out by a beat. either to fast or to slow and this time both at the same time.
what's wrong with you mission?
my soul is cleaved.
my heart is aching.
there's some sort of thing inside me today that was never there before, it's something really strong and awful and i know what it is but i have to process what i do with it. i cannot keep this feeling, that's for sure.
i have to feel it without acting upon it. why did it appear? self preservation or fear? if it's fear then i fear it will win, if preservation i'm finished, my number is up. i don't even want to think about that.

lately i think about a few women whom have helped me over some dangerous times, agent stone who saved my bacon more than once, i really miss her whole safe energy, she put me to sleep every night. kept me alive, loved me unconditionally i guess. i was so careful with her, 'let's start as friends' i said while everyone of our friends was hooking up we cultivated a friendship that i have neglected. it could have gone anywhere but it was never as deep as it needed to be for it to move out of friendship. so there is her.

shelly, whom was perfect yet i managed to fuck that up totally. shelly not only helped me she did love me unconditionally even in my  greatest mistake, she loved me more than herself. wow!
yet it would have been impossible to maintain, she had her dark history and i had mine, there was no room for light only darkness. i must have that balance. with shelly i never would have found my mission. 

that lady whose name i cannot remember, the lady who said to me, 'sleep with whomever you want, i just want you to be happy,' my god! what a power those words had upon me. but we drifted, when she suggested a relationship i was long gone. 

then along came meredith whom i loved in such a strange way, she was so broken i really thought i could fix her but only ended up breaking myself. we did not have an unconditional love but it was love, not deep deep love. it was quite shallow and somewhat counter intuitive. maybe it was co dependant in a sexual way to, we met those needs perfectly yet we were never going to align due to distance, our injuries and fate. there were no goodbyes, just a conversation on the phone where we admitted to one another our heads were to fucked up to deal with anything else except healing. later she wrote to me, apologising but i was long gone.

there were lots of girls, fleeting, temporary, mistakes mostly, all meaningless and very random, i didn't understand it at all just surrendered to the situation and played along, faked it. i was so unhappy.

the vine came along and saved my ass. the high priestess was part of that, she is so much part of my trajectory, wisdom and growth and i did love her very much for all she showed me, and how she healed me through the plant medicines. 

aya was love at first sight, not unconditional, she placed conditions and i accepted them. they were my conditions as well.  everything i ever wanted from a female, a love so strong and encompassing she made a home inside my heart and mind and will be there forever. nothing can ever change that.

and then there was you. another me, so much better than i.
i read through all our e mails, so many that i kept for some strange reason and i read only a great affection, deep love and respect and the yearning that is so present in our words. we did everything except acknowledge it. around us everyone seemed to know what was happening except us. we were supposed to be the smartest people in the room but we didn't see that coming, oblivious to it all.
and then i wonder, were we? i did know something, every time i looked at your eyes they sparkled and were very alive. every time i watched you create i was filled with wonder at you, the only artist in the room. it was always you.
those e mails inform me. i can't stop reading them, and each time i do i discover something new. i was always very funny in my writing to you, slightly self depreciating, always asking to see you in a polite way, knowing you had a partner and imagining your perfect life with him and how lucky he was. always yearning yet never knowing. 
you were in my dreams, i was in yours.
i was always with the wrong girl. i was always very unhappy yet never showed it. and there was you. i loved you even then. you were the right girl. and now you are a woman, the right woman.
and my timing is out again. i'm either 9 months late or 9 months early. 9 months till the end of the year.
9 months makes perfect sense mission, think about it!
that self preservation option. it's not an option, it's such a terrible idea, the anti of everything i am, everything i believe.
i just have to slog it out, no choice, no options, except to turn it around. this feeling is just the plain fact i hurt so deeply because i am not with you. there's something really beautiful in that, i have to find it instead of thinking i can run from it, change events or wear a mask that hides it. 
the universe loves us. it knows better than me, it always does. aya loves us, it knows better than me. she always does.
i love us, the whole idea of us turns me on and tunes me in and makes me drop in to 'happy ever after, together forever,' cake with 'infinite possibility' icing. 
now that's worth waiting for.
but after that, if you ever ask me to wait for you. even 5 seconds, i will have to say, no, it's 'together forever onwards.'
i'll never be able to do this again. i don't want to. i can do it now and i will sustain it. but then you are stuck to me like siamese twin because 9 months is a a long long time but it is the right time, divine time indeed.
so like i said, nothing will ever be the same for me. you have changed me in a very profound and deep way. i don't fully understand that yet but i will, i like this new me, it is indeed the best one yet and it's getting better each day.
i see myself slightly more, a man, vulnerable and somewhat sad to be apart but i finally see the moment again. one moment i am here, one moment i may be gone. 
i see it now. it's the slow beautiful death i wanted i guess, but it also could be the slow beautiful life i wanted, it was always you. you!
do i feel better?
yes. i do.

