i travelled all over the planet, home is where the heart is as far as i am concerned and my heart is big enough to span a few large land masses, but one place i always feel at home is israel. it has little to do with my history, culture or religious beliefs and more to do with an energetic sense of how israel works.
despite being thousands of years old and having an ancient timeline from antiquity the modern israel is only 60 years old and no matter what your politics or prejudice is absolutely the most intelligent countries on planet earth. perhaps this is why it is feared and vilified by everyone else. i'll write more about this later, or if you feel inclined you can trawl back through this blog to find out why.
the family apartment is beautiful, it's in the english/ french part of netanyu a small but growing town, but at night time it looks like any other place. we meet my uncle jackie whom i have not seen for 10 years, he's a lover, an amazing man and his wife siona is even more amazing. i dump some stuff and the rest of the family and go back to their place in a place called 'ata' an hour away, i do ask jakob if he wants to come but he is tired and needs to sleep.
on arrival siona gives me a hug, i can't tell you how great i feel to be away from the miserable atmosphere of london and the narcissistic madness of mum, here in the glow of normality.
siona is a social worker, she's about to meet the minister of education on a 'special needs' project and asks me to come with her, i explain i have not got a shirt or any thing smart to wear, she says, 'i want your mind, it's not the clothes that will make an impression.'
anyways we get chatting and the conversation comes to mum. i feel as though there's been some engineering here, someone behind the scene pulling my strings, guiding me to this moment, it's very strange but i know siona and she is a professional first and then a very close aunt. she suggests we create a sacred space to talk about these things and lays down guidelines. it come's spilling from my guts, for the very first time in my life i talk about my childhood and the impact living with mum has had on me as a human being. the words just come out like a tidal wave, my uncle jackie is there to he, come's in and listens and when the words stop pouring forth from me, i look at them and they say...
'your mother is the problem, not you. we know this and we know how hard it must be for you.'
they say a lot more but generally what they say is that they know how my mother is and they understand that martin is her son while i am something else. they also confirm that my dad is in conflict, somewhat scared and somewhat torn between loyalties, he is frozen into being silent.
while this probably means little to anyone else to me it is a massive affirmation that i am essentially okay, that i am on track, that i am not an accurate reflection of my mother. this is like having a new lease on life, the psychic damage in the last week has taken it's toll, i feel drained and depleted, i felt caught in something that was drowning me and suffocating and after this talk with my wonderful aunt and uncle i can breath. i sleep soundly through the night 10 hours.