obviously i understand people will read this, why do i write so honestly about my personal life and family you may ask. because i don't ever want to forget this, i had blanked my whole past from memory, wiped it out as soon as i could, possibly the truth behind my numerous head injuries, i left my mothers madness though at the time i had no idea she was mentally ill. it's all come back now, i could fill those pages with what it was like here as a child but there's no point in the past, just what occurs now. i want to remember this so that next time i consider visiting i will look back and remember why i should not.
i'm so shocked at the behaviour that i am experience it's disturbing and terrifying.

mum will ask martin everyday, if he has any washing, she will do it for him.
at home in australia i wash my stuff in my bath as i don't have a machine, i do it by hand. i asked if i could wash my clothes as i was caught out in the rain and they are soaking wet, to which i was told no. her reason is that it won't dry, yet martins will.

my brother has a massive room, he is living here at the moment while he sorts his flat out, it has an en suite and looks like something out of a english hotel guidebook, he's been living here for three weeks. my room is a tiny space with a bed that is to short for me so i have to sleep with my feet halfway out. no big deals, i'm adaptable and not complaining here, just looking at the situation, none of this means anything to me anymore, i'm just experiencing an experience that's imprinting heavily on me in a negative way.

my brother is always asked 'what would you like for dinner?' i have never been asked.
therefore i eat what my brother likes.

the house is filled with photographs of martin, not one of me.

every time my dad or mum goes out they ask martin if he needs anything or would he like to go with them, i never get asked.

anytime i attempt to speak to someone i am ignored or snubbed, interrupted or ridiculed and usually always compared to my brother.

i am constantly reminded how much the trip we are taking has cost them. jesus it's cost me a fortune that i put on my card, plus dead rent, dead bills and more important the time i am wasting here. or am i?

i am constantly having my mum wake me or yell from downstairs.

basically her voice fills whatever silence there is, it cuts through everything, when there is silence as the tvs are on loud, theres one in almost every room except mine. and what ever chance she gets to say something negative about me in front of jake she does. this is always re- enforced by martin. who has basically turned into a complete stranger to me.

i help, i move stuff around, i do the dishes and clean the floors, yet no one acknowledges that, not that i seek it but it would be remarkably normal to have some one just say 'thanks' instead i get told i'm using to much detergent or i placed a plate in the wrong shelve.

come on mission be honest, i hate this and i'm beginning to feel very sorry for these people who live in so much fear that behave like this, it's not even human to me, it's ugly and fucking destructive and the perfect example of everything i loath about people. my family gloat and take pleasure in making me unhappy. how can i even feel guilty about this? it's just sad.

as an experience i guess it's time for me to wake up and acknowledge this aspect of my history and life, so i need to be careful in determining if this is something that is bad or necessary to learn, although instinctively and intuitively i feel it's fucked up and bullshit that a man like me has to spend time learning that he is part of an abusive family that is devoid of love, understanding, respect and acknowledgement. maybe this is the way families are, i have no idea but it's not something i would chose and not something i would ever do to my children or siblings.
i know i am a freak, i know i don't belong here, i know i don't really have any real home here, it's not safe.
reality is multi dimensional, it has many facets and this is just one way to look at what's occurring, another way is there is sickness here, an energetic mish mash of weird genetic traumas and siege mentality, a terrible knot in the flow of energy in this family, it is as though the parts are absolutely broken and damaged there is no self reflection, empathy, sensitivity no caring, no love no feeling just a wave of emotional abuse directed at me. i have to somehow find some strength, some inner resource and attempt to heal it.
i think i will wait till we are in israel and i have places and friends i can retreat to when things get to much, i need to feel safe to do this and israel believe it or not is an incredibly safe space. for the moment i have to look inside myself and find the tools and allies that will heal me and them.