post birthday blues. ms mission takes me out for some kind of evening show with dance and oriental music, it's quite the visual treat, nice colours and interesting perspectives but my head is not really focused on the stage, what can i do? 
those pheromones she exudes have wrapped themselves around my whole being and i'm snorting them up like south american marching powder, mmm, can't get enough. later she displays an act of supreme generosity and drives me home.
it's hard to comprehend what happens next but it's the best birthday presence ever and no, it is not what you think.
i don't understand any of it, it's impossible to write about, it's an overwhelming saturation of love. i'm drowning in it. what the hell has happened?
instead of making me weak it's made me feel strong, instead of getting all nervous and insecure it's made me feel completely confident and secure. instead of anxiety and indecision i am decisive and courageous. all this knowing must have a flip side?

well it does. the present is the flip side, it's not great for me and i'm somewhat at its mercy but i guess it is what it is and i have to work through it. i do. sometimes the present kills me, completely breaks my heart in pieces but mostly it just does what it does, up and down, in and out, spin cycle, yo yo, see saw, spin me round baby like a record right round, katherine wheel.
but most of the time i just move through all that white noise and keep my eye on the star. lightspeed one whole year.
i have to be an anchor. i'm right at the ocean floor and it's deeper than i have ever been, i had no idea it was so deep. all this divine time lark is surreal for me, a kettle of fish indeed but i get it, complex situations of the heart require some sort of divinity, it's way outta my league. you all know i'm just another solider in the army of love, hutt, two three four, crying sometimes as i go, i'm just another solider in the army of love.'

so here it is, here i am, there are we, one magickal moment from station to station. 
that song plays upon my mind a lot, it's not really a love song but it defines what i feel about things in a strange way.
changes is another song that keeps popping up, that line, 'i can't change time, but time can change me.'
wow!
that's a powerful line for a man in my position. i hope time don't change me to much, i finally like me now, this version is the best one yet. handle with care divine time, i'm a sensitive man in your hands. 
so many songs do, especially the waterboys, reflect my situation, strange emotions, some sort of weird separation anxiety, some sort of fear as it feels very void like and takes me back to the void i had for 4 years after divorce. but as i explore this it's actually the opposite of a void. it's like an anti void, just a similar energy, and then finally ms mission processes it for me. look! that says it all. she says, my heart is aching because i am not with her! 
that's the truth!
she cracked my own code!
now i'm a strong emotionally sound guy, i went through a wobbly time when i had frontal lobe damage but these days i'm rock solid and have emotions down, they do not get out of control, they don't run wild and they are very consistent simple and easy to manage, especially as i have reduced them down to fear and love. and i love my fear. 
this is new, a new area i have to move in, something so new it's freaking me out a bit because i don't want to miss anyone and i don't want to have pain or longing in my heart. what would be the purpose?
what choice do i have?
i just have no choice, i just have to feel it because at the end of the day this is not about me at all. it's about something much greater. i know where this is going. it's going to be the hardest year ever. i have to face it, i have been facing it, but i think the reality just hit me on the head like a coconut deluge. 
batten down the hatches crew, we are going in.
the only thing i can do is make it slightly less painful and keep that yearning down by howling at the moon. 
it's crazy but that's exactly what i will do.
if it works for yearning wolves it will work for me.

man, what a woman!

unexpectedly i speak with my old friend caroline whom i knew when i was a teenager aged around 16 in london. 
she and i used to meet at her family home up on the hill at around 10pm and stay up all night smoking weed, listening to church records and the soft boys. we would drink sparkling mineral water and eat phileas fogg corn chips and laugh quite a lot at the world through our artists eyes. 
we remind one another two stories from that time, the first is my memory of a dinner party we attended that was hosted by an actress and her actor partner. 
caroline drove across the city into an areas we had never been, filled with massive housing estates and typical oppressive architecture under a grey sky the days before gps and we became hopelessly lost. 
we arrived very late and were greeted with hostility for about an hour. it was my first time meeting these people so i remained detached but i could tell we had catastrophically ruined their evening. apology after apology but still the wine was served with indifference  plates slammed down before us and cold looks exchanged. awkward indeed.
the truth of the matter came to light when the couple revealed they were just acting and we all laughed hysterically at their effective pantomime.
after dinner we all played charades and i recall feeling really joyous about the whole event.
the other memory is caroline's and she told me about how we went to see 'a normal heart' at the theatre in the west end. the play was during the first year of the aids epidemic and hysteria was sweeping through the planet, it really was a dark weird time. the performance was so powerful it had us both gripped and if you have never seen it, i urge you to for sheer drama and impact. if stage cannot shock and provoke, then what can it do? we came out and apparently i said to caroline, 'that's it for me, the next person who falls in love with me, i will marry.'
and i did. 
she said she always found that amazing.
we exchange many pleasantries about a long dead past life, but she is very generous in her appraisal of me and reminds me of something i didn't really know, a consistency that exists, that the me i seek has always been there. that's a reassurance i most definitely require in turbulent years. i know who i am, just occasionally it's better to remember who i am not. it's always people who do not know me that get sucked into my event horizon, i guess it's why the poets get me and i am lost to the rest. i'm not a black hole, not a dark energy, not anything even close. i am all.  

early surf, early sun saturating vision, it's all just a white out down there, glistening elements sparkle in your slow time and all the wave pattern match my mind, huge powerful and perfectly formed arcs within chaos. precision engineering, i slide out into the deep zones, i cut through the crash, i dive under and out and up and around, like a friendly dolphin looking for a friend.
the fin is somewhat battered from wear but it still works and it offers me everything i require to set up boosting mechanisms, power floods my energy centres, and i activate outwards in spiral galactic whirls, i catch them sometimes when i am not looking, colours, purple, red, blue, green and white and the non spectrum energy that pours from me like honey, let's make that waves, all spinning in their strange trajectories, all outwards in my chosen trajectory.
over the sleepy towns they travel, over bushland, rivers, homes, quarries, oyster farms and the to the great emerald city where tin men and fearful lions, straw creatures need it. free energy, it's all just a state of mind. 
later i smoke some very powerful medicines with some ghosts i conjured up. one reminds me who i was, thanks.
the other reminds me who i am. thank you. 
the other reminds me what i am becoming. thank you very much.
but shouldn't you do this around xmas time, i suggest?
they laugh, no man, it's already yesterday.
i gaze out at avalon, across the water and find i am alone again.

the cemetery gates close, 
the skeleton people dance
the skull fuck king drinks his wine and
locates the last chance
it was not just hidden in his head
the secret penetration
neither written in the stars or sands
but present in all creation
rejoice, reclaim, reborn again
the cries of the dead
resound out into the prism of night
and will be heard as laughter instead.

seek fortune in the distant lands, the distance will endure

the brave parameters of love and death open and close doors

in i came like nova blaze a shooting star of flame

and there she was in glory and i had to look again

for no longer was this being travelling in her flight

she had arrived and transformed herself into the brightest light

now the certain truth of time will tick and tock the moment away

but what tomorrow brings the heart one can never really say

for it is mystery and occulted by the very veils of the unknown

and the answers for those who seek them, are only found when home.

moving in and out of the soft focus, the cupid hit and arrow straight and true pierced me like nothing i could ever imagine, i was wounded very badly and also at the same time saved. 
outcomes unknown, it goes from the ticking to the tocking and despite the madness that lays inside the walls of that sound comes a calm certainty deep within. however complacency would be foolish, running on fumes one can never allow oneself to think the hard yards are over, they are ahead, stitched into the fabric of time that cleaves us.
so i surf, do my martial art, use my inner resources and prepare for warfare. mentally i am sharper than ever, focused on the moment and my visions, bringing everything into alignment while doing nothing at all.
i write my stuff, catch the waves, feed the fish and watch the birds, care for the garden and grow my hair.
it ain't easy at all, not like i thought, that yearning just gets stronger and more intense. and therefore it all just becomes an intense experience. it's my own fault, heart magick is turbo voodoo mission. 
we are everywhere. which makes you my all.
I AM ALL!
and now you are.

i don't have big plans actually, mine are just contained in writing, liberation and beauty. they sound big sometimes but i work in the shadows, under radars and way out of the spotlight.   

the beauty will do the work without any agenda, i can't get caught up in drives of ambition, illusions of grandeur or messages from the white noise. it holds no information for me, only interference patterns.
pushed deeper i discover a clue, it was horrific and somewhat brutal  but i found buried treasure. the results matter so i must balance the experience upon the scales of justice and comprehend the truth of it. 
I AM ALL 

everybody wants free money but i will bake you a success cake.

first set out make a bliss cake, be at a space time point where your heart is filled with love and positive vibrations, half way through the person you adore will freak you out completely via a message or telephone conversation and change your energy into a state of fear which transfers into the process thus mutating the bliss cake into freak out cake. 
keep all ingredients as simple as possible as this is a recipe light, intent heavy cake. 

when your true love arrives, offer her a slice. if you are feeling brave take a small bite so the experience is shared.

effects occur in sequence 12 hours after consumption. therefore, you will experience a mighty bliss first, in a state of heightened ecstatic joy unlike any ever before, and when you least expect it, defences are all down the freak out point intersects and results in causing chaotic waves within the fabric of your reality. 

note on the freak out:
the freak out will be from an unpredicatble source, at a high velocity  it will shatter the day into fragments of unimaginable pain and consequences but it will be no ones fault. effects will last an inconceivably long time.

as a countermeasure to the freak out component a simple spell can be cast that will then transform it's molecular structure. place your hands in your loved one's hands and make a quick 'intention intervention' spell casting for success, thus the cake is now a success cake. 
consume quickly to temper the effects of the freak out.

disembodied blues, can't seem to smoke my wine or drown my sorrows,
only ten million tears left until tomorrows morning comes. she took the puppies, put down the kittens, left me here in my mittens with thoughts to deep for fears and yesterday i felt the ground sinking and i took to drinking, just to defy the anti gravity of all that energy we generated. so i played mwp, singing 'lullaby to the lonely' and pushed myself to the brink, such a sad place out in deep space, i never came back down again.
can't you feel yourself falling apart?

extraordinary dawn, surf into the sun, yoga of the spirit. energy centres beaming, radiating at high velocity frequency, activated and   ready for anything. i do my sun salutations drenched in the light.
all is perfect in these moments, hallowed space spills over into everything now, i'm everywhere i possibly could be, an energy, a true will, a true love and free. 
later my father and i discuss atlantis, we speculate upon the history of man being in constant flux.
i tell him i have a freind coming to stay and he asks, 'girlfriend?'
'kind of, maybe something quite more significant?'
is she nice?'
i tell him she is like the trip i took from sorrento to capri, and he smiles. he knows.
now i have time, now i can bake. 

they say all beauty begins 
within the observers eye
but my loves beauty is not 
restricted by mere sight
my love has extraordinary qualities
a heart made from pure light
atomic structures that radiate 
such luminescent bright.
for she is goddess 
in stature and pure grace
and when i gaze upon her i float right up 
to the moon in space
all that swoons and all that sings and all that falls away
this gravity is real to me but still i hear her say,
time is the key, time and time again
where i listen and wait
for my one true love and friend.